I was kinda in a really bad mood.
I do have moments like that (more than I’d care to admit), but after I calm down, a kind of melancholy then sets in. I really don’t want to be this angry with Him, but it’s hard trying to make some sense out of the events of the last few years, and since I’m the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, every bad thing that happens in life tends to cut me deeply.
There are times though when I suspect that I’m personally the butt of some sick, heavenly joke. I’d pray I meet someone at work for example who could be “the one” for me, and when I do meet that person, she ends up rejecting me and marrying another co-worker. If the answer to a prayer has to be no, fine, but why rub it in my face? Why humiliate me like that?
And that’s what life seems to be like these days: a series of prayers that not only go unanswered or rejected, but also seem to require some form of divine punishment for even daring to make them. Why?
It’s a simple question, but one that I don’t think will ever be answered.
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Have you noticed the train wreck of a planet we live on since Eve, Adam, and that darned piece of fruit? I personally think we should be pleasantly surprised that God has made it as wonderful as it is. A better attitude than “why does this stink for me and not everyone else.” Trust me, there are lots of married people who have found “love” who are absolutely miserable. Maybe God is protecting you from one of those marriages.
Have you noticed, too, that there are lots of “ifs” in God’s word? Stipulations, that nobody seems to talk about. If you abide in me…or James 5:16c ..the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
Now I’m not saying you are not most righteous, I have no idea, but when I feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears, it’s my que to do some soul searching.
Oh, and I’m noticing lately that the prayers I’ve seen answered are answered way, way later than I expect, when I least expect it….not sure what to make of that.
We rented Bruce Almighty the other day, have you seen that one? Your “last post” reminded me of the beginning of that one.
Maybe it’s time to reconsider your belief in god?
In your previous post you said, “…here I am, still stuck in first gear, partly because I was stupid enough to believe God had something better prepared for me, and that I need only be patient enough to wait for it.”
How would your “wasted” two years have been different if you hadn’t had your hopes hung on god having something better prepared for you?
@jjjen: I saw Bruce Almighty, but considering at one point he had used divine powers to have a “pleasurable” experience, I’m not too keen on using it as a prime example for issues on faith.
@Adam: Ironically enough I don’t think it would have been that much different. There’s still that matter of finding myself. :-D
Just because God doesn’t do what I want Him to do, when I want it would hardly seem like a good reason to deny His existence. To me it’s not a question of Him being real so much as it is being able to believe that He cares.
Fair enough.
…of course He cares, but he’s got to put everything into place perfectly in a very complicated situation. Probably knowing the future and every possibility of the future of everything he considers doing it gets even more complicated. I guess what I’m saying is of course He cares, but your timing and terms aren’t perfect, and His are.
Ok, the Bruce Almighty, how I see it is several writers, at least one who “gets it” and the rest who are pure Hollywood. The one who gets it slips what he can into the movie.
I think his attitude at the beginning, blaming God, and God responding with “your ways are not my ways, you have no idea” is a pretty Biblical concept.
@jjjen: About timing and terms, this is true. Regarding Bruce Almighty, there might be a legitimate message about faith, but it gets lost in the Hollywood antics. Personally I suspect It’s A Wonderful Life would trump anything Tinseltown comes up with these days. :
I understand how you feel Lincoln Adams. God loves you but we are in the last few years before Christ Returns. I believe one said God is trying to strengthen your faith by putting you through hell. i guarantee that there are people who have had it a lot worse than you. I hope you read this,myfriend, and realize God still listens and cares.you’d be wise to live life 1 hour at a time. I mean hour and not day!
Thanks for your advice Steven. :)
You have no idea how much I identify with this post right now. Having just found out that I failed the bar exam for the second time, I’ve been feeling crazy abandoned by God lately – especially considering it seems like every friend I have found their true love during law school and is now married and a practicing attorney.
I realize this post is old, but still… it made me feel a little less alone, so thanks for writing it.
-semi-depressed protestant law clerk (SDPLC)
That’s rough dude, I’m sorry to hear about your bar troubles, but I’m glad my post made you feel a bit better.
Please let me make some suggestions on passing the bar your third time around: Law school does absolutely nothing to prepare you for the bar, it’s the $3000+ Bar/Bri course that does. It’s fascinating to me that a $3000 course will do more to help you prepare for the bar than a 3 year, $120,000 education could, but that’s the law industry for ya.
If you have taken Bar/Bri, I suggest complementing it with the LEEWS writing system. You can find more information about it here: http://www.leews.com/
It might be the best and most productive means to learn how to pass the bar exam, so I would consider purchasing a package and learning all you can. It will help you.
Don’t worry about relationships and marriage. Being single really is a true blessing. Trust me.
I took Bar/Bri the first time and came close to passing. Studied on my own the second time and came even closer, but still didn’t pass.
Also, I meant to post my original comment on the post this one links to, but I had both open in two different tabs and wasn’t paying attention, haha.
Anyway, yeah… I know being single isn’t a bad thing. I’m pretty independent, it’s just that right now I feel like the deck is stacked against me and that’s just one of many cards. I know in my heart that God causes everything to work together and He’s got a sovereign plan, but I feel abandoned by Him right now because I don’t understand how failing the bar TWICE could possibly fit into anything good for my life… or what kind of lesson I could possibly be meant to learn from this.
When I was thinking about law school, all the pieces that I needed to fall into place instead went to the crapper faster than you can say Taco Bell. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to be insulted on top of that when I applied for a scholarship designed for people with my disabilities, and by sheer coincidence it went to a girl I just happened to meet on an internet forum and instantly disliked. And of course, she brags about winning the scholarship that everyone on the forum knew I was desperately trying to get. Never mind that her parents were rich and she didn’t even need the flipping money.
Then I was lied to by my superiors at work who promised to rearrange my work schedule so I could attend law school part time instead, and then refused to do so right before the deadline for making a deposit, and the law school would not cooperate in reassigning my schedule either, despite the fact that I’d have to pay 20 grand for the pleasure of attending their crap school.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg of the kind of grief I’ve had to endure over the years, and I wonder what was the point of it all.
Today though, I’m debt free, earn a healthy second income from my blog, and have the freedom to travel anywhere I please with no family to tie me down. Even without any effort on my part, my savings have mostly been converted to gold should the dollar lose its value. And… I have a MacBook! :-D
With a strange sense of irony, the humiliation of the past is what led up to the blessings of today. Had I gone to law school, the consequences would have been disastrous. Now instead, I’m able to go back to school and study anything I’d like under my terms, paying my own way instead of taking out crushing loans. This is the LORD’s doing, and it is marvelous before our eyes.
I can’t promise you that things won’t go better in the short term, but I can tell you truthfully that there is a reason for everything. There’s a reason you failed the bar. How do you know you won’t meet someone who empathizes with your background because he failed the bar too, and he offers you a job? You just don’t know what chain of events it sets off and how it will all culminate in the end until you see it all in retrospect, like I’m beginning to.
Of course that’s not to say you won’t become bitter along the way. Despite all the blessings I enjoy today, I’m still extremely bitter about everything that’s happened in the past ten years, the way I’ve been treated by women when looking for love, or by employers when looking for a new job. I still need to learn how to let go and forgive all those who did me evil, or I’ll never be able to truly enjoy the life I have now. So fair warning to you, don’t let a root of bitterness take hold. Trust God, lean not to your own understanding, and He will direct your steps. You have not been abandoned. :)
I’m trying to not become bitter, but it’s hard. I think that I know in my heart that things suck right now but will end up leading to something epic in the future, I’m just having a hard time seeing what the could possibly be… and that’s why I’m not God (ha!). You’d think I’d have learned to just trust Him already after I failed the first time and was completely hopeless about being unemployed, and then I ended up with this amazing law clerk position (that I still have). When in doubt, I need to just stick with the Proverbs 3:5-6 mentality.
P.S. – I must say that you sound like a really awesome dude. I might just have to register with a real alias & email so I can start reading and commenting here on a regular basis. :)
By all means register! :-D Although my posts may be a bit sporadic until I finish tinkering under the hood, so you may not read anything interesting for a while. Actually I probably haven’t been interesting since I gave up on eHarmony.
Thank you, G-d! Two fewer lawyers to shyster the system and make me wanna go all Shakespeare on ‘em. And maybe, just maybe, two fine young men willing to honor You and their liberty.
True, and because of it I have decided to pursue my true lifelong calling. To become a politician! :-D
Or maybe a reporter for NBC…
Same dif these days.
I had just written almost the same thing about finally having had enough of God and decided to google “what to do when God forsakes you” and this blog came up. It was awesome to see I’m not alone and so annoying that the do gooder’s have to comment that maybe it’s not God’s will, blah blah blah. He has the power to create life, I think he has the power to bring a small ray of hope into a person’s life when they are feeling down. That’s what he is supposed to be here for right. But I have discovered he likes to hide behind the free will thing because he is exactly what the old testament states, a venegeful God. So Lincoln, you go with your feelings, because you are dead on.
Well, I’d love to go with my feelings, but since I wrote this post, it seems He has done more to put a hedge of protection around me than I give Him credit for.
Don’t give up. There’s still much I don’t understand but the chapter for those areas in my life hasn’t been finished yet.
I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Today I sit here KNOWING that God has truly abandoned me. I lost my job, my home, all my possessions nearly four years ago. Today I live in a shelter. I cannot find work. I am broke and a lot of the time, I go hungry from having no food to eat.
I enrolled in college and I had to shoplift all of the books I needed. I’ve had to shoplift for shoes, for toiletries. I’ve had to sneak on the subways. God has yet to provide anything that I need.
I need a home and money to be able to support myself. I need a job. I need friends. I need family. And He has provided nothing of those things. I am ready to give up.
I am once again so depressed that death appears a better option than continuing life like this.
My heart is broken. My soul is crying out for help. And there is no answer. What am I alive for? To live and suffer another day? I’ve had three years of suffering. And enough is enough.
I’m tired of praying. It doesn’t work. And I’m just done.
Please don’t give up. I don’t know why you’ve endured way you have, but I do know it can take a long time before the storm clouds finally start to clear and you get a little glimmer of sunshine. For me it’s ten years and counting, but in those ten years, I’m learning things that I wish I had the wisdom to know back then so I could have spared myself so much misery.
In the meantime, if you need to find a ministry to help you get back on your feet, try The Raven ministry that is run by Times Square Church. You can email the director at mcolwell@timessquarechurch.org and hopefully they can provide advice or help to get you out of such awful poverty. My prayers are with you!
Susanna I am so sorry I am also homeless lost everything its been 2 years going on 3 of hell and homeless the last 9 months I feel God hates me as well and do not understand it I agree enough is enough I still pray and I will pray for you that you get peace and a home
I was in a desperate moment and came across your blog I noticed you wrote awhile ago but I feel better not in your pain but the fact I am not the only one as I write this the tears flow hard down my face the pain hurts I believe in God & Jesus is my Lord and Savior I am far from perfect but the event that have happened to me over the last 2 years and the last year I feel Christ already returned and I am in fact in hell I went through domestic violence stood up for myself after a bad episode sent him to jail and thats when things went from bad to worse he got out and has filed retaliation charges and I am soooooo not getting into it but let me tell you I never thought things would go the way they did I lost my 21 year old son my dog passed away had to give away my horse I had for 12 years lost my family friends and worse my home I am now homeless. My character has been slandered with lies and it has had a bad impact on my future career I am a criminal justice major never even had a traffic ticket and now have false charges even the ones that were dismissed stay I have to get them expunged I have gone days with out food at times have almost lost my life from strangers with ill intent I am blessed a friend has let me sleep on her couch I was living in a horse barn and the cold weather was making me really sick I wish I wouldn’t wake up somedays but I have my dog and do not want to leave him I am worn out broken and sad I pray everyday for forgiveness I pray for others I even give to other homeless people and my ex prospers and I am happy for him but do not understand why people who do evil do well and good people suffer. I do not want much in life just a roof over my head a place to live even if its a small one room and food to eat and have some peace and I do not understand why God hates me it hurts really bad to feel alone looking in at the world from the outside me being a victim should not have cast me out from everyone they blame me some said its my fault I stayed for 2 years and deserve everything I got maybe I do I feel worthless I do not get why God is putting me through this it has been a year walking in hell a close friend also has died what more. So I wonder why does anyone have any answers? I am hanging on by a string and my pup keeps me going if anything happens to him I give up
I don’t want to make light of your circumstances but that was pretty hard to read. May want to invest in using a period every now and then.
That said, I wish I had answers, because I can’t explain the evil in my own life that I’m even today suffering the effects of, much less the suffering others have to go through. I can only say that it’s important to persevere and not give up, no matter how bad things get. I was without a home for 6 years, but in that I eventually found an apartment to live in, paid off my loans and now live debt free. I’m certainly not where I want to be, but it’s much better than where I was before. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to have the patience and perseverance to make it there.
There’s a reason for everything, and we may never fully know what that reason is, but we have to trust God that He will uphold us even during the most violent storms of our life.
In the meantime I will say a prayer for you.
Thank You for your reply. I am very sorry for the poor writing, I know better as an honor student in college. I make a fool out of myself when ever I involve emotions both in written and verbal. I end up holding it in until the gates burst open. I am really a strong person through this all manage to have a 4.0 in college still standing on my own two feet. As a criminal justice major I know a lot about law and to see things go real bad and force me in this situation frustrates me. I am not in financial ruin because of bad habits. Yes I do at times mess up. I am here because when I kicked my husband out because of domestic violence he left me with a huge amount of debt he accrued. He took credit out in my name and I also had to hire a lawyer that wiped me out. I was robbed in March 2011 and that made me fall behind in my bills and rent.
I am happy for you that you now have a home and I will pray for you as well to continue to prosper and have peace. I do not understand any of this and being a very analytical person I am making myself crazy. I have to know why about everything, I guess that’s why I am so good at investigating lol. This is different only God knows why.
Again I am sorry for the emotional writing and poor writing.
Peace be with you and may God bless you
No need to apologize! I hope this will prove to be a year of deliverance for you. :-)
That’s the thing to, trying to analyze and make sense of things, but I can tell you it will drive you crazy. Until the full picture is revealed these trials can just seem random and pointless, but I want to believe it isn’t, that ultimately there’s a reason for it all.
I just read Psalms 79 this morning, read that as well and hopefully it will edify you. God bless!
Happy New Year
Thank you and I am going to go read Psalms 79. I pray you will also have a prosperous new year and that God will equip you with what you need for your journey.
God Bless
u know its ablessing to realize am not in this alone…i sometimes ask God did he create me to make fun of me and let other people trample on me..coz i dont understand how he can allow all this humiliation in my life
That’s one of the silver linings to all this, at least our feelings are not unique. :-)
Robert
You are not alone I feel the same way and I have know understanding of it at all. I try to do right and live right and be a good person I am not perfect nor free from sin no one is I ask for forgiveness for myself and others. Yet those who persecute me, slander me gossip and lie are prosperous. My ex was convicted of domestic violence against me gets out and is full of vengeance and retaliation lies and has all but destroyed me and my life and gets away with it. I pray so hard to God to expose the truth and help me and nothing happens. I do not understand why the people doing bad things are doing well and those trying are suffering. i told God what good am i like this? I am tired of being homeless and yet I have always helped the homeless I would bring them clothes, blankets, make the food, give my last dollar and I do not say this for attention I rarely say anything about it but yet I am homeless. I will pray for you and hope you find peace in your life. I also find strength in Psalms 91 And remember we are not alone and that if any I hope helps. I thank Lincoln for being so open in his blogs you may not realize it but you are touching lives and helping people find a little bit or normalcy in this crazy world.
Well, I don’t know about touching lives, but I do hope my experiences will encourage others in knowing they are not alone in their suffering. :-)
There are no words to say how I feel. I came looking for some answers to when God abandons you and I found this blog. I won’t tell my story because I can pull pieces out of several stories above and create my own story. I will add not only feeling the worst betrayal from God but from people in my life. It has really made me doubt the existence of God. Mine really started with a woman who led me on for months to get what she wanted. I have discovered that she has done this several time with men to get them to join her network marketing business. CAN YOU IMAGINE LEADING SOMEONE ON KEEPING UP A LIE FOR FOUR MONTHS? You may think this sounds silly but actually I think it was the last straw with me. I have felt lost for a very long time. Last November a health challenge where I experienced the worst pain of my life. Lost my church. It goes on and on. And I sit here and cry because the torture has really gone on for about three years now. I just wish for you reading to please pray for me. I do often think death is better and I have asked many times to be taken home. Wherever that is. I just humbly with all that is within my soul, I beg you to say a prayer for me, Mine seem to not be working.
Said a prayer for you. I don’t have a church either but I see that as a blessing in disguise.
Keeping up a lie for months is easy. I’ve seen people do it for years. usually the warning signs are there, you just have to know where to look for them, and then not make the mistake of ignoring those warning signs (like I’ve done in the past.)
I hope and pray things will get better for you soon.
I’ve read so many responses since my response here a couple of months ago. It is bittersweet to know that I am not alone in my misery. Or alone in the fact that I truly believe God has abandoned me, just as all of my family and all of my friends have.
It’s amazing how when times are rough the people that you expect to be there for you just aren’t. I decided to STOP praying this past Sunday, after attending church. I’m tired of praying because it doesn’t change anything. Nothing seems to. I am still broke. I am still homeless. I still spend much of the day sad. If it weren’t for school right now I would have nothing to look forward to.
The worst part is that I don’t have the money to commute to school everyday. So basically what I have been doing is waiting by the subway for people to come out. And ask for someone to “swipe me in.” Most people have been kind enough to do that.
The other day I sneaked on the bus to go somewhere and I got caught and received a $100 ticket, that of course, I have no money to pay.
I’ve been wondering a lot about what it is that I could have done to tick God off so badly that he has made my life a living hell for nearly four years now.
I’ve thought about taking my own life often over these past few days. I actually prayed to die — lucky for me, God doesn’t hear or answer my prayers, so I am still here, typing this reply to you now.
I have so much empathy for everyone reading this. I know that you are suffering as well.
I see no end to my suffering while I am alive. I can only hope that it comes with my last breath — which is likely when it will come.
And so goes the absolute cruelty of God.
At the same time I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that we should have a life void of ANY kind of suffering or pain. That’s what heaven is about after all. :-)
What bothers me is not so much the suffering but the injustice of it. Much of my own hardship was created by evil people who did evil things and then got away scott-free. No justice at all. Where was God?
I still hold on though, because as much as He might tarry in repaying those who did me great evil according to their works, I do hope to see the day when He no longer tarries in that, and those that were downtrodden will be uplifted instead.
I have no answers though, I only know like you have that our feelings are not unique, and I hope that can provide some measure of comfort for those who are clearly worse off or enduring more hardship than I am.
I wonder about that too.
Where was God when I lost my apartment and all of my belongings? Where was God when the only family member who would reach out and help me at that time let me down and didn’t want to help me move my things into storage?
Where was God when I had to sleep on park benches in the pouring rain and in the summer heat?
Where was God when I had to sleep in all-night laundromats? Where was God when I had to stay awake all night to sit in a Starbucks or at the Fed-Ex office store, where they would throw you out if you slept?
Where was God when I had to shoplift to eat? Where was God when I had to live in a disgusting shelter with women so lowdown that it made me sick to my stomach to return there night after night?
Where was God when I found myself alone with no one to talk to?
Where was God when my own mother, realizing that now I couldn’t help her financially anymore turned her back on me, and convinced the rest of my family to as well?
Where was God when my own brother ignored the fact that I spent four days in ICU near death and didn’t bother to visit or even call me?
Where is He now that I have no money, cannot find a job (two have fallen through in a month by the way)?
Where is God now? And why doesn’t He care what happens to me? And that I just can’t take anymore of this.
Where is God?
While we’re waiting for God to show up, in the meantime you could look into the local homeless agencies near you and ask them if you can help with case management. I asked a friend who works with the homeless and he says it may be a way for you to obtain funds for commuting, in return for alleviating their case burdens. Couldn’t hurt to ask around and see what agencies say. Good luck. :-)
Thanks but been there, done that. In NYC, where I am, they don’t help you with expenses for school or even to get to a doctor’s appointment.
If you go on welfare, you get a BIG $42.50 per month, and in return you are treated like dirt, humiliated and threatened constantly with losing that money.
I was on it for about three months and got rid of it. Because the humiliation and stress simply isn’t worth $42.50 per month.
I recently lost my Food Stamps as well. Those were $200 a month, which in this city, with no place to cook, went in about ten days. You cannot buy hot food with them either.
I lost them when I received a letter in the mail, saying that I would have to meet with someone regarding the requirement that I would now need to work for the City for 30 hours a week to “earn” my $200 in Food Stamps.
I could not make the appointment because I had class that morning. I called them. They took my number and said that someone would call me to reschedule.
They never called.
Instead they just closed my case. So now, I sit here in my school library drinking water to suppress my growling stomach.
I cannot and will not shoplift anymore for food. The stress of that is just too much for me. I was caught once and told that I could never shop in that store again. That alone was embarrassing and humiliating enough for me.
So I go hungry as well as homeless now.
This is just one of the many reasons why I know that God hates me.
Susanna,
Don’t despair, I think you still have options, since you’re in NYC I know Times Square Church has ministries to provide for your needs, including food.
http://www.tscnyc.org/ministry_raven.php
http://www.tscnyc.org/tsc_new_york_city.php
They’ve always been good providing shelters for abused women and people struggling with drug addiction, so they have a good pedigree, and might be able to help you.
Thanks. But I’m not an abused women and I’m not a drug addict.
The funny thing is that if I were either of those things, I think that more people, including my own family and friends, would’ve helped me so that I didn’t end up in the misery I am now.
Oh they don’t just help people like that, I just mentioned those particular ministries since I have personal knowledge of them, so I know they’ve made an impact and are legitimate.
They’ll minister to any homeless as well, just not sure what the name of the ministry is, although I do know their food mobile used for feeding the homeless is called the Raven Ministry.
Who Said Life Is Fair? http://www.carolroth.com/blog/who-said-life-is-fair/
Really… who said it? And why did you trust them?
LOL, that reminds me of the book “Who Moved My Cheese?” a work I always felt was corporate propaganda to convince worker bees to accept change they didn’t like. ;-)