There used to be a time in my life when Christmas actually FELT like Christmas. I used to get into it so much that I would get out my Christmas tree and start decorating before even Halloween itself came around, much less the holiday season.
The magic in the air was just intoxicating, and I could always smell the fresh, sweet aroma of evergreen everywhere I went. Lights would twinkle, while carolers jingled, and sometimes if we had a cooler than normal season, we’d even get snow to complete the ensemble. And of course there was my favorite tradition of all time: the mistletoe.
Yep, it was that time of year that made me prance me around like Pee Wee Herman in blissful joy joy happiness.
But then something happened. Year after year we would go through the same ritual as before, but the magic was somehow gone. I just couldn’t experience the joys of celebrating the season like I used to. Somewhere along the line, I had grown up.
I went from the little kid who would breathlessly wait for Christmas morning to come before flying to the living room at breakneck speed to open his presents, to someone who was now spending every Christmas season, alone.
Oh, so very alone.
It didn’t seem fair that my favorite season had to be ruined each passing year just because I didn’t have anyone special in my life. That shouldn’t have to matter, right? But it does, somehow. It always matters, especially around this time of year. I always thought about what I was missing, not about what I already had, and yet no matter how hard I tried, the despair of loneliness just couldn’t be fended off, and it would drop over my spirit like a wet, smothering blanket.
Christmas was now a time that made me yearn for a life where I could share these precious moments with her, whoever she was. I wanted to see her laugh every time a Chipmunks song came on. I wanted to see her eyes twinkle as she hung ornaments on our tree. I wanted to see her hold me close as we danced and kissed under the mistletoe. These were moments I could see only in fragmented dreams, in visions that would tease me with promises of happiness and love, only to fade away to the dark realities of my failed existence.
But still I hoped. Still I push on, ever forward, ever hoping that dreams do indeed come true, and that one day, some day, I will see the Christmas stars of a wish come true reflected in her beautiful eyes.
Some day…
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I hope your someday is soon, but what a beautiful reflection on why Christmas is hard for some. Thanks.
So go meet some people.
@Mel: Thanks, I do have my moments. :)
@Casey: What if they don’t want to meet me?
Man I know where you are at right now! And my heart goes out to you. I had gone past where you stand to the rage of why?! I had started to get bitter. I went to “I don’t want love” to heck with it all! But one night I sneaked into love@aol. I lived in PHX AZ at the time and there were nothing but ego filled (I want to call them nasty names but I read your NOTE:)so I’ll call them men. As I was exiting my finger slipped and I ended up in “Elsewhere AZ”. This face stareing at me was looking for a friend to go riding his harley, not looking for romance, his wife had died a few monthes before. So I wrote him and asked;”Where the hell is elsewhere AZ?” That was in 2001, we’ve been married 6 years today. And it is all those things you are looking for! We started out friends, then the rest just came naturally. I guess what I’m trying to advise is….look in the elsewhere, and she is out there waiting.
Wow…this totally made me tear up. This will be my second Christmas divorced and not only will I be alone this Christmas he will be spending his Christmas with the woman he “loves” and it hurts. One day…
@lakotalady: Wow, what a great story, thanks for sharing! :) I remember Love @ AOL and at the time I thought it was pretty good. Boy did it go downhill fast though when it got bought up by Match.com.
Thanks for giving me hope though.
@Lady Jaye: Cheer up honey, I find blood soaked violence and revenge is a great way to dispel the loneliness of Christmas. :-D
I keed, I keed… I think.
The problem, friend Lincoln, is the focus of your Christmas depression in inward. You may never have known it; but the true joy of Christmas is in serving others.
May the LORD grant you the wisdom, courage, and strength you need to accomplish His work. And may you find the desires of your heart fulfilled in serving others.
@JTB: I can’t disagree. I hope 2009 will be the beginning of an era where I can truly begin helping others in meaningful ways. :)
Have you ever gotten close to getting married?
I’m still working on my first date, LOL. Little 10 year old children have had more experience with love than me.
Lincoln, my heart goes out to you. I hope you know that you don’t need a relationship to feel complete.
I can empathize with you longing for a companion, someone who cares about you, when you’re feeling down and to share the small things in life with. The holidays are always depressing for me, so I can definitely see where you’re coming from. Personally, I would prefer to skip them altogether.
Know that you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers, especially during the holiday season. Even in our little chats we have, you always manage to make my day:) You are going to make some woman so happy.
Thank you Elaine, this comment indeed made my day. :)
For too long I’ve been putting my life on hold, waiting for that girl to come along before I would finally go out and live the life I’ve wanted to live. Now I’ve changed my perspective on things, and instead of dreading the holidays I see it instead as an opportunity. That’s why I plan to spend a few days at a New England town somewhere that truly knows how to get into the spirit of Christmas.
this one really struck a cord. Christmas can be a hard time. I should know, this one will make 4 out of six with a ocean between me and the land I love.
Sorry if that was depressing, just felt like something I needed to say. Never give up.