Why I Think God is a Big Meanie – Sometimes

Lincoln Adams | May 13, 2008 @ 9:30 pm

One of the reasons it’s been so difficult for me to find dates is because I don’t have a very active social life (which is to say, I have no social life whatsoever to speak of.) I used to have a close knit group of friends that carried me through high school and beyond college for a while, but eventually we began to drift apart for various reasons, until one day I found myself living the life of a loner again.

I was never one for attending social gatherings though so I could maybe gain some new friends, mainly because there were, well, people there. And I hated people.

Ok, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hated them, maybe that I just didn’t get along…no I hated them.

Unfortunately, if I was ever gonna meet girls then I was gonna have to go where people were, sooner or later. With a mindset like this, it’s a small wonder why I was always holding out hope that I would meet someone at my job instead. After all, I’m forced to be here, and there were people here too, soooo….

For the longest time I used to entertain fantasies of meeting the girl of my dreams at work, so much that it started taking on a life of its own. I even nailed down what she would look like too: deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. She would be as sweet as an angel, maybe assigned somewhere close to me so we’d run into each other on a regular basis. Things would be strictly platonic at first, but before I knew it she would eventually warm up to me… and love would blossom out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at allllll….. Out of nothing at… *ahem* but anyways, that’s how I imagined it. From that we would eventually become engaged, get married, and live happily ever after. Oh how I prayed and begged God that this would all happen for real. My fantasies here were so vivid that I could have weaved a cheap romance novel out of it. Probably could have made some cash from selling it too. :ggrin:

I had been churning over this latest fantasy of mine for a few months, when something weird happened: we got a new coworker assigned near us who had… deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. I swear you couldn’t make this stuff up. Our department doesn’t attract a lot of young workers to begin with, so just getting another coworker around my age would have been odd unto itself. She was a year older than me, but single and beautiful, and had a mellow, pleasant personality about her. In her previous job she worked with kids who suffered from various disabilities too. It was perfect! My dream was actually coming to life!

Except she hated me.

Well, she didn’t really hate me. She just had no interest in me whatsoever. I tried everything I could think of to woo her too, all in the futile hope that eventually, sooner or later, she would warm up to me in very much the same way her alter ego did in my fantasies. I kept her company when things got quiet during our late shifts. I helped her out whenever she needed to learn something about the job. I helped her find her keys when she had lost them and was freaking out over it, and at her request I burned dozens of her CDs into MP3s so she could use an MP3 player she bought for the gym (even though she didn’t have a computer). I changed my hairstyles, clothing, and yes, I’m ashamed to admit it, during my low points I even tried using TAG body spray (I’m suing those bastards for false advertising by the way.)

Yet despite all my efforts, when it came to asking her out to lunch, or even just coffee, she had no interest at all. The more she blew me off, the more I pined for her love. After a couple of months of this I eventually gave up. I decided I would continue being a nice guy as always, but I resigned myself to the fact that she would never be interested in me. I was just a pathetic loser who could never be good enough for her. My fantasy was not to be.

And that might have been the end of it, except that shortly afterwards she fell madly in love with another coworker, and within a few months they were engaged to be married. :blink:

My fantasies were coming to life after all… but for somebody else. Honestly, mere words could not convey the state of my emotions as I watched some little bastard boy enjoy what I previously could only experience in my dreams. Every day I had to come in to work and see those two nuzzling noses or holding hands at a picnic table (just as I envisioned it), and it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs and stepping on the gas at a nearby red light hoping an 18 wheeler would plow into me.

The best though was when the wedding itself was soon coming up, and she asked me if I had any suggestions for wedding songs she could use. I ended up making a CD of what I considered to be my most favorite love songs, songs I probably would have picked for my own wedding too. From what I heard my CD turned out to be a big hit, though I wouldn’t know, since I wasn’t invited.

I’m not one for bitterness though, so here’s a toast to their new life together. May their imminent divorce be appallingly messy and violently ugly.

No seriously, I do hope they’ll be happy together, I guess. I don’t begrudge anyone getting married, but for the love of kindness, did it really have to F*&%ING play out EXACTLY like I imagined it???

When I saw that, I guess I went through something of a system shock. My feelings went numb and I succumbed to a state of deep depression. In a way, I had given up on life. I no longer took care of myself, no longer went out as much as I used to. My clothes would get worn and start showing holes, but I didn’t care. I started suffering from health problems, but still I didn’t care. It wasn’t uncommon for me to sleep for 12-15 hours a night, and even then I just had no energy to get out of bed at all. I used to be punctual and on time for work, but I became so lethargic that if I ended up being only 10 minutes late, it was a miracle. It was becoming a regular tradition for me to hit the supermarket the night before my days off from work, stock up on groceries and DVDs from Redbox, then head home and hole up in my bedroom with my tub of popcorn, TV and laptop, where I would stay unmoved in my jammies until it was time to go back to work again.

I became utterly convinced that God hated me. After all, He wasn’t going to simply ignore my prayers here. Nope, He was going to twist and twist and twist the knife in so deep that it would all but ensure my psyche would never recover from this. It was almost like He recorded my fantasies and decided to orchestrate it in real life so that someone else would become the beneficiary of it, right before my very eyes. I mean really, what were the odds of something like that happening, down to even using the same collection of songs I dreamed would be used at my own wedding? (Which I say at the risk of sounding like a weenie girlie boy.) About a billion to one??

Why? Why did I have to endure that? Why did God have to hurt me like this? I know I can be a wiseass and all who deserves to get smacked around every now and then, but this was bafflingly cruel. It’s part of why I’m so slow to get out of bed every day, because I absolutely dread what new punishment He might have in store for me. My pathetic life must be a source of constant amusement for Him.

But… and before you Christian dweebs start berating me here, let me be quick to note that I don’t really believe this now. I know there’s a purpose to everything, and I’ve seen enough to know that for whatever reason God is keeping me safe from a lot of the evil that’s in this world. I guess that goes to show what a foregone conclusion I must be, that in spite of the complete embarrassment I experienced, I still believe God cares for me and has only my best interests in mind. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome?

Still, this one really got to me in a bad way, and even now I’m still nursing the wounds. Just when I think I’ve put it behind me, every now and then somebody will stick a finger in the wound, like when I run into her and she talks about her “husband” (just hearing her say that makes me cringe.) Ironically enough, the most recent jab came from my mother, of all places. My Mom never knew I had a thing for this girl, even though she met her a few times at work. One time we had a conversation afterwards and Mom said, “She is SUCH a sweetheart, Linc! How come you can’t meet somebody nice like her? She would have been PERFECT for you!!”

Poor Mom. She had no idea why I ran out after hearing that and started ripping and chewing on the grass on the front lawn.

Ah well. I guess the only thing that will make the pain go away for good is when I finally do meet someone for real. It’s hard to imagine even after all that how I could still retain hope that somehow, somewhere, she’s out there waiting for me, but I do. I guess I’ll always be a romantic at heart, no matter how loopy I get. :silly:

I still fantasize about meeting her though. But trust me, I have learned my lesson. Now I imagine meeting her in scenarios that are so outlandish that they cannot POSSIBLY happen to me in real life, much less to anyone else. Currently I fantasize about meeting her as part of an undercover operation I’m doing for the CIA. Oh, and I have superpowers. And the girl of my dreams is an alien from another planet who gets captured by the U.S. government. We fall in love and I spring her loose, then steal the USS Enterprise starship and together we make our way to the Alpha Centauri system, where we spend many steamy, romantic evenings on the paradise planet of Gimmegoomajamjam.

Let’s see y’all weenie tots try to turn THAT one into reality. :nyah:

Tags: christian, coworker, cruel, depression, despair, dream girl, dreams, fantasy, God, hate, hope, job, loneliness, loner, numb, romance, romantic, social life, unrequited love, wedding

Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships

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26 Responses to “Why I Think God is a Big Meanie – Sometimes”

Chad W Smith wrote a comment on May 13, 2008 @ 11:06:pm

You know what’s weird? I recently discovered that I am bulletproof, and can fly. I found that out while working a case that got a little hairy, (I’d tell you more, but I’d have to kill you). And I met the most wonderful brown eyed girl the other day – the thing is, she’s … well, let’s just say she’s not from around here – (the third mammary gland is the only real giveaway). I really hate what the Agency is doing to her. It’s not right. I’ve been spending a lot of time “guarding” her lately, and I think I’ve got the escape route just about figured out. I know where they keep her craft – and, while it’s not call the Enterprise – it does look very similar. Even uses technology that Warps space allowing it to break the speed of light – according to Neerviana – she’s an engineer on her planet, so she knows about these things. And she has been telling me about this great planet where we could start a new life together… I forge the name, but it started with a G… It’s in the Alpha Centari System, though….

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 13, 2008 @ 11:21:pm

……………………………….. excuse me for a minute.

*runs outside and chews on some more grass*

Casey wrote a comment on May 14, 2008 @ 09:38:am

… :huh:
I’m worried about ya Linc…
…ever thought of going somewhere besides work to meet a nice Christian girl…where you could find lots of Christian girls in one place? Hmmm…maybe altogether on a Sunday? I’m thinking . . .

Mrs. Mecomber wrote a comment on May 14, 2008 @ 10:16:am

I’m not a dweeb. :nerd:

kalen wrote a comment on May 14, 2008 @ 12:04:pm

i need a picture of you asap.

must figure out if you are typical “nice guy” before i can aid in woman finding.

must also figure out if you are in shape.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 14, 2008 @ 08:29:pm

@MrsM: No you say? :think:

@Casey: Too Jimmy Jonesey for me. Them church girls live in cocoons and are pretty naive. I need a coy little vixen to light my fire, ya know? :naughty:

@Kalen: Thanks honeybunchie, but unless you know someone in NY it’s probably pointless. I’ve tried long distance relationships before with disastrous results.
:hang:

Chelle wrote a comment on May 15, 2008 @ 11:03:am

In all seriousness, write the novel of their love story, get it published and become rich.

Although it sounds like a movie I watched a few months ago, can’t remember the name…

dr_clairebear wrote a comment on May 15, 2008 @ 01:46:pm

that sucks big time and i sympathize with you completely. i have the same dilemmas as you do, it’s eerie. :crying:

i’ll even do you one better – at least you weren’t the one who actively brought the two of them together. i have actually done that for two guys i was seriously crushing on. guy “a” was totally bonkers over my good friend and i volunteered to run interference for him. guy “b” was having relationship problems and i actually helped orchestrate getting him back to good. :beatup: i am a masochist!

i’ve been griping at God about exactly the same thing, but God and I are getting back to good now that i’ve gotten some perspective on my life. and one thing i realized is that God-time is never going to be the same as Me-time. Maybe God and I may actually want the same things for me, but it’s not going to fall within the time frame i dictate. therefore, i give up and let Him take over. :giveup:

so just hang in there! you never know when the next dreamgirl is gonna walk into your life. oh yeah – and STOP BEING SO PICKY! :guns:

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 15, 2008 @ 08:24:pm

@Chelle: Yeah, somebody would probably scream copyright infringement if I did. :eyeroll:

@clairebear: You should probably stop matching your would-be suitors up with other people.

Ah well, que sera sera… whatever will be…

Anne wrote a comment on May 15, 2008 @ 08:57:pm

Very touching story, and I think you handled a difficult situation like a real gentleman. (That will get you point with the ladies.)

It reminded me of Cyrano, only you didn’t get the girl.

You’ll get the next one. Or rather, she’ll get you.

You’d be surprised what you’d find in church. I dare you. And the numbers are in your favor.

You might want to let go of the specific eye and hair color requirement.

God is keeping you safe for some reason. No doubt she’s out there wondering when you’re going to show up!

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 15, 2008 @ 10:54:pm

@Anne: Aww thanks, I appreciate that. But didn’t Cyrano actually die before he got the girl? :blink:

I should have known though I was headed for trouble. Supposedly the girl of my dreams is a blondie, not a brunette.

Isaiah wrote a comment on May 20, 2008 @ 03:06:am

I’d go with Casey. There’s nothing wrong with church-going girls, and I think you need someone like that to rein you in.

As for the issue, I get the feeling that you might come across as being too desperate… girls get turned off by that. There’s a balance to be struck between some care for her and being a little aloof and unattainable. Women seem to always want to capture the unobtainable, heh!

Anyway, at least now you have more experience under your belt in tackling the next brown-eyed girl that comes around.

castocreations wrote a comment on May 21, 2008 @ 01:06:pm

Oh man you weren’t kidding about needing a girlfriend. lol I just popped over from Rachel’s rant. I was going to drop some sarcastic bible thumping hate post but now don’t have the heart. *grin*

You need a dog. Or a cat. The best way to attract a woman (a good woman at least) is to get a dog. Dogs are super hard to resist. Plus you automatically seem more independent and less desperate.

I personally think that brown haired girl was a Beeyotch. She totally took advantage of you … and she knew it. She probably knew at some level that you liked her so she used you to do things for her. I hate girls like that.

I agree though with Isaiah…girls hate desperation. Well, sane girls. The more you are confident and not catering to a girl’s every single undying request, the more attractive you will be. As a girl I can say this is true. =)

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 21, 2008 @ 02:08:pm

@Casto: LOL, thanks for holding back. Unfortunately I can’t keep a pet where I live, but I’ve always wanted a dog so I think sooner or later there will be one in my future. :ggrin:

I guess in the meantime I’ll just have to do a better job of hiding my desperation.

Are you seeing anybody by the way? ……. dammit I did it again! :hang:

castocreations wrote a comment on May 21, 2008 @ 02:19:pm

*giggle* Sorry to break your heart. I’m taken (married). Though I do have brown hair and brown eyes. LOL

I believe there is someone out there for everyone. But we can’t rush it or force it. Love can be found in the strangest places. You could start volunteering at a local shelter. =)

I actually met my hubby at the apartment complex where we both lived at the time. I was working in the office and he came in to pick up a package. Then I didn’t see him for two months before one of my coworkers gave him my number. The rest, as they say, is history.

Who knows, you could meet someone online like Sarah K and Frank J. Stranger things have happened!

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 21, 2008 @ 03:16:pm

Oh darnit. :tongue:

You know it’s funny, I was thinking that a good place to meet someone would be with a charitable group anyway.

Stranger things have happened, but with me it’s never of the good kind. :run:

Natural Woman wrote a comment on May 22, 2008 @ 12:21:pm

want a woman? go to the bookstore. i think men who read and carry books are the most interesting. get out there..tomorrow is friday…go to Barnes and Noble and follow someone (hopefully a woman) around and strike up a conversation. if that don’t work, hit her with the biggest book you can find and drag her home. JK

i should be working, but i’m enjoying your blog!

kender wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 05:43:pm

Dude…be a realist..give up..that’s what I did…they just yank out your heart and dance on it anyway…become a curmudgeonly and hard drinking hermit writer like me. Be anti social. It just works out better….

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 06:02:pm

@kender: Aren’t you engaged? :blink:

kender wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 06:08:pm

well…I was/kinda sorta guess I am…..what’s yer point?

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 06:14:pm

Uh huh. :think:

kender wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 06:24:pm

wait…I just checked my status on facebook…it says I am single. As does my status on myspace.

And I know the blurb on the back of my book says “Kender MacGowan – a reluctant romantic, sarcastic cynic and victim of love – writes poetry as a cheap alternative to therapy, hoping that somewhere karma will pile up in his favor. He lives in Southern California where he spends his time living the lifestyle of other curmudgeonly and famous writers in hopes of emulating them – mainly by drinking, writing and being anti-social.”

So I can now safely say I stand by my advice.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on January 3, 2009 @ 06:35:pm

I won’t drink, but I may anty up on Dr. Pepper instead, so, close enough. :ggrin:

small_town_inhabitant wrote a comment on February 14, 2010 @ 11:39:am

This is absolutely fabulous! I came across this site to spread anti love matter all over Facebook today. Only to find a weird male version of myself. I’m not sure if its a part of me that I don’t know of that secretly pines for what I can never have. But a book I’ve been reading (its mostly for teens and college kids, I’m 18) from a Christian point of view on dating, friendship, sex and homosexuality really opened my eyes. Recently, I had been feeling very bitter about every one of my conquests made in the name of love. I simply cannot catch a break! I know, I’m young I shouldn’t care too much about dating. But this is America. lol. So, I was really getting frustrated, “God must hate me. How come every guy I like dislikes me?! I see people who are less deserving (like really easy girls and total jerks for guys) find ‘love’, so what the heck is the problem?!” I became depressed. I was emotionally dying from lonliness. I thought “You must think this is funny, huh. Get me to a low point so I’ll need you more. I’m human, I NEED YOU ANYWAY!” (the lowest point came when I found a really great, attractive church guy where we had the same views but he was completely uninterested.) ANYHOW (I see that I’m ranting), the book explains that girls can be stupid sometimes and that you can’t substitute emptiness inside with a person. That hole will never be filled, only with Jesus. The other stuff will come along when its time. (When I read this I was still cynical.) I’m trying that approach with cynicism, pessimism and bitterness all at the same time yet with optimism as well (unfortunately). Sometimes I think the worst thing Pandora let out of that box wasn’t the sins and sorrows of the world but HOPE. Because inspite of all the disappointments, hope keeps you holding on. sorry its so much by the way.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 14, 2010 @ 12:30:pm

Small Town: Thanks for your comments! Being in my thirties I have the benefit of hindsight, so even while things are sucky now, you have your whole life to look forward to. Don’t let the absence of a boyfriend deprive you from enjoying what life has to offer.