One of the things that really kill any incentive to pull myself together and get my life back on track is that there seems to be nothing worth fighting for.  I have no desire to fight for myself, because I’m kinda of a weenie and don’t like myself very much, so there’s no motivation there.  I can’t fight for my parents either, because they’d actually be better off if I were dead.  That way they could get my pension, my car and the rest of my possessions, which is enough to afford them a nice house somewhere without having to take out a mortgage.  Really, I’m holding them back just by being alive. 

If anything, I should be fighting for God, but I can never be convinced that He loves or cares about me, even when there are occasionally signs to the contrary.  It always seems like the people who have hurt me the most in my life end up getting ridiculously rewarded for their malice, and I’ve never understood why.  It’s like I’m a lucky charm for my worst enemies.    That’s why there are times I suspect that He cares more about my enemies than He does about me.  It’s really a battle to try to change that perception too, especially when on top of that everything else I do in life amounts to a complete failure.  Whatever I say or do has little to no impact on anything.  I can’t change lives for the better, help people get saved, or contribute anything of value to society or the church.  I am hated by all and loved by none, and it’s like I don’t even bother anymore because I know I’ll just fail as usual, so what’s the point?  (And before you start berating me for having this loser attitude, just remember it took years of perpetual failures and disappointments to develop this self-defeating mentality, so nyah.)

Then there’s the girl of my dreams factor.  One of the worst sins I could think of having committed is that I prolonged meeting her only because I’ve been such a weenie all these years.  But is she really out there at the end of the rainbow, waiting for me to get my act together and go get her?  Or am I just deluding myself into thinking she is, when the cold, hard truth of the matter is that she doesn’t exist after all, and I will live and die alone?

There were times though when I thought I had met her, and it was within those times that I found all the motivation I needed to get my life in order.  I stopped hiding in my own skin and started taking care of myself.  My clothes were new and fashionable.  My place was always clean.  I became more outgoing and personable.  My performance at work improved dramatically  I just did everything better.

And then it would all come crashing down when it became obvious that she wasn’t in fact the one, sometimes in the most cruelest way imaginable.  Afterwards it was all I could do to even get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I’d sleep for 12-15 hours straight, and even then I still couldn’t get up.  When I did get up though I had a devil may care attitude about life, purposely hurting myself and not giving a damn.  And then I would go back to sleep again for another 15 hours.

Things may calm down after a while, but I never do break out of this vicious cycle completely.  Yet… what if I could be convinced that there really was somebody out there for me after all?  Not just merely hope there was someone, but know it for a fact?  If that were the case, there’s no way I’d behave like this, because now my attitude is adversely affecting someone else’s life.  It would be wrong of me then not to pull my life together so I could be there for her.  I’d feel the same way if I had children too, because there is just no way I could excuse myself with living the way I do if it’s going to hurt my kids.  They deserve the best of me, 8 days of week, and they (as well as the girl of my dreams) would definitely be worth fighting for.

As the years go by though and I get older, these dreams and hopes begin to fade away, and with it my desire to live.

I guess I’m looking for something tangible now that will give me enough resolve to fight again, and I don’t mean mere wishy washy, hopey o’ change signs, but something truly rock solid.  If the girl of my dreams is out there, I will fight for her.  If a better future awaits me, I will fight for it.  But I have to believe it.  I have to know it to be true.

Show me the way, and I will walk in it.  Help me find what’s worth fighting for.

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• Depression: The Enemy Within (12)
• Why I Think God is a Big Meanie – Sometimes (26)
• When It’s Hard To Give Thanks (2)
• What if the dream were a reality? (9)
• Why The Christmas Spirit Left Me Like a Cheap Ho (15)

Tags: attitude, better future, church, depression, despair, disappointment, disappointments, dream, dreams, enemies, failure, fight, fighting, girl of my dreams, God, incentive, loser, motivation, parents, purpose
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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