Tweaking My Dating Profile

I’d since tossed in the towel when it comes to online dating, but a thought occurred to me: If I’m giving up, I might as well go out with a bang, right? :naughty:

And since writing a serious profile that highlighted all my positive traits wasn’t doing dinky squats, I think it’s time I started having a little fun and doing what I do best: pissing the ever living crap out of people.

Here’s a copy of my newly rewritten profile for your perusal, which I titled, “NO FAT CHICKS!!” Bask in the glory that is my manly brilliance:

I am, quite simply, the man of every woman’s dreams. I’m also Italian, which means I can cook, I can sing, and I can love in ways you could never imagine, even in your wildest fantasies.

But if you want me, you must be worthy of me. Here are a few things you will need to fulfill before you should even consider contacting me:

You must be at a normal, healthy weight. Fat, obese chicks need not apply. Please, don’t kid yourself. If you don’t like it, stop eating and join a gym.

You must have a positive IQ and have a college education. Stupid women are unattractive. In addition, if you think MySpace is the greatest thing in the world then you have no redeeming quality whatsoever. Please go join a convent and spare us men of your vacuous, mind numbing idiocy.

You must hate liberals. If Obama is your god not only will I not contact you, I will superimpose your face on naked photos of Richard Simmons and post them to Facebook and MySpace for all the world to see, which will include the captions “For a good time call…” along with your cell phone number and email address.

You must have no tattoos or body piercings in places other than your ears. They are not cool. Such self mutilation is a sign of a mental disorder. Get help you sick, sick girl (and stay away from magnetic material.)

You must not dress like a 2 dollar hooker working 42nd Street in Manhattan. It does not make you look sexy. It makes you look like a hooker.

You must not drink (or drink only on rare occasions). If bar hopping is one of your favorite pastimes, then please don’t let me stop you from continuing to enjoy it… alone.

You must not have children. If you messed up in a previous relationship and got kids out of that deal, that’s not my problem. Go collect welfare if you want a sugar daddy, you promiscuous monkey ho.

You will treat me as the rare diamond that I am, because let’s face it, you’ll never find anyone better than me. You will treat me with the respect due a man of my high stature and valor. You will love me like a king, and in return I will love you like a queen (maybe.)

If you can manage to fulfill all of the criteria above (and you’re hot looking too), then let’s talk! If not, then I would suggest signing up for TrailerParkTrash-Match.com and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to find your soulmate there.

Think I’ll get any responses?

Tags: dating profile, funny, online dating, satire
Categories: Comic Relief, Romance and Relationships

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(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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14 Responses to “Tweaking My Dating Profile”

ConsrvYank1 wrote a comment on July 22, 2008 @ 08:36:am
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:rofl: I love it. And you know what, I wouldn’t be surprised if you DID get some responses.

Mou wrote a comment on July 22, 2008 @ 09:48:am
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Bugger! I score a 7 out of 8. And thats I don’t know you well enough to worship you yet!!

Wanna get it on Linc? :kiss:

Isaiah wrote a comment on July 22, 2008 @ 12:34:pm
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You know what? You just might! They say there’s truth in the belief that women like bad boys, and some might just respond so that they can “change” you for the better. :-P

ConsrvYank1 wrote a comment on July 22, 2008 @ 12:54:pm
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You know what? You just might! They say there’s truth in the belief that women like bad boys, and some might just respond so that they can “change” you for the better.

That’s exactly right. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if Linc were to find his “honey snuggle” with that ad. :groucho:

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on July 22, 2008 @ 10:16:pm
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@Mou: I hate to be harsh but you don’t exactly qualify under the “hotness” requirement. :nono:

And yeah I rather suspect that I will be getting more responses this way. :naughty: LOL

qu33nie wrote a comment on July 23, 2008 @ 01:10:pm
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You know, I think you are a total JACKASS. No wonder you are still single; I think you will be forever and ever. If I saw you or any other christian in the street that resembled you? I’d burn your crazy ****** up ass at the stake. yuk. You really suck. How does a christian get so judgmental? and that is exactly why this world is so ****** up. Lets bomb for peace via dumb C student Bush….sounds like Christians ******* FOR VIRGINITY. makes about as much damn sense. One day…the world might be rid of the mentality that it takes to even think like this! Then where will be your GOD? HAHAH. Same place he always was: ignoring your blind followers. sheep are dumb. rude sarcastic judgmental: hardly the endearing and loving qualities you’d expect from someone who is supposed to be CHRISTIAN!!!!!! OMFG. This post makes me want to come to NY and kick your Italian desk cop ass.