I am completely and utterly in love with whoever that hot, hot, hot, HOT girl is on the left sidebar (here’s a pic since the banner is no longer there):

Oh man, the eyes, it’s like they’re staring directly into my soul…

Can ANYONE tell me who she is? Please?? I need to know. I really really really really really really REALLY need to know. Please, if you love me, you’ll help me. I’ll give you money, ad space, my car (ok… maybe not my car), but whatever else you want.

Wednesday night I pulled up to the Starbucks drive-thru again, hoping against hope that Angelic Voice would be there…

“Hiiiiiiiiiii, welcome to Starbucks!” What can I get for you?”

Oh yeaaaaahhh….

While I ordered hot chocolate my MP3 stereo was blasting Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” a great background song I thought for what I was about to attempt.

“Don’t stop believin’,
Hold on to the feelin’”!

I pulled up and finally saw her, her hair tied up and revealing a cute, soft face as she put my drink together. I grinned and leaned over to crank up Journey.

Except I accidentally hit the wrong button and the track skipped to CCR’s “Bad Moon Rising” instead.

“I see a bad moon a-rising!
I see trouble on the way!”

SH*&!!!!!!!!!!!!

I frantically tried to get it back when Angelic Voice opened the window to hand me my drink.

“Oh thanks! Hi listen, ummm…” I began awkwardly.

But she had already slammed the window shut.

“Don’t go around tonight,
Well it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise!”

After I hauled my sleep deprived body out the door for work, I stopped by the drive thru at Wendy’s to grab some grub on the way. I started making my selection and then began wondering why they couldn’t seem to hear my order. Then I saw the reason why: I had pulled up in front of a trash bin and mistakenly thought it was the intercom.

Whoops.

You know it’s stupidity like that that reminds me of why I can’t get a woman. Who wants to be with an idiot like me? That’s why I’m banking on the sympathy factor, in the hopes that I will find someone who will feel so bad for me that they decide to stay with me just out of pity.

Well a guy can dream at least.

And I don’t mean bland either, I mean boy howdy f’ugly ugly.

Seems I always have to do some considerable digging before I can find a profile of someone who didn’t look they were the product of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. Why is this? Out here in the real world, I don’t have to take two steps before running into a bonnie lass I’d like to club and take home (and I would too if it weren’t for those damned assault laws.) Yet when it comes to these online dating sites I feel like I’m trapped inside a Twilight Zone rerun.

Now before you go bashing my head in with a 2 x 4 here, I happen to think the men on these sites are even uglier… including me.

I’m convinced part of it has to do with the fact that if you got a girl who is A) drop dead gorgeous, and B) has a heartwarming personality of an angel from heaven, then why in God’s name would she need to use an online dating site? Men from all over the world would stampede to her hometown and start gouging each other’s eyes out for a shot at her. She’d have the pick of the litter.

Nope, what we’re seeing on these sites are the leftovers. Girls who couldn’t attract a guy’s attention probably because they all mistook her for being a guy. Or maybe because they weren’t enthralled by the thought of listening to her rant on about feminist power and why all men should be disemboweled just for being men. Or maybe it’s the mention of an angry ex-husband who owns a gun and likes to drink, all while assuring her prospects that yes, he really did stop drinking this time, and he fully realizes that it’s over between them, so no need to worry.

Mainly though, I think it’s the profile photos they choose to use (the recent ones, not the ones showing how you looked when you were ten years younger and 300 pounds lighter, as if I’m expected to believe those 90s outfits are still stylish even today.)

Look, I understand not everyone is photogenic. I know one girl who tends to look pretty bland in photos, but in real life she is absolutely gorgeous. Sometimes, the camera just wants to be mean.

But when I see some of the photos these girls pick out to use on their dating profiles, I’m seriously convinced many of them have a drinking problem. It doesn’t help that the photo they chose to use actually shows them being drunk either. And yet I can’t tell you how many times I keep running across pictures like this. They’re always in some kind of bar somewhere, holding up kegs of beer and making contorted facial expressions at the camera that tells me either someone just grabbed your bunny boons, or you truly are one batsh*% crazy chick.

It’s not even cute when men do it, but when girls do it it’s downright scary. Here’s some advice ladies (and I use the term loosely): those profile pictures of you giving the camera the finger because you were completely hammered from sampling 13 different alcoholic drinks don’t make you look pretty. They don’t make you look cute or sexy or whatever it was you thought the picture was meant to evoke. If you want the kind of guy who’s never seen a “Girls Gone Wild” video, then please STOP acting like you were one of the girls that starred in one.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, how about the sober photos? Here’s the thing: if the only photo you put up is a shot of you 100 feet or so away from the camera, so far away in fact that your image doesn’t take up more than 3 pixels of space on my monitor, then give it up. I know you’re ugly. Why else why would you use a photo that not even the forensics labs at the FBI could successfully enlarge?

And then there’s the dark photos. You know, the webcam shots of yourself that you took at 2 in the morning with only the glow of the monitor to light your face. So now, not only can I not be convinced that you’re pretty, I’m also starting to wonder whether you’re really alive either. Really, when your profile pic looks more like the ghostly image of an angry Lizzie Borden than anything resembling living flesh, I can only suggest one thing: instead of putting it up on Match.com, send it to Ghost Hunters instead. They love that sort of thing.

*Sigh*

I really shouldn’t complain though. If surfing through a sea of mind bending ugliness is what it’s going take to drive me offline and actually try approaching girls in real life, then maybe this is just the kind of medicine I need.

Heath Ledger’s passing was truly tragic, but I have to ask myself, what is it about being rich and famous that induces so many people into thinking, “Hmmm, my life really sucks, let me start throwing down a few and shoot me up some happy juice.”

Naturally, I blame women for this.

No really, think about it. Who else on this planet can take a guy who is:

• Wildly successful, good looking and famous, with his face and name gracing all the major papers on a regular basis…
• Has hundreds of thousands of adoring fans…
• Has enough money to buy his own island and all the toys he could ever want…

…and then effortlessly cause him to wake up in a pool of his own vomit, wishing he had never been born?

It was probably a woman who drove the Joker batsh*% insane.

Whatever caused poor Heath Ledger’s downward spiral, I can guaran-damn-tee you that a woman had something to do with it.

So what lesson can we draw from this? I would suggest this: if you ever become rich and famous and want to truly enjoy your success and live a long, healthy and happy life, then you need only follow one rule: Stay the F*&% away from women.

As each year draws to a close, I find myself losing more and more hope that I’ll ever find my future beloved. She exists only in a dream, her warmth and love such that only a woman can give was something I would never experience in real life. Any experience I’ve had with the opposite sex have instead always resulted in my heart being ripped out and torn to shreds.

But then something happened on Friday that infused me with a renewed sense of hope. It started when I received some white chocolate treats from a coworker, a pretty brunette I once had a major crush on, until she of course fell in love with another coworker and promptly married him a few months later.

“Wow, thanks Karen, these are great!” Then in passing I mentioned that while I liked white chocolate, dark chocolate was actually my favorite.

So she went home and made a fresh new batch of dark chocolate, just for me. I couldn’t believe it.

“Karen, you didn’t have to do this! I was just teasing!”

“It’s ok, I wanted to.”

I was stunned. This act of charity was truly unexpected and something I never thought would come from her.

Later that evening, I checked the latest video of TV Squad Daily, hosted by the stunningly gorgeous Brigitte Dale. I made a somewhat tongue in cheek comment a few days before asking her to sing a Christmas song, and to my complete surprise, she actually answered that request in her next video (beginning 00:34 seconds in):

Too bad she didn’t post my blog address though. Still, it was a much welcome gesture, especially coming from someone who is quickly coming close to taking the same throne once occupied by Jessica Alba. Ok, that’s enough dreaming now, Linc-O.

In any event, these two acts of goodwill went a long way in taking the bite out of what had otherwise been a stingy Christmas season for me. 2007 had been a terrible year, both health wise and spiritual wise. I needed to believe that better times were ahead, and I’ve been holding dearly on to the hope that 2008 will finally be THE year where everything will change, and where the identity of the mystery blonde will finally be revealed.

I still have a long and grueling road ahead of me though, and the outcome is still uncertain. Yet these two beautiful women collectively gave me the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for: hope.

I thank God for this renewed sense of hope and purpose, as it carries me through this Christmas season and into the dawn of a new era.