There’s no love lost between me and mainstream Christian writers, especially those whose shoddily written books sell a bazoolion copies simply because their audience are complete morons who just vacu-suck in everything their pastor spoonfeeds them without an individual thought of their own.

But every now and then somebody comes along and says or writes something that just begs for a smackdown by yours truly.  Case in point, a relatively obscure blogger named Tim Challies quotes from a book written by an even more obscure Christian author:

“One of the biggest problems in the church today is the failure of young adult men to value and pursue marriage.”

Apparently the quote is lifted from Phillips’s book, “The Masculine Mandate: God’s Calling to Men,” which is yet another book that purports to tell men how they’re supposed to behave and act using disjointed scriptural references and quotes from pop culture TV shows like Seinfeld.  Or was that “Wild at Heart?”

Challies’ endorsement of this quote would typify the behavior that one finds in the modern metrosexual male.  Like clones of Max Lucado, Challies and Phillips seem to me to be the kind of feminized men who write in pink notebooks and breastfeed their own children.  The perpetually and nauseatingly effeminate manner in which they criticize men for every evil in the world demonstrates that “regeneration” apparently did nothing to divorce their attitude towards men from how the rest of the world perceives us.  Which is, as amphibian bio-waste that needs to be neutralized from existence.

Tim Challies’s quote from Rich Phillips is ironic considering the misogynist overtones of Scripture (not that the verses are in fact misogynistic, it just appears that way) especially in Ecclesiastes.  We are told that for every thousand righteous men, there is only one righteous woman in that same bunch, if even that.  And Solomon would know a thing or two about that, having gone through at least 700 wives.    (Ecclesiastes 7:26-29)

Phillips/Challies appear to be too numbnutted to believe that the failure of a marriage might actually involve two people instead of just the man.  Indeed, it seems to me the primary perpetrators of evil in our increasingly feministic society are women, not men. The divorce courts favor women, while our laws give women special status in almost every aspect of their lives.  Women can also falsely accuse men of rape and destroy their lives with absolutely no risk of consequence.  The entertainment industry also constantly denigrates and insults men at every turn.  How could this relentless bombardment of male bashing not seep into the thinking of even well intentioned women (including Challies)?

And they wonder why men might not value marriage anymore?  Seriously?

Personally, I’ve given up on the idea of marriage or even dating.  I have accepted that there is simply no single woman out there left that is worth my time and aggravation.  The neurosis (teh crazies!!1), the self absorption and the utter sense of supremacy gets old after a while.  Who can find a virtuous woman?  Certainly not I.  As a result, I have admittedly become very bitter about it, but I am slowly learning to accept that Paul was right, I am in fact better off single.  Of course women who see this will say the reason I haven’t found anyone is because I’m bitter, or ugly or otherwise undesirable.  They have absolved and divorced themselves of any accountability in regards to their despicable behavior whatsoever.  It is ALWAYS the man’s fault.  I’m single?  Gotta be my fault and my fault alone.  Women are but darling cherubs of light to which it is nigh on impossible for them to do any wrong.  Right.  And I got two bridges in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.

Since our supposedly Christian stalwarts of the community appear completely vacuous in their analysis of what ails marriages today, I’ll try to fill in the void with my common sense approach to the matter.

Marriage is a two way street.  It’s not about pleasing yourself, it’s about pleasing your spouse and doing what makes him OR her happy.  Women should not go ahead of their husbands and should let him take the lead.  Men in return should not treat their wives as  doormats but with love and respect, and should not be afraid to make command decisions either.  Each spouse should have their due affection rendered them, whether it comes in wumpsy snugglies or other things.  Let the strength of one complement the weakness of the other.

See?  How fricking hard was that?  It certainly beats the advice of telling men they need to camp out a lot in the wilderness like that schmuck for brains John Eldredge does in his book “Wild at Heart.”  Oy.

Maybe I should write a book myself. 

Tags: affection, analysis, books, christian, christian author, church, divorce, effeminate, husband, male bashing, man, marriage, marriages, men, metrosexual, misogyny, relationships, Scripture, wife, woman, women, women suck
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
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Generally, it takes ten years for a woman to fall in love with a man.  I’m serious people, this is science, look it up.

Things might move along a wee little faster though if you put some muscle into it and work 24/7 to get a girl to fall for you.  Then perhaps after spending enough time, effort, money, (and then a little more money), and much sweating of blood and tears, she will finally deem you worthy of her love.  Maybe.

But in the meantime you have to do all the heavy lifting, huffing and puffing your way into her heart, and if you’re a sensible enough guy you might start thinking somewhere along the way, “What woman short of Queen Esther herself would be worth all this aggravation?”

I mean really.

I look at creation and all I see is an ocean of women who are self centered, fickle, manipulative, ball crushing, man hating hell-beasts that were handcrafted in the bowels of perdition by the iniquitous and the vile.

But for most guys, they’re perfectly willing to traverse this minefield as long as it gets them the BOOTY.  The acquisition of booty has therefore become the driving force of their existence.  But for a Christian guy like me, it’s not the booty I want, it’s the luuuuuuuuuuuuurv.  But women today, for whatever reason seem to be far more willing to give over their bodies than they are in giving over their hearts.  Maybe it’s because they have no heart to begin with? 

I might indeed be the last of my kind, a guy who wants romance and love and lots of wubbly snuggles, but in this day and age, there seems to be no one left who can truly fulfill those needs.  When I look at a girl, there never seems to be anything compelling about her that would make her worth the effort, or worth the chase.  And the thing that really kills it for me is the utter lack of empathy.  There’s just no warmth, no sense of caring, no concern about my life or interest in me as a person.  If I poured out my heart to them they would be unmoved by it all.  They just don’t care.  They’re lukewarm, neither hot nor cold.

So why would I want to fight for a woman like that?  You could be more beautiful than a setting sun, but if you have a heart of stone, if you give me absolutely no incentive to make it worth my while, why should I even bother?  I’m the kind of guy who just wants to hear these words:

It’s hearing that kind of heart, that kind of passion that would tell me you’re worth fighting for, indeed worth moving even heaven and earth for.  But I fear those words will never come.

Yeah, I think it’s time I gave up this silly dream of finding my soulmate and true love and whatnot, and finally moved on with my life, even if that means having to juice myself up with mega doses of Prozac just so I can numb out these feelings and keep them from consuming me.

Living the life of an emotional zombie has never looked better. 

Tags: christian, empathy, love, lukewarm, romance, soulmate, stardust, true love, woman, women, women suck, YouTube
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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The results from my last poll (Should I stay single?) were pretty interesting:  Only 20% thought I would be perfectly happy remaining single, 34% took the coward’s way out and mentioned their fondness for pie , and 46% were convinced that I’d soon be doing 20 to life if I didn’t get myself a honey bunny soon.

The demographics were even more interesting: most of the ladies who voted felt that only the love of a good woman would bring me happiness, while most of the men opted for singlehood.  Those who picked pie were roughly split between the 2 genders.

Conclusion: Women think I need them, while men think otherwise.  Naturally, I side with the men. 

The truth is, as much as I might pine for a little coochie coo, I really don’t need you wimmins.  Sure, it’d be nice to have a little squeeze toy I can play around with every now and then, but ultimately, the odds are very much against me in finding someone I could truly be happy with, and vice versa.  In short, I think it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who was hell spawned by Satan.

Oddly enough, this kind of attitude generally makes me more attractive to the fairer sex.  Women don’t seem to like men who are clingy and whine for wubsiness, but when we become more aloof and independent and could give a flying dinky winks whether girls like us or not, suddenly our hotness meter goes way up.  It seems to be the paradox of romance: the more we want women, the less they want us, but the less we want women, the more they want us.  Oy! 

Frankly though, I’d rather be the chasee than the chaser.  There’s so much aggravation and misery involved in chasing after someone that she really has to gem of a woman to merit the trouble, and these days, they hardly seem to be worth it.  There has to be something about a beautiful, single girl that can make me believe she’s a cut above the rest.  Even if she has a rough exterior (because God knows I certainly do), if I discern that God truly lives in her heart, and the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-26) is evident in her personality, then I’d move heaven and earth to win over her love.

So… anybody here like that?  Yeah I didn’t think so. 

Tags: demographics, girl, God, happiness, love, personality, poll, romance, single, singlehood, Spirit, woman, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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It never ends, and it seems like no matter what and no matter who, women always manage to do those womenly things that piss me right the hell off and makes me want to join some kind of backwards religion that keeps women locked up in chains or some damned thing in order to prevent them from screwing up the world with their evil woman-ness.

But when I touched bases with a female blogger who seemed to acknowledge that women were inherently evil and worthy of endless flogging, I thought, “Finally, someone who gets me and understands my frustration with this abominable creation of nature that is woman.”  After trading a few emails, I ended up helping her monetize her blog with some degree of success (to the tune of a few hundred extra greens a month.)  Why?  Because I am if nothing else, an awesomely nice, studly guy. 

And then I never hear from her again.  I send several more emails.  Nothing.   Months go by.  Promises made by her are unabashedly broken.  I do her a favor, and in return I get plugged up the bonky boons.  Yep, typical woman engaging in typical womanly behavior, only one who admittedly recognized the cattiness and evilness of her gender, and then goes and does the very kind of thing that makes her kind so repugnant and worthy of dropping into a vat of boiling acid to begin with.

Ah well, lesson learned.  I will never befriend or help any kind of woman ever again no matter how decent, charming, or sweet she might be.  You are all the work of the devil and shall now and forever always be treated as such.  Burn in hell, you filthy terrorists of Satan!!!

(Now if you’ll excuse me, my Mommy needs me to pick up some groceries for her…)

Tags: behavior, blogger, devil, email, mommy, monetize, rude, succubus, woman, women, women suck
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Another coworker of mine is getting married, this time it’s a woman with cerebral palsy.  Very nice person too, and when she talked about her fiance, she indicated that he had a similar disability as well.   She showed us all her lovely new ring.

“Wow, that’s probably about as close as I’ll ever get to an actual real diamond,” I said.

“See Linc?  You never know.”

“Unfortunately, I have found that I am the exception to every rule, no matter what that rule is.”

Indeed, it seems lately that every time I look around, I’m always seeing somebody being paired up with their own.  If I see a Chinese girl, she’s holding hands with a Chinese guy.  If I see a black guy, he’s holding hands with a black girl.  Now here’s someone with a disability who is getting hitched to someone else with a disability.  How in a horse’s wide load are these people finding each other?

For my part, all I can seem to attract are women who, oddly enough, look like men.   Does that mean I’m really gay and this is God’s way of trying to tell me to own up to it?

Really quite sure that’s not the case here, but frankly, I’m running out of plausible reasons to explain away this anomaly.

Lately though, I’ve been settling on what I call the “My Man Genes Were Pounded to Fossilized Dino Droppings” theory.  This theory extrapolates that I was somehow born with a genetic defect that precludes a particular demographic of women from being able to see me.  Like, at all.  In other words, if I’m at the supermarket, they will run right through my righteous ass with their carts not because they’re being rude, but because they just couldn’t see me.

The more I think about it the more things start to make sense.  If I hold a door for a girl and she walks right on through without acknowledging me or saying thank you, it wasn’t because she was being rude.  Again, she just couldn’t SEE me.  It also explains why when I’m talking to a girl, she’s always looking past me, like I’m not actually there.  Really, is it conceivable that every woman in creation would be that rude?  Doesn’t it make more sense that they were simply unable to physically see me at all?

I think I need to head down to Harvard with this.  This definitely merits a closer look and possibly conducting controlled studies so this phenomenon can be observed in action.  I’m talking fully funded with grants and the whole works, and lots of hot girls to use as test subjects too.

Seriously, it’s for science. 

Tags: anomaly, coworker, demographic, disability, girl, girls, God, phenomenon, science, woman, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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It’s no secret that I’ve been raging against all things estrogen for the better part of the year now, having given up on the female race as being entirely irredeemable and utterly given over to the cause of evil.

And then someone like Sarah Palin comes along and helps me restore my faith somewhat.  Maybe, just maybe, all is not completely lost.

McCain’s astonishing VP pick (and current governor of Alaska) is gorgeous, articulate, smart, conservative, accomplished, and by all appearances a devout Christian too.  She’s also a member of the NRA.    Oh, and she’s gorgeous as well.  Did I mention she’s gorgeous? 

In short, she’s everything I could have ever wanted in a woman.  Someone who embraces her femininity, but is still a tomboy of sorts who would grind you to ashes if you ever did her dirty.  They don’t call her Barracuda for nothing after all.    More importantly, her attractive appeal is grounded in her intelligence and principled beliefs, demonstrated in one part by in her refusal to abort her child she knew would be born with Down’s syndrome.  Meanwhile others who profess to be Christians have no moral aversion to supporting a candidate like the Obamanation, who stops just short of endorsing mass infancitide. 

Being awash in a sea of underwhelming females who spend half their days with their noses buried in Vogue magazines and their heads up Obama’s goomie gumbos, Palin arrives like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you Sarah Palin.  Thank you for helping me believe once again for the impossible, that there may just be another one like you out there, and that maybe someday soon, God will finally bring us together. 

Tags: christian, Christians, conservative, femininity, God, intelligence, john mccain, love, Obamanation, presidential campaign, presidential election, sarah palin, tomboy, woman
Categories: Politics and Poker, Romance and Relationships
 
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