I started writing this while enjoying dinner at Cheers (yes THE Cheers, or at least the replica they created at Faneuil Hall). As soon as I walked in the overhead speakers started playing “More Than A Feeling”, and I knew I was home.

Unfortunately no one knew my name...

After a few days in the city too, I think I’m almost ready to become a Red Sox fan. ALMOST.

Boston was simply amazing, and it’s not just this city either. I don’t know what it is about Massachusetts, but this state seems more endearing to me than any of the other New England states I’ve visited so far. On my way up here I traveled through Rhode Island for the first time, and decided to spend a day of geocaching as I made my way through just to get a sense of the state. By the time I got to the border and reached Fall River I decided Rhode Island was simply the state people drive through to get to their REAL destinations. Even though I took the scenic route that saw me pass through Newport, (an area famous for its mansions) Rhode Island was just a blah experience. I decided that I would probably never visit there again, and just cut through Connecticut instead for future trips (unless of course I go to Cape Cod, then I’ll have no choice.)

My initial impression of Beantown was just how clean everything was. Seriously. The roads were smooth and paved for the most part too. Trust me, take a drive through Manhattan and you’ll start to understand why this is a big deal. I had played it right by reserving a hotel in the financial district, where it was only lightly crowded, the parking garage just a block or two away, and where the T line was literally outside the hotel’s entrance. It was a no frills hotel, but it was immaculate. It was also freezing cold, but once I got settled in I was anxious to take a look around even as the wind cut right through me. Boston’s skyline was not as busy as New York’s, but it still seemed majestic and pretty in its own unique way. Once the sun set and day went to night, nearby Christopher Columbus Park and Faneuil Hall went ablaze in colorful lights. From my 7th floor window, the lights of the city just seemed to dance like fireflies in the woods.

The next few days proved to be a whirlwind of sightseeing and running around. I’m finally back home now and I still haven’t caught my breath yet. I’ll write a series of posts over the next few days on what I did and where I went, but suffice it to say it was an awesome experience, and I cannot WAIT to go back. I didn’t even have time or the energy to start ranting about Valentine’s Day either, which starts in just a few hours. Tomorrow I think I’ll probably sleep in for 15 hours or so, then go out, find a happy couple to spit on, and then come back again to sleep for another 15 hours. Sounds like a plan to me.

Tags: Beantown, boston, cheers, Faneuil Hall, geocaching, manhattan, Massachusetts, New England, new york city, Newport, Rhode Island, skyline, tourism, travel, valentines day
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So it’s looking like my server isn’t even going to be upgraded until Wednesday. Well screw it then. I’ll just continue blogging until I go out in a blaze of glory.

And oh, what’s this? The governor of New York allegedly gets caught hooking up with an alleged hoochie coochie ring, placing an alleged order for “Kristen” the very night before (wait for it….) Valentine’s Day. Allegedly.

Did I not tell you that day was cursed?

I feel sorry for the guy though. Man’s so ugly I bet even his wife won’t touch him unless the lights are out and she’s double blindfolded, so I could understand if he felt little choice but to go off the ranch for a little bit of bareback horse riding fun.

But dudes, have you seen the PRICES for them pro hos?

I mean, $5,500 an hour for one of their premier selections. An HOUR. Just getting a hug would probably set me back 3 days pay for crying out loud. I wouldn’t pay that kind of money if it meant rolling around in the hay with Jessica Alba… …ok I would, but still, we’re talking a lot of money here.

Makes me wonder if that’s going to be my future though. Is true love going to be such a lost cause for me that I would have no choice but to use my life’s savings to pay off a “working girl,” just so I can finally get one little night of snugglies and wubs?

What a cold, cold world we live in.

Tags: Eliot Spitzer, governor, hooker, hugs, love, money, new york, night, prostitute, prostitution ring, snuggles, valentines day, working girl, wubs
Categories: Politics and Poker, Romance and Relationships
 
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This might come as a shock to you, but I hate Valentine’s Day.

Ever since Donna Costello kicked me in the shinny after giving her a Valentine card back in the third grade, I knew this holiday was going to bring me nothing but grief.

It got worse during my high school years when some evil bastard of a bastard came up with the brilliant idea to have flowers and Valentines delivered DURING CLASSES. So I’m sitting there at my desk minding my own business, trying to learn the intricacies of the periodic table, when lo and behold there’s a knock on the door and in walks this delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers, meant of course for the ONE girl I happened to have a crush on. And then when class is over I get to watch her throw her arms around her darling love while I grab my chest and try to endure the agony of having my heart get ripped to shreds as I made my way to Spanish class.

Year after year it was like this, even as I continued to hope in vain that maybe, just maybe, next time things would be different. Nope. Unfulfilled love, loneliness, pain and anguish continued to rule my Valentine’s Day.

Then a few years ago, something happened that would forever seal Valentine’s day as a day of infamy for me. I came home one night to find an eviction notice had been posted on my door. An evil relative had stolen the house that my family bought and paid for, and then had the courts rule in his favor to get us thrown out so his granddaughter could move in with her skank boyfriend. My family unfortunately had no money for an attorney, so we were left defenseless against this onslaught of pure hatred. And, (almost like it was his parting gift), our relative poisoned our pet cat, who died shortly before our eviction.

The worst act of hatred that had ever been commited against me (and left me homeless for the first time in my life) happened precisely… on Valentine’s Day. That experience changed my life forever. I no longer had a place to call home, and the ruinous trials that resulted in that destructive aftermath left all of us with no assets except the cars we drove and the clothes on our backs. My parents will never be able to retire, and even with our resources pooled together we had all been effectively priced out of the housing market. Even years later, I can still feel the dull impact of that devastating day.

So yeah, I f*&#ing hate this accursed holiday.

The only way I’ve managed to survive in the years that followed was to basically hide under the bed and pray the demon-spirit of Valentine wouldn’t come get me. Then when the morning of the 15th finally came, I’d come out and breathe a sigh of relief in knowing I would live to see another day.

Of course, last year I made the mistake of thinking it was finally safe to come out again, and met someone online (on Valentine’s Day) who seemed to be the perfect girl for me. Educated, funny, intelligent, had a good career, loved to travel, shared the same political and religious beliefs I did, and most importantly, had blonde hair .

The perfect girl ended up stringing me along for 2 months, and then after sending her flowers for her birthday, I get texted a terse “thank you” and never hear from her again. I mean sheesh, if you’re gonna be like that then at least pay me the difference for the flowers I bought you cheap miserable mother#*&%ing bi___

I hate Valentine’s Day.

But… you know, whether it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment or because I’m just a dumb schmuck (or both), there’s a part of me that’s still holding out hope that this Valentine’s curse will someday be lifted. That maybe, just maybe, there’s a special girl out there who can finally break the hex and make this day a day I no longer have to fear or despise again.

Until then, I will continue to hide under the bed and rage against the pink machine.

Tags: anguish, anti valentine, evicted, evil, hate, homeless, loneliness, pain, pet cat, unrequited love, valentine card, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Here’s my working list of the things I might like to do for Valentine’s Day:

• Toss molotov cocktails into Hallmark stores.
• With a pair of scissors, walk into florist shops and snip off the top of all the flowers.
• Look for starry eyed couples playing suck face in public, approach them and ask the girl, “Thanks for giving me a deal on the trick the other night. Can we do it again on Tuesday, same time, same place?”
• Randomly call husbands at home and ask them if their wives will be free again tonight. Refer to the wife as your “honey bunny pie” to enrage him even more.
• Rent out a copy of every Valentine’s Day related slasher flick ever produced, beginning with My Bloody Valentine.
• Drop kick anyone in the face who mentions how wonderful and dreamy their girlfriends are. Kick them again when they’re moaning on the floor from the pain. Kick them yet again.
• Send emails to everyone on my contact list with the message, “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I just saw your boyfriend/girlfriend making out with this girl/guy at the mall today.”
• Go to the park to look for couples cuddling after a picnic. Tell the nearest park police officer, “Excuse me officer, but I saw this couple smoking pot and sharing it with some 8 year old kids. Can you go check it out?”
• Find out who’s planning a romantic dinner at home and when. Just as their dinner is about to start, call 911 and in a frantic voice inform them you heard gunshots coming from their house.

I think all that should be enough to keep me busy on Valentine’s.

Tags: anti valentine, bloody valentine, evil, list, things to do, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Here’s a collection of Anti-Valentine related quotes I’ve found around the web. I think I like the last one the best.

If it weren’t for you I’d be a different person, maybe even happy.

If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost as if you’re here.

You had me at HELL no!

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

I feel much better now that I’ve given up hope.

I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

My girlfriend has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you love, affection and comfort? Me neither.

If you can think of anymore, post them in the comments.

Tags: anti valentine, funny, Quotes, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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To the poor little boy who found my blog using the search phrase,

“i’m 12 and i like this girl who is dating another guy how do i win her heart”

Congratulations, you are now about to embark on what will undoubtedly be the start of a lifelong journey of unrequited love and gut wrenching heartbreaks, because that cute little girl you’ve been mooning over for months and leaving little notes for is in fact one vicious, bedazzled terrorist of a creature who was fathered by Satan and mothered by the Antichrist. There is no doubt that she would not hesitate for a second to claw your eyes out and bite you in the face just for daring to pollute her existence, and then going off to laugh with her spiky haired boyfriend about what a huge loser you are.

So give it up. No matter what you do, she will never, ever like you, and those freckles on your face that Mamma said made you look so adorable, in fact make you look like a genetic mutant freak of nature to the object of your affection and the rest of the real world.

Consider this your baptism of fire into a life of bitterness and loneliness, because things are about to get much, much worse. As women get older, they will have outgrown the physical biting and clawing your eyes out, because by then they’ll have mastered the art of psychologically screwing your mind over so badly that all that will be left of you by the time they’re done is a shell of a human being wrapped in a strait jacket, muttering incoherent thoughts in a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.

So, you can take this as an early lesson that women are not cuddly bundles of love, but are in fact hateful instruments of torture and destruction who will happily dance all over your carcass while playing suck face with their latest trailer park trash boyfriend who just made parole.

Learn this truth now my boy, and you can save yourself by writing off the female race altogether, and then throwing down a daily dose of Prozac to numb out your feelings so you’ll never fall in love again.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Tags: advice, anti valentine, heartbreaks, loneliness, unrequited love, valentines day, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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