MOVE YOURSELF!
You always live your life,
Never thinking of the future…

PROVE YOURSELF!
You are the move you make,
Take your chances winner/loser…

I was planning to blog a short series of posts given the unusual lineup of Friday the 13th being followed by Valentine’s Day this year.  Ironically enough both days have significant meanings to me.  One of the worst days of my life happened on Valentine’s Day, while my career plans to attend law school effectively ended on a Friday the 13th.

Instead I got caught up staring at my server logs all day long because my blog kept going down in flames during heavy traffic spikes, and I couldn’t figure out why.  It got to the point that I was ready to quit blogging once and for all.  That’s how upset I was.

In a way I feel like this is it, the last option I have in weaving a career and a life that I could be happy with.  And given the times we live in today, I don’t think I could have picked anything as monumentally stupid to stake my future on than this.  But I felt like I had no choice.  God had closed every other door I tried, to the point that it seems like my destiny will amount to nothing more than working a deadend job and living with Mommy dearest until I die of a brain tumor.

And just to make sure I absolutely know what a miserable failure I am, let’s have a blogging success story that I can only dream about thrown in my face the very same day I spend hours crying and tearing my hair out over my own malfunctioning blog.  Yes, let’s do that, because God knows my batter and bruised esteem simply hasn’t been stomped on enough throughout the years.

Why does that happen anyway?  Am I imagining this?  Because it seems like whenever I’m at a pivotal point where I endure a major setback or failure, right at my lowest moment I get bashed over the head by the prosperity and success of others close to me.  What the hell, dude.

It seems like the entire universe is conspiring together to either drive me to suicide or a catatonic state where I spend the rest of my days staring at the wall of a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why all of life is determined to crush whatever hope is left in me, and that it actually seems to step up its efforts to do so on Valentine’s Day.

SEE YOURSELF!
You are the steps you take,
You and you – and that’s the only way…

SHAKE -  SHAKE YOURSELF!
You’re every move you make,
So the story goes…

There does come a point where I have to shake the hurt off and move on though.  And I guess this year is going to be all about accomplishing just that.  I can either move forward and push just as hard as life keeps pushing me until I finally prevail, or I can lay down and die, both spiritual and physically.  But no matter how beaten down I’ve been, that hope that’s still flickering somewhere inside me continues to survive, and as long as it’s there, I don’t think I’ll ever truly give up.  I may despair and cry and whine and wail at times (ok, a lot of times), but though I am cast down, I am not defeated, and my heart may be lonely, but it isn’t broken yet.

So go blow it out your ying yang Valentine’s Day, and whatever dark forces that keep conspiring to put an end to me, because I am not going to go silently into that good night.  Bring on the noise. 

WATCH IT NOW – the eagle in the sky,
How he dancin’ one and only…

YOU – lose yourself,
No not for pity’s sake,
There’s no real reason to be lonely…

BE YOURSELF -  give your free will a chance,
You’ve got to work to succeed!

Tags: blog, blogging, career, career plan, conspiracy, destiny, failure, fight, friday the 13th, future, God, job, law school, life, lonely, meaning, server, success, Valentine
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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And that is without a doubt, because by next year I’ll not only be debt free, I’ll also have a nice little nest egg too, so I’ll be able to afford a hooker for V-Day 2010. 

What?  I’m not gonna do anything, I’m just looking for the company, that’s all. 

Hopefully though it won’t come to that.  Maybe sometime between now and next February, things will have changed enough that the doors to love will finally swing open, and young, single women everywhere will suddenly discover my inner hotness and wubs me for who I am, green warts and all.  It could happen right?

I want to believe it could happen, and indeed I was even given a sign that it would happen, but here’s the thing:  I suck.  I truly, unequivocally, unquestionably suck a moose’s dead cooties.

No decent girl on this earth who has lived a virtuous life full of kindness and charity should have to be punished by being saddled with a mooch guzzling hairy buttbag like me.  I really don’t deserve to have someone special in my life.  I don’t deserve to have a helpmate, a best friend, an equal partner in love.  I don’t deserve to be happy.

I’ve been a failure my whole life, and I will always be a failure.  That’s just how it is, and the kind of girl I’m looking for deserves nothing less than a winner.  Besides, it’s too late to meet someone anyway.  I’m already past my prime, I’m disabled, my hair is turning gray and I’ll probably be bald by Christmas, and God knows I’m already ugly enough as it is.  All I’ve ever wanted was to experience young love, and that opportunity has finally slipped away.  I’ll never know what it’s like to “rejoice with the wife of my youth.”  I’ll never know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s in love with me.

I don’t even see the point of blogging any more.  All I’ve done was work myself like a dog for over two years to keep this site going and hoping some day to profit from it, and then I have to watch while others blog for merely a week and suddenly they get opportunities left and right without even breaking a sweat.  Why?  Because I suck.  Al Bundy has had more success than me.  At least he scored 4 touchdowns in a high school football game.  I was in the marching band, and I wasn’t even first string either.

Sigh.  I suck.

Tags: Al Bundy, blog, depression, failure, hooker, loneliness, love, sadness, single, success, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I’m planning to stream my playlist of anti-Valentine songs this Saturday for all my beloved readers to enjoy.     If you want in on the fun, you can make a song request in the comments below and I’ll add them to the playlist.  I’ve kind of mellowed out since last year though, so my personal song selections are more ballad oriented than the more harsher “let’s all go kill people dead” streak I had going last time.

Tags: anti valentine, playlist, song, songs, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I’ve been pining for the girl of my dreams ever since I was a wee one and had my heart broken by an 8 year old who tore up my Valentine’s card and then kicked me in the shinny.  Since then, over the years my dream girl had always become nothing more than a part of my fantasies, a figment of the imagination, an image in my dreams, yet never someone who was truly real.

But what if… she were?

Something happened a few days ago that made me realize it was not only possible, but it was indeed a reality, a reality that God Himself was going to make happen.  It was no longer a question of whether she existed or not, but when she would finally reveal herself and change my life forever.

She IS real.  The revelation of that was finally beginning to dawn on me.

So why am I so panicked about it? 

In a way I think I’ve grown comfortable in my misery.  It was a safe place to be, absent of any responsibility or any obligation whatsoever of having to work at a real, honest-to-goodness relationship.  That she would exist meant my life as I knew it was soon going to end, and I no longer had an excuse to be a bum anymore.

It meant I had to get my act together and start training myself to be the man she needed me to be.  Strong, healthy, loyal, disciplined, loving, caring, confident… you know, all those things I’ve never been before?

Hmmmmm…

As I think about it, if she really is the girl of my dreams, someone who is gorgeous, warm-hearted, virtuous, humble, loving and gorgeous, then why should she be punished for ending up with someone like me? 

I might just decide not to change my life after all, only because I wouldn’t want her life ruined for being stuck with a mooch-ball like me.  She deserves better.  She deserves a REAL man, not some dweeb monkey who swoons to the melodic sounds of Air Supply.

Yep, I think I’m actually behaving like a real man’s man here by taking the easy way out, that way I can continue living the self destructive life I’ve been living for oh, 10 odd years now.  I’m sure she’ll find somebody else too, and I can continue to pine after her in my perfect fantasies where I have super powers and perpetually rescue her from the dark, evil forces of the Znorg Empire, and if I ever get bored of that, then I can always get lost in my collection of my favorite Nancy Drew mystery games.  You see?  It’s all win-win baby. 

… … … … … right? 

Tags: air supply, discipline, dream, dream girl, dreams, fantasies, girl, girl of my dreams, God, health, imagination, man, misery, reality, relationship, revelation, safe place, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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