One billion people on the Internet, 250 million from North America alone, and I yet I keep running into the same people over and over again. Which is bad enough unto itself, but on top of that they had to be ugly too. Really ugly. Bat droppings ugly.

Nowhere is this more evident than when I sign up for oh, about 30 different dating sites or so, and yet somehow, it’s always the same crowd of girls. Literally. (Hey didn’t I see your profile on Match.com? Good grief, get away from me you skanky ho!)

I’m sure they’re thinking the same thing when they see my profile for the umpteenth time, so I guess it all evens out there.

But man, come on. 250 million Internet surfers, and I can’t simply disappear into the crowd here? Nope, I get the same bloody lot of dweebs burrowing up my righteous coochies every which way I surf, stinking up all my favorite online watering holes, and there’s simply no way I can avoid them, a conundrum that leaves some of them absolutely convinced that I’m stalking them.

“Oh no, it’s that Lincoln again, he’s always following me around! What a freak!!”

Bite me. I was here first you sniveling, whiny–

Ah well. My only solace is that I am just as much a boil on their cooties as they are on mine.