I was kinda in a really bad mood.

I do have moments like that (more than I’d care to admit), but after I calm down, a kind of melancholy then sets in. I really don’t want to be this angry with Him, but it’s hard trying to make some sense out of the events of the last few years, and since I’m the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, every bad thing that happens in life tends to cut me deeply.

There are times though when I suspect that I’m personally the butt of some sick, heavenly joke. I’d pray I meet someone at work for example who could be “the one” for me, and when I do meet that person, she ends up rejecting me and marrying another co-worker. If the answer to a prayer has to be no, fine, but why rub it in my face? Why humiliate me like that?

And that’s what life seems to be like these days: a series of prayers that not only go unanswered or rejected, but also seem to require some form of divine punishment for even daring to make them. Why?

It’s a simple question, but one that I don’t think will ever be answered.

Ahhh, Friday has arrived at last, giving me a little time to reflect on the failure that is my life.

I couldn’t help but notice how the entire world and God Himself blew me off this week. I got blown off by my boss when I begged him for help in working new hours so I could go to law school. I got blown off by my union rep in trying to resolve some of the ongoing issues at work, from the mouse droppings on my desk to the bigwigs’ initial refusal to accommodate my disability. I got blown off by personnel, who I inquired of for a transfer so I could get the *bleep* out of here. I got blown off by Uptown Girl, who strung me along for weeks before finally ignoring me altogether. I got blown off by friends, by family members, and finally God Himself, who I’ve appealed to repeatedly with many tears and pleas for answers and relief from my troubles.

And now, once again, it’s Friday night and I’m here all alone, with only the wedding photo of a girl I had a crush on here at work to keep me company. Evidently someone thought it’d be nice to leave a copy of our department newsletter on my desk, turned precisely to the page that showed a caption and photo of her recent wedding. Thanks dude! assface…

My latest failures, the problems at work, the loss of yet another career dream, the loss of my latest romantic prospective, all finally took its toll on me last night. As I went through my normal work routine, I suddenly broke down and started sobbing. A wave of depression came over me like a dark fog, draining all my energy and strength. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. A day later, the depression is still lingering around (and probably will for a while).

It’s times like this when I start to wonder if my parents can still collect life insurance from me if I commit suicide. But for the time being, I decided instead to enjoy tonight’s lineup of Stargate and House, and go to hell with myself by ordering pizza. With extra toppings. And a chicken roll. And some cheese fires. And baked ziti.

Yep, I’m going full on Italian tonight. To heck with you all.

I’ve been so bombarded with the aggravation I’ve been getting at work that I haven’t been able to take a moment to weigh in on the Virginia Tech shootings until now.

What can someone say, really, to such a senseless act? What factors could drive someone so far over the edge that he would meticulously plan a rampage that involved murdering innocent people, many of who probably didn’t even know him? After all, the pain and suffering he evidently experienced is something we all go through in life. I have certainly felt divorced and disconnected from the world, unloved and unwanted, but something like that would make me want to take a nice long nap on the train tracks, not go and shoot innocent people up.

I have to admit I’m a little annoyed by the collective response to this tragedy though, which reveals some of the deeper problems I believe ails our society. When a tragedy like this happens, we usually see candlelight vigils, rallies, and of course, those ever popular ribbon campaigns, all of which seem to serve no other purpose than to demonstrate how much we care (Ooooh, look at me, look at me, I’m wearing an orange ribbon, which means I’m a wonderful, caring person who actually gives a hoot!) There has even been a call for a day of silence where bloggers and commentators alike are encouraged to refrain from blogging, or commenting on blogs for 24 hours.

This always struck me as a rather self-indulgent, Hollywood way to convey sympathy to those who have lost loved ones so shockingly and tragically, even if it had been done with only the purest of intentions. But more notably, it runs contrary to what Christ taught us through Scripture on how our works of charity ought to be made. We are admonished by Him to do such works as secretly as possible, which would prove to ourselves (and to God) that such acts of kindness are not made with the desire to garner favor from others, but out of a genuine love and concern for others. That’s why I tend to see these public shows of support as the equivalent of what the hypocrites Jesus spoke of did, who loved to sound the trumpets and wait for a crowd to gather before they performed their good deeds.

It’s not to say these public rallies have no place at all, but I do think they’ve become embarassingly overemphasized in today’s day and age. That much was evident to me when I noticed the scarcity of sites that were offering drives to donate monies to the victims’ families (to pay for funerals, counseling, memorials, etc.). I only managed to find one so far, but there may be others as well. If you’re interested in donating, the school has created a memorial fund here:

Virginia Tech Memorial Fund