“She’s still here Linc.”

I blinked a few times. “Are you @#$% kidding me?”

“I kid you not.”

I hung up my cell and threw it across the room. The woman almost drew a gun on my relative (who also works the same job), and they expect me to work in the same section as her???

3 weeks of this crap. I called my union. My union thinks I’m the bad guy. But after hounding their fat hairy asscans for days on end, they finally talked to the bigwigs and my union rep assured me she would be moved out the day after Thanksgiving.

She lied right to my face. Motherfrick useless union whore. I called her cell and left an urgent message, but of course she never called back.

Well that’s it then. I donned my uniform, grabbed my audio recorder and headed out the door. I was going to make a visit to the Commissioner’s office and see the big man himself. I had enough.

After I pulled up alongside headquarters, I took a long, deep breath. In seven years I had never gone in to see the Commissioner. Hell I didn’t even know what his office looked like, but I would soon find out now. Rather appropriately, the commish’s office was at the end of a long hallway on the second floor, and as I walked that last mile, I knew I was putting my job on the line. I was going over the heads of all my bosses and bypassing my union altogether. I paused for a few seconds outside the door, trying to gather myself and keep myself from visibly shaking. I prayed hard and asked God to watch over me.

And then stepped inside.

I called up the Director’s office, but apparently the Director is such an important guy that I have to write a letter formally requesting a meeting with him first, then outline the reasons why. Good grief.

So I wrote a nice long letter explaining everything: naming names, describing Devil Woman’s long and sordid history, and my request to be immediately transferred either to another division altogether, or somewhere outside of headquarters.

Then I drove down to HQ and parked next to the building entrance. I grabbed my MP3 player in case the Director decided to see me then so I could record the conversation, and braced myself. In 7 years I had never done anything like this, and now my job and future was on the line. Once I turned in that letter there would be no going back. All of hell was about to be unleashed. I let out a long breath, and opened the door…

*RING*

My cell phone lit up, but I let it go to voicemail. I hesitated long enough to check my message just to see who it was, and it turned out to be my union rep, letting me know she had good news and to call her back as soon as possible.

Hmmmmmm… I looked at the entrance again for a moment, then decided to call her back.

“Hello?”

“Hi Del, it’s Linc. You had news for me?”

“Yep, she’s gone.”

“…………..what??“

“She’s gone, back to her old section.”

“What happened??”

“Apparently she wasn’t authorized to be in that section to begin with, so she’s been ordered back to her division.”

“……….well I’ll be a son of a b….”

I spoke for a few more minutes, and from what I could garner, my union rep had finally talked to one of the chiefs, who upon learning that Devil Woman had been moved, immediately called to have her put back. The move had been unauthorized and never should have occurred.

It was a victory, but I was peeved. My union rep had given me the runaround for days, telling me she couldn’t couldn’t be transferred, there was nothing she could do, I had no case, blah blah blah, and one conversation with the chief finally took care of that stupidity. Really, how about you actually find out for sure first what can’t be done before you start making broad assumptions and making me out to be the bad guy here? Damned stupid woman.

But… a victory is a victory, and I do need to thank God for it. If I hadn’t stood my ground, who knows how long she would have remained there. The powers that be in my section were trying to pull a fast one, but now they’re on notice. Next time they push me, I WILL bring the noise.

Ahhh, Friday has arrived at last, giving me a little time to reflect on the failure that is my life.

I couldn’t help but notice how the entire world and God Himself blew me off this week. I got blown off by my boss when I begged him for help in working new hours so I could go to law school. I got blown off by my union rep in trying to resolve some of the ongoing issues at work, from the mouse droppings on my desk to the bigwigs’ initial refusal to accommodate my disability. I got blown off by personnel, who I inquired of for a transfer so I could get the *bleep* out of here. I got blown off by Uptown Girl, who strung me along for weeks before finally ignoring me altogether. I got blown off by friends, by family members, and finally God Himself, who I’ve appealed to repeatedly with many tears and pleas for answers and relief from my troubles.

And now, once again, it’s Friday night and I’m here all alone, with only the wedding photo of a girl I had a crush on here at work to keep me company. Evidently someone thought it’d be nice to leave a copy of our department newsletter on my desk, turned precisely to the page that showed a caption and photo of her recent wedding. Thanks dude! assface…

My latest failures, the problems at work, the loss of yet another career dream, the loss of my latest romantic prospective, all finally took its toll on me last night. As I went through my normal work routine, I suddenly broke down and started sobbing. A wave of depression came over me like a dark fog, draining all my energy and strength. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. A day later, the depression is still lingering around (and probably will for a while).

It’s times like this when I start to wonder if my parents can still collect life insurance from me if I commit suicide. But for the time being, I decided instead to enjoy tonight’s lineup of Stargate and House, and go to hell with myself by ordering pizza. With extra toppings. And a chicken roll. And some cheese fires. And baked ziti.

Yep, I’m going full on Italian tonight. To heck with you all.

Maybe.

18 months of soul searching, seeking, knocking, begging for clear direction, begging for signs, begging for ANYTHING that might give me an indication that I wasn’t making the mistake of my life by signing up for law school, and now here I am… one day before the deadline, STILL without an answer.

I spoke to my supervisor about my intentions and how keeping night pay would be a necessity for me even if I switched to a day shift. One of my co-workers was still getting it even though he now works days, so I knew it wasn’t impossible, and if they rejected it in my case while he continues to collect night pay, it would clearly show favoritism, and they know I’d raise hell about it. After my boss spoke to his boss, he came back to me and said I would need to come up with a plan and a new schedule that would still keep everyone happy, and if I could I do that, maybe I’ll be able to keep my night pay as well.

I looked at him like he had gone mad and thought, “Isn’t that supposed to be YOUR job??” I couldn’t believe his response to my request had been to simply pass the buck to me.

So I went to my union rep, who told me she would call another union rep, who as luck would have it, was out with a broken ankle and wouldn’t be back for some time. After I kept emailing her, she sent me a testy response basically indicating that I was on my own.

I didn’t know what to do. Why couldn’t I get any straight answers from anyone? Why couldn’t I just have been told, “No, you can’t do it!” and then I could finally move on with my life? Why did I even have to be accepted to law school in the first place, and thus avoid all this grief?

I was now saddled with the burden of coming up with a new work schedule to accommodate 5 people, while also having to ensure that their work schedules would stay intact with as little change as possible. I also had to deal with one erratic co-worker who I knew could not be trusted to adhere to any schedule I propose, even if she might initially agree to it.

What a mess. With a broken and heavy heart, I called my coworkers together and explained the situation. We talked about it for a while without really resolving anything, and then I went to work on diagramming our complete work schedule to see how I could possibly fill in the gaps.

Some how, some way, I saw a possible solution that involved my coworker Mickey coming in a little later than usual on Mondays and Fridays to cover, which he agreed to. I put together the new proposed schedule with a letter, and left it on the desk for my boss to go over tomorrow, which of course is also the same day as the deadline to make my deposit.

And I know what will happen too. Nothing will get resolved, the issue of whether I’ll be able to keep night pay will still be in limbo, and if I make a deposit after the deadline expires, I’ll only be able to secure a seat if someone else withdraws and my name comes up next on the waiting list. I could easily be waiting all summer long before I’ll know anything for certain.

I’m beginning to understand now why so many Christians simply can’t wait around for an answer regarding these kinds of life changing decisions. Who could do this really? Who could be willing to wait and wait and wait while life passes you by and all of heaven seems to be as brass? Some people just do whatever the heck they want and assume whatever path they choose is automatically God’s will, yet without consulting with Him, or seeking His direction, or waiting to give Him a chance to guide them. And sometimes they’ll get blessed anyway, in which case they become even more obnoxious and convinced that because they prospered, they have been operating within God’s will all along. It’s a form of pragmatism that never did sit right with me.

I always thought it noble that I defer to God’s own desire for my life, and allow Him to guide me where He wanted me to go, instead of just simply doing my own thing. But I NEVER expected that this would have been the price I’d have to pay for clinging on to that belief, losing so much time and experiencing so much agony just in waiting for an answer that may in fact, never come. It angers and depresses me that this how I am rewarded for having what I thought were the noblest of intentions. I wasn’t arrogant in pursuing my own path. I wanted the Lord to lead me, to choose a career for me, since I felt He of all people of course would know where I’d be able to make the most difference, where I could do something worthwhile and meaningful. Instead, I’ve been left to drift endlessly, mourning wasted years and feeling abandoned by a Father who had promised He would never abandon me.

What kind of testimony can I possibly give now to the world? My very life up to this point indicates that it is unprofitable to wait on the Lord for much needed answers. We can but only direct our own life without His input or His guidance. We are in a way orphans, left to fend for ourselves, tossed to and fro by the storms of life, without hope of ever seeing calmer waters.

And yet, in spite of it all though, somewhere deep down inside of me, my soul is still clinging on to hope… praying that the stormy chaos of today will give way to a peaceful, joyful calm in the morning.

So let us see what the morning will bring.

Alright, this has gone on long enough.

My decision on whether to attend law school or not has taken me on a road almost as long as law school itself. It all began in October of 2005, and it may finally, FINALLY come to an end on Friday the 13th, which is the deadline for the deposit I would need to make to secure my place in the part time evening class of the law school I applied to near my job. Interesting enough, this would mark the 18th month of this pre-law school to the DAY. Hmmmmm….

I’ve been asking for signs, for answers, for guidance, for ANYTHING to indicate whether this was the way to go. I got in return: nothing. But nothing might eventually become something this week. Because I couldn’t get the school to accommodate my night time working hours, I was ready to write off the legal profession once and for all and finally move on with my life. But then something happened at my job. Our night work got eliminated, leaving the possibility that I might actually get transferred to a day shift after all. There’s no telling whether this might happen or not, especially given the idiots that run the place here, but it’s certainly possible. I looked into the possibility of switching my acceptance to the school from part time days to part time evenings, and much to my surprise they were happy to accommodate me in this respect.

The issue now though is my night pay. I earn roughly $400 more a month just for working in the evenings. If it came to me having to voluntarily switch to a day tour (instead of being forced to switch) so I could attend school at night, then I wanted to do so without losing that money. One of my other co-workers at least was still getting night pay even though his hours had been switched, so I knew it was possible. I’ll have a meeting with my union rep this Tuesday to discuss the issue. My union rep also knew of a scholarship I might be qualified for, so we’ll be discussing that as well.

It also hadn’t escaped my notice that for the first time in the almost 7 years I’ve worked here, a new change would be instituted that could eliminate more than 50 percent of our workload. That this was scheduled to happen the same month that I would start law school was very peculiar. It meant the amount of work would soon be light enough that I could spend ample time studying on the job. It was yet another concern that had been squared away.

Finally, Uptown Girl is a lawyer herself. It raised new possibilities for a future relationship that could happen between us, but in what way I didn’t really know. Still, it was another peculiar coincidence. But whether all these strings of coincidences point to something or not remains to be seen. I guess what will seal it for me is being able to secure my night pay even if I start working a day shift. If that happens, it will be a minor miracle that would allow all the pieces to finally fallen into place, and the law school dream formerly left for dead comes alive once again.

If I know my luck though, nothing might actually be decided this week. If I don’t get a definitive answer from my union rep about the night pay until after the deadline, I would still be able to make a deposit, but I would not be guaranteed a seat unless someone else withdraws their enrollment. In this case I would just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Of course, if I can get night pay AND be able to secure myself a seat in school even after the deadline had already passed, than I bloody well owe it to myself to give this thing a real shot.

If God is merciful though, than this week will finally be the one to provide me some solid answers.