For the past few weeks I’ve been getting wave after wave of new matches on my trial eHarmony account, an account I’ve kept open just for kicks for the past year or so. Lately some of them have been sending me communication requests, but since I wasn’t paying I couldn’t respond to them, or see how ugly they looked either.

And of course this is all times neatly with eHarmony’s 3 month deal where I “only” have to pay 19.95 a month, a deal that ended July 25th, which they then extended to August 5th, then August 15th, then August 20th, then the 25th, then the 30th, with each new email alert giving me the same URGENT message that I better hurry up and sign up soon or the deal will expire and be gone forever and ever and ever…!

Whatever.

But since women were attempting to contact me, I thought I owed it to them to at least be courteous and respond, since they obviously paid for the service, and eHarmony’s horse crapola practice of matching people with non-paying subscribers was a fraudulent injustice that I could personally do something about (as long as I was willing to chivalrously fall on my sword and let the scum sucking bastages scam me out of $60.)

Plus, I wanted to see how ugly my matches looked.

So I finally signed up for real today and began sifting through all my matches. I had about 100 up to this point, roughly have of which were closed too, and of course these were the better looking matches too. Ah well, they all looked like slutty babylonian harlots anyway, so I counted it no big loss. When you close a match you can give a reason as to why you’re doing so, and my favorite one thus far was some hoochie mama of a ho bag who closed her match with me because “the physical distance between us was too great,” despite the fact that she lives about 4 miles away from me. Yeah, ok. I guess I had to live in the same apartment building to be close enough for her.

After I went through the closed matches out of morbid curiosity, I started going through my active ones. I noticed what seems to be a consistent pattern too. Either the matches were whale mountain beasts who create human solar eclipses wherever they walked, or they were hot but slutty looking trampers who worked for the theater. I must have emphasized my creative side a bit too much in my personality profile, because these theater/actress matches were a dime a dozen.

I knew what they were all about too. Since they travel around the country to perform in shows and musicals, their social circle is therefore limited to the people they travel with, and if they’re having no success with that circle, their only recourse for the most part is to go online.

Basically those theater girls would expect me to be content with a relationship where they blow town for several weeks or months at a time, and when they come back, I’m to be their stand-by male escort where I cater to their feminine needs by providing them manly company and buying them jewelry, all in the vain hopes that I’ll get a kissy wissy in return, at least until they skip town again after 3-4 days to perform at other shows.

It only takes me 2-3 seconds to close those kinds of matches. Maybe a few seconds more if they’re hotter than usual and have nice big honking-

But anyhoo…

After dropping the theater harlots and the whale mountain man beasts, I went from 50 active matches to about 4. One girl mentioned her love for pizza and actually eating a whole pie once, so she automatically made the cut. What? You talk pizza and you’re already halfway into my heart, fo’ sho’!

The other two were missionaries and seemed like nice people, so I kept them as well (even though the traveling thing becomes an issue again with missionary types, but at least they’re better stock than the theater people…. I hope.) The last one was a lawyer, which alone was grounds for closing, but she was very pretty, so I hesitated. She also has a huge smile too… like ridiculously Joker huge, but since her teeth are white and purdy I guess it’s all good. Judging from her profile though, she does seem a bit too far out of my caste system, so I don’t expect much there.

And that’s pretty much it. My account will expire at the end of November, and once it does I am DONE. Seriously. I’ve always gravitated towards dating sites because of my hearing loss, but I think that’s an issue I’m just gonna have to learn to put up with when befriending women in real life, and maybe over the course of time I’ll meet one who won’t think of me as broken, inferior goods just because I have a hearing loss, or because my job doesn’t pay well enough, or because I don’t drive a BMW.

Maybe, some day. But if not, I think the single life paired with an occasional trip to Prague (where prostitution is legal and CHEAP) would suit me just fine.

Tags: dating, dating site, dating sites, eharmony, girls, harlot, hearing loss, online, pizza, profile, relationship, theater, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Just came back from seeing the Dark Knight.  Good film, though certainly not the greatest movie I’ve ever seen in the history of mankind, and it certainly wasn’t better than Batman Begins, which I LOVED.

The movie experience is really starting to sour on me though, beginning with the ticket price of $7.75 that I had to pay… for a MATINEE show.  Just to get a bag of popcorn and a fill of soda set me back another $11, for a total of $18.75 overall before I’m even sitting down here.

Now about $20 poorer, I’m finally settling in and watching no less than 25 commercials because I arrived a few minutes early, which was then followed by previews mixed in with even MORE commercials, and now I’ve seen enough advertising that I should be watching this #$%^&ing movie for free, hell they should be paying ME money now.

But, still, this was a matinee show, and there was barely anybody there, so once the movie begins it should all be smooth sailing from here on out, right?

Nope.  Just before the lights start to dim, in comes in a parade of 3-4 year old little snotlings followed by their parents, who at that point should have been arrested, sterilized and caned for being the dumbest assiest parents alive.  Really, who takes their 3 year old kids to see a dark, disturbing movie like this?  You’re talking about a film that shows a horribly disfigured Harvey Dent like so:

And sure enough, during a scene in the movie where Harvey Dent shows his horribly disfigured face for the first time:

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Murder.  Death.  KILL.

I proceeded to turn my face abruptly and gave the parents a withering, disfiguredly look of my own, and then made an angry show of getting up and moving to another seat while they tried to calm down their traumatized children, who no doubt will now grow up to be violent criminal imitations of the Joker themselves, all because they had the misfortune of being raised by the stupidest, laziest, asstarded parents in creation. 

Gads.

And even when the little turdlings could manage to shut UP for five minutes, I could still barely hear the dialogue, which was all but completely drowned out by the booming, thunderous bass of 7 foot tall speakers that was designed only to maximize the sounds of ground shaking explosions taking place in the film (and nothing else.)  It’s not a stretch to say I came away from the movie missing 70 percent of the dialogue and wondering what the $%^& half the movie had even been about.

Sigh.  Somewhere along the way, mankind managed to completely destroy the movie going experience for me.  All I can say is, thank God for DVDs.  I can just grab up a digital projector, find a white wall here to use, and I’ll have my very own custom movie theater, with a comfortable easy chair to sit in, no little crapballs with legs running around and screaming at the top of their lungs to ruin it for me, cheap buttered popcorn from the local market, and finally, perhaps the greatest invention ever made in human history: the pause button. 

Tags: batman, batman begins, commercials, dark knight, film, matinee, movie, movies, parents, speakers, theater
Categories: Popcorn and Cinema
 
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Guess what movie I’m seeing today.

Tags: bruce willis, die hard, kai, movie, movies, theater, yippie
Categories: Popcorn and Cinema
 
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