Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. - Evan Esar

The ever resplendent blogging diva (you know her as La Shawn Barber) is fed up with the heat. So am I, and I’m glad I’m not the only one. This has been a particularly miserable @#$% summer for me, and not just because of the heat… but that’s another story.

I hate summer. This is the one time of year where I’m forced to abandon my black leather jacket and hot looking clothes for ugly looking flip flops instead. It’s the time of year where the usually gentle warmth of the sun morphs into homicidal death rays bent on scorching the hair off my body and causing my skin to burst into flames. That and of course the humidity, both of which conspire together to suck the bloody life force out of me until I’m left with virtually no desire to live anymore. Yep, I truly hate summer. I detest it, loathe it, would spit on it if I could. I always thought this was God’s way of reminding us how worse off hell would be if we didn’t wise our unrighteous asses up.

Worst yet, I have to put up with the global warming wacknuts screaming in my ear, “I told you so!!!!! The icebergs are melting and it’s all Bush’s fault!!”

Well now. I believe last year was one of the warmest on record if I’m not mistaken, and this year will probably surpass that, so at this pace the world should probably end in a couple of years, forcing us all to live on boats and grow gills behind our ears in some perverse Waterworld reality. Maybe Kevin Costner was on to something after all.

Out of a more sobering curiosity though, I wondered how this summer would in reality compare to the global temperatures of the past few years. After some googling, I found more information than I could ever absorb in three lifetimes, hosted by the fine folks at Junk Science. Apparently, it’s been a half degree warmer than the historical average so far. The highest peak had been in 1998. I think.

Yet the only honestly definitive answer to the question of whether it is truly getting abnormally warmer is “Maybe.” Even less definitive is what might be contributing to it, but liberals are convinced beyond all doubt that it’s those damned gas guzzling Republicans that are the culprit. But… I have another working theory as to what might account for this relatively recent increase in balmy temperatures. Look at basically any global temperature chart, and you’ll see things started heating up around the late 60s, early 70s. Now think about it, what was so significant about that particular period? My hypothesis is that the global warming phenomenon had its genesis in what would later become known (ironically enough) as the Summer of Love.

Yep, this was the era girlie magazines like Playboy hit the big times and free love was all the rage. Notably the women’s liberation movement also experienced a surge here (which I suspect at the time was really more about being liberated from their clothes than anything else). The sudden rise in public displays of fine young women frolicking around in their birthday suits would result in a collective worldwide rise in body temperatures, experienced mostly by men in heat. This rise in body temperature has thus become the driving force behind the global warming phenomenon we are seeing today.

Not convinced? Note the charts indicate the temperature climb becomes even steeper in the early 90s, precisely around the time the protocol known as the World Wide Web (WWW) is introduced, making it more easier than ever for millions to download content they wouldn’t want their mothers to know about. Consequently, global warming increased dramatically to levels never seen before in contemporary history. Still have doubts? Consider this then: In 1997, Maxim releases the U.S. version of their girlie magazine. One year later, we experience the highest peak in global temperatures on record. Coincidence? I think not.

So there you have it: global warming is not being caused by gas guzzling SUVs, evil Republicans or even greenhouse gases. Nope, it’s hot looking babes that are the culprit. Miss Barber complains about the heat? She’s a part of that group that’s BRINGING the heat. Smokin’ hot women worldwide are endangering this planet and threatening all of life as we know it. It must stop!

So here’s what I propose: all you liberal women out there who profess to care so much about the environment, it’s time to stop dressing like hookers walking the 42nd Street beat, and start doing your part to save the planet! I suggest wearing burqas from now on, especially since many of you seem to be such big fans of Islam. That alone should cause the body temperatures of millions of young men to plummet dramatically, sparking a cooling effect that will at long last bring global temperatures back to normal levels. Any refusal to do so will prove to us all how hypocritical and unconcerned you truly are in wanting to save the world. Yes, no doubt men everywhere will be sorely disappointed and distressed at your decision to put in, rather than put out, but we all have to make sacrifices here. So dress up, or shut up!

Conservative women need not apply of course, since they are a considerable minority, and thus any action they take would probably have only a nominal effect on the environment. So my advice to all you conservative women would be to simply carry on, and keep up the good work.