Where do I go from here?
Lincoln Adams | July 30, 2008 @ 12:39 amNow that it’s been two years since I created this blog, where do I go from here?
Looking back, it’s interesting to see how things played out. When I first started out in 2006, I blogged under the assumption that I would be eventually be attending law school later that fall. I thought the name “Habitation of Justice” was a suitable name then, and the blog would have basically been a chronicle of my adventures in law school, as well as my subsequent journey into the legal profession. Since I was so focused on getting everything in place so I’d be ready in time for school, I rarely posted for the first year.
Eventually though I had to defer my enrollment when my hopes for a scholarship fell through. The deferment lasted a year, but nothing had really changed by the time it ended, so I had no choice but to withdraw. I made one more try by attempting to go to school part-time at a local university instead, but eventually those plans fell through as well.
When it seemed like my whole future had collapsed, I eventually became fixated on making money off my blog, and spent the rest of 2007 working towards that end. I devoured everything I could find about making money online, getting more and more frustrated because most of what I read were actually tips that I had already read off dozens of other sites, so I ended up reading the same fricking material over and over again. Yet this was an idea I wanted to work so bad because I hated my job, and the allure of being able to live off the Internet was a really strong one. 2007 was all about establishing my blogging identity and doing whatever I could to bring in the traffic I needed so I could turn my blog into a money making machine.
That of course also met with miserable failure. I had a huge identity crisis to deal with in that I just didn’t know what my blog should be about, and I knew I had to find a niche I was passionate about but still could make good money in. I dabbled in doing paid reviews and other gimmicks here and there, but nothing really met with success. All I could do was burn with envy at those who had become wildly successful with their own blogs, and nothing I could do could even remotely come near to their level of success. The kicker was reading about a 19 year old weenie punk of a teenager who was raking in tens of thousands of dollars a month by running fake review sites containing hidden affiliate links. They seemed to make money without even trying, and they did it with impunity.
Eventually I just gave up. 2008 began with me resigning myself to the fact that I would never get anywhere in life, much less with my blog. I had no skills, no talent, nothing I could offer that could make this whole endeavor worthwhile. The initial hope I had during the beginning of the year quickly dissipated as my health started to deteriorate, and I sunk even lower in despair and loneliness, fearing that I would forever be trapped in a dead end job and a dead end life.
But then somewhere along the way, in the midst of all that self-pity and despair, hope once again began to spring eternal. The more I thought about law school, the more I began to believe God was doing me a favor. I was happy enough to accept that such was His will, but what I was NOT happy about was being strung along for over a year when I kept asking and begging for confirmation that I was going down the right path. Yet when I think about it, maybe it took so long to get an answer because I was meant to learn something in all that, and who knows what kind of chain of events that whole experience set off too, which I may not ever truly realize the depths of until later on in life. They say sometimes the journey itself is more important than the destination, and I think that wise proverb applies here as well.
I also started to realize that part of the reason I had such an identity crisis was because I was trying to mimic other people’s lives (and subsequently the successes they enjoyed.) I was trying to fit the square peg that I was into the circle of life, and as long as I continued to do that I’d never be able to move forward. When I finally began to accept that my life was being defined by a complete different set of standards apart from the world’s own, I started to feel much better. And my blog at long last began to take coherent shape. My journal here is ultimately, a personal one, a catalog of both my physical and spiritual journey through life. And that is probably what it will always be.
It also occurred to me that the driving force of my personality was my humor. It was both sardonic and sententious, expressing an outright disdain of life’s petty silliness and the world’s stupidity, especially those of Christians who should know better. Laced in sarcasm and saltiness, my voice was a fire breathing one, crying out in the wilderness that is the Internet, and because of it I would alienate all, and yet somehow, I would also allure all. My life was nothing else, if not a paradox. Here the laws of physics come to an end, and the laws that only God can control begin to take hold.
I still dream of a life of self sufficiency, where I no longer have to be tied down to one place, but can travel freely and live freely, (writing about these experiences on my blog of course), and doing those things that never would have been possible had I had a wife, a family, and a house that surely would have kept me chained down with obligations I doubt I could ever fulfill.
That’s why I feel the road calling out to me. It beckons, with its hidden dangers (as well as hidden promises.) There may soon come a day when I will don my leather jacket, and ride my Black Stallion to wherever that highway takes me, hoping to find that spiritual and physical dwelling where true justice reigns supreme.
The Habitation of Justice. 
Tags: black stallion, blog, blogging, christian, confirmation, God, internet, journey, law, law school, leather jacket, legal profession, loneliness, making money, miserable failure, personal, success, writing
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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It also helped me locate what file was causing my site to take forever to finish loading, and after I got rid of that it was like I had a new blog all over again.
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