So I’m on this dating site right, and I find this girl I have a high percentage match with. I notice she’s online and she just “faved” my profile (meaning she saved it as a favorite). Since you can chat real-time with anyone on the site, I sent her a chat request thanking her for faving me, and that it was good to be loved. She accepted the chat and wrote back, “You’re welcome, and yes it is good to be loved!”

Yay! Finally a nibble!

“So, how was your day–”

She closed her chat window.

What… OK, maybe she made a mistake, so I send her another chat request. No response. I try to send her email but I’m blocked from doing so.

The hell?

You know what, I’m getting mighty motherf*&^ing tired of these motherf*&^ing rude unhinged bitches and their motherf*&^ing bullsh*% mind games.

Great, see what these evil women made me do? Now I have to go repent.

There are like 2 million people on this site and maybe 10 of them match me at higher than 80 percent. You’d think they might appreciate someone who obviously shares the same interests and beliefs they do, especially when such traits are uncommon to begin with, but nope. Obviously camaraderie doesn’t mean bat guano to them. Emails either get ignored altogether, or they’re initially friendly, and then it’s like their inner evil bitchiness comes out and they feel they just HAVE to play these stupid games with me.

That’s not even the half of it either, then you got them laying down what amounts to a World War II minefield of absolutely bat-sh*& crazy criteria that you must, absolutely MUST pass before you even have a prayer of a chance to be a blip on their radar.

Like say, the way you write your subject line in an email. One girl was going off on how she won’t even respond to anyone who writes “Hey” in the subject line, finding it to be too informal and annoying.

You could be a billionaire model who poses for GQ magazine, but if you write “Hey!” then it’s out with you, big boy.

I’m telling you, I can almost hear Rod Serling in the background while I tear out my hair in a fit of near insanity as I try to navigate these fricking minefields, petrified that one stray word or move will end up blowing yet another chance for me to be with someone.

Is it really supposed to be THIS hard?

To cap it off, the “Christian” penpal I was chatting with the other day goes dead ass cold on me. No response to email, chat requests, nothing, even though she’s on the site like a hundred times a day.

You know, I used to think I was being rather picky, with a high set of standards that I felt at times were maybe a bit unreasonable, believing when it came to accepting people’s flaws and blemishes, women certainly held the higher ground here than I did.

Good Lord what kind of crack was I smoking?

I am Disneyland compared to the Fort Knox these women have made themselves out to be, (the difference between them and the real Fort Knox being that the real fort actually has something valuable in it, whereas these women offer nothing of value whatsoever may they all rot in hell evil spawns of satanic demon dogs that they be.)

I’m not bitter though. No really. I have learned to accept my singlehood with a quiet sense of dignity and grace, understanding now that my loneliness will only be truly cured when I finally learn to take advantage of one of the greatest blessings and inventions science could ever bestow upon man: whiskey.