Since we’re getting close to Single Awareness Day, thought I’d add one more item to my collection of anti-Valentine’s Day postings from my favorite teddy bear of all time: The Misery Bear!
Tag Archives | single
Spent another afternoon of wandering about, beginning at a mausoleum and ending at one of my favorite supermarkets so I could grab up some TV dinners. Ah the single’s life.
One of the places I stopped at was a newly renovated playground so I could hunt for a micro-sized geocache. I quickly found the cache, then sat down to rest for a few minutes. I noticed one black woman was nearby but I assumed she was just passing through. Although I was beginning to get a bad feeling, and sure enough:
“Hi, mister, what are you doing?”
“Ummm, nothing much, just taking a walk around.”
“Are you waiting for someone?”
I made a show of working on my iPod, hoping she would soon go away.
“You look lonely, would you like some company?”
“Oh, no, I’m fine really.” I took out my water bottle and took a few swipes.
“It’s ok if you’re lonely, if you want we can come back to my place and I’ll take good care of you.”
I almost spit out my drink.
“…um, no that’s ok, I’m fine, really.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m definitely sure, thanks though.”
“Ok, if you ever change your mind, I’ll be around sweetie.”
“Um, thanks, have a nice day.”
She slowly walked away, and I made a show of using my iPod like it was a cell phone, all while keeping an eye out for her until she was really gone. Then I raced back to my car and hauled out of there faster than a bullet train leaves Tokyo.
Children’s playground too. Really?
Seriously dudes, just because I’m by myself in a park does not mean I’m lonely… ok it does, but that’s not the point. One of the reasons I like geocaching is because it’s one of the few activities you can enjoy on your own, unlike say, tennis. There are so many activities that are designed with more than one person in mind that it’s nice to finally have a hobby such as this one that doesn’t require me to have a social life before I can begin to enjoy it.
That’s why encounters like these annoy me. I’m getting accosted (twice in one week now!) because I’m a young dude who’s always by himself, so somehow I must fit the profile. A single who’s always getting a table for one, who’s always by himself, who never has anyone to keep him company becomes a target, if not for this then probably for worst things (much easier to mug one person than it is a group.) This world does seem to try awfully hard to make it feel like there’s something wrong with me for always being alone. But that’s who I am. I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t make friends, I make enemies, but I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s the hand that I’ve been dealt with and I learned to live with it.
That said, I think I’m gonna need a dog though. A mean, vicious looking dog. And a shotgun.
So, basically, I brought in the new year by watching old episodes of Heroes from Netflix and popping Ferrero Rondnoirs. I hadn’t even realized it was 2010 until 3 minutes past midnight. I also refused to turn on the TV to see the ball go down because I am just not a fanboy of watching stupid, drunken revelers gyrating all over each other to the tune of crap metal devil music. Plus Dick Clark is a weenie.
Next year I hope will be a different story. Instead of gouging myself on chocolates, I hope to ring in the near year with my first ever new year’s kiss. With a woman. :-D It’s going to happen, because if I can’t get some stupid, skanked up, self-absorbed, two-bit whore to cooperate and see what a great, sweet guy I am by then, then I’m just gonna hire me a hooker to give me a kissy wissy when the clock strikes 12.
Oh by the way, women SUCK.
No wait, I’m going somewhere with this. I’ve been having a fascinating discussion on a forum about relations between men and women, and some female newcomer talks about how she hates virgins and thinks they are creepy, dysfunctional, and like, totally uncool, and that only men with experience are worth chasing after. So naturally I called her a whore.
But that got me thinking. I always assumed the reason women who slept around were called whores while men who did the same were called studs was due to the byproduct of living in a patriarchal society. But now I see that women are completely to blame for these stereotypes. Why? Because while men respect women who are chaste/virgins, women however do not respect men for being the same. They in fact HATE THEM. A guy who sleeps with 50 women will be adored in the eyes of these skanks, while a virgin is shunned and derided.
As a Christian, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, and therefore chose to honor God and practice abstinence until I found “the one.” I’ve had several opportunities in my life to get on the funky, but I was so repulsed by the women who tried to… seduce me(?) that the decision to say no was easy. Back then I was really an ignoramus, I just couldn’t understand how women could proposition me without knowing anything about me, without any romance, without any emotional bond. They just slept around like it was no big deal.
Nowadays it’s even easier to remain a virgin, because now NOBODY wants me. :-D Only I think part of it was because I so freely talked about my virginal background. I’ve never been with a woman, but I always assumed saving myself for “the one” would endear me to them even more. It never really occurred to me that it had just the opposite effect. Even those that purport to be Christian I suspect still subconsciously shun me and lose respect for me because I am not a player.
So how then can I attract women now? Well it’s simple: LIE. If anyone asks, I have had 20 women in my life, and they ALL want me back.
That’s why I say women don’t want honesty, they want the right answers. I give them the wrong answer because stupid me thinks they might appreciate honesty, and they will run away like a thief in the night. It doesn’t matter who I am as a person, it only matters that I am only desirable to them if OTHER women also found me desirable. That’s why married men are more attractive to women than single. That’s why men with built-in harems are more attractive to women than men who practice monogamy.
The truth is I can’t reveal anything about my past, because I don’t see anything in it that could allure a girl. Everything I say about myself WILL be used against me in the court of romance and wubs. I have to lie, at least until I can get her emotionally invested in me, because the sad truth is, it’s the only way I can get any kind of woman to be interested in me. In the meantime, I might ask some of you to fake call me while I’m out on a date and like, cry on the phone and stuff over how badly you miss me and want me back. I’ll put you on speaker so she can hear it too.
Yep, I can’t see how my revised approach here to lie my way into a new relationship could possibly go wrong.
So I’m at the supermarket, slowly pushing my cart around and filling it up with my usual single man’s diet of Ramen Noodles and diet sodas. A twinge of sadness creeps over me as I pass through each aisle on my way to the checkout.
And then I noticed her.
She was a petite brunette, her long, thick hair tied back and bouncing gently off her shoulders. She had the prettiest doe shaped eyes I had ever seen, eyes that were currently scanning for items in the frozen food section. As she moved, she moved with a feminine grace, occasionally pushing back a lock of escaped hair with her fingers, as her pouty lips formed in a frown of someone who hadn’t found what she was looking for yet.
I had to tear my eyes away from gawking, but I could not stop looking at her. She was a complete stranger, and yet I wanted desperately, DESPERATELY to talk to her. Do I throw caution in the wind, and finally take the chance, or do I do what I have always done, which was steal occasional looks where I could without getting noticed, until I finally give up and with a heavy sigh check out my groceries, leave the store and go cry in my car for a few hours?
I walked up to her as slowly and casually as I could, completely terrified with my stomach in a vice-like knot. Suddenly, I was right next to her, pretending to scan for frozen foods but unable to see anything except her.
She noticed me and glanced my way, then went back to looking. Was that a smile?
I opened my mouth and started to speak, hoping to at least get the words out before stammering or stuttering.
“Um, hi.” I smiled.
She looked over at me again, her manner polite, but guarded. “Hi.”
“Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just happened to notice you before and I was so floored by how beautiful you are that I just had to come to talk to you. I know I’m a stranger and all, but I would have regretted it deeply if I didn’t at least take the chance to say hello.”
“Oh…” She didn’t say anything for a moment as she processed what I had just said. Ah man, she thinks I’m a creep now. I knew it.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you, I’ll leave you alone now.”
“No, it’s ok, I’m just… a little flattered.” She smiled sheepishly.
“Well listen, I’m just happy you didn’t scream or anything! Oh, I’m Lincoln.”
“I’m Sharon.” We shook hands.
“Ok, um, I think I broke the ice here, so… what do I do now?”
She smiled again. “Well, you could invite me out for coffee?”
“Oh! That sounds good, I love coffee, I drink it every day and stuff! Coffee’s great! I love coffee!”
She started giggling. “Ok, coffee it is.”
I thought quickly. “Ok, there’s a Starbucks just down the street, it’s as good a place as any. We could meet up there later if you’d like.”
“Sure, I just need to drop off my groceries at my place, and I can meet you there, say 3 o’ clock?”
“Awesome, honestly you really made my day.”
She smiled again. “You’re sweet. 3 o’ clock it is then. Oh, and it’s Lincoln, right?”
The booming voice startled me, and suddenly I was at my desk at work again. It was my coworker.
“What..?” I asked, still in a daze.
“The phone’s ringing, get it please.”
Sigh. I picked up the phone. “Linc speaking.”
For years I made the conscious choice to avoid watching one of the only classic films I have yet to see: It’s a Wonderful Life. I’ve always wanted to have the experience of being able to watch just one classic movie I hadn’t seen before with the girl of my dreams, whether she saw it or not. I’ve seen so many movies now on my own that I wanted to save this one for a time when I could finally enjoy a film with a sweet girl snuggling up beside me.
Now I’m wondering if I should give this up. It’s reached the point where finally meeting someone has become unrealistic. People my age have mostly settled down now and have families of their own. Online dating had been an unmitigated disaster with over 1000 failed matches, and if that experience has taught me anything, it is that I am not compatible with ANYONE.
I have pretty much tossed in the towel and moved on with my life, which is why I’ve been putting myself out there more often and traveling on a semi-regular basis, enjoying the single life as much as I can. But I had completely forgotten about this personal boycott of mine, and I’ve been wondering whether it’s finally time to end the romantic pipe dreams I’ve harbored for so long and finally watch the movie. Why wait for something that will never come to pass?
And yet, a part of me wants to keep this boycott going, unwilling to give up on the idea of love for good. So… I don’t know.
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