Ever since Uptown Girl wrote back to me, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I wanted more than anything to meet her in person and see if we could hit it off right away, but I knew I wasn’t ready just yet. I was also afraid once she saw me in real life she would become extremely disappointed and that would be the end of it. By keeping our correspondence online for the time being, I could at least maintain the facade of being the kind of guy she was actually interested in.

But now that it’s been a week since I last heard from her, I’m wondering all over again whether I’m just being humored here. She did indicate that she would have a busy week at work, but was that just an excuse? Was she already looking elsewhere but just didn’t have the heart to tell me she was no longer interested? Maybe she’s already dating someone else even. Or maybe…. she really was just busy this week.

But I wonder, does she think about me? Does she wonder about the kind of person I am, about my past, whether I would be a good lover and friend to her? Or am I the last thing on her mind? On the flip side, I wonder what she’s looking for. Does she really want someone like me to be not just a part of her life, but an important part? Would I inspire the kind of affection that she would clear a whole weekend just so she could spend time with me? Or would I merely be someone to fill in the gaps of her otherwise busy life?

I also realized her world was totally foreign to me. She grew up with several siblings. I was an only child. She went to a prestigious school and graduated with honors. I went to a no name college and garnered modest grades. She has a healthy circle of friends going back to her school days. I was a loner who had parted ways with his last and best friend over 5 years ago. She lives on her own. I still lived with my parents. She was a fitness addict. I was a couch potato. She loves to go out all the time. I usually spent most of my time on the Internet. She worked for a renowned company in the private sector. I was a civil service employee working in a dump of a department that apparently seems unconcerned that it’s violating several health codes.

The fact is, we were worlds apart. And I am totally scared that once she gets a glimpse of my world, she’d definitely run for the hills. In a way though, a lot of this hasn’t been my doing, but just the circumstances of life, which apparently for some reason has it out for me. All I can hope for is that she’ll be understanding of it all and give me a chance anyway. If she does just that, I could love her forever. I went through life where very few people, and certainly not any beautiful women were willing to give me a chance to prove my worth. I was always written off, abandoned, or discarded like doggie poo. Facing the possibility that a beautiful and accomplished woman would, despite all my flaws, want to be with me is a concept utterly alien to me. And with it I find myself groping in the dark trying to figure out the proper etiquettes of how to move forward from here. How often to email her? Do I only email her when she emails me? Should I call her first or wait for her to call me? Should I avoid going Dutch altogether on dates? Are flowers appropriate for a first date? Is a hug ok, or would a kiss on the cheek do? And what do we talk about? Will the conversation flow, or will things get awkward. Compounding things even more, will I be able to understand her speech since I’m hearing impaired? Or will she have the kind of low voice I’ll barely be able to understand?

These thoughts and more invade my mind at breakneck speed. I’m constantly analyzing myself and every word she’s written to me, trying to make sense of it all. It’s enough to drive even the most mild mannered of people crazy. I definitely need to slow down and take it easy with all this. But when you’re a guy like me who has far too much time on his hands, even the most trivial of things can weight heavily on our minds.

As things stand right now, I guess the next important step is to talk on the phone. For normal people, this would usually be the first thing they do, but because I’m hearing impaired, me and the phones don’t get along too well. I put it off afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her clearly and hence embarrass myself. But I get the feeling she is more of a phone person than an email one, and this is something I may just have to risk, especially if it helps us connect more and determine whether this is something worth pursuing any further.

I’m reminded of a phrase I’ve heard once before: “Life is nothing without risks.” I think it’s time I need to start getting out of my shell and start taking chances. If I get burned…..AGAIN…. well, so be it.

There are times when I’m only mildly annoyed at the thought of having to come into work. And then there are days where the mere mention of work has me foaming at the mouth. This is one of those days.

One of the most annoying things about my job is the blaring ring the phone gives off: an obnoxious bullhorn of a ring that has the same grating effect as fingernails scraping a chalkboard. After 6 years of hearing these rings, the mere sound now evokes thoughts of homicidal violence. Methinks it’s time either for a new phone, or a new job. I think I’ll go with the latter.

Not that this job doesn’t have perks mind you. I get four days off every other week, have excellent medical benefits, as well as ample time on the books for when I want to take vacations (which is always). The work may be about as exciting as watching paint dry, but there’s not much to it, and if I get done early, I can relax for the rest of the day.

And yet, I hate this job. Truly, utterly, HATE it. It was precisely the kind of job I had gone to college to avoid… and yet, here I am. But now with law school on the horizon, my life would obviously change drastically, and the day would come where this job will at long last be a thing of the past.

But would things change for the better?

I’ve often asked myself what would be better: a job that I would LOVE doing, but had no perks, or a job I’d hate doing, but had many perks? I’ve always believed that if I truly loved my job, then nothing else would matter. Yet what scares me about the career choice of becoming a lawyer is that I would not only end up in a job I’d utterly despise, but one that would have no perks either. Things may suck now, but the possible future of being saddled with a six figure debt in a profession I’d end up hating just as much as the job I have now absolutely terrifies me.

The truth is, I’ve gotten comfortable. As much as I hate the boring, mundane routine of life I’m living now, it’s a life I’ve gotten used to. Here, I’m safe. Out there, I’m not, and by deciding to take a chance here in making such a drastic career change, I run the huge risk of losing the very security I enjoy now. If I end up leaving the nest, would I fly, or would I fall?

I don’t know what to do. You would figure this would be the part where God would come in and show me the way, right? Nope. It’s been proven over the years that God could give a rat’s ass about me, in spite of my pleadings for just a LITTLE direction, just a little something to at least show me that I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing to go to law school, but He’s too busy helping Benny Hinn and Rick Warren make their millions to be bothered by the likes of little old me.

So, I’m on my own. Should I, or shouldn’t I? Take a chance, or suck it up and count my blessings?