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One of those weeks

Lincoln Adams | February 2, 2007 @ 7:45 pm

The week is finally drawing to a close, and I’m stuck here at work for a few more hours with no one to talk to, and no one to chat with on my instant messaging list. Evidently the rest of the world had already made plans for Friday night that didn’t include me.

What a week too. From problems at work to struggling with my acid reflux problem, I’ve seen better days for sure. January was largely a crappy month, and so far 2007 is shaping up to be yet another crappy ass year. I’m fighting to change that though, but some days I feel like I’m not making any headway.

It always seems to be this time of week where my depression suddenly descends over me like a dark cloud, and I feel the full weight of the world on my shoulders. I guess I can understand why though, because of my work schedule I’m usually working Friday nights by myself at the office, so while everyone has an early jump on their weekend, I’m pretty much left here all by my lonesome.

It is then that a deep melancholy settles in when I realize I won’t be getting any calls from any good friends, nor will there be any surprise drop-ins from a loved one just to keep me company. I am a forgotten man.

How did it get to this point? I blame it largely on my health, which has deteriorated over the years because I’m not man enough to deal with my stress the right way. Sure, I’ve had some hard times in the past, even awful times. But I’ve only prolonged my misery by not rolling with the punches. I just let myself be beaten down by life, and it’s a miracle that I would still have some willpower left over to get up off the mat and try again.

But this time I fear I may already be down for the count. This acid reflux issue has me thinking I’ll never be healthy again, not without risking major surgery, and it’s completely draining my resolve. Only God can pull me out of the abyss, and it remains to be seen whether I’ve exhausted all of His grace to no longer be worthy of His aid, or whether His mercy will save me yet again.

I’m tired. I want to go home and sleep, sleep until I can dream those dreams where my life had taken a completely different path than the one it’s on now. A life where where I learn how to make good friends and keep them. A life where I finally meet my soulmate and better half. A life where I can and do make a difference. Such dreams are lovely, dark and deep…

…but I have miles to go before I can sleep.

Tags: abyss,acid reflux,better days,dark cloud,depression,friday night,good friends,headway,ins,melancholy,miracle,misery,resolve,rest of the world,willpower
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log

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Table For One

Lincoln Adams | August 31, 2006 @ 1:10 am

I usually start making plans for my vacation around this time of year, and unlike those who usually have their main vacations during the summer, mine takes place in October, which is by far my absolute favorite month out of the year.

This time though, I’m breaking with tradition for a few reasons. One, I’ve grudgingly accepted the fact that I desperately need to save money to pay off my loans so I’m more financially prepared for law school. Two, taking vacations by myself seems to have run its course. In the beginning I used to really enjoy vacationing by myself, being only slightly peeved by that ever omnipresent young couple that always seemed to find me wherever I went, holding hands and playing suck face while I did my darnedest best to try to ignore them.

Now though, it’s gotten tiresome. I’m tired of going back to an empty motel room at the end of the day. I’m tired of visiting a fascinating tourist attraction while having no one to share that experience with. I’m tired of using a tripod just so I can take pictures of myself. I’m tired of walking around by myself while the rest of the world walks in pairs. I’m @#$%-ing sick and tired of it all. So the last time I came back from vacation, I resolved that I would never do it again until I met the girl of my dreams. Yeah yeah, I can hear the critics now: “You’re gonna be a lonely mother for a long, long time, Linkie.” But I can’t do it anymore. Ironically enough it’s made me more anti-social as a result, because now I’m losing the desire to even leave the apartment, much less take a vacation somewhere. It simply pains me too much to put myself out there these days. I have to get over it though, especially considering that I’m not gonna be meeting anybody any time soon if I continue to hide under the bed all the time. *sigh* :sigh: