One of the things that really kill any incentive to pull myself together and get my life back on track is that there seems to be nothing worth fighting for.  I have no desire to fight for myself, because I’m kinda of a weenie and don’t like myself very much, so there’s no motivation there.  I can’t fight for my parents either, because they’d actually be better off if I were dead.  That way they could get my pension, my car and the rest of my possessions, which is enough to afford them a nice house somewhere without having to take out a mortgage.  Really, I’m holding them back just by being alive. 

If anything, I should be fighting for God, but I can never be convinced that He loves or cares about me, even when there are occasionally signs to the contrary.  It always seems like the people who have hurt me the most in my life end up getting ridiculously rewarded for their malice, and I’ve never understood why.  It’s like I’m a lucky charm for my worst enemies.    That’s why there are times I suspect that He cares more about my enemies than He does about me.  It’s really a battle to try to change that perception too, especially when on top of that everything else I do in life amounts to a complete failure.  Whatever I say or do has little to no impact on anything.  I can’t change lives for the better, help people get saved, or contribute anything of value to society or the church.  I am hated by all and loved by none, and it’s like I don’t even bother anymore because I know I’ll just fail as usual, so what’s the point?  (And before you start berating me for having this loser attitude, just remember it took years of perpetual failures and disappointments to develop this self-defeating mentality, so nyah.)

Then there’s the girl of my dreams factor.  One of the worst sins I could think of having committed is that I prolonged meeting her only because I’ve been such a weenie all these years.  But is she really out there at the end of the rainbow, waiting for me to get my act together and go get her?  Or am I just deluding myself into thinking she is, when the cold, hard truth of the matter is that she doesn’t exist after all, and I will live and die alone?

There were times though when I thought I had met her, and it was within those times that I found all the motivation I needed to get my life in order.  I stopped hiding in my own skin and started taking care of myself.  My clothes were new and fashionable.  My place was always clean.  I became more outgoing and personable.  My performance at work improved dramatically  I just did everything better.

And then it would all come crashing down when it became obvious that she wasn’t in fact the one, sometimes in the most cruelest way imaginable.  Afterwards it was all I could do to even get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I’d sleep for 12-15 hours straight, and even then I still couldn’t get up.  When I did get up though I had a devil may care attitude about life, purposely hurting myself and not giving a damn.  And then I would go back to sleep again for another 15 hours.

Things may calm down after a while, but I never do break out of this vicious cycle completely.  Yet… what if I could be convinced that there really was somebody out there for me after all?  Not just merely hope there was someone, but know it for a fact?  If that were the case, there’s no way I’d behave like this, because now my attitude is adversely affecting someone else’s life.  It would be wrong of me then not to pull my life together so I could be there for her.  I’d feel the same way if I had children too, because there is just no way I could excuse myself with living the way I do if it’s going to hurt my kids.  They deserve the best of me, 8 days of week, and they (as well as the girl of my dreams) would definitely be worth fighting for.

As the years go by though and I get older, these dreams and hopes begin to fade away, and with it my desire to live.

I guess I’m looking for something tangible now that will give me enough resolve to fight again, and I don’t mean mere wishy washy, hopey o’ change signs, but something truly rock solid.  If the girl of my dreams is out there, I will fight for her.  If a better future awaits me, I will fight for it.  But I have to believe it.  I have to know it to be true.

Show me the way, and I will walk in it.  Help me find what’s worth fighting for.

Tags: attitude, better future, church, depression, despair, disappointment, disappointments, dream, dreams, enemies, failure, fight, fighting, girl of my dreams, God, incentive, loser, motivation, parents, purpose
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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¿ʇsod sıɥʇ xǝpuı oʇ sǝıɹʇ ʇı uǝɥʍ ʇɔɐǝɹ llıʍ ǝlƃooƃ ʍoɥ ɹǝpuoʍ ı  ˙s˙d

¿¿ʞsɐ oʇ ɥɔnɯ ƃuıddılɟ ooʇ ʇɐɥʇ sı  ˙ʎʇıɹɐlɔ ɟo ʇıq ǝlʇʇıl ɐ ǝʌɐɥ oʇ ǝɟıl ʎɯ ʇuɐʍ ʇsnɾ ı  ˙ʇǝƃ plnoɥs ı ɐɹǝɯɐɔ lɐʇıƃıp ƃuı**** ɟo puıʞ ʇɐɥʍ ʇno ǝɹnƃıɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ sɐ ǝuɐpunɯ sɐ ƃuıɥʇǝɯos uǝʌǝ ɹo ‘ɥʇɐd  ɹǝǝɹɐɔ ʍǝu ɐ ʇno ǝɹnƃıɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ ɹo ‘(ɟoǝɹǝɥʇ ʞɔɐl ɹo) ǝɟıl ǝʌol ʎɯ s,ʇı ɹǝɥʇǝɥʍ ‘ǝɯ oʇ ǝsuǝs sǝʞɐɯ ƃuıɥʇou  ˙ǝɹoɯ ʎuɐ ƃuıɥʇʎuɐ ɟo slıɐʇ ɹo spɐǝɥ ǝʞɐɯ ʇ,uɐɔ ʇsnɾ ı uǝɥʍ sǝɯıʇ ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ  ˙op ʎluıɐʇɹǝɔ ı  ¿sǝɯıʇǝɯos ʇno ǝpısuı ɹo uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ ƃuıʇʇǝƃ sı ǝɟıl ɹnoʎ ǝʞıl lǝǝɟ ɹǝʌǝ 

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Tags: code, confusion, decryption, encryption, fun, humor, life, purpose
Categories: Comic Relief, Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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After giving my first podcast a try, I noticed I couldn’t get the “Show/Hide Player” and “Popup” to work. It was already past midnight, but rather than just turn in and try again in the morning, I resolved to work on it until it was fixed.

I spent three hours on the problem and finally gave up at 3AM. Man was I cheesed. I hated it when something wasn’t working right, but the more I kept at it, the more it seemed to break. When I woke up the next morning, I sat down and resolved the issue inside of 5 minutes. Sheesh. I need to learn how to let things go until I can come back to a problem with a better frame of mind.

I had other issues to fix though, but nothing really urgent (an invalid feed here, a few poor link colors here, etc..) Still, I spent the better part of my day just doing blog related housekeeping. I hadn’t even eaten till around 4.

I think I need a life. With my plans of attending law school shot to hell, I guess with nothing better to do I’ve been turning my focus to blogging again, even though I’m still not really sure what my niche should be. Hearing the success stories of how some bloggers have managed to monetize their blogs to the point that they could quit their full time jobs has me wistfully yearning for the same. With few exceptions, there’s nothing I’d like more than to travel the states and abroad, living the life of a nomad without being tied down to a job that keeps me in one place. And wherever I went, I’d use my newfound freedom to try to help people. It was the kind of life I could only dream about.

Theoretically, such a life could be possible by being a professional blogger (or writer). But the problem with me is that I have nothing interesting to offer (which also explains why no woman wants me either). I don’t have the kind of material that could draw a large crowd, and I’m just not smart enough or creative enough to build content that could land me a sizable audience. The really sad thing is that I consider writing to be one of my better talents, and I still suck at it. Ugh.

I guess even after 30 years on this planet, I still don’t know who I am, what I like, what I should do, or what I’ve been made to do. This sense of helplessness and lack of purpose is what continues to fuel the suspicion that maybe I wasn’t meant to be born after all. But if I was, then the question remains: who am I? Am I a writer? A preacher? A musician? An actor? A lover? No…. definitely not a lover.

I guess hiding under a rock for most of my life has made me completely ignorant of what really matters to me. Maybe the more I put myself out there, the more I can come to know where my niche really lies.

Tags: audience, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, creativity, exceptions, frame of mind, freedom, full time, housekeeping, job, law school, life, monetize, niche, nomad, podcast, problogger, purpose, shot to hell, talents, travel, writing
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I think my very existence could serve as living proof that it’s possible for God to make mistakes. From my direction-less life to my uncanny ability to make bitter enemies in a nanosecond, I wonder if I’d be able to singlehandedly restore the natural order of the universe simply by walking in front of a moving train. Would it really be a sin for me to finally set things right by bringing about my own demise? Makes me wonder…

Anyhoo, the deadline for the two law schools I applied to is fast approaching. Even though I pretty much wrote off attending law school altogether, it became official for one school today when I mailed in my withdrawal notice. For the other school though, the deadline isn’t until April 13th. And admittedly, things have gotten a little interesting here. There’s been some ongoing changes at my job, part of what may appear to be the phasing out of our traditional nightly work load. If that’s the case, it’s possible my working hours will change from the evening shift to a day shift instead. And if that happens, it would render the issue of getting classes scheduled around my working hours during the day totally moot. I’d then be able to take all my classes at night without any scheduling conflicts at all.

This is all a BIG maybe though. Even if that did happen, I’d have to know for sure before the deadline, and on top of that I’d have to receive some confirmation from the LORD that this is what He wants me to do (yes I’m a Christian, and weirdly enough I would actually like to receive God’s blessing before venturing into a new and risky profession. If that freaks you out, then take some valium and sod off.)

I don’t think anything is going to pan out though, especially if I am to prescribe to my theory that my total existence thus far has been one huge cosmic mistake. But then again, there’s still a little part of me that hopes otherwise, and hope (as they say in the Shawshank Redemption) is a good thing… maybe even the best of things.

And for now, it’s all I have.

Tags: christian, confirmation, conflicts, death, demise, enemies, existence, freaks, job, law school, law schools, life, living proof, lord, meaning, mistake, moving train, nanosecond, prayer, profession, purpose, schedule, shawshank redemption, sod, suicide, valium
Categories: Legally Speaking, Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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