After giving my first podcast a try, I noticed I couldn’t get the “Show/Hide Player” and “Popup” to work. It was already past midnight, but rather than just turn in and try again in the morning, I resolved to work on it until it was fixed.

I spent three hours on the problem and finally gave up at 3AM. Man was I cheesed. I hated it when something wasn’t working right, but the more I kept at it, the more it seemed to break. When I woke up the next morning, I sat down and resolved the issue inside of 5 minutes. Sheesh. I need to learn how to let things go until I can come back to a problem with a better frame of mind.

I had other issues to fix though, but nothing really urgent (an invalid feed here, a few poor link colors here, etc..) Still, I spent the better part of my day just doing blog related housekeeping. I hadn’t even eaten till around 4.

I think I need a life. With my plans of attending law school shot to hell, I guess with nothing better to do I’ve been turning my focus to blogging again, even though I’m still not really sure what my niche should be. Hearing the success stories of how some bloggers have managed to monetize their blogs to the point that they could quit their full time jobs has me wistfully yearning for the same. With few exceptions, there’s nothing I’d like more than to travel the states and abroad, living the life of a nomad without being tied down to a job that keeps me in one place. And wherever I went, I’d use my newfound freedom to try to help people. It was the kind of life I could only dream about.

Theoretically, such a life could be possible by being a professional blogger (or writer). But the problem with me is that I have nothing interesting to offer (which also explains why no woman wants me either). I don’t have the kind of material that could draw a large crowd, and I’m just not smart enough or creative enough to build content that could land me a sizable audience. The really sad thing is that I consider writing to be one of my better talents, and I still suck at it. Ugh.

I guess even after 30 years on this planet, I still don’t know who I am, what I like, what I should do, or what I’ve been made to do. This sense of helplessness and lack of purpose is what continues to fuel the suspicion that maybe I wasn’t meant to be born after all. But if I was, then the question remains: who am I? Am I a writer? A preacher? A musician? An actor? A lover? No…. definitely not a lover.

I guess hiding under a rock for most of my life has made me completely ignorant of what really matters to me. Maybe the more I put myself out there, the more I can come to know where my niche really lies.

I think my very existence could serve as living proof that it’s possible for God to make mistakes. From my direction-less life to my uncanny ability to make bitter enemies in a nanosecond, I wonder if I’d be able to singlehandedly restore the natural order of the universe simply by walking in front of a moving train. Would it really be a sin for me to finally set things right by bringing about my own demise? Makes me wonder…

Anyhoo, the deadline for the two law schools I applied to is fast approaching. Even though I pretty much wrote off attending law school altogether, it became official for one school today when I mailed in my withdrawal notice. For the other school though, the deadline isn’t until April 13th. And admittedly, things have gotten a little interesting here. There’s been some ongoing changes at my job, part of what may appear to be the phasing out of our traditional nightly work load. If that’s the case, it’s possible my working hours will change from the evening shift to a day shift instead. And if that happens, it would render the issue of getting classes scheduled around my working hours during the day totally moot. I’d then be able to take all my classes at night without any scheduling conflicts at all.

This is all a BIG maybe though. Even if that did happen, I’d have to know for sure before the deadline, and on top of that I’d have to receive some confirmation from the LORD that this is what He wants me to do (yes I’m a Christian, and weirdly enough I would actually like to receive God’s blessing before venturing into a new and risky profession. If that freaks you out, then take some valium and sod off.)

I don’t think anything is going to pan out though, especially if I am to prescribe to my theory that my total existence thus far has been one huge cosmic mistake. But then again, there’s still a little part of me that hopes otherwise, and hope (as they say in the Shawshank Redemption) is a good thing… maybe even the best of things.

And for now, it’s all I have.