So I’m minding my own business when I get an IM on AOL from someone named FreeAssFreda:

[15:39] freeassfreda: hi! I saw your profile and ur a cutie!

[15:39] linc4justice: Hi, where do I know you from?

[15:39] freeassfreda: I’m actually working right now what are you doing exactly??

[15:39] linc4justice: working too

[15:39] freeassfreda: aww poor baby i wish you weren’t at work.. maybe sometime i can take ur lunch break and we can have some fun for 30 min.. lol

[15:40] linc4justice: possibly, lol

[15:40] linc4justice: which profile did you find of me? I have a few of them

[15:40] freeassfreda: nice, nothin I work from home just starting doing these cam shows It’s pretty fun actually lol

[15:40] freeassfreda: I am a little busy right now cant really talk here but I would LOVE if you came to watch and give me some company, and maybe a GOOD rating ??

[15:42] linc4justice: sure!

[15:43] freeassfreda: well I think i have my free friend’s pass lyin here one sec babe.. I mean would you want it??

[15:44] linc4justice: sure!

[15:44] freeassfreda: yup, I do got another pass left!..YAY.. just please don’t tell anyone else I can get in trouble. What color panties should I put on for you sexy, i’ll let you pick! LOL

[15:45] linc4justice: Ummm, pink?

[15:45] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:45] linc4justice: Mine too, but only on girls

[15:46] linc4justice: doesnt look as great on me

[15:46] freeassfreda: Ok, go to [link removed] scroll all the way down to the bottom babe, and you will see “friends of Megan”, click that and when you get the password page, put in the password: “daddy” okay?

[15:46] freeassfreda: yup, fill out your info, make sure you put your correct b-day k?

[15:46] linc4justice: No problem!

[15:46] freeassfreda: CC is just to verify your age hun,its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site .. i gave u my free friend’s pass

[15:47] linc4justice: great, thank you!

[15:47] freeassfreda: ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.

[15:49] linc4justice: I definitely will! And you’ll wear pink panties too?

[15:49] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:51] linc4justice: I’m glad, but you’re definitely gonna wear the pink right?

[15:51] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:52] linc4justice: I know, but you’re definitely going to wear pink right? I really have a thing for girls in pink, I don’t know why, just do.

[15:53] freeassfreda: k, you in yet babe?? Don’t keep me waiting!

[15:53] linc4justice: I won’t! Just filling out the form now.

At that point I thought “FAIL” and blocked her. I still don’t know if I was talking to a bot, some ugly dude from Pakistan, or a cam-whore just looking for business. I could be wrong, but I had the sinking feeling whoever it was wasn’t going to wear pink for me either. Ah well, it did make for an interesting chat on a boring afternoon though.

Tags: boring, chat, funny, girls, IM, profile, whore
Categories: Comic Relief
 
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Just got this email:

hello sweety ,
compliment of the day to you. my name is miss Sofia i am 23yrs old, i went through a profile that speaks good of you, i took interest on it . if you dont mind i will like to know you much better. i came on line to search for a true love, for my missing bone, for my loss Angal. if you are that my bone i have being searching i will be hapy to see you writing back to me at my private e mail encluded. GODbless you as your replying to me , take care. best regard miss Sofia

She had me at bone. 

Tags: dating, email, funny, profile, spam
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I can’t get no, satisfaction,

I CAN’T GET NO!!

***************************

While I was surfing online and bopping to a Rolling Stones tune, an icon popped up on my screen notifying me that Girl-Who-Blew-Me-Off had just signed on (actually, that describes every girl I’ve ever wanted to get involved with since Reagan was President, so let’s call her Lying-Introvert instead.) I debated whether to just ignore her, or send her an IM in the hopes that maybe I could get some answers as to why she blew me off. I can’t stand having questions that forever go unanswered, so of course I caved:

Me: Hey, I can see you!

Surprisingly, she answered right away.

Her: yeah it’s a rarity cuz too many people im me at once when i am visible

Hmm, an introvert is so popular she has to stay invisible or she’ll get bombarded with IMs? Well, whatever. I decide to hit her point blank.

Me: Hey, can I ask you something?

Her: sure

Me: You didn’t like my pictures did you. Be honest now

Her: well the pics were pretty much what i expected, not diff from your profile photo…..but what u have to understand is, i have been talking to a few diff people from that site…..

Translation: She thought I was ugly, didn’t want to cap to it, and I was already a foregone conclusion in her mind since she was checking out other prospects, and she was probably wondering why the hell I wouldn’t just take the hint and go away.

Her: also my “social life” has been quite busy lately, i had an interesting weekend to say the least and i’ve been caught up with those things that have been happeneing

Translation: She’d been a-whoring around town going out on other dates, and is now head over heels in love with a tatooed up biker named Butch.

After that, she pretty much disappeared on me again. Don’t ask me how I’m doing, don’t ask me how my day was. Nothing. Boy all that Christian love really comes gushing out when you meet a fellow brother in Christ, huh, sis?

F*%$ing Bitch.

And you know what, that’s not even what frosted my cookies so much. It was the fact that despite us having so many things in common, it all meant absolutely nothing to her. We were both Italian, we both loved 80s music, we both particularly loved Italian food, we were both Christians who had bad experiences in church and currently weren’t attending one, heck even our mothers had once been Catholic but became Protestant shortly after we were both born. The similarities kept going on and on from there.

But the big thing was her mentioning how she much of an introvert she was, and she felt nobody understood her because of it and how she felt so out of place in the world. It really touched me because that’s how I felt too and I thought for the first time in a long time, I might have finally found a kindred spirit here.

And then I learn this “introvert” has a social life that’s only slightly less busier than say, Scarlet Johannson’s. For someone who claims to be an introvert, she sure seemed pretty damned extroverted to me. Except in my case of course. Maybe that’s what she meant.

But, whatever. I deleted her off my IM list, putting this experience down as a hard lesson that I think has finally been learned. Most women don’t care about romance or friendship or companionship. They care about three things only: your looks, your wallet, and your personal sperm bank.

*Sigh* Back to the Rolling Stones…

I CAN’T GET NO!!

Tags: chat, dating, deception, extrovert, IM, introvert, kindred spirit, lying, profile, rant, rolling stones, social life, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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You know, it never fails that as soon as I join a dating site, I start getting deluged with “winks” and “nudges” from women (at least I think they’re women) who look like they could be the very reason why we have a worldwide food shortage.

Usually I respond in a polite manner, but now that the the evilness of women have pretty much stamped out whatever remaining charity I used to have, I kinda lost patience for this crap now.

The latest one to send me a wink hails from Michigan, employed under the prestigious title of a cashier, and who writes, “I define myself ultimately as a fun-loving girl who has a big heart.”

Yep, not to mention a Godzilla sized body to go with it.

I was in a good mood though, so I decided to write her a simple, polite note declining interest:

Dear Ugly All Day,

I’m sorry, you must have confused me for a blind man. I took a look at your photo but all I could see was a beached whale. Oh, that was you? Well then, here’s a little advice: if elevators can only go down when you step into one, that might be an indicator that you really shouldn’t upload pictures of yourself that will either induce violent seizures or cause permanent blindness. There are just some things in life we should never look directly at: one being the sun, and two being any photo that has you in it.

I’m thrilled to see though that at the tender age of 24, you’ve managed to work your way up from being a cashier to being… uh… a cashier. No doubt you intend to use the skills you’ve learned from working the cash machine to someday count your future husband’s money. Sadly though, I will not be that guy. For one thing, I would prefer that the experience of embracing the girl of my dreams not be equivalent to trying to hug a wrecking ball, but that’s just me.

So good luck to you, and who knows, maybe someday you’ll find a guy who doesn’t mind being with someone who’s able to set off tornadoes in the Midwest just by sneezing.

Much Love,

Lincoln

I had the cursor on the “Send” button, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Still too much of a nice guy I guess, but don’t worry, as women continue to piss me right the hell off with their cold hearted antics, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I become evil incarnate.

Tags: dating, email, obese, online dating sites, profile, ugly, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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It’s over, I’ve lost.

After 23 years of rejection, heartaches, unrequited love, enduring the rude, cold treatment of every women I’ve ever been interested in or in love with, I’m tossing in the towel.

My latest failure took away whatever remaining hope I had. Even though we seemed to have so many specific, rare things in common, I only managed to hold her interest for maybe 5 minutes before she decided I just wasn’t worth her attention anymore, and blew me off without warning.

I guess that’s it then. I’ll never experience what it’s like to hold hands with a girl, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to tell her how much I love her and care for her, and have her tell me the same. I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, and I’m sure all my enemies will gain immense satisfaction in knowing I will never be happy.

Ah well, I won’t get mad about this. I’ll just get even.

After all, if ya gotta go, go with a smile!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: batman, dating, dating sites, depression, despair, joker, loneliness, love, profile, rejection, women suck
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So I’m on this dating site right, and I find this girl I have a high percentage match with. I notice she’s online and she just “faved” my profile (meaning she saved it as a favorite). Since you can chat real-time with anyone on the site, I sent her a chat request thanking her for faving me, and that it was good to be loved. She accepted the chat and wrote back, “You’re welcome, and yes it is good to be loved!”

Yay! Finally a nibble!

“So, how was your day–”

She closed her chat window.

What… OK, maybe she made a mistake, so I send her another chat request. No response. I try to send her email but I’m blocked from doing so.

The hell?

You know what, I’m getting mighty motherf*&^ing tired of these motherf*&^ing rude unhinged bitches and their motherf*&^ing bullsh*% mind games.

Great, see what these evil women made me do? Now I have to go repent.

There are like 2 million people on this site and maybe 10 of them match me at higher than 80 percent. You’d think they might appreciate someone who obviously shares the same interests and beliefs they do, especially when such traits are uncommon to begin with, but nope. Obviously camaraderie doesn’t mean bat guano to them. Emails either get ignored altogether, or they’re initially friendly, and then it’s like their inner evil bitchiness comes out and they feel they just HAVE to play these stupid games with me.

That’s not even the half of it either, then you got them laying down what amounts to a World War II minefield of absolutely bat-sh*& crazy criteria that you must, absolutely MUST pass before you even have a prayer of a chance to be a blip on their radar.

Like say, the way you write your subject line in an email. One girl was going off on how she won’t even respond to anyone who writes “Hey” in the subject line, finding it to be too informal and annoying.

You could be a billionaire model who poses for GQ magazine, but if you write “Hey!” then it’s out with you, big boy.

I’m telling you, I can almost hear Rod Serling in the background while I tear out my hair in a fit of near insanity as I try to navigate these fricking minefields, petrified that one stray word or move will end up blowing yet another chance for me to be with someone.

Is it really supposed to be THIS hard?

To cap it off, the “Christian” penpal I was chatting with the other day goes dead ass cold on me. No response to email, chat requests, nothing, even though she’s on the site like a hundred times a day.

You know, I used to think I was being rather picky, with a high set of standards that I felt at times were maybe a bit unreasonable, believing when it came to accepting people’s flaws and blemishes, women certainly held the higher ground here than I did.

Good Lord what kind of crack was I smoking?

I am Disneyland compared to the Fort Knox these women have made themselves out to be, (the difference between them and the real Fort Knox being that the real fort actually has something valuable in it, whereas these women offer nothing of value whatsoever may they all rot in hell evil spawns of satanic demon dogs that they be.)

I’m not bitter though. No really. I have learned to accept my singlehood with a quiet sense of dignity and grace, understanding now that my loneliness will only be truly cured when I finally learn to take advantage of one of the greatest blessings and inventions science could ever bestow upon man: whiskey.

Tags: chat, dating, evil, mind games, profile, rude, standards, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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