I didn’t write anything about 9/11, because after 6 years, I’m starting to get a little tired of the morbidity of it all.

“Let us remember, blah blah blah, those who tragically died, blah blah blah, and join our hands in prayer, blah blah bladdy blah blah….”

Screw this crap.

You know what I want? I want that goat banging turdface’s head on a @#$% stick. I want my skyline whole again, and none of this nonsense about gay looking freedom towers that will never match the magnificence of the twin towers. I want a Who’s-Your-Daddy missile silo installed at the base of the towers and programmed to fire up the ass of anything that even remotely looks at the WTC buildings a little funny.

I want the government to stop being so bloody damned politically correct and checking up the skirts of 80 year old grandmothers at airports because they’re afraid of offending the Muslim community.

But most of all, I want people to stay mad. REALLY mad. A piece of our national heritage was taken away from us on that day, and I want all of us to have the fire of someone who had just lost something very precious, and is prepared to unleash hell on earth until he gets it back again.

That’s what I want.

I was kinda in a really bad mood.

I do have moments like that (more than I’d care to admit), but after I calm down, a kind of melancholy then sets in. I really don’t want to be this angry with Him, but it’s hard trying to make some sense out of the events of the last few years, and since I’m the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, every bad thing that happens in life tends to cut me deeply.

There are times though when I suspect that I’m personally the butt of some sick, heavenly joke. I’d pray I meet someone at work for example who could be “the one” for me, and when I do meet that person, she ends up rejecting me and marrying another co-worker. If the answer to a prayer has to be no, fine, but why rub it in my face? Why humiliate me like that?

And that’s what life seems to be like these days: a series of prayers that not only go unanswered or rejected, but also seem to require some form of divine punishment for even daring to make them. Why?

It’s a simple question, but one that I don’t think will ever be answered.

Maybe.

18 months of soul searching, seeking, knocking, begging for clear direction, begging for signs, begging for ANYTHING that might give me an indication that I wasn’t making the mistake of my life by signing up for law school, and now here I am… one day before the deadline, STILL without an answer.

I spoke to my supervisor about my intentions and how keeping night pay would be a necessity for me even if I switched to a day shift. One of my co-workers was still getting it even though he now works days, so I knew it wasn’t impossible, and if they rejected it in my case while he continues to collect night pay, it would clearly show favoritism, and they know I’d raise hell about it. After my boss spoke to his boss, he came back to me and said I would need to come up with a plan and a new schedule that would still keep everyone happy, and if I could I do that, maybe I’ll be able to keep my night pay as well.

I looked at him like he had gone mad and thought, “Isn’t that supposed to be YOUR job??” I couldn’t believe his response to my request had been to simply pass the buck to me.

So I went to my union rep, who told me she would call another union rep, who as luck would have it, was out with a broken ankle and wouldn’t be back for some time. After I kept emailing her, she sent me a testy response basically indicating that I was on my own.

I didn’t know what to do. Why couldn’t I get any straight answers from anyone? Why couldn’t I just have been told, “No, you can’t do it!” and then I could finally move on with my life? Why did I even have to be accepted to law school in the first place, and thus avoid all this grief?

I was now saddled with the burden of coming up with a new work schedule to accommodate 5 people, while also having to ensure that their work schedules would stay intact with as little change as possible. I also had to deal with one erratic co-worker who I knew could not be trusted to adhere to any schedule I propose, even if she might initially agree to it.

What a mess. With a broken and heavy heart, I called my coworkers together and explained the situation. We talked about it for a while without really resolving anything, and then I went to work on diagramming our complete work schedule to see how I could possibly fill in the gaps.

Some how, some way, I saw a possible solution that involved my coworker Mickey coming in a little later than usual on Mondays and Fridays to cover, which he agreed to. I put together the new proposed schedule with a letter, and left it on the desk for my boss to go over tomorrow, which of course is also the same day as the deadline to make my deposit.

And I know what will happen too. Nothing will get resolved, the issue of whether I’ll be able to keep night pay will still be in limbo, and if I make a deposit after the deadline expires, I’ll only be able to secure a seat if someone else withdraws and my name comes up next on the waiting list. I could easily be waiting all summer long before I’ll know anything for certain.

I’m beginning to understand now why so many Christians simply can’t wait around for an answer regarding these kinds of life changing decisions. Who could do this really? Who could be willing to wait and wait and wait while life passes you by and all of heaven seems to be as brass? Some people just do whatever the heck they want and assume whatever path they choose is automatically God’s will, yet without consulting with Him, or seeking His direction, or waiting to give Him a chance to guide them. And sometimes they’ll get blessed anyway, in which case they become even more obnoxious and convinced that because they prospered, they have been operating within God’s will all along. It’s a form of pragmatism that never did sit right with me.

I always thought it noble that I defer to God’s own desire for my life, and allow Him to guide me where He wanted me to go, instead of just simply doing my own thing. But I NEVER expected that this would have been the price I’d have to pay for clinging on to that belief, losing so much time and experiencing so much agony just in waiting for an answer that may in fact, never come. It angers and depresses me that this how I am rewarded for having what I thought were the noblest of intentions. I wasn’t arrogant in pursuing my own path. I wanted the Lord to lead me, to choose a career for me, since I felt He of all people of course would know where I’d be able to make the most difference, where I could do something worthwhile and meaningful. Instead, I’ve been left to drift endlessly, mourning wasted years and feeling abandoned by a Father who had promised He would never abandon me.

What kind of testimony can I possibly give now to the world? My very life up to this point indicates that it is unprofitable to wait on the Lord for much needed answers. We can but only direct our own life without His input or His guidance. We are in a way orphans, left to fend for ourselves, tossed to and fro by the storms of life, without hope of ever seeing calmer waters.

And yet, in spite of it all though, somewhere deep down inside of me, my soul is still clinging on to hope… praying that the stormy chaos of today will give way to a peaceful, joyful calm in the morning.

So let us see what the morning will bring.

Alright, this has gone on long enough.

My decision on whether to attend law school or not has taken me on a road almost as long as law school itself. It all began in October of 2005, and it may finally, FINALLY come to an end on Friday the 13th, which is the deadline for the deposit I would need to make to secure my place in the part time evening class of the law school I applied to near my job. Interesting enough, this would mark the 18th month of this pre-law school to the DAY. Hmmmmm….

I’ve been asking for signs, for answers, for guidance, for ANYTHING to indicate whether this was the way to go. I got in return: nothing. But nothing might eventually become something this week. Because I couldn’t get the school to accommodate my night time working hours, I was ready to write off the legal profession once and for all and finally move on with my life. But then something happened at my job. Our night work got eliminated, leaving the possibility that I might actually get transferred to a day shift after all. There’s no telling whether this might happen or not, especially given the idiots that run the place here, but it’s certainly possible. I looked into the possibility of switching my acceptance to the school from part time days to part time evenings, and much to my surprise they were happy to accommodate me in this respect.

The issue now though is my night pay. I earn roughly $400 more a month just for working in the evenings. If it came to me having to voluntarily switch to a day tour (instead of being forced to switch) so I could attend school at night, then I wanted to do so without losing that money. One of my other co-workers at least was still getting night pay even though his hours had been switched, so I knew it was possible. I’ll have a meeting with my union rep this Tuesday to discuss the issue. My union rep also knew of a scholarship I might be qualified for, so we’ll be discussing that as well.

It also hadn’t escaped my notice that for the first time in the almost 7 years I’ve worked here, a new change would be instituted that could eliminate more than 50 percent of our workload. That this was scheduled to happen the same month that I would start law school was very peculiar. It meant the amount of work would soon be light enough that I could spend ample time studying on the job. It was yet another concern that had been squared away.

Finally, Uptown Girl is a lawyer herself. It raised new possibilities for a future relationship that could happen between us, but in what way I didn’t really know. Still, it was another peculiar coincidence. But whether all these strings of coincidences point to something or not remains to be seen. I guess what will seal it for me is being able to secure my night pay even if I start working a day shift. If that happens, it will be a minor miracle that would allow all the pieces to finally fallen into place, and the law school dream formerly left for dead comes alive once again.

If I know my luck though, nothing might actually be decided this week. If I don’t get a definitive answer from my union rep about the night pay until after the deadline, I would still be able to make a deposit, but I would not be guaranteed a seat unless someone else withdraws their enrollment. In this case I would just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Of course, if I can get night pay AND be able to secure myself a seat in school even after the deadline had already passed, than I bloody well owe it to myself to give this thing a real shot.

If God is merciful though, than this week will finally be the one to provide me some solid answers.

I think my very existence could serve as living proof that it’s possible for God to make mistakes. From my direction-less life to my uncanny ability to make bitter enemies in a nanosecond, I wonder if I’d be able to singlehandedly restore the natural order of the universe simply by walking in front of a moving train. Would it really be a sin for me to finally set things right by bringing about my own demise? Makes me wonder…

Anyhoo, the deadline for the two law schools I applied to is fast approaching. Even though I pretty much wrote off attending law school altogether, it became official for one school today when I mailed in my withdrawal notice. For the other school though, the deadline isn’t until April 13th. And admittedly, things have gotten a little interesting here. There’s been some ongoing changes at my job, part of what may appear to be the phasing out of our traditional nightly work load. If that’s the case, it’s possible my working hours will change from the evening shift to a day shift instead. And if that happens, it would render the issue of getting classes scheduled around my working hours during the day totally moot. I’d then be able to take all my classes at night without any scheduling conflicts at all.

This is all a BIG maybe though. Even if that did happen, I’d have to know for sure before the deadline, and on top of that I’d have to receive some confirmation from the LORD that this is what He wants me to do (yes I’m a Christian, and weirdly enough I would actually like to receive God’s blessing before venturing into a new and risky profession. If that freaks you out, then take some valium and sod off.)

I don’t think anything is going to pan out though, especially if I am to prescribe to my theory that my total existence thus far has been one huge cosmic mistake. But then again, there’s still a little part of me that hopes otherwise, and hope (as they say in the Shawshank Redemption) is a good thing… maybe even the best of things.

And for now, it’s all I have.