One of the reasons my blogging has been so sporadic is that I am attempting to come across as a mellow, mild mannered, polite good old boy.

In other words, the exact opposite of who I really am.

To be sure though, there are many facets to my personality. I can indeed be mellow, lighthearted and fun loving. But there’s a darker side to my personality, one I try to bury (with little success) both in real life and on the Net. It’s the kind of personality that has gotten me banned from various different forums and censured in others, and even almost arrested a few times. Some people write me off as a hateful ne’er do well, while others (perhaps out of morbid curiousity) stick around just to see what I’ll say next.

I’ve always despised this part of my personality, wishing instead that I could always give off all the warmth of a cuddly teddy bear named Bobo, instead of the (thankfully occasional) demeanor of a hammerhead shark that hasn’t eaten for weeks.

The fact is, I’m an angry white man with a lot of issues that I need to work out, and I’ve been debating over whether I should use my blog as an outlet for some of these issues I’ve been trying to deal with. My temper has been known to spill out at inappropriate times, and though I’m almost never violent, I have been very violent with words. Words are my stock in trade, and mine can often cut to the heart if I’m not careful.

But honestly, I’m getting tired of walking on eggshells. I know people get turned off by those who aren’t happy 7 days out of the week, or who must always have a pleasant demeanor lest they should flee away and never befriend them again. But since I have no readers or friends, I really have nothing to lose here by letting loose. Perhaps clearing the air will prove to be a theraupetic exercise for me. Then again, perhaps not. But at least in this sense I’m being more true to who I am as a person, rather than just putting up a more benign facade just so I won’t scare people off.

The truth is, I’ve become very bitter. Like a wounded animal that snaps at anyone who gets too close, even those who just want to help, I find myself trying to deal with painful and open wounds that deeply affect my psyche, wounds that refuse to be healed even years after they’ve first been inflicted on me. It’s made me bitter and angry, at a loss for answers, and wondering how I managed to sink so low. In my journey to find truth and justice in this world, I hope part of that journey will see me escaping this mire of bitterness I’ve created for myself. Only time will tell though whether that will be the case.

I earlier professed my love for Michelle Malkin, but I think I can make some room for Ann Coulter too, especially after reading a recent article about her where she talks about her faith and religion in general. This is a woman who might arguably be the most hated and most villified commentator in contemporary politics today. I’ve never seen anyone who could provoke the most violent of reactions with merely a spoken or written word as she’s been able to do, time and time again.

I think Miss Coulter is of the breed who say out loud what many people only think, but who’d never dare make their true feelings known mainly because they’re spineless weenies who just want everybody to like them. They’re the sort that would cry into their pillows at night if their social network suffered somewhat because they managed to express a point of view that not everyone might agree with.

But not my Annie. If there was anyone in public life whose personality most closely mirrored my own, it’d be her. A lot of people think she is just a self promoting bomb thrower who doesn’t believe half of what she writes (or says), but if she’s anything like me, then I think her drive and belief system is based mostly on the personality of a woman who has an unusually low tolerance for stupidity and bull@#$%. I might also add that if her talent for hurling outrageous invective (which for many has the analogous effect of fingernails on a chalkboard) has also proven to be a profitable one, then I say, good for her.

But it’s not so much her feisty manner and fiery tongue that I find so endearing. Rather, it’s her ability to withstand the brutally and completely unhinged venom she evokes from her critics. From magazines calling for Coulter to go kill herself, to late night talk show hosts suggesting that she get fixed up with O.J., the attacks against her are relentless, obscene, and downright hypocritical, especially when one of their many gripes with Ann Coulter is that she’s mean spirited (all the while referring to her in coarse 4 letter terms that shall not be repeated here). As thick as one’s skin can be, and despite the belief that she revels in such vitriol, I’m sure being human some of it must get to her.

I wonder if there were times when she tried to be more discreet, or perhaps even exerted a herculean effort to be… well… nice, only to eventually fail and go right back to bashing the wacko liberals for all they’re worth. God knows I’ve tried, and while I think I’ve been more successful at times than Miss Coulter has been, it takes merely some wayward comment from some smarmy liberal to get a rise out of me again, causing me in true Gladiator form to unleash hell in all its fury. Truth be told though, I really don’t want to be this way, and as much as I admire her, I don’t think Miss Coulter should be this way either. Personally, I’d rather just be an amiable guy who can put everyone at ease and be generally liked by all (even if that means having to keep my opinions to myself and basically being a spineless wuss). But it’s just not my style, and I don’t know if it ever will be.

What depresses me is that few people would seem to understand this mentality. As I continue to walk the earth looking for that one true soulmate, I wonder if she’ll be able to understand my personality and why I’m continually enraged by so much of what I see happening in the world today. I know Ann Coulter would understand me. Indeed, she’s one of the very few people out there who I think could. But does that mean my ideal match would be an Ann Coulter clone? God no. I think me being paired up with an Ann Coulter would be more than what the world can take anyway.

Ironically enough, I think the only true remedy in my case is a beauty capable of soothing the savage beast within me. Truth be told, I need a gentle soul who can see past the raging animal persona I present to the world and see me for who I am: a wounded creature that just needs someone to love him.

But since that will never happen, my Ann Coulter psyche will continue to live on. Bring on the moonbats so I may feed upon their rancid carcasses!