I hate dating experts.  You can’t find a more execrable lot who dispenses either the kind of common sense advice that even a monkey with half a brain wasted on whiskey would know, or a truckload of compost heap designed to liberate you of your wallet money before you realize you’ve been had, and no, Pickup Step #12 wasn’t the sure winner they said it would be after all.  Dating experts are like lawyers, they over complicate what should be simple matters, because if they didn’t, there’d be no business for them.  This is why they should all be rounded up and sent to some death camp somewhere (Florida, maybe?)

Still, I was bored today and ended up reading this series of interviews with 3 popular male dating experts.

And now I feel like blowing sh__ up.

You get advice like don’t be altruistic because women won’t find it sincere, or if I end up getting stuck in the friend zone I should get a new haircut and maybe change my cologne, or my personal favorite, I should try withholding my name intentionally when introducing myself to a girl, that way if she asks me what it is, I’ll know she’s interested, and if she doesn’t, then that means I should move on.

Because you know, there’s just no way to tell if a girl is into you right off the bat without being a rude little bastard.

BUT, it’s agreed that I can still be myself… only the best part of myself that is.  The bad parts I should be  burying in secrecy until we tie the knot, at which point I can then safely make known the depths and widths of my obscenely ugly personality.

Yes I can see myself getting far with these little gems of wisdom.

Oh, and the niceness thing?  We gotta knock that crap off:

Because nice guys are weak guys. They wear their heart on their sleeve and they don’t make the girl work for it. …What happens is that the guy says, “I had a good time, did you? Can I see you again? You’re really a nice girl! You’re sure good looking.” This girl is 28, she’s good looking, and ever since she was 12, guys have been telling her she’s beautiful. So, what effect does that compliment have? It’s a negative.

You know, there’s a difference between being nice and being a weenie, but unfortunately the two often get lumped together as being the same.  If a girl is really into me, of course I’d want to treat her like a queen because she’s genuinely interested in me,  not because she’s a blowtorch of a man hater with plans to dominate me and crush my precious balls so she can win another one for the home team.  She cares about who I am.  That in itself is a trait so rare that it behooves me not to respond in a showering of wubsy wubs and affection.

And really, complimenting her is not a negative, dumbass.  You know why it was a negative before?  Because all those guys telling her how beautiful she was said it because they wanted to get into her pantie wanties.  If a decent guy says it and actually MEANS it though, she should pick up on that and realize she’s finally got something genuine here, and she’ll appreciate his kindness because they come straight from the heart.

Because seriously dude, if she can’t handle being treated like gold by a nice guy (who’s not a weenie), isn’t that an indication that there’s something wrong with HER?  So why does all of mankind have to adapt themselves to accommodate this particularly large segment of fruity nuts bitchdom?  I know why, because you are all a bunch of disgusting horndogs who will do and say anything to get laid.  MEN.  They are the most damned stupidest piggish pig-like pig-borking piggyback pigger pigs to have ever graced creation, honest to God.  When they’re not busy scratching and rubbing their 9 months pregnant sized hairy ass bellies, they’re busy letting one fly while they expound on the intricacies of the latest scores in sports or how they’d like to hit every walking thing within 100 yards that passes for a female, and yet they profoundly believe this is what passes for intelligent discussion.

Ok, that got away from me a little.    Back to the women bashing here.  I noticed they wrap things up by conceding what we’ve known all along, that women are in fact attracted to money and power, only here they try to soften the blow by saying women are attracted to guys with wealth and status, which translates into, uh, money and power.

Sigh.  Remember back when life was simpler and marriages were arranged and we could all marry our cousins and sisters without anyone blinking an eye?  I miss those days.

I recently watched the entire miniseries of John Adams last weekend. Tres Awesomeness, dude. John Adams is unequivocally my hero, primarily because there is just so much about him that I can relate to.

For one, he had a big mouth. Seriously, he couldn’t shut up for nothing, and it got him in all sorts of hot water. He always spoke what other people could only merely think, and for that he was much maligned by his peers. He wasn’t one for small talk and idle chatter either, his words always cutting right to the point, and if you didn’t like what he had to say, well that was just too damned bad.

He was also a plain and morally upright person. He didn’t care for riches or showy displays of affluence, preferring to dig into manure to help grow his crops than count money. During his diplomatic mission to Paris, he was offput by the decadent lifestyle of the French, who loved to party and engage in all sorts of lewd behavior. His rejection of their immorality and his headstrong pursuit to secure French naval support put him at odds with Benjamin Franklin (who was perfectly fine with having several mistresses) as well as the entire French court. Eventually he was unceremoniously dumped and forced to travel to Holland, where he remained until the American war ended.

But perhaps what I found most appealing about Adams was his wife, Abigail. It was she who kept his foibles in check and gave him sound advice when he sorely needed it. She was truly, as he once fondly referred to her, his “ballast.”

As for myself, When I look at my own life, especially absent of my own Abigail, I can feel myself teetering on the brink. Those who think my blog is over the top sometimes, you really have no idea. It’s all I can do sometimes to keep myself from going absolutely ape nutty and raging against all of mankind, to such an extent that I wouldn’t merely put people off: I’d make them deranged with fury and determined to see me shipped to the South Pole, preferably without my clothes. In a way, I’m just a fuse looking for a match.

It feels like I’ve been dropped in a world that is not my own. I can relate to no one, and none can relate to me, especially when it comes to women. When I’m confident, women see arrogance. When I’m nice, women see weakness. When I’m raging against the machine of life, women don’t see a wild animal that can be tamed, but rather a lost cause that needs to be committed.

The disconnect could not be any more severe, the rift any more wider. As each passing year goes by where I find myself without my ballast, I can feel myself unraveling, getting more and more bitter and filled with despair. I’m beginning to truly believe now that I have been born into a world to which there really is no better half who is able to tame this wild animal, and foment the love that I have longed for all my life.

If that is how it must be, then be prepared: you will see a side of me that will make Dante’s inferno look like Disneyland in comparison. The world will soon see what it’s like to have a John Adams, minus his Abigail.

I’ve been checking out OKCupid lately, and I have to admit there’s something to be said for their personality quizzes, which are fun to take. I don’t care for some of the raunchiness (the Slut Test?), but the results I got from taking their dating persona test intrigued me, considering the fact that it pegged me better than eHarmony’s craptastic crapola questionaire ever did. I was classified as a Slow Dancer, which is described as follows:

The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy…you are The Slow Dancer

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you’re a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you’re not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

Now who can argue with that? My worst match is known as The Battleaxe, who I am to avoid at all costs. LOL, you’ll get no argument from me there…

I can tell they’re trying to soften the blow though, like saying I have “average experience” with love (translation: you’re a weenie virgin nobody wants to touch, haha!) or where it says the women left over after the playboys are done looting the dating pool will be hot and mine. Hot? After what, 10 beers? Leftovers aren’t hot dude, they get reheated.

Anyway, I also took their IQ test, which is a combination of quizzes that attempt to gauge your math, verbal, spatial and social intelligence.

Surprise, surprise, I completely bombed the social score, which indicates that I have difficulty forming and maintaining lasting interpersonal relationships. Dude, it’s not my fault if the whole world sucks is it? Really, why would I want to develop any kind of relationship with the human race when just about everyone around me is either an idiot or bugnuts insane, or both?

*Ahem* Anyway, so my social score tanked, my verbal scores were about average, but what really surprised me was my spatial score, which was through the roof. Anything above 145 was considered genius level, and I scored a 150.

From the results page:

High spatial scorers understand physical space, recognize color, and interpret visual images quickly and accurately. It should go without saying that these people are the most artistic of our four measurement groups. They’re also the most confident and self-sufficient. Also, according to the picture-rating data we’ve accumulated on OkCupid, high spatial scorers tend to be significantly more attractive than average.

Now who can argue with that? Everyday I look in a mirror I am just overwhelmed by how damned good looking I am. Such a thrill my body!

Seriously though, what they supposedly found was not so much that those who were high scores on the Spatial were better looking, but that they were much better dressed. That actually makes sense in a way. One thing I’ve been complimented on in the past was my taste for clothes, which is another reason why I hate warm temperatures so much. Blistering hot weather keeps me from expressing my fabric art to the fullest, leather jacket and all.

Additionally, high spatial scorers have the highest life satisfaction when they’ve found an appropriate outlet for their creativity, but were also the lowest scorers ever when they’re deprived of such an outlet.

I have to admit that’s been the case for me as well. While writing is one of my outlets, there’s so much more I want to do to express myself, including in a musical and artful sense. I just don’t have the equipment, time or privacy to express them successfully. I may someday soon, just not today, and it’s a large reason why I get so depressed sometimes.

So that’s me in a nutshell, according to OKCupid: A Spacey Slow Dancer. Interested?

I am a square peg trying to fit into the circle that is life.

At least that’s been my feeling lately. I’ve always had an eclectic personality that precluded me from being able to fit in anywhere, whether it was a church, a social club, or any kind of informal group that shared a common interest. While it made me unique, I do think there is such a thing as being TOO unique, ya know?

Not that I minded being a loner too much, but I hated the fact that my life (with all its eccentricities) all but guaranteed that I’d never find anyone who could really understand who I was as a person. Sure, they might be able relate to one aspect, but then find another aspect of me so totally foreign to them that it scares them off. And trust me, I can be a very scary person, indeed.

There have been times when I tried to simply fake my way into a community’s good graces, but it never seems to last long. Whether it’s trying to cheer for a sports team just so I could relate to their fans (Let’s go Mets!! LET’S GOOO METS!!! LET’S GOOOOO… ah they suck), or whether it’s trying to relate to the Deaf community (where I’d be shunned simply because I’m not deaf enough), or whether it’s feigning “getting slain in the spirit” at a holy roller church so as not to draw suspicion from the congregation, there just seems to be no place on earth where I could truly feel at home.

I’m either too conservative or too liberal, too Christian or too atheist, too normal or too weird, too smothering or too distant, too emotional or too cold. Whatever it is that separates me from the rest of humanity, I either have too much of it, or not enough.

Is it ever going to be possible for me to meet a girl who could understand me through and through, or at least enough of me so that I don’t completely freak her out? Or am I really destined to walk this earth alone until death finally puts me out of my misery?

I believe I can survive without a large support group of any sort, but I don’t think I could carry on without the love of a good woman who could be both my lover and best friend. It seems sappy, but of all the agony and suffering I’ve endured in this life, this one always hurts me the most.

Oh well… there’s always castration.

I recently got tagged by the T at Spilt Milk for a Birthday Personality Meme.

Well it’s easy enough to do: simply pick your birthday month and then bold the character traits that accurately describe you. Here’s mine:

Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

Note, I highlighted “brave” but not fearless, since bravery doesn’t require being fearless, and I’m always askeered of something.

If you want to join in, here are the guidelines:

• Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
• Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
• Pick your month of birth (see below).
• Highlight the traits that apply to you.
• Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment.
• Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!

And here are the birthday months:

THE MONTHLY FLAVORS, WHICH ARE YOU?

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

As for tagging, sheesh 12 people?? I think I’ll just tag three: me, myself and I. And oh lookie, they all did their memes already!

“Dude, why can’t I find a girlfriend?”

“Well you have two problems: your looks and your personality.”