Yesterday was my last day off before I had to head back to work, so I decided to make the most of it by doing a relaxing afternoon of geocaching. First one I found was at a park where I once worked as a camp counselor, bringing back fond memories of getting jumped and beaten by a bunch of 10 year old snotheads 5 days a week. Ah yes, memories.

The next one was hidden in a what used to be a creek, long since dried up. The area was now a public plot of land that cut through an entire neighborhood and eventually ended at the grounds of a local high school. After checking the coordinates and looking around for a few minutes, I finally located the hidden cache at the guardrail that separated the park from one of the streets. It was a perfect day, the sun shining and warm enough that no jacket was needed. I felt myself relaxing and enjoying the good weather as I opened up the cache to sign the logbook.

Suddenly, a whale mountain of a hag beast Dede Scozzafava lookalike materializes out of nowhere.

“EXCUSE ME, DO YOU WORK FOR THE TOWN?

“Me? No, just taking a walk here, enjoying the weather.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ARE YOU SCOPING OUT MY HOUSE?? WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT GUARDRAIL???”

“Um, no, I’m not scoping anything. Don’t worry about this either, it’s just a geocache.”

“A WHAT? WHAT IS THAT?”

I cheerily explained the concept of geocaching to her. “It’s like a box that contains little trinkets and a logbook. People hide them all over the world, post the coordinates to them online, and then you use a GPS to find it. Sort of like a hi-tech treasure hunt. It’s really fun.”

She didn’t say anything much after that, and went back into a house nearby, so I thought that was pretty much the end of that. I signed the log and went to return the cache.

Then the land whale materializes again.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??”

I tried to explain geocaching again a few more times, including how you use a GPS device to find caches.

“I DON’T WANT THAT THING HERE. TAKE IT WITH YOU NOW.”

“I don’t think I’m allowed to take it, but I can let the owner know if you feel really uncomfortable about it…”

“THEY’RE SPYING ON US, ELLE!!!” She yelled out to someone apparently standing at the door of the house nearby.

“WHO DO YOU WORK FOR???” The lady apparently named Elle yelled out to me.

I explained who I worked for, which in hindsight I’m thinking was probably a mistake. Because when you combine GPS, satellites, and then the revelation that you work for a government agency, that’s not really a good combo to have when trying to explain a harmless pastime to someone, who for all attempts and purposes was acting like a paranoid schizophrenic.

“Look I have an ID here if you’re that concerned, but I really think you’re overre…”

“IDs CAN BE FALSIFIED. I CAN MAKE A FAKE ID TOO WITH MY PRINTER! I WANT THAT OUT OF HERE NOW!!”

“YOU PUT THAT THERE DIDN’T YOU!? ISN’T THAT A TRACKER??”

“Err no, it’s just a simple keyholder with a logbook inside.” I showed it to her.

Soon another neighbor walking her dog passed by and stopped to see what the commotion was about. It wasn’t 30 seconds before she started glaring at me as well like I was Ted Bundy reincarnated.

“Should we call the police?” She casually suggested. “It looks like he’s littering so they could arrest him for that.”

“I am not littering. And I don’t think I’m on private property either. This area here is a public area right?

“IT DOESN’T MATTER, I CAN SEE YOU FROM MY HOUSE!”

“YOU TAKE THAT THING WITH YOU, AND I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? I SWEAR IF I SEE YOU HERE AGAIN I WILL GET MY SHOTGUN AND BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF! GET THE #%^$ OUT OF HERE NOW!”

“Ok, can I still take a walk in the pa– you know I think I’ll just leave now.”

I quickly walked back to my car, looking over my shoulder every now and then to see if she was in fact going to go back into the house to get her shotgun. Suddenly there were neighbors everywhere, all murmuring and staring at me like I had just landed here from Mars. They continued to glare at me with steely eyes of raging, foaming hatred. I had never seen anything quite like it.

I still had the cache with me, but no way was I putting it back now. I got out of there fast. Afterwards, I pulled into another section of the park area far away from Miss Nightmare on Elm Street, and hid the cache in a guardrail there.

Once upon a time I had gone to school here (not by choice), and I had always known something was just a little “off” with the locals, which is why I minimized any contact with them. They just weren’t… rational, ya know? But I never realized just how bad it really was until now. To be treated like a criminal and have my life threatened, this despite the fact that I was in a PUBLIC park and was parked legally, and so, what, I’m a threat because she saw me from her house from 50 yards away? Seriously? And then to talk about calling the police and working out how they can get me arrested WHILE I’M STANDING RIGHT THERE?

You know, even now I still have a naivete when it comes to befriending people in real life. I always think once I explain things and show I’m not a threat to them, they learn to relax around me. You would think logic and common sense would prevail in the end, right? Well…

The irony of it is that I when I had gone geocaching in Pennsylvania, people had warned of a similar scenario about a cache hidden at another local park there, and how if you parked on the street, one of the neighbors would have a fit and tell you off for parking in front of his house.

But see, that actually makes sense in a way. Here, I’m not merely parking in front of a house to the chagrin of the homeowner. No, I’m actually an agent for the government looking to place a tracking bug in a guardrail so the aliens can come later to murder you in your sleep. Because see, that just makes so much more sense.

Honestly, the more I travel, the more I realize just how badly growing up here had adversely affected the way I see people. I notice everyone around me is batty cracknuts out of their minds, and I assume that’s just how it is everywhere. People are paranoid, hostile, and will spit in your face just for daring to pollute their existence. They will be friendly one day and then come after you with knives the very next. In fact, I’m pretty certain that if I came back to that same place this weekend, they would all be quite friendly to me. Although, I think I’ll refrain from putting that theory to the test.

I should have paid attention when I took psychology at one of the local colleges here, and the professor mentioned that we had one of the highest ratio of mental hospitals than anywhere else in the country.

Now I know why.

Tags: camp counselor, geocache, geocaching, gps, neighbor, neighbors, parked, parking, Pennsylvania, world
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Since I’ve been putting myself “out there,” especially when it comes to geocaching, I have so far:

• Been chased by the police
• Been chased by dogs
• Gotten poison ivy rashes all over me
• Stepped on doggie doo (this in an area where dogs aren’t allowed)
• Picked up fossilized horsey poo thinking they were rocks
• May have possibly gotten swine flu (I’m getting a sore throat now)

…and probably a few other things I can’t remember because I’ve repressed the memory.

But on the upside, during the times I’ve traveled far and away from home, I’ve beheld some truly magnificent scenery, which would include the women who somehow wind up in my hotel room for one reason or another.

Indeed, the more I travel and get away from it all, the more I realize just how strikingly different people are in other towns and states, and the more I suspect that the locals here really are out to get me.

Not that people weren’t rude or obnoxious elsewhere too. There were a few times in Pennsylvania where drivers would be UP MY TRAILER HITCH because I had the audacity to be in their way (though in retrospect I think it was because of my New York plates and the fact that the Phillies were turning into world class losers, tee hee.)

But generally, the atmosphere was remarkably different from what I’m used to. Everyone was always so… nice.

When I was at a buffet I remember walking up to get a plate, then turned around and happened to notice a girl, who just out of the blue gives me this heartwarming smile as she passed by. I was so taken aback that all I could manage to do was smile back, right before I ran back to my table and kept my head down low, wondering what crazy Twilight Zone episode I had just been teleported to. Women? Smiling at me? When things like that happen I can’t help but look out the window to see if I can spot the Four Horsemen.

Then there was the time when I was still in Lake Placid, I went to a BBQ restaurant and the waitress who took my order was just too nice for words. She actually wanted to keep talking to me but got called away, and to be honest, even if we hadn’t been interrupted, I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NICE TO ME OMG IT’s FREAKING ME OUT!!!111

And then with Hotel Girl, who not only smiled, but also seemed content to be within kissable distance of me. I’m the type who gets exceptionally nervous when anyone breaches my personal perimeter of 6 feet, because I’ve gotten used to the idea that I am a rather repulsive human being that nobody would want to be within 2 yards of anyway. But then things like this happen, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe I was simply born in the wrong place.

Because what happens is, eventually when I’m done with my travels, I come… home.

And that’s when day quickly becomes night, and I have an opportunity to compare and contrast what I see here from what I see “out there.”

I noticed it right away when I went down to Panera Bread for a lunch or two a day after I got back from Pennsylvania. Women in particular do not look at me at all. I absolutely do not register on their radar, and for those rare times I do, good grief, the looks I would get. Steely, stony looks of pure, unadulterated hatred. Looks that say “How DARE you pollute the air I breathe with your existence!” Whereas the girl at that buffet gave me a smile as if I had made her day just by being there, these locals instead give me the kind of dirty looks typically reserved for mass murderers or people who like to kick puppies for fun.

I always thought it was because something was seriously wrong with me. I’m undesirable, I’m ugly, I can’t even get a girl to crack a polite smile because I am just that putrid and repugnant and disgusting. But then I travel just a little bit out of my safety zone and wow, what a difference even a mere 2 hour drive can make.

It’s a new experience to come in contact with a population that doesn’t seem to want you violently torn apart and shredded in a woodchipper. I wonder then if the reason it’s been so hard for me to find a nice girl is because she isn’t in fact, here, but “out there.”

Ah well, just something I’ve been pondering over as I try to fight back this growing soreness in my throat. Gees, as if the poison ivy wasn’t enough.

Well, if I do get sick, blogging will be obviously be light until I get better, so if you don’t hear from me for a bit, I’m probably on my deathbed and like, dying and stuff.

Tags: buffet, culture shock, friendly, geocaching, girl, lake placid, new york, nice, Pennsylvania, poison ivy, population, restaurant, travel, travels, women
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So aside from the poison ivy rashes (which reared its ugly head once I came home), I had a nice time in Pennsylvania for a few days.

I stayed at the Fulton Steamboat Inn, probably THE place to stay at if you’re ever visiting this area (and I don’t merely say that because of the sweet hotel girl I met here.) As soon as you come near you can hear folksy music playing in the background, and the hotel is especially a treat to the eyes at night:

Look at all the purdy lights!

Awesome rooms too:

LOVE

After catching a bluegrass show the first night, it was off to go geocaching for the remainder of my trip there. One of the things that I should have realized about this pastime is that when you go outdoors, you expose yourself to unpleasant, outdoorsy things. Like say, poison ivy.

And course, only me, would catch a BAD case of poison ivy by looking around for a geocache at a Walmart parking lot. Yes, seriously. A week later the rashes have left me weeping in a corner for several days now, while wishing death and destruction on the idiot douche monkey cache owner for hiding this thing in a jungle of this VILE, EVIL WEED. Seriously, who expects to run into poison ivy at WALMART? Oy.

I did fare better on future cache hunts though, the most rewarding of which was hidden at a covered bridge here:

Wow... it really covers!

You would thinking finding a cache here would be easy right? Well, aside from almost getting mowed down by passing cars who liked to drive 300 miles an hour over the bridge, when I realized where I had to look…

Errmm...

Are you kidding me?

Oh boy. There was a tiny ledge underneath the bridge, but the only way to get to it was to swing under by holding one of the wooden beams. I’m telling you, I came THISCLOSE to falling into the water. I was sure the wood was going to give way and I would wind up spending the night at a hospital with splinters and pneumonia. Somehow though I pulled it off, grabbed the cache while holding on to one of the beams, and swung out. Behold:

Who does your Daddy work for now, punk?

Inside were several items known as swag (trade items geocachers leave behind) and a geocoin that came from British Columbia, which I took as my reward. Due to their nature though I can’t hold on to it, so I’ll need to drop the coin off at another cache soon, where it will continue its worldwide journey.

After that near brush with death and swimming with the fishes, I decided to avoid the more riskier caches and opt for those that took me to various areas around Lancaster, preferably those places that didn’t require bushwhacking my way through the forests where evil, dangerous things like groundhogs lurked. Filtering those out, I ended up finding one near a game farm:

What are YOU lookin' at?

And one near an Amish store, where I bought a homemade sausage pretzel from a pretty Amish babe. Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, MMMM! She can do Rumspringa with me anytime.

But anyhoo, *ahem*, I have to say, geocaching is definitely providing some helpful fodder for my blogging, primarily because it leads me to places I normally wouldn’t go on my own. Usually I’m just driving around aimlessly when I’m unsure of what to do, (which is pretty much the case for me 90 percent of the time,) so it’s nice to finally come across a hobby that can provide some much needed focus to my otherwise meandering and boring life.

I have more pictures from the trip by the way, so if you’d like to see them you can check them out at my gallery or on Flickr. Enjoy!

Tags: Amish, blogging, bluegrass, country, covered bridge, geocache, geocaching, hobby, hotel, Pennsylvania, photo, Photos, poison ivy, walmart
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Or more specifically, poison ivy rashes, which I somehow got from geocaching in the woods of Pennsylvania. The irony of this? These “woods” were actually right next to a Walmart parking lot, making me think it would be an easy find. Instead I stepped into a batch of poison ivy, resulting in my leaving the state covered in itchy rashes and misery. I guess this is what I get for rooting for the Yankees in Phillies land. Oh, and also for shopping at Walmart (I realized too late there was a Target nearby all along that I could have stopped at instead. Sigh.) I won’t be making THAT mistake again. Then I come home to find a letter from the town court containing the fine amount due after I got ticketed by state police on my last vacation.

$150?!??! FOR A PARKING TICKET??? SON OF A___ YEEEEEEEARRFRBVGHHGh…

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be driving through that town again. Dillweeds.

I certainly seem to get a run of bad luck every time I put myself out there and try to enjoy life. If I just did my usual thing, instead of going out there and enduring all this misery, I could be safe at home, hiding under my bed while playing Nancy Drew games on my laptop and sipping hot cocoa. At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting pulled over by cops, or rolling in poison ivy, or getting mowed down by crazy drivers in the city, or wearing out an aging SUV that just cost me $1500 to fix up.

But then again, I wouldn’t have had beautiful women somehow find their way into my hotel room three times in a row either. Two that brought me room service, and one that helped get my fireplace going. Nor would I have enjoyed some of the beautiful scenery I came across either in my travels.

It occurred to me then that hiding under my bed and surfing eHarmony is probably not the best way to meet or find a nice girl. Besides, I was missing out on life, and even with all the dangers out there, the rewards often trump the risks.

So despite my itching all over as I type this post, I’m determined to continue living the life I’ve always wanted to live, to go places I’ve never been to before, to explore the world and meet new people, and maybe somewhere in all that I’ll someday meet my dream girl too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put some ointment on and scream for a little while…

Tags: geocaching, life, parking ticket, Pennsylvania, poison ivy, police, risks, travel, travels, vacation, walmart, women
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So I got up early this morning for a 3 day trip to Lancaster County in Pennsylvania, where I would meet up with a few relatives to celebrate a birthday at a bluegrass show. The next few days though would be all about meeeeeeeeeee, as I go off to do some geocaching deep in the heart of Amish Country.

So I have my GPS all set up, and I take off, first with a stop at 7-11 for some coffee.

And yep, I knew things were going to go south the minute I poured Half and Half into my coffee and the cap fell out and landed right into my cup.

“Ow, ouch, ow, ouch!” My fingers burned as I tried to pick the cap out of the sizzling coffee. Finally I wised up and used a pair of stirrers to get it out. The coffee of course tasted flat too.

Afterwards, I start heading south and already my spirits were beginning to improve, knowing I would be out of New York and breathing a bit easier over the next few days from being away from this accursed place. Then I see a road sign:

“Verrazano Bridge Closed.”

Nah, that can’t be right. Who completely closes a major metropolitan bridge anyway? Refusing to accept the warning, I pressed on, thinking the sign meant they only closed a few lanes.

THEY CLOSED THE ENTIRE @#$%^ VERRAZANO BRIDGE WHAT THE @*&$%^ GAAAAYEEARRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I furiously started tapping the detour button on my GPS, but it kept telling me to take the same route that was now completely BLOCKED by barriers and cops. Livid and ready to mow people down, I turned around and made my way back uptown again. The GPS finally wised up to my location and rerouted me through the Battery tunnel and the Holland. Thank God the traffic was light or I probably never would have made it out of New York alive. Eventually I did make it out and before I knew it I was zipping along on the New Jersey Turnpike at high speed.

I didn’t drive slower than 80-90… (ok maybe 100 at times) until I was finally in Pennsylvania. Breathing a bit easier now that I was out of the craphole that was New York and New Jersey, I noticed there was a geocache right by the rest area, so I decided to take a quick look so I could log this one as a find too.

Unfortunately I didn’t find it, although I did manage to muddy up my shoes and cut my hands too from the blades of the grass I was pulling up to find this bloody stupid cache. Oy! Plus for some reason my cell phone was not cooperating, so I could not access the Internet to get more info either so I could locate it.

I gave up and eventually continued deeper into Pennsylvania, then stopped by a Walmart to pick up a few things. I noticed there was yet another cache nearby the parking lot, so it was off I went. (Yep, I am in fact hooked to this.) This time I managed to find it, though not before stepping around in what I’m pretty sure now was poison ivy. I am really, really hoping that’s not the case, or this mini-vacation is going to take a very miserable turn for the worse in a hurry.

I arrived at the hotel around 3PM and checked in, dragged my suitcase up to my room and tried to open the door. After jiggling around for a minute, the door suddenly swung open and the guy whose room that DID belong to stared curiously at me.

“Whoops, sorry, wrong room.” He had just about scared the living crapola out of me too. Yeesh. I quickly moved away, only to move back again when I realized my room was directly across from his. A few minutes later, after I went out into the parking lot to grab more stuff, I saw the same guy again heading out and waving at me. I happened to notice a sticker on his car too, and it was an emblem that had become all too familiar to me. The guy actually worked for the same agency I did. We were, in fact, coworkers.

200 miles I travel and I still can’t get away from my job.

As soon as I realized it I ran to see if I could catch up to him to find out more, but his car had already left the parking lot. Are these people watching me or something??

Regardless, the whirly day finally began to simmer down as I met up with my folks again and we went off to the bluegrass show. I had a nice time, came back to the hotel, and somehow concluded the evening by having a pretty, sweetheart of a girl stop by my room so she could help light my fire.

But that’s another story.

Anyhoo, that’s it for the day. It’s 1AM, I’m exhausted and I need to get some sleep. Plus I’m starting to itch a little here…

Tags: Amish, coworkers, geocache, geocaching, girl, gps, lancaster county, new york, Pennsylvania, sweetheart, traffic, travel, vacation, verrazano bridge, walmart
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So what started out as a $20 oil change eventually turned into a $1500 job to fix my car.

I stumbled out of the dealership, pale white and in a daze, wondering if this is what it must have felt like to have the life force vacu-sucked out of you by The Mummy, right before he tosses you aside like so much smelly garbage.

There was no avoiding it though. My brakes needed replacement or they wouldn’t pass inspection, and I had to deal with a power steering leakage that cost over $500 to fix. The rest were jobs I had been planning to get done anyway (like a battery replacement), and since my wallet was pretty much getting molested enough as it is, I figured I might as well get it over with now.

But gees.

Well on the upside, I totally have a legitimate excuse now not to get anyone Christmas presents this year.

After I spent the morning AND afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese (don’t judge me), my car was finally ready to go, and I made out of there like a bat out of hell. I seriously did not want to be out and about on Halloween, because people have been acting bonkos crazy nuts lately, especially out on the roads. Who’s cutting me off, who’s blocking my exit, and one guy in front of me who STEPS on the fricking brakes in the MIDDLE of the interstate where everyone is going 70 at least, and then just continues on la lee da?? You know, I bet that’s why I needed new brakes too. Mother pus bucket…

Yep, I think I am just about ready to leave New York for a few days. I’d make it forever, of course, but the umbilical cord that is my job would eventually reel me in sooner or later. Sigh.

Ah well, hanging out with the Amish might be just what the doctor ordered. It should be a therapeutic experience, especially now that I”l have a chance to go and laugh at them for riding horse carriages and not owning iPods. Who knows, maybe I’ll even pick up a hot Amish babe currently going through Rumspringa along the way.

Tags: Amish, car, chuck e cheese, crazy, dealership, halloween, job, new york, Pennsylvania
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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