It was a dark and stormy night.

Actually no, it was a sunny and illuminous day here, with the weather dipping to the low 70s and the skies dancing with the billowing remnant clouds of Tropical Storm Danny. What a great way to end August and unofficially, the end of summer.

This was my week to leave the office for what we call THE RUN. Basically it involves stopping at a slew of government offices for pickups and dropoffs, and while I’m usually not crazy about this part of my job, I definitely welcomed the opportunity today. If you’re quick about it, The Run usually takes about an hour and 45 minutes to do, so naturally it takes me about 3 hours. It also gave me a chance to enjoy the weather and get away from the office’s resident hens, who cannot help but talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk talk talky talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk…

So I’m driving around far and away from the mindless, white noises of the office, and I’m thinking about things. I had been so desperate to move out on my own that I hadn’t really thought about another possibility: What if I could move out of state for real?

I was ready to give up on the idea that I would ever get another job or move out of state, and in that frame of mind I was looking around for any kind of apartment I could find simply to get away from my parents, resigning myself to the reality that my job now was the only job I’d ever have, and while I was lucky to have it, in another sense it was a blackhole too. There’s no promotional path, no training seminars, no chance to expand my skill set at all. In 9 years, I have learned nothing new. And because of it I was pretty much unemployable as far as the private sector goes.

But the public sector… well now, they actually EXPECT you not to have any skills whatsoever.

It also occurred to me that I was in the most ideal place you could ask to be in if your objective was to make a life altering, dramatic move and career change. I have no wife and kids, no debt, no property that I owned, not even furniture. I could up and leave a moment’s notice, literally. And while I’ve been building up my nest egg in preparation to move out, I wonder now if I should stick around for the time being and invest in something even bigger, not simply just to move out and find my own place, but move out of my job and my state altogether.

I always thought the Feds would be my ultimate destiny, mostly because since I graduated it had been my dream to work as a special agent for a law enforcement agency, whether it was the FBI or somebody else, a dream I had to give up on partly because of my disability, and partly because I’m, well, pretty much an idiot.

But now there’s no better time than the present to shoot for the stars again, and maybe even if I couldn’t work as a sworn agent, I could still serve in a civilian capacity somewhere. I have the luxury now of being able to apply and go to any job in the country (except New Jersey, cuz, ewwww). I could also take a salary hit without feeling the squeeze now that all my debts have been taken care of as well.

I think I owe it to myself to at least give it a try before accepting the sentence of life imprisonment in New York. Maybe there is a faux log cabin and a bonnie lass waiting for me in Colorado after all.

Tags: apartment, career, debts, destiny, dream, government, job, law enforcement, life, new york, parents, public sector, weather, white noise
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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With all the news about the economy being in the toilet and people left and right losing their jobs (and unable to find new ones), I’m reminded of the personal recession I once experienced shortly after I graduated college, waaaaaay back in ‘98.

I had just wrapped up my undergraduate “career” and finished with a degree in computer science, all during a time when the IT industry was BOOM-ING, BABY, OW! You couldn’t so much as turn without smacking right into an IT/computer related job. I had made the right choice for a degree, patted my back for a job well done, and at 21 years of age I was ready to take on the world and start on my way to becoming a buff, studly FBI hacker who would single-handedly capture Russian bad dudes with nary a few taps on the keyboard. The world was my oyster, baby!

Well…

One job interview went by. Then another. Then another, and yet no one got back to me. Soon I started getting rejection letters, and it wasn’t long before my post-college bravado gave way to concern, and then outright fear. I was going to job fairs, handing out resumes like candy, responding to newspaper ads, emailing companies, literally knocking door to door, and all I was beginning to show for it was a growing stack of rejection letters (which I still have by the way.)

What was I doing wrong? The industry was booming, I had picked the right field, the demand was high, and yet no one wanted to hire me?

One month became two, then six, then before I knew it a whole year had gone by and I was still gainfully unemployed. My relationship with my parents was really taking a turn for the worse too. At some point things got so bad between us that they eventually became convinced that I wasn’t serious about finding work, that the only thing I was really doing all day was playing games on the internet. So as punishment they took my speedy 28.8 dialup modem away.

There’s probably nothing more demoralizing to a 22 year old college graduate than to have not only his modem taken away, but access to a car as well (since my parents both worked during the day.) So there I was, with no access to the internet and no access to a car, and yet I was still expected to somehow find a job.

Their suspicion that I would only spend the day playing Battlezone 2 or surfing Usenet groups to argue with stupid Christians was totally unfounded too. Ok… MOSTLY unfounded. It said nothing of the fact that I was desperate, DESPERATE to get the holy FRICK away from my parents and get my own place so I could live my own life. You think they’d understand that ALONE was more than enough incentive for me. I wasn’t gaming all day long on the internet. I was trying to network, research and brainstorm ways I could find a job. Then when I needed a break, I’d play a round or two of Wolfenstein. What else could I do, really?

But still they locked up my 28.8 dialup modem in their bedroom before leaving for work every day, and my only means of transportation then was a 20 year old woman’s bicycle (with a flowery basket in front) that we kept on the porch. Thank God YouTubers weren’t around then to capture the comical display of me riding around in a suit on a girlie bike with a stack of resumes crammed in my basket. I never would have lived it down.

Most of the time when I wasn’t out riding into town and feeling really stupid about myself, I was left to twiddle my thumbs while I stared blankly at the wall, wondering why God hated me so much.

I think the first low point then was when I managed to get a part time job delivering flowers, only to get fired a week later when I asked to come in later than usual so I could go to a job interview. When they realized I had graduated college and was spending time going to interviews they figured I wouldn’t be around long term and fired me. My parents blamed me for it because I shouldn’t have said anything about a job interview, but I wasn’t street smart enough to know about these things. Their harsh criticism and the embarrassment of being fired from a florist delivery job made me hate myself more than anything. I thought I was the most worthless idiot on the planet. Everyone else was landing jobs left and right and here I couldn’t even hold on to flowers.

Eventually after some more time passed, I had an idea. My modem was still being locked away safe and sound in their bedroom, but one evening I had to go to the supermarket to get some groceries for my parents and borrowed the car. When I went to get the keys, I realized one of them was the key to the bedroom.

Hmmmmm….

I had a bunch of extra quarters saved up in a can somewhere, so I grabbed those up, got in the car and stopped by the hardware store.

“Yeah I’d like to get an extra copy of this key?”

“Sure, be a few minutes.”

I watched him as he forged a magical key that would unlock the mysteries of the kingdom. I dropped a bunch of quarters on the counter while he threw a quizzical look at me, as if to say “Are you so cheap you can’t even pay in bills?” but thankfully took them anyway and gave me change.

YES!

The next morning I cheerfully waved my parents off as they went to work, then waited a few minutes to make sure neither of them came back in case they had forgotten something, and raced to their bedroom door.

*click*

You could hear the angels singing as I unlocked the door and the light from outside shone into the room. I started looking around and quickly found my beloved dialup modem. I was in the game again!

The thrill of sneaking around like that breathed some new life into me, and I would spend the next few weeks making the rounds of unlocking the bedroom door, grabbing my modem and then going through my daily routine of job hunting, networking and whatnot before I ended with a fast game of Battlezone, then quickly returning the modem back into the bedroom and locking the door again when the timer I set for myself buzzed, signaling the time I needed to get off so I wouldn’t get caught redhanded.

Once my internet time was up, I would break out the Ragu pizza sauce I kept hidden in my room and use the bread machine we had to make pizza. We had the same equipment restaurants used to make brick oven pizza, and with it all I was turning pizza-making into an art form, even learning how to toss it up to spread the dough. It was truly my source of comfort and joy. I would take a few hot slices, head over into the living room and watch General Hospital so I could catch a glimpse of my dream girl at the time, Rebecca Herbst. The fantasies of getting snuggly wubsy woos from her and the exquisite tastes of my homemade pizza helped get me through some very dark times then.

You could have had my pizza anytime, baby....

I’m not sure if my parents ever figured out I had been able to get into their bedroom, but they must have been suspicious. One day when I was going through the usual morning routine of unlocking their bedroom, I stepped in and suddenly saw an empty seltzer bottle rolling around on the floor.

Hmmmmmmm… where did that come from?

When I picked it up and tried to get a read on where it had been before, I realized it must have been right behind the door. There was no way to avoid knocking it down when you opened the door either, and that’s when it occurred to me that it was placed that way on purpose. My parents had set up a primitive boobytrap to see if I was indeed invading their bedroom while they were away at work. If it hadn’t rolled around in my view the way it did, I might have never noticed it, and it would have made for a very awkward conversation that day.

Ah well.

I took the bottle and placed it upright again behind the door before leaving and locking the room.

And so it went, week after week, unlocking their bedroom, knocking the bottle down, and then putting the modem back and setting the bottle upright just before I locked the room up again. I felt like James Bond. Fitting that they would use an empty bottle for this too. They always did see the glass half empty. *sound of corny 007 music playing*

I think after a while my parents finally started to mellow out and realize I was indeed going through a hard time here. After about 18 months of job searching, I hit my lowest point when I was even turned down for a job as a cashier, but not before enduring three humiliating interviews where they put me through a psych test, a counting test, and a few other tests to determine my knowledge of all things cashier related. I got the rejection letter 2 weeks later.

That last rejection had me throwing up my hands in defeat and ready to jump off a bridge somewhere, but shortly afterwards a recruiter found one of my resumes in a databank, at long last leading me to my first full time job, 19 months after I graduated college. Finally, my recession had come to an end.

Of course I would soon be laid off 5 months later, but that’s another story.

Tags: car, career, college, computer, economy, graduate, internet, job, jobs, life, networking, parents, part time, pizza, recession, rejection, work
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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When a guy lives with his parents for so… very… agonizingly… long… he tends to take certain things for granted.

While I contributed to paying for most of the rent and bills, Mommy would always pretty much take care of the rest. All those basic necessities of life (like toilet paper) would magically replenish itself so I never had to worry about them. I never had to deal with the scum sucking landlord, or the utility bills, or even with most of the cleaning, though I still cleaned my own room and did my own laundry. Other than that (and cooking), Mommy would always take care of everything else.

I didn’t even have to worry about the phone bills until recently either because I was under the family plan. Since I started making plans to move out once my debts were paid, one of the first things I did was to break off from my parents’ family plan so I could have my own account, but of course Verizon completely botched the process by charging me for two lines when I only wanted one.

After I saw my first Verizon bill and realized the error they made, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Ah well, Mommy will take care… … … … crap.”

Yep, for the first time I had to handle my own phone bill, and after numerous phone calls, emails, and talking to maybe 5 different representatives to get things straightened out, I started to realize very quickly just how BIG a buffer my mother had been for me from life’s everyday aggravations and hassles.

Independence does come with a price after all.

Not that I’m completely unprepared for it, but there are some things that I was still going to have to learn about, like say, paying the electric bill, which my Momsie tried to explain to me the other day:

“If your apartment has one you should always make sure to read the meter to pay the electric, that way you’re not overpaying.”

“Sigh.”

Ayup, it’s definitely going to be a weird experience to sit in my own apartment and wonder why the toilet paper was no longer magically replenishing itself, or why the rent wasn’t automatically being paid, or why the apartment just wouldn’t stay clean for some blasted reason, or why there was never any food in the fridge. Didn’t a group of magical elves always take care of all that? What happened to them all??!?

Tags: apartment, independence, living, mommy, parents, phone, verizon, verizon bill
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I have finally arrived at the magic number of 500 posts!  

It’s hard to believe that I managed to stick it out even when there were so many times I was tempted to hang it up and stop blogging for good.  But writing is in my blood evidently, and blogging has always been a good outlet for me to express myself in a linguistic sense.  With 2009 also on the horizon and a new plan possibly in the works to really get some traffic going, who knows, I might finally be able to realize my dream of actually making some serious money off this blog.

Yet what if that were to really happen though?  What if… I were able to honestly blog for a living?  Should I give up my job for good and blog full time, and do what I’ve always been pining to do, which was to travel across America and write about my experiences?

Doing so would mean giving up a dull job that otherwise offers a lot of benefits, from being able to work only 33 hours, 4 days a week, to enjoying excellent medical and dental plans, including additional perks like longevity pay, education stipends, ample vacation/sick time, being vested in a retirement and additional medical plan, not to mention the fact that it is laid back enough that I can surf the Internet for most of the day while still getting my work done.  Heck, I don’t even have a supervisor either (at least not for a long while, since I scared them all away.)      And since it’s a government job, it offers the kind of job security that could easily survive the recession as well (as long as crime doesn’t go out of business.)

There’s also the fact that if I succeed in monetizing my blog, I would effectively have two incomes as long as I keep my current job.  In a few years I could buy a condo or even a home in another state without even taking out a mortgage.  Such a possibility had never even occurred to me until I considered what I’d be able to do if I pretended my second income didn’t exist at all, and just let it pile up in my savings account for a few years.  I could afford a home for my parents.  A real home.  I could fund their accounts so they’d no longer have to work full time and can enjoy some kind of semi-retirement lifestyle.  I could really help people, good people who are just going through a hard time and could use a little financial charity.  I’d be able to provide for a family too if I had one.

And the only sacrifice I had to make was to simply put up with my ultra-boring, soul sucking job, and God help me, the stupidest bloody coworkers that could have ever graced creation.  And of course, continue living in the worst, most disgusting leftist-riddled state in the entire union. 

You know, as much security as  my job would offer me now, there’s something to be said for being completely self-sufficient and self-employed, with an online income that doesn’t require you to be tied down to any one location.  It offers the kind of freedom most people can only dream of, and for it to even be a distinct possibility for me is a miracle unto itself.  Maybe I can somehow find a way to live the best of both worlds though.    Ultimately, it all hangs on what happens in the next year or so.

In the meantime, here’s to another 500 posts, and promises of a better future that sees this blog not only enrichening my life, but the lives of many others as well. 

Tags: blog, blogging, coworker, dream, family, financial, freedom, income, job, job security, life, living, monetizing, money, online, parents, travel, work
Categories: Blog Fog, In The Coal Mine
 
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And here I am once again arriving at another Thanksgiving, alone, empty, and even worse off than last year.  What do I have to be thankful for?  I’m still in a dead end job, I still haven’t found my dream girl, and now thanks to the Obamaton assbots who voted Antichrist-Lite into office, I can look forward to 4 years of misery so awful it will make me yearn for the Jimmy Carter years.

I have nothing to be thankful.  NOTHING.

Well… at least I’ll soon be out of debt though, so I guess there’s that.  And I have a job where I only have to work 4 days a week, so I guess I should be thankful for that too.  And I have a nice car, a laptop, a desktop PC, two digital cameras, a fridge packed with food and a closet filled with clothes, and of course my incredibly designed blog as well.  I also have two loving parents that still haven’t disowned me even when I accidentally set their car on fire.  (And the kitchen too, after a failed baking experiment once.)

Ok, so maybe I do have a few things to be thankful for. 

I guess I should take this time then to at least try and focus on the good things in my life instead of the bad.  And out of all the good that I do have, the one thing I should be thankful for above everything else is having a God who is always watching out for me, even when I accuse Him of the most horrible things.

So thank you Lord for putting up with me, especially when You’re the only one who has the patience to do so.  But who knows, maybe someday You’ll bring a girl into my life who will also have the kind of everlasting patience to put up with me as well. 

Tags: dream girl, girl, God, life, lord, misery, parents, patience, thankful, thanks, Thanksgiving
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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One of the things that really kill any incentive to pull myself together and get my life back on track is that there seems to be nothing worth fighting for.  I have no desire to fight for myself, because I’m kinda of a weenie and don’t like myself very much, so there’s no motivation there.  I can’t fight for my parents either, because they’d actually be better off if I were dead.  That way they could get my pension, my car and the rest of my possessions, which is enough to afford them a nice house somewhere without having to take out a mortgage.  Really, I’m holding them back just by being alive. 

If anything, I should be fighting for God, but I can never be convinced that He loves or cares about me, even when there are occasionally signs to the contrary.  It always seems like the people who have hurt me the most in my life end up getting ridiculously rewarded for their malice, and I’ve never understood why.  It’s like I’m a lucky charm for my worst enemies.    That’s why there are times I suspect that He cares more about my enemies than He does about me.  It’s really a battle to try to change that perception too, especially when on top of that everything else I do in life amounts to a complete failure.  Whatever I say or do has little to no impact on anything.  I can’t change lives for the better, help people get saved, or contribute anything of value to society or the church.  I am hated by all and loved by none, and it’s like I don’t even bother anymore because I know I’ll just fail as usual, so what’s the point?  (And before you start berating me for having this loser attitude, just remember it took years of perpetual failures and disappointments to develop this self-defeating mentality, so nyah.)

Then there’s the girl of my dreams factor.  One of the worst sins I could think of having committed is that I prolonged meeting her only because I’ve been such a weenie all these years.  But is she really out there at the end of the rainbow, waiting for me to get my act together and go get her?  Or am I just deluding myself into thinking she is, when the cold, hard truth of the matter is that she doesn’t exist after all, and I will live and die alone?

There were times though when I thought I had met her, and it was within those times that I found all the motivation I needed to get my life in order.  I stopped hiding in my own skin and started taking care of myself.  My clothes were new and fashionable.  My place was always clean.  I became more outgoing and personable.  My performance at work improved dramatically  I just did everything better.

And then it would all come crashing down when it became obvious that she wasn’t in fact the one, sometimes in the most cruelest way imaginable.  Afterwards it was all I could do to even get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I’d sleep for 12-15 hours straight, and even then I still couldn’t get up.  When I did get up though I had a devil may care attitude about life, purposely hurting myself and not giving a damn.  And then I would go back to sleep again for another 15 hours.

Things may calm down after a while, but I never do break out of this vicious cycle completely.  Yet… what if I could be convinced that there really was somebody out there for me after all?  Not just merely hope there was someone, but know it for a fact?  If that were the case, there’s no way I’d behave like this, because now my attitude is adversely affecting someone else’s life.  It would be wrong of me then not to pull my life together so I could be there for her.  I’d feel the same way if I had children too, because there is just no way I could excuse myself with living the way I do if it’s going to hurt my kids.  They deserve the best of me, 8 days of week, and they (as well as the girl of my dreams) would definitely be worth fighting for.

As the years go by though and I get older, these dreams and hopes begin to fade away, and with it my desire to live.

I guess I’m looking for something tangible now that will give me enough resolve to fight again, and I don’t mean mere wishy washy, hopey o’ change signs, but something truly rock solid.  If the girl of my dreams is out there, I will fight for her.  If a better future awaits me, I will fight for it.  But I have to believe it.  I have to know it to be true.

Show me the way, and I will walk in it.  Help me find what’s worth fighting for.

Tags: attitude, better future, church, depression, despair, disappointment, disappointments, dream, dreams, enemies, failure, fight, fighting, girl of my dreams, God, incentive, loser, motivation, parents, purpose
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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