I know I’ve bashed eHarmony before, but this is the last and final time. Maybe.

For this last attempt and latest attempt in the world of online dating, I signed up for a discount special where I “only” have to pay $20 a month for 3 months. It was cheap enough that I figured what the heck, but of course after only the first month I was so disgusted that I wanted to cancel my subscription early. That’s when I found out that they would not refund the rest of my subscription since I had signed up under one of their discount specials, and as they clearly indicated on page 489, section 5G, Subdivision 23 of their terms of service (font needs to be enlarged by 200% to be readable), I am thus not eligible for a refund.

So I was stuck. I could cancel and lose money, or just keep it going until it finally expired, because hey, you never know right? … … …

Well today my subscription has finally expired, and here’s what I do know: I have amassed a total of over 800 failed matches. EIGHT HUNDRED. 800 land whales, man beasts, visa hunters, neurotic cracknuts and mothers with 5 kids looking for a new daddy, not to mention the horde of whores who closed me out because I wasn’t tall enough, rich enough, or didn’t have the courtesy of mentioning what car I drove. And then of course, the nonresponsive types that I would beg, plead and grovel to respond to a communication request I sent, and finally the nonpaying members with their stupid remarks at the end of their profiles: “Oh by the way I’m not a paying member, so even if you were my dream guy, I wouldn’t be able to contact you. Sorry!”

You know, if you tallied up my failed experiences with online dating since the beginning, I’m pretty sure it’s now over 1000. Seriously, at what point do I finally say, to #&*ing hell with this crap? I really thought online dating would be an answer to prayer. I wouldn’t have to go to bars or other seedy places with no other purpose on my mind than to get me a hottie. I wouldn’t have to go to church and raise my hand in worship while scoping the congregation for babes, only to realize that they’re all either 80 years old or married. At least on dating sites, I could find single women according to my personal preferences and beliefs. I didn’t have to make a shot in the dark on the distant hope that a complete stranger I met on the street would have everything I’m looking for. I didn’t have to worry that I would be judged and dismissed on my looks or preference for Old Navy clothes up front before a woman had a chance to know me. Online dating did away with all those potential roadblocks.

Well, no it didn’t.

What it introduced me to was the absolute worst humanity had to offer. Dating became akin to sifting through a Walmart circular, trying to find the best deals on products whose quality ratings were questionable at best. Women were discount grocery items that I would need to squeeze at times to see if they were still fresh, or just a little too ripe for my liking.

Is this really how I want to meet the girl of my dreams? That when people ask us how we met, I’d have to say it was through the Hoinky Boinkys R’ Us Dating Site for Stupid, Desperate Numbnuts? Pass.

So you know what, I’m done. I am DONE with this BULL .

I will never use an online dating site again. If I really want a NICE girl who is not bat guano crazy, I am just gonna have to get up off my lazy love biscuits and find her myself. And in the mean time I am just going to move on and live life the way I please. I’m not going to deprive myself of some of the great experiences life has to offer me just because I have no one to share that moment with.

I’ve been trapped in that thinking for too long, and it’s time now to turn over a new leaf and start a new chapter.

Tags: dating site, dating sites, eharmony, online dating, profiles, scam, whores, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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So I wake up yesterday morning to the news that Captain Anus won the nobel peace prize and that Marge Simpson will pose nude for Playboy (Marge being a cartoon mind you from the Simpsons), and I’m wondering if somehow during the middle of the night, the aliens hadn’t abducted me and dropped me into an alternative universe where red means go and the New York Mets actually know how to win baseball games.

But anyhoo, Friday just wouldn’t have been a Friday without another commentary on the whack craziness that is online dating. This time it comes in the form of an email I got from a dating site I registered for but had long forgotten about:

My name is Shellie. I live in New York as well. I am 41, single, never married. I have 4 dogs.

I am 4′11, have a good figure but always feel I need to improve on it.

Being newly single again after a 10 yr relationship, I am looking for friendship, maybe more.

If this sounds appealing, please contact me.

Um…

What exactly was I supposed to find appealing, the fact that you appear to be looking for a boy toy, that you have 4 dogs, or that I’m obviously somebody you’d be dating on the rebound?

And seriously, who sells themselves as a dating prospect by virtue of how many dogs they have?

Yep, I’m gonna be single forever.

Tags: dating site, email, new york mets, nobel peace prize, online dating, Simpsons, single
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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So you’re offering free communication with matches this weekend?  Really?  Then why is it when I want to “Fast Track” it and email a match directly so I can bypass the 5 million questionnaires you normally force us to send each other, that I’m instead redirected to a payment page where you literally scream in big honking words fabulous payment plans that start at $60 a month?

Oh I see, you didn’t actually mean I could talk to a match, just that I’ve been granted the luxurious privilege of trudging through 8 separate steps of trading questions and quizzes, at which point if I somehow actually make it to the final step before the weekend’s up, I’m once again taken to the payment page.

Yeah that’s some real communication you offer there, you tub of money grubbing ass bunnies.

Never mind that you have the fudging balls to plaster big honking BANNER advertising all over my account pages, which I’m sure must nicely pad your already bloated revenue stream, and yet somehow you just can’t find it in your budget to offer even one day of actual communication that doesn’t amount to a pile of fossilized monkey droppings?  Really, not even just one day out of the entire flipping year?

But no, you want me to start ponying up some serious cash just so I can truly benefit from your groundbreaking matching algorithms (which I’m sure involves nothing more than a giant globe of lottery balls spitting out the names of matches at random.)

And yet even with my wallet drained and the system dropping 50 matches into my account (49 of who promptly close their match with me), this is what I’m left with:

29 dimensions of compatibility my ass.

Tags: advertising, compatibility, eharmony, online dating, online dating sites, rant
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I’d since tossed in the towel when it comes to online dating, but a thought occurred to me: If I’m giving up, I might as well go out with a bang, right?

And since writing a serious profile that highlighted all my positive traits wasn’t doing dinky squats, I think it’s time I started having a little fun and doing what I do best: pissing the ever living crap out of people.

Here’s a copy of my newly rewritten profile for your perusal, which I titled, “NO FAT CHICKS!!” Bask in the glory that is my manly brilliance:

I am, quite simply, the man of every woman’s dreams. I’m also Italian, which means I can cook, I can sing, and I can love in ways you could never imagine, even in your wildest fantasies.

But if you want me, you must be worthy of me. Here are a few things you will need to fulfill before you should even consider contacting me:

• You must be at a normal, healthy weight. Fat, obese chicks need not apply. Please, don’t kid yourself. If you don’t like it, stop eating and join a gym.
• You must have a positive IQ and have a college education. Stupid women are unattractive. In addition, if you think MySpace is the greatest thing in the world then you have no redeeming quality whatsoever. Please go join a convent and spare us men of your vacuous, mind numbing idiocy.
• You must hate liberals. If Obama is your god not only will I not contact you, I will superimpose your face on naked photos of Richard Simmons and post them to Facebook and MySpace for all the world to see, which will include the captions “For a good time call…” along with your cell phone number and email address.
• You must have no tattoos or body piercings in places other than your ears. They are not cool. Such self mutilation is a sign of a mental disorder. Get help you sick, sick girl (and stay away from magnetic material.)
• You must not dress like a 2 dollar hooker working 42nd Street in Manhattan. It does not make you look sexy. It makes you look like a hooker.
• You must not drink (or drink only on rare occasions). If bar hopping is one of your favorite pastimes, then please don’t let me stop you from continuing to enjoy it… alone.
• You must not have children. If you messed up in a previous relationship and got kids out of that deal, that’s not my problem. Go collect welfare if you want a sugar daddy, you promiscuous monkey ho.
• You will treat me as the rare diamond that I am, because let’s face it, you’ll never find anyone better than me. You will treat me with the respect due a man of my high stature and valor. You will love me like a king, and in return I will love you like a queen (maybe.)

If you can manage to fulfill all of the criteria above (and you’re hot looking too), then let’s talk! If not, then I would suggest signing up for TrailerParkTrash-Match.com and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to find your soulmate there.

Think I’ll get any responses?  

Tags: dating profile, funny, online dating, satire
Categories: Comic Relief, Romance and Relationships
 
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And I don’t mean bland either, I mean boy howdy f’ugly ugly.

Seems I always have to do some considerable digging before I can find a profile of someone who didn’t look they were the product of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. Why is this? Out here in the real world, I don’t have to take two steps before running into a bonnie lass I’d like to club and take home (and I would too if it weren’t for those damned assault laws.) Yet when it comes to these online dating sites I feel like I’m trapped inside a Twilight Zone rerun.

Now before you go bashing my head in with a 2 x 4 here, I happen to think the men on these sites are even uglier… including me.

I’m convinced part of it has to do with the fact that if you got a girl who is A) drop dead gorgeous, and B) has a heartwarming personality of an angel from heaven, then why in God’s name would she need to use an online dating site? Men from all over the world would stampede to her hometown and start gouging each other’s eyes out for a shot at her. She’d have the pick of the litter.

Nope, what we’re seeing on these sites are the leftovers. Girls who couldn’t attract a guy’s attention probably because they all mistook her for being a guy. Or maybe because they weren’t enthralled by the thought of listening to her rant on about feminist power and why all men should be disemboweled just for being men. Or maybe it’s the mention of an angry ex-husband who owns a gun and likes to drink, all while assuring her prospects that yes, he really did stop drinking this time, and he fully realizes that it’s over between them, so no need to worry.

Mainly though, I think it’s the profile photos they choose to use (the recent ones, not the ones showing how you looked when you were ten years younger and 300 pounds lighter, as if I’m expected to believe those 90s outfits are still stylish even today.)

Look, I understand not everyone is photogenic. I know one girl who tends to look pretty bland in photos, but in real life she is absolutely gorgeous. Sometimes, the camera just wants to be mean.

But when I see some of the photos these girls pick out to use on their dating profiles, I’m seriously convinced many of them have a drinking problem. It doesn’t help that the photo they chose to use actually shows them being drunk either. And yet I can’t tell you how many times I keep running across pictures like this. They’re always in some kind of bar somewhere, holding up kegs of beer and making contorted facial expressions at the camera that tells me either someone just grabbed your bunny boons, or you truly are one batsh*% crazy chick.

It’s not even cute when men do it, but when girls do it it’s downright scary. Here’s some advice ladies (and I use the term loosely): those profile pictures of you giving the camera the finger because you were completely hammered from sampling 13 different alcoholic drinks don’t make you look pretty. They don’t make you look cute or sexy or whatever it was you thought the picture was meant to evoke. If you want the kind of guy who’s never seen a “Girls Gone Wild” video, then please STOP acting like you were one of the girls that starred in one.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, how about the sober photos? Here’s the thing: if the only photo you put up is a shot of you 100 feet or so away from the camera, so far away in fact that your image doesn’t take up more than 3 pixels of space on my monitor, then give it up. I know you’re ugly. Why else why would you use a photo that not even the forensics labs at the FBI could successfully enlarge?

And then there’s the dark photos. You know, the webcam shots of yourself that you took at 2 in the morning with only the glow of the monitor to light your face. So now, not only can I not be convinced that you’re pretty, I’m also starting to wonder whether you’re really alive either. Really, when your profile pic looks more like the ghostly image of an angry Lizzie Borden than anything resembling living flesh, I can only suggest one thing: instead of putting it up on Match.com, send it to Ghost Hunters instead. They love that sort of thing.

*Sigh*

I really shouldn’t complain though. If surfing through a sea of mind bending ugliness is what it’s going take to drive me offline and actually try approaching girls in real life, then maybe this is just the kind of medicine I need.

Tags: dating, girls, online dating, Photos, profiles, ugly, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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True story: Guy goes online looking for love, only problem is he’s a 46 year old pretending to be 18. He meets the love of his life, an impressionable 18 year old girl who eventually finds out the man of her dreams is a wee bit older than he let on. Depressed and distraught, she runs into the online arms of a 22 year old stud. Finding this to be a rather unacceptable situation, the guy does the only logical thing he can think of: he grabs up his trusty old rifle, hunts down the 22 year old stud and blows him away.

But there’s another problem: the 18 year old girl of his dreams was also a wee bit older than she let on. As in, she was a 45 years old wife and mother of two kids. Whoops.

By the way, the guy was a church deacon.

I swear people, it’s not like I actually go looking for these stories to show that church people are seriously WHACKED (it was an old news item that showed up in my inbox today). Given my recent string of church bashing though, the timing did seem a little odd. But then again for a guy like me that’s par for the course. Welcome to my weird life, folks.

Tags: church, deception, grabs, inbox, killer, looking for love, love triangle, murder, news item, old girl, old news, old wife, online dating, stud, true story, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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