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My first ever post of what will be the most exciting year evaaaahhh!!!11
Lincoln Adams | January 1, 2010 @ 2:24 pmYawn.
So, basically, I brought in the new year by watching old episodes of Heroes from Netflix and popping Ferrero Rondnoirs. I hadn’t even realized it was 2010 until 3 minutes past midnight. I also refused to turn on the TV to see the ball go down because I am just not a fanboy of watching stupid, drunken revelers gyrating all over each other to the tune of crap metal devil music. Plus Dick Clark is a weenie.
Next year I hope will be a different story. Instead of gouging myself on chocolates, I hope to ring in the near year with my first ever new year’s kiss. With a woman. 
It’s going to happen, because if I can’t get some stupid, skanked up, self-absorbed, two-bit whore to cooperate and see what a great, sweet guy I am by then, then I’m just gonna hire me a hooker to give me a kissy wissy when the clock strikes 12.
Oh by the way, women SUCK.
No wait, I’m going somewhere with this. I’ve been having a fascinating discussion on a forum about relations between men and women, and some female newcomer talks about how she hates virgins and thinks they are creepy, dysfunctional, and like, totally uncool, and that only men with experience are worth chasing after. So naturally I called her a whore.
But that got me thinking. I always assumed the reason women who slept around were called whores while men who did the same were called studs was due to the byproduct of living in a patriarchal society. But now I see that women are completely to blame for these stereotypes. Why? Because while men respect women who are chaste/virgins, women however do not respect men for being the same. They in fact HATE THEM. A guy who sleeps with 50 women will be adored in the eyes of these skanks, while a virgin is shunned and derided.
As a Christian, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, and therefore chose to honor God and practice abstinence until I found “the one.” I’ve had several opportunities in my life to get on the funky, but I was so repulsed by the women who tried to… seduce me(?) that the decision to say no was easy. Back then I was really an ignoramus, I just couldn’t understand how women could proposition me without knowing anything about me, without any romance, without any emotional bond. They just slept around like it was no big deal.
Nowadays it’s even easier to remain a virgin, because now NOBODY wants me. Only I think part of it was because I so freely talked about my virginal background. I’ve never been with a woman, but I always assumed saving myself for “the one” would endear me to them even more. It never really occurred to me that it had just the opposite effect. Even those that purport to be Christian I suspect still subconsciously shun me and lose respect for me because I am not a player.
So how then can I attract women now? Well it’s simple: LIE. If anyone asks, I have had 20 women in my life, and they ALL want me back. 
That’s why I say women don’t want honesty, they want the right answers. I give them the wrong answer because stupid me thinks they might appreciate honesty, and they will run away like a thief in the night. It doesn’t matter who I am as a person, it only matters that I am only desirable to them if OTHER women also found me desirable. That’s why married men are more attractive to women than single. That’s why men with built-in harems are more attractive to women than men who practice monogamy.
The truth is I can’t reveal anything about my past, because I don’t see anything in it that could allure a girl. Everything I say about myself WILL be used against me in the court of romance and wubs. I have to lie, at least until I can get her emotionally invested in me, because the sad truth is, it’s the only way I can get any kind of woman to be interested in me. In the meantime, I might ask some of you to fake call me while I’m out on a date and like, cry on the phone and stuff over how badly you miss me and want me back. I’ll put you on speaker so she can hear it too. 
Yep, I can’t see how my revised approach here to lie my way into a new relationship could possibly go wrong. 
Tags: abstinence, christian, God, honesty, Netflix, new year, single, stereotypes, truth, virgins, whores, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
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Loading ...All the news that’s fit to never read again
Lincoln Adams | January 6, 2009 @ 1:09 amIt’s getting to be that the only news I’m willing to read are the latest DVD releases from Netflix. Because everytime I flip on a TV or check the Drudge Report I see exactly the kind of nightmarish things I never want to see even if it was being safely played out in some cheap pulp fiction novel.
And what’s the point really? Am I going to somehow make the world a better place just by being cognizant of the fact that Stuart Smalley could be a U.S. senator? And I’ll tell you something too, if Satan was gay, he’d look just like Al Franken.
And what about Israel’s counterattack on Gaza for what seems like the bazoolionth time, which is all their fault of course, because those darned Israelis just won’t let Hamas enjoy the fun of repeatedly firing rockets at them.
Then there’s the pending Obamunist Administration already mired in scandal and corruption about to take over and do God only knows what to this country for the next four years.
Meanwhile the media is preoccupied with Obama’s daughter and her first day at school, because you know, that’s the most important thing happening in the world right now.
I’m done with the news. Seriously. Ignorance is bliss after all, and I”ll be much happier sticking my fingers in my ears and playing Nancy Drew games until the Rapture comes.
Tags: al franken, corruption, hamas, Ignorance, Israel, media, Nancy Drew, Netflix, news, Obamanation, world
Categories: News Fit To Blog
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Tis the season to be as sick as a dog!
Lincoln Adams | December 24, 2008 @ 4:36 pmWell it’s Christmas Eve, and life still sucks big honking cheeseballs. Since I still haven’t met the one, I’m sticking to my time honored tradition of boycotting It’s A Wonderful Life until I do. 
I’ve been pretty scroogy this year compared to most for some reason. I had no desire to put up any decorations, I hardly listened to any Christmas tunes, and gift wrapping turned into a 3 hour event akin to trying to nail jello to the wall, even though I was only wrapping two presents. 
And now I have to work late Christmas Eve and cover for my coworkers who either took off or conveniently got sick, and on top of that the only two family members I have left both get sick as well, so everyone’s pretty much in a miserable mood here.
I’m probably gonna be getting some pretty suck mcducky presents too, but that’s to be expected since I insisted that no one buy me anything. Turns out that was unnecessary since no one was planning to get me anything anyway.
Thank God for Netflix right?? Well not really, since some tubby fat dingaling decided, “Hey wouldn’t it be a great idea to rent The Mummy and Caspian and then hoard it for a month until Christmas is over, thus ensuring that nobody else can reserve a copy from Netflix until the new year at least? Awesome!”
People. God do I hate them.
Fortunately though I managed to RedBox myself those two movies instead, while using Netflix to get X-Files and a few more Lost DVDs. That should help keep my mind off of the fact that nobody wubs me and that I’ll have only my teddy bear to keep me company as I watch these flicks and try to keep myself from crying into my tub of popcorn.
Ah well. There’s always next year, right? 
Really though, Christmas isn’t as bad as I’m making it sound, but I’d just as soon get this (and the crapfest of a year 2008 turned out to be) over with as quickly as possible.
And now with those slightly unpleasant thoughts out of the way, I wish you all the very merriest of Christmases, that you enjoy your time off with those you love, and that God continually grant you all joy, peace and health as we move forward into a new year. 
Tags: Christmas, christmas eve, coworkers, dvds, gift wrapping, movies, Netflix, new year, Redbox, tradition, wonderful life
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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I have decided to be a man…
Lincoln Adams | October 18, 2008 @ 2:18 pm… by running away from all my problems.
The last few days I’ve been following up on the latest political news, which I realize tends to put me in a violent, must-eradicate-all-liberals-on-Earth kinda mood. The last straw were all the personal attacks on Joe The Plumber, whose unforgiveable sin it seems had been that he asked a question.
But then I realized that despite spending so many hours reading up on the news, being well informed doesn’t really do anything for me except raise my blood pressure. See, I’m a guy who has no absolutely impact on anything that happens in the world, so why bother getting upset over things that I cannot possibly ever change? Indeed, the only thing I CAN change is myself. So I have decided to do just that… by withdrawing completely from reality and pursuing an escapist lifestyle where I can remain blissfully ignorant of everything that’s happening in the world.
I can see the wisdom now of barricading myself in my room with nothing but my desktop PC, a bundle of Netflix DVDs, a few bags of Tostitos and some cheese dip. I’d remove all the political/news feeds from my feedreader, lock out all the news channels on TV, then completely immerse myself in playing massive multiplayer games online (or perhaps my favorite Nancy Drew mystery games.) If I have a hankering for something more than chips, I can always order from Papa John’s and have them slide the pizza under my door.
Who says I don’t know how to enjoy life??
Tags: dvds, hermit, joe the plumber, liberals, life, lifestyle, Nancy Drew, Netflix, news, papa john, politics, tostitos
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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I want to join Netflix, does that make me an anti-social geekball?
Lincoln Adams | October 3, 2008 @ 10:43 pmI’m getting a little tired these days of stopping by Blockbuster and looking up and down and left to right for movies they never have, not to mention having to put up with adorable looking couples sassing each other and being so happy together that I just want to start lobbing DVD boxes at them for daring to pollute my air with their irritating public displays of affection. Just die, please.
Truth be told though, I rarely go to Blockbuster nowadays, opting instead to grab up DVDs at my supermarket, which has a Redbox Machine. But even that’s become an aggravating chore lately. Nothing quite puts me in the mood to wreak death and destruction upon mankind then having to wait behind somebody who takes their sweeeeeeeeeeeeet ass time checking the Redbox listings while I loudly tap my foot and check my watch, knowing I’ll have to pay a dollar more if I can’t jam my DVD back in there within the next three minutes.
“BITCH GET THE F*&^ OUT OF THE WAY I GOT TO RETURN THIS THING BEFORE 9PM CAN”T YOU SEE THAT DAMMIT TO HELL!?!?!”
So yeah, I think RedBox has pretty much lost its appeal as well. Solution? Netflix!! 
But as I surfed the site and prepared to sign up, a thought occurred to me: am I being too antisocial here?
It seems the more I go out there and run into the scum sucking, methane ripping porkbags otherwise known as the human race, the more I want to stay home and have everything including my groceries mail-ordered to me instead. Then I can just hide under the bed with my laptop and my Tostitos and play Nancy Drew games until the end of the world comes, which should be oh, shortly after people realize the bailout didn’t do zippy dinks to save the economy and The Great Depression Part 2: Obama Takes Us To Hell officially gets under way.
But then I think, perhaps I’m being too harsh here? That maybe, just maybe, with a sincere effort to go out there and connect with other human beings I’d end up finding some who are not so rudely vile and disgusting after all, and maybe even attract a nice girl for once in my life?
Nah. Indiana Jones first ever DVD in my Netflix queue baby!! BOOYAH! Now where are my Tostitos…
Tags: bailout, blockbuster, couples, dvds, economy, indiana jones, mankind, movies, Nancy Drew, Netflix, people, Redbox, supermarket, tostitos, world
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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