While I was out getting my ride cleaned up at the nearby self car wash, I noticed a couple behind me in an obnoxiously large pickup truck. The guy got out to get some change, so I glanced over to get a look at him. Fuzzy faced, sports cap on tight, shorts down to his kneecaps, and keys with a neckband so long it dragged across the ground as he approached the change machine. I couldn’t get a good look at the girl riding shotgun, but I could tell she was cute.

Normally, seeing a scum sucking scuzzbucket (apparently emulating Eminem or some other pasty white rapper wanna-be loser) like that with a girl would get me upset, but then I stepped back and took a deeper look here.

What was I getting upset about really? Because he had a girl, and I didn’t? But was it because no girl could ever want me, or was it simply because I had standards? Truthfully, I could go out right now and grab up some back alley ho that I could wrap my arm around and show off to all my friends if I really wanted to. But I wanted something better. I wasn’t content to have some two bit slut with the morals of a brain damaged monkey on crack in my life, just to prove that I could get a girl. I was looking for much more than that.

What’s really sad though is that even though I think my standards are reasonable enough, 80 percent of the single female population probably don’t measure up. Under ideal standards, 99.99 percent wouldn’t measure up, while the other .01 percent appear to live only in our dreams. Women today seem to vary from being skanks, whores, sluts, tramps, bimbolinas, etc., to being hellish female dogs spawned by Satan himself. Those who are godly, intelligent, kind and honest are an endangered species bordering on extinction, and even if I happen to come across one of them during my travels through life, there is usually some factor that would prevent me from pursuing them (like being married, for one). This is what our world has sadly has come to these days, and it is in this mess that I must somehow find the true girl of my dreams.

Yet as much as it would pain me to be alone, I recognize just how much MORE painful it would be to date a girl so obviously wrong for me, that to be with her would paradoxically make me feel even MORE alone and lost in the world.

It would seem impossible that I would ever meet anyone right for me, and yet despite the insurmountable odds I face here, I still have hope that she’s out there somewhere, a sweet and wonderful angel who is waiting and praying for me to come into her life soon. Call it delusion, insanity, or psychosis induced by food deprivation, but no matter what, this hope never seems to die. And for now, that will have to do as I fight to get my life in order again.

I think I need to change the focus of my blog a little bit. Most of my writing thus far has been utter monkey crap, so it’s obvious I haven’t found my niche just yet. I think the problem is that I’m trying too hard to mimic the style of the more successful blogs, and investing too much effort trying to scheme up ways to boost my traffic levels. I really should just write and be done with it, and let the rest take care of itself.

I’ve been a real mess lately, partly because this should have been the time I’d be starting law school and a brand new life, and instead I’m stuffing my face in with ho-hos while watching Grade-B horror flicks on the Sci-Fi channel. Probably not the best way to be spending the last days of summer, but, whatever.

So, where to go from here? Bottom line: I have a year to pull my self together before I start law school. That’s a year to get healthy again, pay off my debts, finish the rest of my law school prepping, and get myself bulked up so I can impress those impressionable law school chicks.

Problem is, it’s hard to stay motivated when I’m not even sure I’m going to law school. But then I consider the alternative… there IS no alternative. All I have now is a dead end job I’ve been working for 6 years, and 6 years could easily turn into 60 if I don’t start taking chances NOW. So… this is it. The next 12 months will either make me or break me. But I can do it, because I have the discipline and the will to go out there and accomplish great things, right? Right??

Oh hell.