So it’s looking like my server isn’t even going to be upgraded until Wednesday. Well screw it then. I’ll just continue blogging until I go out in a blaze of glory.

And oh, what’s this? The governor of New York allegedly gets caught hooking up with an alleged hoochie coochie ring, placing an alleged order for “Kristen” the very night before (wait for it….) Valentine’s Day. Allegedly.

Did I not tell you that day was cursed?

I feel sorry for the guy though. Man’s so ugly I bet even his wife won’t touch him unless the lights are out and she’s double blindfolded, so I could understand if he felt little choice but to go off the ranch for a little bit of bareback horse riding fun.

But dudes, have you seen the PRICES for them pro hos?

I mean, $5,500 an hour for one of their premier selections. An HOUR. Just getting a hug would probably set me back 3 days pay for crying out loud. I wouldn’t pay that kind of money if it meant rolling around in the hay with Jessica Alba… …ok I would, but still, we’re talking a lot of money here.

Makes me wonder if that’s going to be my future though. Is true love going to be such a lost cause for me that I would have no choice but to use my life’s savings to pay off a “working girl,” just so I can finally get one little night of snugglies and wubs?

What a cold, cold world we live in.

Based on my observations on how people make money online, one of the largest streams of income tend to come from affiliate marketing. I figured if I was ever going to make a living off the Internet myself, most of my attention and efforts would have to focus on generating commissions for affiliate programs I participate in.

After dabbling in this industry on and off for the past few months, I have come to this conclusion: I F*&%ING HATE AFFILIATE MARKETING.

The truth is, I’m not a salesman. In fact I utterly hate and despise everything about the business field, partly because it generally requires that you be a bottom feeding scum sucking scumbag in order to be successful. Not that everyone in this field is, but there’s a temptation to debase yourself and lie your fat baboon’s heinie off to rope naive consumers into buying the products you hawk. How anyone can do this on a full time basis is beyond me, but I guess the dollar signs in their eyes are enough to keep them going.

I tried to understand all the fine nuances of effective affiliate marketing, from running PPC campaigns to creating effective landing pages to formulating effective bidding strategies for high converting keywords, and on and on and on. My brain furiously protested this infusion of insane information, mostly by constipating itself and spiting me by making me forget what I apartment I lived in every time I went out to get the mail. And when I still continued to persist, my brain launched an all out attack by giving me nightmares of a naked Barbra Streisand chasing after me with a bullwhip and a bottle of suntan lotion. Eventually, I got the message.

The thing was, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was trying to learn something I had no passion or love for, and I did it only because that’s where the money seemed to be.

But I’m not a businessman. What I am, is a romantic. Someone who loves to take pictures, tell stories, sing songs, and dance and twirl in the summer rain to the tune of Air Supply. I wanted to celebrate life, not milk it. Affiliate marketing ran contrary not only to my moral structure, but also to who I was as a person. The more I tried to persist in learning all the tricks of the trade, the more miserable I became. It’s not worth it.

In the end I decided to limit any affiliated related marketing I do in the future to products I actually use myself. If people decide to buy through my affiliate links, great, and if they don’t, the sun will still come up tomorrow.

I’ll just have to find nontraditional ways to generate income online, which is fine by me. Whatever sets me apart from the rest, it’s all for the best, and even if I don’t know how I’ll do it, I believe I can make success…

….out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at alllllll….

Out of nothing at alllllllllllllll….

Well I didn’t ask for it, but I’m now in the middle of a poop storm, and I’m gonna have to fight my way out of it.

I’ll tell you something though: I hate unions. @#% hate ‘em. They steal my money by calling it dues, then use it to fund political candidates I can’t stand, or organize picnics I’ll never go to. But when it comes down to them actually doing something constructive, like defending my civil rights, they can’t be bothered.

I have been blown off, ridiculed, and talked down to now not by my supervisors, but by my own damned union reps. Hey guys, how about you take those dues you expect me to pay and shove ‘em up your fat a…

But anyway, this concluded day three of being jerked around by my overrated “advocates,” so now I’m gonna play hardball. I’m setting up an appointment with the head honcho of our agency, and hopefully I’ll be able to resolve it then. I’m not asking for much now, just a transfer out so I can be removed from this situation, but these union guys act like I’m asking for a boatload of cash and a tropical island.

And they don’t think I have a case. My ass. If the ACLU thinks I have a case, I have a case, and I have the documents, recordings and the pictures to back it up too. If they force me to go “scorched earth” on them I will, and I will BURN this place. Scumbags.

Y’all messed with the wrong Italian this time.

I just spent the last few days squashing some of the remaining bugs on my site, and I’m telling ya, these were cyber cockroaches from hell. I stomp one bug, and another one shows up, stomp that one, then another shows up.

It’s the kind of thing that could suck up whole days of my life if I’m not careful. I see a problem and I think “ohh, let me just tweak this one lil’ thing, shouldn’t take more than a few seconds…” Next thing I know it’s Wednesday, and I had started tweaking that lil’ thing on Sunday. Whether it’s some coding error with a plugin, a flickering bug in IE6, or the layout being a few pixels off in browsers like Safari, I was just resolved to fix every remaining issue on my site so I could finally put it behind me and delve into my real passion, which had always been writing (blogging).

As for web design and all that that entails, it was a good learning experience but man, I have just about had enough of this crap. Next time I want my blog redesigned, I’m hiring a super web guru from Silicon Valley to do it for me. I of course expect to be making some money off my blog by that time, so I should be able to afford it when the time comes.

I hope.

I won a prize! No, it wasn’t money. No it wasn’t a date with Jessica Alba. So what did I win you ask? Lookie here:

Yep, in what I am now convinced is a global conspiracy to obliterate whatever ounce of manhood I had left over from 31 years of pain, agony, and surviving Backstreet Boys mania, Danielle from Pink Internet Marketing has declared me the random winner of her fluffy pink bear.

Still, I will accept this cuddly bundle of cuteness on Danielle’s promise that it will someday help me win over the heart of my future honey pot bon bon bunnycakes, whoever she may be.

Assuming of course, she can get past the fact that the studly man of her dreams now keeps a pink teddy bear in his bedroom.

I just turned down $50 worth of review requests for my site from ReviewMe. I must be smoking something, cuz money is money, ain’t that right honey?

One review request was for a directory I already did a review on, so I’m not sure why they wanted another one, and the last one was for a casino gambling site. That was really a no-brainer though, I mean the idea of getting some coins for writing a review of a gambling site on what’s meant to be a Christian oriented blog just seemed silly to me.

It is getting tiresome though to jump for joy upon getting a review request in my inbox, only to learn that the advertiser making the request deals in casino/poker/viagra/loan consolidation related websites. You’d think these were the only businesses that existed on the Internet. There has to be more out there though. Doesn’t anyone want me to review a suspense novel for them? Or maybe critique a company site specializing in developing simulations for SWAT teams? I mean come on, where are all the REAL businesses for crying out loud? At least offer something that might actually be related to my blog’s theme for once (whatever the hell my theme is supposed to be anyhow).