By being an absent-minded schmuck monkey, that’s how.

You know how you can opt for “cash back” when you use your debit card at the supermarket? I needed some cash so I could use the vending machines at work the other day, so I punched in for $10, took my receipt and groceries, then walked out. And completely forgot to take my $10.

And of course I don’t realize this until hours later too, so no chance of going back and retrieving it either.

This wouldn’t be so bad… except that today I did it AGAIN, opting for $10 cash back and then once again completely forgetting to take it.

I hope whoever ended up with my money got a good meal out of it at least.

The question for the ages.

Actually I’ve been working behind the scenes trying to boost my traffic levels (with less than stellar success I might add), and also working to get another ad network going to fill my ad spaces. I’m actually amazed by the income ratio I’m seeing so far. If it continues to hold, my eCPM would be around $10, meaning for every 1000 pageviews this blog gets I would earn $10. It’s not earth shattering by any means, but considering the typical eCPM for those who use Google Adsense is around $1 to $2, it’s not bad either. My goal is to eventually net around $40 a day (or $1250 a month), so I’ll have to continue my efforts to boost my eCPM and bring more traffic in.

Speaking of which, there is one more thing I can try, sort of like a last ditch effort to bring in the level of traffic I want, but it’s EXPENSIVE, and it still requires a lot of work. The good news is I can use my previous blog earnings to pay for the first month (it’s done on a subscription basis), and if the results are effective, the higher ad revenues that result should be enough to front the costs and still net me a profit.

Maybe. If it fails, I’ll pretty much will have lost all the money I’ve ever made via blogging up to this point. Ah well, I’ll just have to believe that fortune will continue to favor the brave.

And the reckless.

A visitor to my blog sent this email:

Name: kunki

Message: I want to learn how to make money. Thank you

My response:

Dear kunki,

Get a job.

Warmest regards,
Lincoln

P.S. That advice didn’t come free. Please send me $10 payment via Paypal or I will send green monkeys after you.

So it’s looking like my server isn’t even going to be upgraded until Wednesday. Well screw it then. I’ll just continue blogging until I go out in a blaze of glory.

And oh, what’s this? The governor of New York allegedly gets caught hooking up with an alleged hoochie coochie ring, placing an alleged order for “Kristen” the very night before (wait for it….) Valentine’s Day. Allegedly.

Did I not tell you that day was cursed?

I feel sorry for the guy though. Man’s so ugly I bet even his wife won’t touch him unless the lights are out and she’s double blindfolded, so I could understand if he felt little choice but to go off the ranch for a little bit of bareback horse riding fun.

But dudes, have you seen the PRICES for them pro hos?

I mean, $5,500 an hour for one of their premier selections. An HOUR. Just getting a hug would probably set me back 3 days pay for crying out loud. I wouldn’t pay that kind of money if it meant rolling around in the hay with Jessica Alba… …ok I would, but still, we’re talking a lot of money here.

Makes me wonder if that’s going to be my future though. Is true love going to be such a lost cause for me that I would have no choice but to use my life’s savings to pay off a “working girl,” just so I can finally get one little night of snugglies and wubs?

What a cold, cold world we live in.

Based on my observations on how people make money online, one of the largest streams of income tend to come from affiliate marketing. I figured if I was ever going to make a living off the Internet myself, most of my attention and efforts would have to focus on generating commissions for affiliate programs I participate in.

After dabbling in this industry on and off for the past few months, I have come to this conclusion: I F*&%ING HATE AFFILIATE MARKETING.

The truth is, I’m not a salesman. In fact I utterly hate and despise everything about the business field, partly because it generally requires that you be a bottom feeding scum sucking scumbag in order to be successful. Not that everyone in this field is, but there’s a temptation to debase yourself and lie your fat baboon’s heinie off to rope naive consumers into buying the products you hawk. How anyone can do this on a full time basis is beyond me, but I guess the dollar signs in their eyes are enough to keep them going.

I tried to understand all the fine nuances of effective affiliate marketing, from running PPC campaigns to creating effective landing pages to formulating effective bidding strategies for high converting keywords, and on and on and on. My brain furiously protested this infusion of insane information, mostly by constipating itself and spiting me by making me forget what I apartment I lived in every time I went out to get the mail. And when I still continued to persist, my brain launched an all out attack by giving me nightmares of a naked Barbra Streisand chasing after me with a bullwhip and a bottle of suntan lotion. Eventually, I got the message.

The thing was, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was trying to learn something I had no passion or love for, and I did it only because that’s where the money seemed to be.

But I’m not a businessman. What I am, is a romantic. Someone who loves to take pictures, tell stories, sing songs, and dance and twirl in the summer rain to the tune of Air Supply. I wanted to celebrate life, not milk it. Affiliate marketing ran contrary not only to my moral structure, but also to who I was as a person. The more I tried to persist in learning all the tricks of the trade, the more miserable I became. It’s not worth it.

In the end I decided to limit any affiliated related marketing I do in the future to products I actually use myself. If people decide to buy through my affiliate links, great, and if they don’t, the sun will still come up tomorrow.

I’ll just have to find nontraditional ways to generate income online, which is fine by me. Whatever sets me apart from the rest, it’s all for the best, and even if I don’t know how I’ll do it, I believe I can make success…

….out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at alllllll….

Out of nothing at alllllllllllllll….

Well I didn’t ask for it, but I’m now in the middle of a poop storm, and I’m gonna have to fight my way out of it.

I’ll tell you something though: I hate unions. @#% hate ‘em. They steal my money by calling it dues, then use it to fund political candidates I can’t stand, or organize picnics I’ll never go to. But when it comes down to them actually doing something constructive, like defending my civil rights, they can’t be bothered.

I have been blown off, ridiculed, and talked down to now not by my supervisors, but by my own damned union reps. Hey guys, how about you take those dues you expect me to pay and shove ‘em up your fat a…

But anyway, this concluded day three of being jerked around by my overrated “advocates,” so now I’m gonna play hardball. I’m setting up an appointment with the head honcho of our agency, and hopefully I’ll be able to resolve it then. I’m not asking for much now, just a transfer out so I can be removed from this situation, but these union guys act like I’m asking for a boatload of cash and a tropical island.

And they don’t think I have a case. My ass. If the ACLU thinks I have a case, I have a case, and I have the documents, recordings and the pictures to back it up too. If they force me to go “scorched earth” on them I will, and I will BURN this place. Scumbags.

Y’all messed with the wrong Italian this time.