Occasionally, I tend to feel a bit guilty when I openly express my refusal to date women with man faces, land whale figures, or sporting more outlandish tattoos than a gay biker at a Blue Oyster bar.

But there are times when I literally cannot look upon a woman beast, partly because I just had lunch and would really like to complete the digestive process if you don’t mind, thank you very much. Oy.

As if that wasn’t enough, I can’t even accept as beautiful what Hollywood and Glamour magazine considers beautiful. I mean, I can see that they’re pretty by society’s standards, but even when they’re pretty they’re just… ugly. Case in point: Sarah Jessica Parker. UGLY. Julia Roberts. UGLY. Even Scarlett Johansson can’t get my engine going. And don’t even get me started on Tiger Woods’ hos. Seriously, all that money and you can’t find better looking monkey sluts? FAIL.

Anyhoo, I guess what I’m saying here is that I have very particular tastes when it comes to looks, and it’s not something I can really convey into words. They either got it, or they don’t. Or maybe I don’t think they got it at first, but after enough interaction and watching them act all girlie and stuff, I realize they not only got it, but they got it in spades. Mmmm mmm MMMM. (And then of course, they go off to marry a biker.)

So, does that make me shallow? I’m pretty sure it does, but here’s why I’m ok with that: women are worse. MUCH worse.

Almost ALWAYS without exception, the first thing I see in any personal ad by any women from here to Zimbabwe is their requirement that a man must be at least fill-in-the-blank tall. They start out by demanding the one physical criteria that men have absolutely no flipping control over whatsoever. I seriously have to thank God I clocked in at an average height here, or I’d be screwed royally six ways from Sunday. Even then I’m not tall enough to meet the standards of a significant amount of women.

And of course, women will also objectify men based on his looks, status, intelligence, earning power, the kind of shoes he wears and the car he drives. Yep, all things (with the possible exception of intelligence) that can truly define a man’s soul. Pffttt.

The irony of it all is that I’m actually ok with this too. We’re all disgustingly shallow beings here if we were to be completely honest with ourselves. And besides, it’s not without merit to judge a man according to his earning power for example (I make a crapload of money now by the way), just as it’s not without merit for me to expect that a woman should not look like the second coming of Jabba the Hut either.

I’m not stupid though. If I set a high bar for the women I meet, then I have to apply those same standards to myself as well. And if that means taking a shower more than once a week, well then… so be it. Better hygiene, better clothes, and possibly a medieval torture machine so I can stretch my height just a few inches more, yep, I’ll do all that and more if it makes her happy.

Tags: beautiful, men, physical criteria, shallow, standards, ugly, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Like a biblical plague devouring even the deepest corners of the Internet, creepy little dingalings are setting tech-savvy women on edge everywhere with their oh-so-creepy tweets, Facebook pokes, unwelcome emails and unwanted IM chats, and by doing so they have made it even more difficult for me to find my Cuddle Pot Bon Bon Bunny Cakes online.

I can understand now why many women would choose to put up avatars depicting a haggish looking 100 year old female who looks like she had been dug up and photographed for a museum exhibit instead of a real picture of themselves, or why they would say they’re married to an ex-Marine who keep a running scorecard of all the terrorists he kills (which would include people who look at his wife funny.)

Join an internet chatroom under the screen name “Butch123″ and you will go virtually ignored.  Join the same chatroom under the screen name “cutegirl115″ and you will have inadvertently kicked off the rock hiding the most disturbing elements of the cyber underworld, as every creepy horned up moochbag descends on you in the futile and ridiculously vain hope that they will somehow be able to seduce you with their 10 years out of date pickup lines, or the JPG images of them rubbing Mommy’s feet, or by impressing you their exciting recaps of adventures they’ve had in the past week, which would include being mugged by a gang of 8 year old boys, utterly oblivious to the fact that this is not the sort of thing that’s likely to make a girl swoon over them.

But still they press on, like the virginal roaches that they are, creeping over every nook and cranny of the Internet, writing pathetic little odes to the current object of their affection on their blogs, serenading women on Facebook with rock ballads that aren’t even from the 80s, or chest thumping their overinflated sense of manhood on Twitter while they chow down on Cheetos.

It is time for the madness to end.  It is time that we manly studs rise up and lay the ultimate who’s-your-daddy smackdown on our creepy counterparts.  They are a disgrace, pestilence, a blight on the human race.  Let us trample their Cheetos, break their XBoxes, and hack their Facebook profiles!  Let us crush their fragile little weenieballs with the mallet of our well earned machismo!

Let us take back the Net, not just for us, but for our wimmins, that they may reward us handsomely for saving them from these creepsters with lots of smoochies and coochie coos!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!

Tags: chatroom, creepsters, creepy, internet, manhood, manly, men, women
Categories: Comic Relief
 
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I hate dating experts.  You can’t find a more execrable lot who dispenses either the kind of common sense advice that even a monkey with half a brain wasted on whiskey would know, or a truckload of compost heap designed to liberate you of your wallet money before you realize you’ve been had, and no, Pickup Step #12 wasn’t the sure winner they said it would be after all.  Dating experts are like lawyers, they over complicate what should be simple matters, because if they didn’t, there’d be no business for them.  This is why they should all be rounded up and sent to some death camp somewhere (Florida, maybe?)

Still, I was bored today and ended up reading this series of interviews with 3 popular male dating experts.

And now I feel like blowing sh__ up.

You get advice like don’t be altruistic because women won’t find it sincere, or if I end up getting stuck in the friend zone I should get a new haircut and maybe change my cologne, or my personal favorite, I should try withholding my name intentionally when introducing myself to a girl, that way if she asks me what it is, I’ll know she’s interested, and if she doesn’t, then that means I should move on.

Because you know, there’s just no way to tell if a girl is into you right off the bat without being a rude little bastard.

BUT, it’s agreed that I can still be myself… only the best part of myself that is.  The bad parts I should be  burying in secrecy until we tie the knot, at which point I can then safely make known the depths and widths of my obscenely ugly personality.

Yes I can see myself getting far with these little gems of wisdom.

Oh, and the niceness thing?  We gotta knock that crap off:

Because nice guys are weak guys. They wear their heart on their sleeve and they don’t make the girl work for it. …What happens is that the guy says, “I had a good time, did you? Can I see you again? You’re really a nice girl! You’re sure good looking.” This girl is 28, she’s good looking, and ever since she was 12, guys have been telling her she’s beautiful. So, what effect does that compliment have? It’s a negative.

You know, there’s a difference between being nice and being a weenie, but unfortunately the two often get lumped together as being the same.  If a girl is really into me, of course I’d want to treat her like a queen because she’s genuinely interested in me,  not because she’s a blowtorch of a man hater with plans to dominate me and crush my precious balls so she can win another one for the home team.  She cares about who I am.  That in itself is a trait so rare that it behooves me not to respond in a showering of wubsy wubs and affection.

And really, complimenting her is not a negative, dumbass.  You know why it was a negative before?  Because all those guys telling her how beautiful she was said it because they wanted to get into her pantie wanties.  If a decent guy says it and actually MEANS it though, she should pick up on that and realize she’s finally got something genuine here, and she’ll appreciate his kindness because they come straight from the heart.

Because seriously dude, if she can’t handle being treated like gold by a nice guy (who’s not a weenie), isn’t that an indication that there’s something wrong with HER?  So why does all of mankind have to adapt themselves to accommodate this particularly large segment of fruity nuts bitchdom?  I know why, because you are all a bunch of disgusting horndogs who will do and say anything to get laid.  MEN.  They are the most damned stupidest piggish pig-like pig-borking piggyback pigger pigs to have ever graced creation, honest to God.  When they’re not busy scratching and rubbing their 9 months pregnant sized hairy ass bellies, they’re busy letting one fly while they expound on the intricacies of the latest scores in sports or how they’d like to hit every walking thing within 100 yards that passes for a female, and yet they profoundly believe this is what passes for intelligent discussion.

Ok, that got away from me a little.   Back to the women bashing here.  I noticed they wrap things up by conceding what we’ve known all along, that women are in fact attracted to money and power, only here they try to soften the blow by saying women are attracted to guys with wealth and status, which translates into, uh, money and power.

Sigh.  Remember back when life was simpler and marriages were arranged and we could all marry our cousins and sisters without anyone blinking an eye?  I miss those days.

Tags: advice, affection, dating, dating experts, dating gurus, love, men, nice guys, personality, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Many thanks in advance! Oh, make sure you exclude me, of course.

There are certain things in life that I simply cannot abide by, such as broccoli, rap music, humidity, and last but not least, obnoxiously rude Christians.

I was on the wrong end of this when I emailed no less than five girls on a social networking site who proudly proclaimed their Christianity… and got ignored by all five.

Now I’d expect this kind of rudeness from the French (or people from Brooklyn, where I would have been insulted if they hadn’t flipped me off), but Christians?

Really, let’s think about this. You say you’re a Christian, I say I’m a Christian. At the very least that makes me your brother in Christ, does it not? If I email you expressing interest in getting to know you better, even if it’s just as a penpal, what the *&%$ does it take to fire off a quick but polite message letting me know you’re not interested, or you don’t have time, or whatever? Honestly, you wouldn’t blow off a flesh and blood sibling like this, would you? Well maybe you would, I dunno. You certainly got icy cold water running through your veins, so who knows, if your mother was having a heart attack you’d probably step over her crumpled body on your way to the beauty salon.

Now naturally, because I think the world revolves around me, I’m of the opinion that Christians exist for no other reason than just to frost my cookies. But I got IMed from a girl living in the Bible belt the other day, and she actually turned out to be a pretty decent person. What she told me about her dating experiences was pretty telling. Every guy that she’s dated in the past few years claimed to be a Christian or attended her church. And yet EVERY single one of them wanted booty, and when she wouldn’t give it to them, they dumped her.

I could understand if one or two wanted to roll around in bed with her, probably just faking their way through church so they can get a little Christian butt-cheeks action.

ALL of them though??? In the Bible belt??

If that doesn’t tell me that the destruction of America’s churches today have become a foregone conclusion, nothing will. That’s what happens when you turn once holy gatherings into social clubs to cater to our every whim. Congratulations Rick Warren, this is what you have wrought, you fat disgusting pig.

Still, I’m glad to see I’m not the ONLY one out there struggling, and for now at least, I have a penpal who gets me… at least until she realizes what a belligerent crab I can be.

Tags: apostasy, christian, church, churches, dating, hypocrisy, men, penpal, rick warren, rudeness, sexual immorality, women
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
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I recently got an email from a reader who said I was the perfect match for her sister, so I sent her sister an email and we shared a few things about ourselves. Here’s what I learn about her:

She loves to fish in Alaska and went to college on a football scholarship. Even worse, she’s from Tennessee. No offense to the natives of the state of course, I just think you’re all a bunch of donkey hicks (though I’ll make an exception for this gal here, only because she knows me and if I didn’t she’d hunt me down like a dog and saw my legs off.)

Anyhoo, after inquiring a bit further about this football thingie in the vain hope that colleges also extend football scholarships to cheerleaders as well, evidently she got the scholarship as a result of being the equipment manager for her team, and has been entertaining a life long dream of being a contracts agent. She majored in sports admin and now works as a… paralegal.

My final “Oh My God Get The &^%$ Away From Me!” note to her went as follows:

Dear “Meg,”

You’re either a man or a very, very ugly looking woman. If you’re wondering why you might be having trouble finding guys to date, the spitting and scratching your privates (of which you have none) while you hang out with your football buddies might clue you in somewhat. Maybe it’s not your fault though, just the fact that you live in a state with an in-bred population that rivals only Utah in numbers, and as a result it’s often hard to tell the gender apart.

I’m not sure why your sister thought I’d be a good match for you though. Maybe she felt I’d be able to help you discover your feminine side by offering you the love that only a fine, studly man like me could give. Yet despite the fact that I have been known to work miracles every now and then, sad to say, I simply cannot bend the laws of physics to my will in order to transform you from a hairy, lumbering, mountain man-thing to a soft, doe-eyed work of womanly art that I would be proud to roll around in the hay with.

So, best of luck to ya, hope you do fulfill your dreams of being an agent, and who knows, maybe I’ll read about you someday in Sports Illustrated, though it quite obviously won’t be the swimsuit edition.

Much Love,
Lincoln

Tags: college, dating, dear john, email, football, men, scholarship, tennessee, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Ever since I’ve began to get some feeling back in my hands once I started tying up icepacks to them, a thought occurred to me.

Women are to blame for all of my health issues.

Wait, I’m going somewhere with this. See for guys, when it comes to taking care of ourselves and improving our general health, we’re pretty much… what’s the word, a bunch of schmucks.

We could wake up with the left side of our bodies completely paralyzed, but as long as it doesn’t stop us from getting our clothes on and driving to work, we won’t really think much of it, the same way we won’t concerned much if a car backblows 3 quarts of oil out its exhaust pipes, as long as its considered otherwise drivable. Minor things like half body paralysis (or a black cloud of smoke bellowing out of the engine of a car) don’t really bother us too much, so long as we can still get from Point A to Point B.

Women though, have this tendency where if they so much as suffer a mild discomfort, they’ll go into a complete system shutdown while they conduct extensive full body scans to determine what’s going on. But more importantly, they’ll do that for the people they love too. It’s what helps them make great mothers and doctors.

Unfortunately for me though, Mommy thinks I’m quite old enough to take care of myself now, yet I still have to reminded that there are things out there such as bandages and Tylenol, so no, I don’t have to go to bed with unbandaged scrapes oozing blood onto the spreadsheets, or wail over a pounding headache that a little Motrin IB could have fixed up right away.

Had life not have been so cruel, had I met a special girl early on, she could have kept me healthy, bandaged up my wounds, and kissed all the booboos, especially the one that was in my heart. So I blame women, (or rather the absence of one), for my current plight. You could have fixed me up and made me a better man, but instead, all that’s left of me now is a wounded rabid animal hellbent on ridding this planet of your vile kind. May the skies rain down hellfire and brimstone on all you filthy harlots of Babylon, all because one of you just couldn’t wubs me.

YOU GIRLISH MANIACS!!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!

Tags: booboos, girls, guys, health, healthy, love, men, sick, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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