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Owner of a Lonely Heart!
Lincoln Adams | February 14, 2009 @ 9:00 amMOVE YOURSELF!
You always live your life,
Never thinking of the future…
PROVE YOURSELF!
You are the move you make,
Take your chances winner/loser…
I was planning to blog a short series of posts given the unusual lineup of Friday the 13th being followed by Valentine’s Day this year. Ironically enough both days have significant meanings to me. One of the worst days of my life happened on Valentine’s Day, while my career plans to attend law school effectively ended on a Friday the 13th.
Instead I got caught up staring at my server logs all day long because my blog kept going down in flames during heavy traffic spikes, and I couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point that I was ready to quit blogging once and for all. That’s how upset I was.
In a way I feel like this is it, the last option I have in weaving a career and a life that I could be happy with. And given the times we live in today, I don’t think I could have picked anything as monumentally stupid to stake my future on than this. But I felt like I had no choice. God had closed every other door I tried, to the point that it seems like my destiny will amount to nothing more than working a deadend job and living with Mommy dearest until I die of a brain tumor.
And just to make sure I absolutely know what a miserable failure I am, let’s have a blogging success story that I can only dream about thrown in my face the very same day I spend hours crying and tearing my hair out over my own malfunctioning blog. Yes, let’s do that, because God knows my batter and bruised esteem simply hasn’t been stomped on enough throughout the years.
Why does that happen anyway? Am I imagining this? Because it seems like whenever I’m at a pivotal point where I endure a major setback or failure, right at my lowest moment I get bashed over the head by the prosperity and success of others close to me. What the hell, dude.
It seems like the entire universe is conspiring together to either drive me to suicide or a catatonic state where I spend the rest of my days staring at the wall of a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home. I don’t get it. I don’t get why all of life is determined to crush whatever hope is left in me, and that it actually seems to step up its efforts to do so on Valentine’s Day.
SEE YOURSELF!
You are the steps you take,
You and you – and that’s the only way…
SHAKE - SHAKE YOURSELF!
You’re every move you make,
So the story goes…
There does come a point where I have to shake the hurt off and move on though. And I guess this year is going to be all about accomplishing just that. I can either move forward and push just as hard as life keeps pushing me until I finally prevail, or I can lay down and die, both spiritual and physically. But no matter how beaten down I’ve been, that hope that’s still flickering somewhere inside me continues to survive, and as long as it’s there, I don’t think I’ll ever truly give up. I may despair and cry and whine and wail at times (ok, a lot of times), but though I am cast down, I am not defeated, and my heart may be lonely, but it isn’t broken yet.
So go blow it out your ying yang Valentine’s Day, and whatever dark forces that keep conspiring to put an end to me, because I am not going to go silently into that good night. Bring on the noise. 
WATCH IT NOW – the eagle in the sky,
How he dancin’ one and only…
YOU – lose yourself,
No not for pity’s sake,
There’s no real reason to be lonely…
BE YOURSELF - give your free will a chance,
You’ve got to work to succeed!
Tags: blog, blogging, career, career plan, conspiracy, destiny, failure, fight, friday the 13th, future, God, job, law school, life, lonely, meaning, server, success, Valentine
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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Lincoln Adams | March 26, 2007 @ 8:11 pmI think my very existence could serve as living proof that it’s possible for God to make mistakes. From my direction-less life to my uncanny ability to make bitter enemies in a nanosecond, I wonder if I’d be able to singlehandedly restore the natural order of the universe simply by walking in front of a moving train. Would it really be a sin for me to finally set things right by bringing about my own demise? Makes me wonder…
Anyhoo, the deadline for the two law schools I applied to is fast approaching. Even though I pretty much wrote off attending law school altogether, it became official for one school today when I mailed in my withdrawal notice. For the other school though, the deadline isn’t until April 13th. And admittedly, things have gotten a little interesting here. There’s been some ongoing changes at my job, part of what may appear to be the phasing out of our traditional nightly work load. If that’s the case, it’s possible my working hours will change from the evening shift to a day shift instead. And if that happens, it would render the issue of getting classes scheduled around my working hours during the day totally moot. I’d then be able to take all my classes at night without any scheduling conflicts at all.
This is all a BIG maybe though. Even if that did happen, I’d have to know for sure before the deadline, and on top of that I’d have to receive some confirmation from the LORD that this is what He wants me to do (yes I’m a Christian, and weirdly enough I would actually like to receive God’s blessing before venturing into a new and risky profession. If that freaks you out, then take some valium and sod off.)
I don’t think anything is going to pan out though, especially if I am to prescribe to my theory that my total existence thus far has been one huge cosmic mistake. But then again, there’s still a little part of me that hopes otherwise, and hope (as they say in the Shawshank Redemption) is a good thing… maybe even the best of things.
And for now, it’s all I have.
Tags: christian, confirmation, conflicts, death, demise, enemies, existence, freaks, job, law school, law schools, life, living proof, lord, meaning, mistake, moving train, nanosecond, prayer, profession, purpose, schedule, shawshank redemption, sod, suicide, valium
Categories: Legally Speaking, Lincoln's Personal Log
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