Got an email today from a dating service inviting me to join their affiliate program. Yawn.

But then I noticed this:

Ashley Madison is the premiere online dating agency of its kind designed for people in a relationship, either married or otherwise, who are interested in having romantic and intriguing experiences outside of their relationship…

Holy jumping jiminy jam jimbos…

It does beg the question though: has the dating pool become so pitiful these days that one has no choice but to start hitting up married folks for some loving? I have to admit though, I’ve been tempted at times. There’s two hot coworkers I can think of who are happily married (I guess), but man, what I wouldn’t do for a little coochie coo…

I mean come on, so what if a gal drops her skag of a husband to go rolling around in the hay with me, proving without a doubt that she has no sense of loyalty, faithfulness or moral fiber whatsoever? Biiiiiiiiiiiig deal. I mean all that talk about soulmates and one true loves, pftttttttttt, that is so 10 minutes ago. It’s all fairy tales and bunk anyway. We live in the REAL world now, doncha know?

I’m telling you man, a dating service like this just can’t miss!

Internet dating sites have now become a huge industry, with thousands of sites dedicated to either providing dating advice or dating related services. This particular industry though seems to be HIGHLY plagued by online dating sites that may in fact be craftily designed splogs (automated blogs created for the primary purpose of spamming visitors), and crooksters looking to score off your dating misery.

These type of sites can be very hard to detect sometimes, but if you have pretty good intuition, maybe you’ll get a feeling like I do that something just seems to be a little bit… off here.

That’s how I felt about the site Online Dating Tips. Upon my first visit it seemed innocent enough, tightly coded, aesthetic design, speedy load, etc.. However, it also seemed light on the content, and heavy on the affiliate links. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that apparently EVERY external link on that site was in fact a cloaked affiliate link to some of the biggest dating services on the Internet.

Hmmmm….

The content itself is split into several categories containing very short articles, which is easy to read and to be fair, really does offer some sound advice, BUT… you get the strange sense that you’ve already read it all before. Additionally, for a site that purports to be an authority on how to use online personals, it certainly comes across as a bit… impersonal. There are no personal testimonies, and no heart warming anecdotes to encourage the reader with. It all seems very bland and emotionless.

There’s a reason for this though: the content is not original. At all. My suspicions were confirmed when I copied and pasted a particular phrase from an article here and did a Google search with it. The phrase I copied was:

“Is it possible to find a soul mate online through a dating service? You bet it is…”

And lookie see here, I found another article that starts the same way. In fact, it’s the very same article. But wait! Here’s another copy of the same article. And another one here, and here, and here and…

Hmmmmmmmmm….

Could be this “dating tips” site isn’t interested in the slightest bit about helping you find your loved one, but it does seem very interested in liberating you of your money through affiliate profits. Look, I don’t begrudge anyone who does affiliate marketing since I do it too, but if that’s their only purpose and they have no intention of offering anything of value in return, then they need to get their boonie boons spanked silly.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m devastated. And here I thought I found a place where people cared. Where people truly understood my sad plight and heartfelt desire to find a snuggly tookie tums butter pot cuddle pie to call my own.

Alas, alas, it appears that such is not the case here, and I shall have to continue my search elsewhere.

Slate isn’t yet on my block list, which is why I was able to come across yet another one of their lame articles, this one espousing on the issue of sex and religion in the lives of American teenagers.

The central emphasis of the article of course was on the usual liberal notion of how promoting abstinence encourages even more booty calls. But then I found this particular gem:
 

What really matters is not which religion teenagers identify with but how strongly they identify. After controlling for all factors (family satisfaction, popularity, income), religion matters much less than religiosity. Among the mass of typically promiscuous teenagers in the book, one group stands out: the 16 percent of American teens who describe religion as “extremely important” in their lives. When these guys pledge, they mean it.

So let me see if I have this right: those who actually take their religion seriously are far less likely to be plowing the field. And this is newsworthy… why again?

If anything, it only reinforces the rather obvious point that a large number (if not the vast majority) of young people claiming to be Christians today are pretty much full of it. They may pay lip service to God, attend church regularly, and speak the language of “Evangelese,” but they are about as much Christian as this bottle of Pepsi I’m drinking here. Look, you guys want to roll around in the hay, or get hammered at college frat parties and wake up in strange places the next day, or flash truckers driving the opposite way, or unabashedly drop f-bombs because it makes you feel like a Soprano, then go right ahead. Just don’t call yourself a Christian. It really frosts my cookies when you do.

I think part of the reason why I get all bent out of shape over this is because it doesn’t exactly make my search for THE ONE any easier. I want to meet a nice CHRISTIAN girl, but now that even bra burning, baby killing streetwalkers are touting themselves as children of the kingdom, this sort of makes my efforts to find a virtuous snuggly pie a little daunting, to say the least. Honestly, if the profiles from dating sites like Match.com were to be believed, then just about 99 percent of the women on there are Christians. But if I’m to be the 31st guy in the supermarket express line that is the sex life of many of these “Christian” Match girls, then I think they might want to do a little more soul searching to discover just what exactly their true religion really is.

Out of boredom and curiosity, I decided to do some random web surfing (via StumbleUpon) by using the keywords “girl of my dreams.” As a result the very first site I was taken to was the Global Incident Map for terrorism and other suspicious events.

Somehow, I don’t think StumbleUpon will prove to be an effective tool in helping me find my future snuggle cakes.

My subscription to Match.com expired recently, concluding yet another sad chapter in my never ending search to find my snuggle bunny. I got over 300 views, and of those who read my profile and sent me winks, many were either 19 year old single mothers with 5 kids looking for a Daddy, 40-something year olds looking for a boy toy, or Russian women looking for a visa. I actually paid money for this?

There’s little doubt Match.com has been amongst the crappiest crappity-crap crapfest of a craphole dating site I’ve ever used. And what irks me even more is their glowing boast of how millions subscribe to their dating service, yet what they don’t tell you is that those “millions” get shrunk to thousands by state, then down to hundreds by locality, then to dozens when ruling out the whackos, then to one who is PERFECT for you, but just as you’re about to wink at her, she closes down her account after the guy at work finally works up the moxie to ask her out.

You would think an alternative dating site might prove more fruitful, but it seems the same women can be found on these sites as well. And I don’t mean similar people mind you, I mean the SAME EXACT women. Evidently this is the choice I’m left with: pay 30 dollars a month for one dating site, and if I’m unhappy with it, I can cancel my account and sign up for a completely unrelated matchmaking site for only 10 dollars more a month, offering… uh…. the same exact group of single women.

I’m beginning to think ringing up the DC Madam might not be such a bad idea after all. What I don’t get though is how some of the brothers can sign up for these very same sites and meet the girl of their dreams 30 seconds later. Fine. Here’s a toast hoping your marriages end just as quickly, where your precious love is replaced by alimony and child support payments that quite unfortunately for you will never, ever end. So there. Bastards.

But I’m not bitter.

Really though, I’m getting tired of you fricking happy dappy, lovey dovey, smoochie woochie herd of pervs always getting in my face no matter where I go. I can’t enjoy a hot chocolate at Starbucks without you sitting next to me and nuzzling noses. I can’t watch a movie without you guys sucking faces or stroking each other’s hair front and center. I can’t even go to the park and just try to enjoy the mother-fricking nice spring weather without seeing a whole parade of you walking around holding hands, or playing kissy faces, or rolling around on the grass as if the world were your very own bedroom.

May you all spontaneously combust into ashes. May the plague of mankind descend on you like molten lava on a village. May the wasps of a thousand hives sting all your insides with deathly poison. May… lots of bad things happen to you.

I need to take some valium now.

Only me, in spite of the millions of people on this planet, in spite of the untold number of single girls out there both on the Internet and in real life, would see a social/dating site match me with a potential soulmate… who turns out to be my stepsister.

Only me.