Slate isn’t yet on my block list, which is why I was able to come across yet another one of their lame articles, this one espousing on the issue of sex and religion in the lives of American teenagers.

The central emphasis of the article of course was on the usual liberal notion of how promoting abstinence encourages even more booty calls. But then I found this particular gem:
 

What really matters is not which religion teenagers identify with but how strongly they identify. After controlling for all factors (family satisfaction, popularity, income), religion matters much less than religiosity. Among the mass of typically promiscuous teenagers in the book, one group stands out: the 16 percent of American teens who describe religion as “extremely important” in their lives. When these guys pledge, they mean it.

So let me see if I have this right: those who actually take their religion seriously are far less likely to be plowing the field. And this is newsworthy… why again?

If anything, it only reinforces the rather obvious point that a large number (if not the vast majority) of young people claiming to be Christians today are pretty much full of it. They may pay lip service to God, attend church regularly, and speak the language of “Evangelese,” but they are about as much Christian as this bottle of Pepsi I’m drinking here. Look, you guys want to roll around in the hay, or get hammered at college frat parties and wake up in strange places the next day, or flash truckers driving the opposite way, or unabashedly drop f-bombs because it makes you feel like a Soprano, then go right ahead. Just don’t call yourself a Christian. It really frosts my cookies when you do.

I think part of the reason why I get all bent out of shape over this is because it doesn’t exactly make my search for THE ONE any easier. I want to meet a nice CHRISTIAN girl, but now that even bra burning, baby killing streetwalkers are touting themselves as children of the kingdom, this sort of makes my efforts to find a virtuous snuggly pie a little daunting, to say the least. Honestly, if the profiles from dating sites like Match.com were to be believed, then just about 99 percent of the women on there are Christians. But if I’m to be the 31st guy in the supermarket express line that is the sex life of many of these “Christian” Match girls, then I think they might want to do a little more soul searching to discover just what exactly their true religion really is.

My subscription to Match.com expired recently, concluding yet another sad chapter in my never ending search to find my snuggle bunny. I got over 300 views, and of those who read my profile and sent me winks, many were either 19 year old single mothers with 5 kids looking for a Daddy, 40-something year olds looking for a boy toy, or Russian women looking for a visa. I actually paid money for this?

There’s little doubt Match.com has been amongst the crappiest crappity-crap crapfest of a craphole dating site I’ve ever used. And what irks me even more is their glowing boast of how millions subscribe to their dating service, yet what they don’t tell you is that those “millions” get shrunk to thousands by state, then down to hundreds by locality, then to dozens when ruling out the whackos, then to one who is PERFECT for you, but just as you’re about to wink at her, she closes down her account after the guy at work finally works up the moxie to ask her out.

You would think an alternative dating site might prove more fruitful, but it seems the same women can be found on these sites as well. And I don’t mean similar people mind you, I mean the SAME EXACT women. Evidently this is the choice I’m left with: pay 30 dollars a month for one dating site, and if I’m unhappy with it, I can cancel my account and sign up for a completely unrelated matchmaking site for only 10 dollars more a month, offering… uh…. the same exact group of single women.

I’m beginning to think ringing up the DC Madam might not be such a bad idea after all. What I don’t get though is how some of the brothers can sign up for these very same sites and meet the girl of their dreams 30 seconds later. Fine. Here’s a toast hoping your marriages end just as quickly, where your precious love is replaced by alimony and child support payments that quite unfortunately for you will never, ever end. So there. Bastards.

But I’m not bitter.

Really though, I’m getting tired of you fricking happy dappy, lovey dovey, smoochie woochie herd of pervs always getting in my face no matter where I go. I can’t enjoy a hot chocolate at Starbucks without you sitting next to me and nuzzling noses. I can’t watch a movie without you guys sucking faces or stroking each other’s hair front and center. I can’t even go to the park and just try to enjoy the mother-fricking nice spring weather without seeing a whole parade of you walking around holding hands, or playing kissy faces, or rolling around on the grass as if the world were your very own bedroom.

May you all spontaneously combust into ashes. May the plague of mankind descend on you like molten lava on a village. May the wasps of a thousand hives sting all your insides with deathly poison. May… lots of bad things happen to you.

I need to take some valium now.

Yep, there’s really no other explanation for why I keep going back to online dating sites. As much as I bashed and thrashed eHarmony in the past, what do I do?

I sign up for another 3 month account.

After seeing the truly bizarre matches I’ve been getting, I came to my senses before it was too late and cancelled my subscription. I have to give eHarmony credit for making it relatively easy to cancel and get a refund, so at least here there was nothing gained, nothing lost. So what do I do now?

I sign up for 3 months with Match.com.

Where’s the nearest exit sign so I can find my way out of this damned stupid body of mine? Yoish. Despite paying less and getting to choose my matches now, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m doing this. I also signed up for several other sites that allow me to post a free profile, but I won’t even think about paying for their services unless I get contacted by a REALLY good prospect, or by Jessica Alba herself.

I guess this is my way of putting myself out there while I fight my health battles, and maybe by the time I get my body under control and in shape again, I will have already met someone online that I’d be ready to meet in real life.

One can dream anyway, at least.

As much as I don’t want to, I think I have to give up the notion that there is a girl out there willing to accept my imperfections upfront and even help me improve on them. I always thought a lot of women liked the idea of changing a man (a la Jerry Maguire), and that they would appreciate a guy who was honest, even if he wasn’t perfect.

Nope.

This is why guys who lie their asses off on their profiles or in real life get all the girls. Even when they get found out (as they do eventually), the girls are already emotionally invested and stick with them. The result is a lot of unhappy marriages where the women eventually become sadder, older and wiser, realizing they should have gone for that honest nice guy all along. But of course now it’s too late.

So what’s the morale that nice guys should learn from this? Simple:

LIE. Lie your big fat holy righteous ass off. Girls say they want honest, nice guys and are ok with a few imperfections. This is true, but only when a relationship has already been established. Prior to that, your life and personality has to be a resume to them. Every success has to be embellished, and every seeming shortcoming has to be minimized or omitted. You must appear in every shape or form as the perfect guy to them. Just like the mighty moose, you have competition from other male moose who all want to get it on with the same hot babe with the sexy antelopes that you’re interested in. You have to be stronger and better than all of them to win her heart. And if you’re not, you do the next best thing: lie… lie…. lie…. Don’t worry, if you win her heart, she’ll eventually forgive you. THEN you can safely start being the nice, honest guy that women truly want you to be, even though they tend not to realize that until much later on in life.

And that’s the way it is.

So how are ya Linc?

Well, gee let’s see here, I’m eating triple chocolate Nestle ice cream, which has melted messy drips onto my keyboard and sullied my what used to be brilliant white t-shirt, checking my email every 15 seconds in the vain hope that the girl I just contacted on Match.com will soon get back to me, even though it’s been 10 days already and she’s probably married by now, so I am left to face yet another cold dark night by myself with only my pillow girlfriend Isabella to keep me warm.

How’s your night going?

Well my Match.com account expired today. About a month earlier I plopped 30 greens to subscribe to the service because I came across a profile that really interested me. She hit on all the right notes: pretty, ultra-conservative, clearly expressing devout Christian beliefs, and was an intellectual at heart. I’ve scoured hundreds of different profiles and this was the ONLY one that came even close to what I was looking for. Only downside: at 26, she was already divorced with a kid.

Well alrighty then. Given the scarcity of morally upright, conservative Christian women out there, I decided to give this one a shot. So I signed up and emailed her. She sent me a note a few days later to let me know she received my email and found it charming. She was busy with work and with issues between her ex and son, but she expressed a desire to get to know me better once she had more free time. I wrote back and told her she was in my prayers, and I looked forward to getting to know her better as well.

1 week goes by. I send her another friendly note to let her know I hope she’s doing fine, etc., etc., and again that I looked forward to hearing from her.

Another 2 weeks go by. I think it’s safe to say now that she blew me off. 30 bucks I spent to email this woman and I don’t even get the friggin’ courtesy of a response, even if it’s just to tell me she’s no longer interested?

Love it.