Like a biblical plague devouring even the deepest corners of the Internet, creepy little dingalings are setting tech-savvy women on edge everywhere with their oh-so-creepy tweets, Facebook pokes, unwelcome emails and unwanted IM chats, and by doing so they have made it even more difficult for me to find my Cuddle Pot Bon Bon Bunny Cakes online.

I can understand now why many women would choose to put up avatars depicting a haggish looking 100 year old female who looks like she had been dug up and photographed for a museum exhibit instead of a real picture of themselves, or why they would say they’re married to an ex-Marine who keep a running scorecard of all the terrorists he kills (which would include people who look at his wife funny.)

Join an internet chatroom under the screen name “Butch123″ and you will go virtually ignored.  Join the same chatroom under the screen name “cutegirl115″ and you will have inadvertently kicked off the rock hiding the most disturbing elements of the cyber underworld, as every creepy horned up moochbag descends on you in the futile and ridiculously vain hope that they will somehow be able to seduce you with their 10 years out of date pickup lines, or the JPG images of them rubbing Mommy’s feet, or by impressing you their exciting recaps of adventures they’ve had in the past week, which would include being mugged by a gang of 8 year old boys, utterly oblivious to the fact that this is not the sort of thing that’s likely to make a girl swoon over them.

But still they press on, like the virginal roaches that they are, creeping over every nook and cranny of the Internet, writing pathetic little odes to the current object of their affection on their blogs, serenading women on Facebook with rock ballads that aren’t even from the 80s, or chest thumping their overinflated sense of manhood on Twitter while they chow down on Cheetos.

It is time for the madness to end.  It is time that we manly studs rise up and lay the ultimate who’s-your-daddy smackdown on our creepy counterparts.  They are a disgrace, pestilence, a blight on the human race.  Let us trample their Cheetos, break their XBoxes, and hack their Facebook profiles!  Let us crush their fragile little weenieballs with the mallet of our well earned machismo!

Let us take back the Net, not just for us, but for our wimmins, that they may reward us handsomely for saving them from these creepsters with lots of smoochies and coochie coos!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!

Tags: chatroom, creepsters, creepy, internet, manhood, manly, men, women
Categories: Comic Relief
 
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I won a prize! No, it wasn’t money. No it wasn’t a date with Jessica Alba. So what did I win you ask? Lookie here:

Yep, in what I am now convinced is a global conspiracy to obliterate whatever ounce of manhood I had left over from 31 years of pain, agony, and surviving Backstreet Boys mania, Danielle from Pink Internet Marketing has declared me the random winner of her fluffy pink bear.

Still, I will accept this cuddly bundle of cuteness on Danielle’s promise that it will someday help me win over the heart of my future honey pot bon bon bunnycakes, whoever she may be.

Assuming of course, she can get past the fact that the studly man of her dreams now keeps a pink teddy bear in his bedroom.

Tags: agony, backstreet boys, contest, cute, cuteness, girl of my dreams, global conspiracy, heart, honey pot, internet marketing, jessica alba, manhood, money, pink, teddy bear, winner
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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