I was recently asked by an evil woobie what I wanted in a woman, since I seemed to be sending mixed signals regarding the female race (bashing them to death while yearning for one at the same time). Well alllllrighty then.

I’ve split my list here to those traits I oh-so-badly want a girl to have, and those traits that are complete deal-breakers that will send me screaming and running for the hills. I think once you finish reading through the list you’ll begin to see why I’m still single.

Deal Breakers (Any one of the following will automatically result in immediate disqualification. No refunds.)

• She’s ugly.
• Really ugly.
• I mean damned gouge-my-eyes-out ugly.
• She loves to boss people around, including God Himself.
• Has a mouth like a sailor, and regularly drops f-bombs like a New Jersey mob boss. Not. Cool.
• She has tattoos and piercings in places that hasn’t even been categorized by science yet.
• She thinks nothing of wearing flip flops in subzero temperatures with a full on blizzard warning in effect.
• She is an absolute diehard fan of “reality” TV.
• Modesty is a foreign concept to her. She’d be the girl wearing the tube top at a relative’s funeral.
• She is, for lack of a better phrase, a complete moron.
• She gets her news from Glamour and Vogue magazines.
• She lives to play mind games (unfortunately this might rule out all the women on the planet.)
• She doesn’t say thank you when someone holds the door open for her.
• If the devil is the father of lies, she’s the mother of it.
• She has an ego bigger than the Goodyear Blimp.
• Her idea of doing charity work is to cry a lot.
• There’s never a moment when she DOESN’T have PMS.
• She loves being labeled a “bitch” as if it were a badge of honor.

And now with that unpleasantness out of the way, here’s my list of traits that would make me want to love her up, and love her down, and round and round the merry-go round:

• Shares the same Christian beliefs I do, and at least tries to take it seriously. I’m not looking for sainthood here, but simply wearing a t-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy” does not constitute being a Christian to me.
• She’s either apolitical or shares the same basic political viewpoints I do. Seriously, if you’re the sort who thinks Europe is superior to us in every conceivable way, then go live there and leave us ignorant hicks alone.
• She’s smart. Really smart. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that a high level of intelligence would mean she wouldn’t come within a 100 miles of yours truly, but I mean smart in every other respect. Common sense could be her middle name too.
• She’s a deep person. Everything about life fascinates her, and she views it all with a kind of eloquent, yet childlike innocence.
• She’s funny in a quirky but harmless kinda way. She adores corny jokes, while dirty ones turn her off.
• She’s humble and gentle, the very embodiment of warmness, softness and snugglies.
• She makes me want to be a better man. Or more accurately, she tries to help me be a better man.
• She has a heart for giving, and her works of charity aren’t merely token gestures, but defines who she is as a person.
• She’s kindhearted, always aware of her surroundings and who might be in distress or pain, ever eager to comfort those in need. And trust me baby, I need it most of all.
• She’s principled, strong and brave.
• She can look sexy and beautiful while still maintaining her modesty.
• She is a hopeless romantic. She is all about poems and art and literature and music and history and spirituality and all those wonderful things that invite deep discussions and long talks by the fireplace.
• She is a health nut, (but not a vegan.) I kinda need this one too, since my idea of eating vegetables is to add more tomato sauce to the crust when making pizza.

Welp’, that’s it in a nutshell. Soooo…. does she exist? Or should I be looking into getting myself medically castrated and joining the nearest monastery?

So it’s looking like my server isn’t even going to be upgraded until Wednesday. Well screw it then. I’ll just continue blogging until I go out in a blaze of glory.

And oh, what’s this? The governor of New York allegedly gets caught hooking up with an alleged hoochie coochie ring, placing an alleged order for “Kristen” the very night before (wait for it….) Valentine’s Day. Allegedly.

Did I not tell you that day was cursed?

I feel sorry for the guy though. Man’s so ugly I bet even his wife won’t touch him unless the lights are out and she’s double blindfolded, so I could understand if he felt little choice but to go off the ranch for a little bit of bareback horse riding fun.

But dudes, have you seen the PRICES for them pro hos?

I mean, $5,500 an hour for one of their premier selections. An HOUR. Just getting a hug would probably set me back 3 days pay for crying out loud. I wouldn’t pay that kind of money if it meant rolling around in the hay with Jessica Alba… …ok I would, but still, we’re talking a lot of money here.

Makes me wonder if that’s going to be my future though. Is true love going to be such a lost cause for me that I would have no choice but to use my life’s savings to pay off a “working girl,” just so I can finally get one little night of snugglies and wubs?

What a cold, cold world we live in.

I am completely and utterly in love with whoever that hot, hot, hot, HOT girl is on the left sidebar (here’s a pic since the banner is no longer there):

Oh man, the eyes, it’s like they’re staring directly into my soul…

Can ANYONE tell me who she is? Please?? I need to know. I really really really really really really REALLY need to know. Please, if you love me, you’ll help me. I’ll give you money, ad space, my car (ok… maybe not my car), but whatever else you want.

On the way home I stopped by a Starbucks drive-thru to get some hot chocolate. The intercom crackled to life, and I suddenly heard the sweetest, most soothing female voice:

“Hiiiiiii, welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?”

Oh sweetie, you have no idea.

“Ummm, could I get a hot chocolate, venti size?”

“Of course honey, would you like anything else?”

…honey… I was in love. I wanted to stay at the drive-thru and listen to her sweet, angelic voice forever.

“Hello?”

“Oh… uh no, that’s it.”

“Great, you can drive up to the window.”

I quickly drove up, eager to see who could be the owner of such a mellow, sugary voice that had so easily plucked at my heart strings.

I almost screamed when a lanky guy no older than 19 lumbered up to the window.

“Three twenty-five please.”

Dammit, my order had been passed on to someone else. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I handed over my debit card and then leaned over to see if I could spot the girl. There she was, wearing a headset, her back to me as she put the finishing touches on my drink. A shapely figure with dark brown hair that flowed and bounced off her shoulders. Oh man please turn around, please turn around, please turn around…

“Here you go.” Lanky Boy gave me back my card, and then of course, completely blocking my view, took the hot chocolate Angelic Voice handed off to him, and gave that to me as well. @#$%!!!

I frantically tried to look around him so I could catch a glimpse of Angelic Voice’s face.

“Did you need anything else?”

“Oh… no, thanks,” I muttered, trying not to curse. I slowly drove away, debating whether I should slam on the brakes and run inside just so I could see her, but then thought better of it.

I think I’ll be coming back tomorrow though.

I have a brother who’s an only child. Really, he is. Since he lives in another state, it’s only natural for him to get lonely sometimes, yet traveling back and forth to see his family on a regular basis tends to upset his bill collectors. Visits as a result have been kept to a minimum, except for those occasions where I’m able to loan him some cash for a ticket, or when his collectors haven’t learned his new alias yet.

Since he expressed a desire to visit just last week, I’ve been checking out cFares for cheap tickets that didn’t cost the price of rare blood to purchase. While their searches are pretty extensive and helped me dig out some of the lowest airfares around, it may not have been reasonable for me to expect to find tickets for cross country trips for say, $20.

I called up my brother. “Dude, can’t you just drive?”

“Nah man, my car can’t handle a trip like that.”

“Great.”

I went back to cFares and dug some more. “Let’s see, $300, $291, $315, ah man…”

I called him back up.

“Why don’t you just sign up for the Platinum membership cFares offers? You might be able to get better deals this way.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a membership service that promises access to better fares than what you might find on other sites. You can try it free for 30 days. Couldn’t hurt to try and see how much better the prices really are.”

“Yeah but how much do you have to pay after that, $1,000??”

“Nah, it’s only $50 a year. Might be worth it.”

“Mmmm, $50 is still a lot…”

“Oh please, it’s only $4 a month, stop being such a weenie. Just check it out and let me know if you found any good prices.”

I heard from him again the next day.

“Wow, Linc, there’s some pretty good prices here for Ireland!”

“………… what? You were supposed to look for cheap airfare to come HERE.”

“Oh… yeah, I was doing that too. I was just curious about Ireland, you know you can stop over in London too for a few hours? That’s awesome!”

“Since when did you get interested in Ireland all of a sudden? You don’t drink.”

“I know, but I met this cute Irish girl on Match.com and we really hit—”

I hung up on him.

As each year draws to a close, I find myself losing more and more hope that I’ll ever find my future beloved. She exists only in a dream, her warmth and love such that only a woman can give was something I would never experience in real life. Any experience I’ve had with the opposite sex have instead always resulted in my heart being ripped out and torn to shreds.

But then something happened on Friday that infused me with a renewed sense of hope. It started when I received some white chocolate treats from a coworker, a pretty brunette I once had a major crush on, until she of course fell in love with another coworker and promptly married him a few months later.

“Wow, thanks Karen, these are great!” Then in passing I mentioned that while I liked white chocolate, dark chocolate was actually my favorite.

So she went home and made a fresh new batch of dark chocolate, just for me. I couldn’t believe it.

“Karen, you didn’t have to do this! I was just teasing!”

“It’s ok, I wanted to.”

I was stunned. This act of charity was truly unexpected and something I never thought would come from her.

Later that evening, I checked the latest video of TV Squad Daily, hosted by the stunningly gorgeous Brigitte Dale. I made a somewhat tongue in cheek comment a few days before asking her to sing a Christmas song, and to my complete surprise, she actually answered that request in her next video (beginning 00:34 seconds in):

Too bad she didn’t post my blog address though. Still, it was a much welcome gesture, especially coming from someone who is quickly coming close to taking the same throne once occupied by Jessica Alba. Ok, that’s enough dreaming now, Linc-O.

In any event, these two acts of goodwill went a long way in taking the bite out of what had otherwise been a stingy Christmas season for me. 2007 had been a terrible year, both health wise and spiritual wise. I needed to believe that better times were ahead, and I’ve been holding dearly on to the hope that 2008 will finally be THE year where everything will change, and where the identity of the mystery blonde will finally be revealed.

I still have a long and grueling road ahead of me though, and the outcome is still uncertain. Yet these two beautiful women collectively gave me the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for: hope.

I thank God for this renewed sense of hope and purpose, as it carries me through this Christmas season and into the dawn of a new era.