And that is without a doubt, because by next year I’ll not only be debt free, I’ll also have a nice little nest egg too, so I’ll be able to afford a hooker for V-Day 2010. 

What?  I’m not gonna do anything, I’m just looking for the company, that’s all. 

Hopefully though it won’t come to that.  Maybe sometime between now and next February, things will have changed enough that the doors to love will finally swing open, and young, single women everywhere will suddenly discover my inner hotness and wubs me for who I am, green warts and all.  It could happen right?

I want to believe it could happen, and indeed I was even given a sign that it would happen, but here’s the thing:  I suck.  I truly, unequivocally, unquestionably suck a moose’s dead cooties.

No decent girl on this earth who has lived a virtuous life full of kindness and charity should have to be punished by being saddled with a mooch guzzling hairy buttbag like me.  I really don’t deserve to have someone special in my life.  I don’t deserve to have a helpmate, a best friend, an equal partner in love.  I don’t deserve to be happy.

I’ve been a failure my whole life, and I will always be a failure.  That’s just how it is, and the kind of girl I’m looking for deserves nothing less than a winner.  Besides, it’s too late to meet someone anyway.  I’m already past my prime, I’m disabled, my hair is turning gray and I’ll probably be bald by Christmas, and God knows I’m already ugly enough as it is.  All I’ve ever wanted was to experience young love, and that opportunity has finally slipped away.  I’ll never know what it’s like to “rejoice with the wife of my youth.”  I’ll never know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s in love with me.

I don’t even see the point of blogging any more.  All I’ve done was work myself like a dog for over two years to keep this site going and hoping some day to profit from it, and then I have to watch while others blog for merely a week and suddenly they get opportunities left and right without even breaking a sweat.  Why?  Because I suck.  Al Bundy has had more success than me.  At least he scored 4 touchdowns in a high school football game.  I was in the marching band, and I wasn’t even first string either.

Sigh.  I suck.

Tags: Al Bundy, blog, depression, failure, hooker, loneliness, love, sadness, single, success, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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There used to be a time in my life when Christmas actually FELT like Christmas.  I used to get into it so much that I would get out my Christmas tree and start decorating before even Halloween itself came around, much less the holiday season.

The magic in the air was just intoxicating, and I could always smell the fresh, sweet aroma of evergreen everywhere I went.  Lights would twinkle, while carolers jingled, and sometimes if we had a cooler than normal season, we’d even get snow to complete the ensemble.  And of course there was my favorite tradition of all time: the mistletoe. 

Yep, it was that time of year that made me prance me around like Pee Wee Herman in blissful joy joy happiness.

But then something happened.  Year after year we would go through the same ritual as before, but the magic was somehow gone.  I just couldn’t experience the joys of celebrating the season like I used to.  Somewhere along the line, I had grown up.

I went from the little kid who would breathlessly wait for Christmas morning to come before flying to the living room at breakneck speed to open his presents, to someone who was now spending every Christmas season, alone.

Oh, so very alone.

It didn’t seem fair that my favorite season had to be ruined each passing year just because I didn’t have anyone special in my life.  That shouldn’t have to matter, right?  But it does, somehow.  It always matters, especially around this time of year.  I always thought about what I was missing, not about what I already had, and yet no matter how hard I tried, the despair of loneliness just couldn’t be fended off, and it would drop over my spirit like a wet, smothering blanket.

Christmas was now a time that made me yearn for a life where I could share these precious moments with her, whoever she was.  I wanted to see her laugh every time a Chipmunks song came on.  I wanted to see her eyes twinkle as she hung ornaments on our tree.  I wanted to see her hold me close as we danced and kissed under the mistletoe.  These were moments I could see only in fragmented dreams, in visions that would tease me with promises of happiness and love, only to fade away to the dark realities of my failed existence.

But still I hoped.  Still I push on, ever forward, ever hoping that dreams do indeed come true, and that one day, some day, I will see the Christmas stars of a wish come true reflected in her beautiful eyes.

Some day…

Tags: alone, Christmas, christmas season, christmas tree, despair, dream, dreams, holiday season, loneliness, love, mistletoe, tradition
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Generally, it takes ten years for a woman to fall in love with a man.  I’m serious people, this is science, look it up.

Things might move along a wee little faster though if you put some muscle into it and work 24/7 to get a girl to fall for you.  Then perhaps after spending enough time, effort, money, (and then a little more money), and much sweating of blood and tears, she will finally deem you worthy of her love.  Maybe.

But in the meantime you have to do all the heavy lifting, huffing and puffing your way into her heart, and if you’re a sensible enough guy you might start thinking somewhere along the way, “What woman short of Queen Esther herself would be worth all this aggravation?”

I mean really.

I look at creation and all I see is an ocean of women who are self centered, fickle, manipulative, ball crushing, man hating hell-beasts that were handcrafted in the bowels of perdition by the iniquitous and the vile.

But for most guys, they’re perfectly willing to traverse this minefield as long as it gets them the BOOTY.  The acquisition of booty has therefore become the driving force of their existence.  But for a Christian guy like me, it’s not the booty I want, it’s the luuuuuuuuuuuuurv.  But women today, for whatever reason seem to be far more willing to give over their bodies than they are in giving over their hearts.  Maybe it’s because they have no heart to begin with? 

I might indeed be the last of my kind, a guy who wants romance and love and lots of wubbly snuggles, but in this day and age, there seems to be no one left who can truly fulfill those needs.  When I look at a girl, there never seems to be anything compelling about her that would make her worth the effort, or worth the chase.  And the thing that really kills it for me is the utter lack of empathy.  There’s just no warmth, no sense of caring, no concern about my life or interest in me as a person.  If I poured out my heart to them they would be unmoved by it all.  They just don’t care.  They’re lukewarm, neither hot nor cold.

So why would I want to fight for a woman like that?  You could be more beautiful than a setting sun, but if you have a heart of stone, if you give me absolutely no incentive to make it worth my while, why should I even bother?  I’m the kind of guy who just wants to hear these words:

It’s hearing that kind of heart, that kind of passion that would tell me you’re worth fighting for, indeed worth moving even heaven and earth for.  But I fear those words will never come.

Yeah, I think it’s time I gave up this silly dream of finding my soulmate and true love and whatnot, and finally moved on with my life, even if that means having to juice myself up with mega doses of Prozac just so I can numb out these feelings and keep them from consuming me.

Living the life of an emotional zombie has never looked better. 

Tags: christian, empathy, love, lukewarm, romance, soulmate, stardust, true love, woman, women, women suck, YouTube
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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The results from my last poll (Should I stay single?) were pretty interesting:  Only 20% thought I would be perfectly happy remaining single, 34% took the coward’s way out and mentioned their fondness for pie , and 46% were convinced that I’d soon be doing 20 to life if I didn’t get myself a honey bunny soon.

The demographics were even more interesting: most of the ladies who voted felt that only the love of a good woman would bring me happiness, while most of the men opted for singlehood.  Those who picked pie were roughly split between the 2 genders.

Conclusion: Women think I need them, while men think otherwise.  Naturally, I side with the men. 

The truth is, as much as I might pine for a little coochie coo, I really don’t need you wimmins.  Sure, it’d be nice to have a little squeeze toy I can play around with every now and then, but ultimately, the odds are very much against me in finding someone I could truly be happy with, and vice versa.  In short, I think it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who was hell spawned by Satan.

Oddly enough, this kind of attitude generally makes me more attractive to the fairer sex.  Women don’t seem to like men who are clingy and whine for wubsiness, but when we become more aloof and independent and could give a flying dinky winks whether girls like us or not, suddenly our hotness meter goes way up.  It seems to be the paradox of romance: the more we want women, the less they want us, but the less we want women, the more they want us.  Oy! 

Frankly though, I’d rather be the chasee than the chaser.  There’s so much aggravation and misery involved in chasing after someone that she really has to gem of a woman to merit the trouble, and these days, they hardly seem to be worth it.  There has to be something about a beautiful, single girl that can make me believe she’s a cut above the rest.  Even if she has a rough exterior (because God knows I certainly do), if I discern that God truly lives in her heart, and the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-26) is evident in her personality, then I’d move heaven and earth to win over her love.

So… anybody here like that?  Yeah I didn’t think so. 

Tags: demographics, girl, God, happiness, love, personality, poll, romance, single, singlehood, Spirit, woman, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I had a dream last night where I met Sarah Palin at a Tennessee rally.  I’m not sure what either of us were doing there, but I ain’t gonna complain. 

Only problem was, the hags from The View were also there, including America’s favorite moron, Whoopi Goldberg. 

I was in a room and some sort of quasi-interview was taking place, which in reality was really a bashfest on Lady Sarah.  Somehow I stepped in though and started smacking around Goldberg.  You know, there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of back and front slapping an idiot like Goldberg, especially when I was taking my time about it too. 

After that they just kind of disappeared, and Lady Sarah had to go get ready for the rally.  I told her not to worry about the media and that everything was going to be ok.  She hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek repeatedly, the same way my Mom would kiss me when she wanted me to know just how much she wubbed me. 

In fact my Mom was there too, and she wanted to take a picture of us together.  Lady Sarah cheerfully wrapped her arm around my waist, her hair brushing my chin as my Mom took our picture.   Everyone was really emotional about it too, the kind of raw emotion you might experience when you’ve been reunited with a long lost family member.

And indeed, in a way, Sarah Palin was family.  The love we all had for each other was palpable and genuine, and it was borne out of knowing that we were all part of the same family:  God’s family.

After I woke up, I wondered, why cant church be like this?  Why was it always so lifeless and dead, so caught up in the latest fads instead of concerning itself with the things that really mattered?  Why do we always perceive each other as strangers rather than family?

I made a decision that I would rather walk alone than walk with people who have compromised the faith, but for a moment here I was able to experience what it was like to have a real family.  To be loved and to love in return, if only for a moment.  It’s a shame that I could only experience that in a dream.  Even if I visited a million churches here, I’d never be able to feel at home like I did when I was in Lady Sarah’s arms. 

Tags: church, churches, dream, faith, family, fellowship, God, love, sarah palin, whoopi goldberg
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
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It’s no secret that I’ve been raging against all things estrogen for the better part of the year now, having given up on the female race as being entirely irredeemable and utterly given over to the cause of evil.

And then someone like Sarah Palin comes along and helps me restore my faith somewhat.  Maybe, just maybe, all is not completely lost.

McCain’s astonishing VP pick (and current governor of Alaska) is gorgeous, articulate, smart, conservative, accomplished, and by all appearances a devout Christian too.  She’s also a member of the NRA.    Oh, and she’s gorgeous as well.  Did I mention she’s gorgeous? 

In short, she’s everything I could have ever wanted in a woman.  Someone who embraces her femininity, but is still a tomboy of sorts who would grind you to ashes if you ever did her dirty.  They don’t call her Barracuda for nothing after all.    More importantly, her attractive appeal is grounded in her intelligence and principled beliefs, demonstrated in one part by in her refusal to abort her child she knew would be born with Down’s syndrome.  Meanwhile others who profess to be Christians have no moral aversion to supporting a candidate like the Obamanation, who stops just short of endorsing mass infancitide. 

Being awash in a sea of underwhelming females who spend half their days with their noses buried in Vogue magazines and their heads up Obama’s goomie gumbos, Palin arrives like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you Sarah Palin.  Thank you for helping me believe once again for the impossible, that there may just be another one like you out there, and that maybe someday soon, God will finally bring us together. 

Tags: christian, Christians, conservative, femininity, God, intelligence, john mccain, love, Obamanation, presidential campaign, presidential election, sarah palin, tomboy, woman
Categories: Politics and Poker, Romance and Relationships
 
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