One of the reasons it’s been so difficult for me to find dates is because I don’t have a very active social life (which is to say, I have no social life whatsoever to speak of.) I used to have a close knit group of friends that carried me through high school and beyond college for a while, but eventually we began to drift apart for various reasons, until one day I found myself living the life of a loner again.

I was never one for attending social gatherings though so I could maybe gain some new friends, mainly because there were, well, people there. And I hated people.

Ok, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hated them, maybe that I just didn’t get along…no I hated them.

Unfortunately, if I was ever gonna meet girls then I was gonna have to go where people were, sooner or later. With a mindset like this, it’s a small wonder why I was always holding out hope that I would meet someone at my job instead. After all, I’m forced to be here, and there were people here too, soooo….

For the longest time I used to entertain fantasies of meeting the girl of my dreams at work, so much that it started taking on a life of its own. I even nailed down what she would look like too: deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. She would be as sweet as an angel, maybe assigned somewhere close to me so we’d run into each other on a regular basis. Things would be strictly platonic at first, but before I knew it she would eventually warm up to me… and love would blossom out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at allllll….. Out of nothing at… *ahem* but anyways, that’s how I imagined it. From that we would eventually become engaged, get married, and live happily ever after. Oh how I prayed and begged God that this would all happen for real. My fantasies here were so vivid that I could have weaved a cheap romance novel out of it. Probably could have made some cash from selling it too.

I had been churning over this latest fantasy of mine for a few months, when something weird happened: we got a new coworker assigned near us who had… deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. I swear you couldn’t make this stuff up. Our department doesn’t attract a lot of young workers to begin with, so just getting another coworker around my age would have been odd unto itself. She was a year older than me, but single and beautiful, and had a mellow, pleasant personality about her. In her previous job she worked with kids who suffered from various disabilities too. It was perfect! My dream was actually coming to life!

Except she hated me.

Well, she didn’t really hate me. She just had no interest in me whatsoever. I tried everything I could think of to woo her too, all in the futile hope that eventually, sooner or later, she would warm up to me in very much the same way her alter ego did in my fantasies. I kept her company when things got quiet during our late shifts. I helped her out whenever she needed to learn something about the job. I helped her find her keys when she had lost them and was freaking out over it, and at her request I burned dozens of her CDs into MP3s so she could use an MP3 player she bought for the gym (even though she didn’t have a computer). I changed my hairstyles, clothing, and yes, I’m ashamed to admit it, during my low points I even tried using TAG body spray (I’m suing those bastards for false advertising by the way.)

Yet despite all my efforts, when it came to asking her out to lunch, or even just coffee, she had no interest at all. The more she blew me off, the more I pined for her love. After a couple of months of this I eventually gave up. I decided I would continue being a nice guy as always, but I resigned myself to the fact that she would never be interested in me. I was just a pathetic loser who could never be good enough for her. My fantasy was not to be.

And that might have been the end of it, except that shortly afterwards she fell madly in love with another coworker, and within a few months they were engaged to be married.

My fantasies were coming to life after all… but for somebody else. Honestly, mere words could not convey the state of my emotions as I watched some little bastard boy enjoy what I previously could only experience in my dreams. Every day I had to come in to work and see those two nuzzling noses or holding hands at a picnic table (just as I envisioned it), and it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs and stepping on the gas at a nearby red light hoping an 18 wheeler would plow into me.

The best though was when the wedding itself was soon coming up, and she asked me if I had any suggestions for wedding songs she could use. I ended up making a CD of what I considered to be my most favorite love songs, songs I probably would have picked for my own wedding too. From what I heard my CD turned out to be a big hit, though I wouldn’t know, since I wasn’t invited.

I’m not one for bitterness though, so here’s a toast to their new life together. May their imminent divorce be appallingly messy and violently ugly.

No seriously, I do hope they’ll be happy together, I guess. I don’t begrudge anyone getting married, but for the love of kindness, did it really have to F*&%ING play out EXACTLY like I imagined it???

When I saw that, I guess I went through something of a system shock. My feelings went numb and I succumbed to a state of deep depression. In a way, I had given up on life. I no longer took care of myself, no longer went out as much as I used to. My clothes would get worn and start showing holes, but I didn’t care. I started suffering from health problems, but still I didn’t care. It wasn’t uncommon for me to sleep for 12-15 hours a night, and even then I just had no energy to get out of bed at all. I used to be punctual and on time for work, but I became so lethargic that if I ended up being only 10 minutes late, it was a miracle. It was becoming a regular tradition for me to hit the supermarket the night before my days off from work, stock up on groceries and DVDs from Redbox, then head home and hole up in my bedroom with my tub of popcorn, TV and laptop, where I would stay unmoved in my jammies until it was time to go back to work again.

I became utterly convinced that God hated me. After all, He wasn’t going to simply ignore my prayers here. Nope, He was going to twist and twist and twist the knife in so deep that it would all but ensure my psyche would never recover from this. It was almost like He recorded my fantasies and decided to orchestrate it in real life so that someone else would become the beneficiary of it, right before my very eyes. I mean really, what were the odds of something like that happening, down to even using the same collection of songs I dreamed would be used at my own wedding? (Which I say at the risk of sounding like a weenie girlie boy.) About a billion to one??

Why? Why did I have to endure that? Why did God have to hurt me like this? I know I can be a wiseass and all who deserves to get smacked around every now and then, but this was bafflingly cruel. It’s part of why I’m so slow to get out of bed every day, because I absolutely dread what new punishment He might have in store for me. My pathetic life must be a source of constant amusement for Him.

But… and before you Christian dweebs start berating me here, let me be quick to note that I don’t really believe this now. I know there’s a purpose to everything, and I’ve seen enough to know that for whatever reason God is keeping me safe from a lot of the evil that’s in this world. I guess that goes to show what a foregone conclusion I must be, that in spite of the complete embarrassment I experienced, I still believe God cares for me and has only my best interests in mind. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome?

Still, this one really got to me in a bad way, and even now I’m still nursing the wounds. Just when I think I’ve put it behind me, every now and then somebody will stick a finger in the wound, like when I run into her and she talks about her “husband” (just hearing her say that makes me cringe.) Ironically enough, the most recent jab came from my mother, of all places. My Mom never knew I had a thing for this girl, even though she met her a few times at work. One time we had a conversation afterwards and Mom said, “She is SUCH a sweetheart, Linc! How come you can’t meet somebody nice like her? She would have been PERFECT for you!!”

Poor Mom. She had no idea why I ran out after hearing that and started ripping and chewing on the grass on the front lawn.

Ah well. I guess the only thing that will make the pain go away for good is when I finally do meet someone for real. It’s hard to imagine even after all that how I could still retain hope that somehow, somewhere, she’s out there waiting for me, but I do. I guess I’ll always be a romantic at heart, no matter how loopy I get.

I still fantasize about meeting her though. But trust me, I have learned my lesson. Now I imagine meeting her in scenarios that are so outlandish that they cannot POSSIBLY happen to me in real life, much less to anyone else. Currently I fantasize about meeting her as part of an undercover operation I’m doing for the CIA. Oh, and I have superpowers. And the girl of my dreams is an alien from another planet who gets captured by the U.S. government. We fall in love and I spring her loose, then steal the USS Enterprise starship and together we make our way to the Alpha Centauri system, where we spend many steamy, romantic evenings on the paradise planet of Gimmegoomajamjam.

Let’s see y’all weenie tots try to turn THAT one into reality. 

Tags: christian, coworker, cruel, depression, despair, dream girl, dreams, fantasy, God, hate, hope, job, loneliness, loner, love, numb, romance, romantic, social life, unrequited love, wedding
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships
 
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I’m often criticized for taking a lone ranger approach to life, and while it’s true that I’ve always been a loner, I’m not against looking for help when I really need it. I knew if I wanted to build a successful blog that I was going to need some kind of support to help me get going, and one of the things that held my site back in particular has been this irritating problem where the footer just wouldn’t stay where it belonged. It kept jumping all over the place and screwing my sidebars up, so as a temporary fix I removed the sidebars from most of my pages. That wasn’t really a solution though, so I started checking around for blog designers I could hire to fix the problem for me.

If I could tell you how many emails I’ve sent out to designers that never got returned, you’d never believe it. You’d think they’d want my business, but I guess I’m not enough of a lucrative prospect for them. Snobs.

Finally, one designer got back to me and worked on my site for a couple of hours, then gave up. He also left one of my sidebars crooked, but promised to look into it, as well as look into a javascript solution I suggested to him to fix the footer. I didn’t hear back from him again until almost a week later, where he sent me a “Dear John” type email suggesting that I’m better off going with a complete revamp of the site. Sure, what’s another 800 bucks or so to destroy the months of work I’ve put into my blog and replace it with whatever crap they had in mind?

Man, when you want something done…

That weekend I rolled up my sleeves and went to work on the blog myself. I only had a rudimentary understanding of CSS, javascript and whatnot, but I kept at it for the whole day and by some miracle of God, I managed to pull it off. The footer issue was finally resolved.

I spent a few hours more banging my head on the keyboard, trying to get my sidebars looking right across different browsers, but without much luck until I started using Firebug, which is quite possibly the greatest web development tool ever invented in the history of mankind. I was able to test and check the results of CSS modifications I made in real time, rather than saving the file, uploading it, reloading my browser, and repeating as necessary ad infinitum. It also helped me locate what file was causing my site to take forever to finish loading, and after I got rid of that it was like I had a new blog all over again.

Deal with THAT, you cheapskate freelance web designers.

Seriously, I learned a lesson here. One, that God is merciful. Two, that people suck big monkey balls. In the end, I realized my project here was going to be a solo operation after all. But I do faith that whatever I can put my mind to, I can achieve, not because I’m so talented and all, but because God is capable of opening up my understanding, and within His will, I can “do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.”

Tags: blog, blogging, christ, code, css, dear john, design, designers, firebug, footer, freelance, God, javascript, keyboard, lone ranger, loner, miracle, people, snobs, solo, success, tongue, troubleshoot, whatnot
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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Today’s blogosphere consists of a huge network of blogs linked together a variety of ways, most commonly via blogrolls or with the use of linkbacks. Normally, in order to fully assimilate and become a part of this blogging collective, you would need to surf a considerable number of blogs and regularly comment on the latest postings, either via their commenting system, or by blogging a post on your own site and referencing the material in question there (which is where linkbacks usually come in).

I rarely do this, which is part of the reason why my traffic is usually so low. Because I’m not putting myself out there, my visitors usually come in via Google or by word of mouth. But if I’m interested in getting more hits to my blog, why don’t I invest the time necessary to give it more exposure by participating more actively in the blogosphere community?

The truth is, gosh darn it, I just don’t like you people. Most of you are lewd, rude and appallingly crude. And you’re ugly. And you probably smell bad too.

Since I’m a loner in real life, that seems to have translated in some respects over to my blogging life as well. When I reflect on this, I realized part of it is because I just can’t stomach hanging out with people who are A) airheaded morons who have about as much common sense as a drunken Barbra Streisand or B) morally corrupt individuals who enjoy waking up in strange places after a night of inebriation and snorting up white powder. Then there’s the occasional C) self anointed intellectuals who use an inflated vocabulary to argue or discuss anything from politics to relationships, when half the time their fond use of lofty words used by only 2 percent of the population merely disguises the fact that they are just as much a bunch of dumbasses as the entire cast of contestants on The Bachelor.

Evidently though, just finding a circle of people who have a good head on their shoulders, follow a reasonable moral code, and refrain from talking like 80 year old law professors so they can show people just how diddly darned smart they are seems to be a tall order these days.

Oh well. I guess that’s the price I pay for being unique.

Tags: barbra streisand, blog, blogging, blogosphere, blogrolls, comment, commenting, common sense, crude, dumbasses, google, hits, inebriation, intellectuals, law professor, lewd, linkbacks, loner, moral code, morals, morons, occasional c, people, rude, traffic, ugly, unique, vocabulary, word of mouth
Categories: Blog Fog, Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Ever since Uptown Girl wrote back to me, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I wanted more than anything to meet her in person and see if we could hit it off right away, but I knew I wasn’t ready just yet. I was also afraid once she saw me in real life she would become extremely disappointed and that would be the end of it. By keeping our correspondence online for the time being, I could at least maintain the facade of being the kind of guy she was actually interested in.

But now that it’s been a week since I last heard from her, I’m wondering all over again whether I’m just being humored here. She did indicate that she would have a busy week at work, but was that just an excuse? Was she already looking elsewhere but just didn’t have the heart to tell me she was no longer interested? Maybe she’s already dating someone else even. Or maybe…. she really was just busy this week.

But I wonder, does she think about me? Does she wonder about the kind of person I am, about my past, whether I would be a good lover and friend to her? Or am I the last thing on her mind? On the flip side, I wonder what she’s looking for. Does she really want someone like me to be not just a part of her life, but an important part? Would I inspire the kind of affection that she would clear a whole weekend just so she could spend time with me? Or would I merely be someone to fill in the gaps of her otherwise busy life?

I also realized her world was totally foreign to me. She grew up with several siblings. I was an only child. She went to a prestigious school and graduated with honors. I went to a no name college and garnered modest grades. She has a healthy circle of friends going back to her school days. I was a loner who had parted ways with his last and best friend over 5 years ago. She lives on her own. I still lived with my parents. She was a fitness addict. I was a couch potato. She loves to go out all the time. I usually spent most of my time on the Internet. She worked for a renowned company in the private sector. I was a civil service employee working in a dump of a department that apparently seems unconcerned that it’s violating several health codes.

The fact is, we were worlds apart. And I am totally scared that once she gets a glimpse of my world, she’d definitely run for the hills. In a way though, a lot of this hasn’t been my doing, but just the circumstances of life, which apparently for some reason has it out for me. All I can hope for is that she’ll be understanding of it all and give me a chance anyway. If she does just that, I could love her forever. I went through life where very few people, and certainly not any beautiful women were willing to give me a chance to prove my worth. I was always written off, abandoned, or discarded like doggie poo. Facing the possibility that a beautiful and accomplished woman would, despite all my flaws, want to be with me is a concept utterly alien to me. And with it I find myself groping in the dark trying to figure out the proper etiquettes of how to move forward from here. How often to email her? Do I only email her when she emails me? Should I call her first or wait for her to call me? Should I avoid going Dutch altogether on dates? Are flowers appropriate for a first date? Is a hug ok, or would a kiss on the cheek do? And what do we talk about? Will the conversation flow, or will things get awkward. Compounding things even more, will I be able to understand her speech since I’m hearing impaired? Or will she have the kind of low voice I’ll barely be able to understand?

These thoughts and more invade my mind at breakneck speed. I’m constantly analyzing myself and every word she’s written to me, trying to make sense of it all. It’s enough to drive even the most mild mannered of people crazy. I definitely need to slow down and take it easy with all this. But when you’re a guy like me who has far too much time on his hands, even the most trivial of things can weight heavily on our minds.

As things stand right now, I guess the next important step is to talk on the phone. For normal people, this would usually be the first thing they do, but because I’m hearing impaired, me and the phones don’t get along too well. I put it off afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her clearly and hence embarrass myself. But I get the feeling she is more of a phone person than an email one, and this is something I may just have to risk, especially if it helps us connect more and determine whether this is something worth pursuing any further.

I’m reminded of a phrase I’ve heard once before: “Life is nothing without risks.” I think it’s time I need to start getting out of my shell and start taking chances. If I get burned…..AGAIN…. well, so be it.

Tags: affection, best friend, circle of friends, correspondence, couch potato, dating, email, emotions, etiquette, excuse, facade, fear, flip side, gaps, heart, insecurity, internet, loner, love, myriad, parents, risks, romance, siblings, uptown girl, women, worlds apart
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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