I’m often criticized for taking a lone ranger approach to life, and while it’s true that I’ve always been a loner, I’m not against looking for help when I really need it. I knew if I wanted to build a successful blog that I was going to need some kind of support to help me get going, and one of the things that held my site back in particular has been this irritating problem where the footer just wouldn’t stay where it belonged. It kept jumping all over the place and screwing my sidebars up, so as a temporary fix I removed the sidebars from most of my pages. That wasn’t really a solution though, so I started checking around for blog designers I could hire to fix the problem for me.

If I could tell you how many emails I’ve sent out to designers that never got returned, you’d never believe it. You’d think they’d want my business, but I guess I’m not enough of a lucrative prospect for them. Snobs.

Finally, one designer got back to me and worked on my site for a couple of hours, then gave up. He also left one of my sidebars crooked, but promised to look into it, as well as look into a javascript solution I suggested to him to fix the footer. I didn’t hear back from him again until almost a week later, where he sent me a “Dear John” type email suggesting that I’m better off going with a complete revamp of the site. Sure, what’s another 800 bucks or so to destroy the months of work I’ve put into my blog and replace it with whatever crap they had in mind?

Man, when you want something done…

That weekend I rolled up my sleeves and went to work on the blog myself. I only had a rudimentary understanding of CSS, javascript and whatnot, but I kept at it for the whole day and by some miracle of God, I managed to pull it off. The footer issue was finally resolved.

I spent a few hours more banging my head on the keyboard, trying to get my sidebars looking right across different browsers, but without much luck until I started using Firebug, which is quite possibly the greatest web development tool ever invented in the history of mankind. I was able to test and check the results of CSS modifications I made in real time, rather than saving the file, uploading it, reloading my browser, and repeating as necessary ad infinitum. It also helped me locate what file was causing my site to take forever to finish loading, and after I got rid of that it was like I had a new blog all over again.

Deal with THAT, you cheapskate freelance web designers.

Seriously, I learned a lesson here. One, that God is merciful. Two, that people suck big monkey balls. In the end, I realized my project here was going to be a solo operation after all. But I do faith that whatever I can put my mind to, I can achieve, not because I’m so talented and all, but because God is capable of opening up my understanding, and within His will, I can “do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.”

Today’s blogosphere consists of a huge network of blogs linked together a variety of ways, most commonly via blogrolls or with the use of linkbacks. Normally, in order to fully assimilate and become a part of this blogging collective, you would need to surf a considerable number of blogs and regularly comment on the latest postings, either via their commenting system, or by blogging a post on your own site and referencing the material in question there (which is where linkbacks usually come in).

I rarely do this, which is part of the reason why my traffic is usually so low. Because I’m not putting myself out there, my visitors usually come in via Google or by word of mouth. But if I’m interested in getting more hits to my blog, why don’t I invest the time necessary to give it more exposure by participating more actively in the blogosphere community?

The truth is, gosh darn it, I just don’t like you people. Most of you are lewd, rude and appallingly crude. And you’re ugly. And you probably smell bad too.

Since I’m a loner in real life, that seems to have translated in some respects over to my blogging life as well. When I reflect on this, I realized part of it is because I just can’t stomach hanging out with people who are A) airheaded morons who have about as much common sense as a drunken Barbra Streisand or B) morally corrupt individuals who enjoy waking up in strange places after a night of inebriation and snorting up white powder. Then there’s the occasional C) self anointed intellectuals who use an inflated vocabulary to argue or discuss anything from politics to relationships, when half the time their fond use of lofty words used by only 2 percent of the population merely disguises the fact that they are just as much a bunch of dumbasses as the entire cast of contestants on The Bachelor.

Evidently though, just finding a circle of people who have a good head on their shoulders, follow a reasonable moral code, and refrain from talking like 80 year old law professors so they can show people just how diddly darned smart they are seems to be a tall order these days.

Oh well. I guess that’s the price I pay for being unique.

Ever since Uptown Girl wrote back to me, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I wanted more than anything to meet her in person and see if we could hit it off right away, but I knew I wasn’t ready just yet. I was also afraid once she saw me in real life she would become extremely disappointed and that would be the end of it. By keeping our correspondence online for the time being, I could at least maintain the facade of being the kind of guy she was actually interested in.

But now that it’s been a week since I last heard from her, I’m wondering all over again whether I’m just being humored here. She did indicate that she would have a busy week at work, but was that just an excuse? Was she already looking elsewhere but just didn’t have the heart to tell me she was no longer interested? Maybe she’s already dating someone else even. Or maybe…. she really was just busy this week.

But I wonder, does she think about me? Does she wonder about the kind of person I am, about my past, whether I would be a good lover and friend to her? Or am I the last thing on her mind? On the flip side, I wonder what she’s looking for. Does she really want someone like me to be not just a part of her life, but an important part? Would I inspire the kind of affection that she would clear a whole weekend just so she could spend time with me? Or would I merely be someone to fill in the gaps of her otherwise busy life?

I also realized her world was totally foreign to me. She grew up with several siblings. I was an only child. She went to a prestigious school and graduated with honors. I went to a no name college and garnered modest grades. She has a healthy circle of friends going back to her school days. I was a loner who had parted ways with his last and best friend over 5 years ago. She lives on her own. I still lived with my parents. She was a fitness addict. I was a couch potato. She loves to go out all the time. I usually spent most of my time on the Internet. She worked for a renowned company in the private sector. I was a civil service employee working in a dump of a department that apparently seems unconcerned that it’s violating several health codes.

The fact is, we were worlds apart. And I am totally scared that once she gets a glimpse of my world, she’d definitely run for the hills. In a way though, a lot of this hasn’t been my doing, but just the circumstances of life, which apparently for some reason has it out for me. All I can hope for is that she’ll be understanding of it all and give me a chance anyway. If she does just that, I could love her forever. I went through life where very few people, and certainly not any beautiful women were willing to give me a chance to prove my worth. I was always written off, abandoned, or discarded like doggie poo. Facing the possibility that a beautiful and accomplished woman would, despite all my flaws, want to be with me is a concept utterly alien to me. And with it I find myself groping in the dark trying to figure out the proper etiquettes of how to move forward from here. How often to email her? Do I only email her when she emails me? Should I call her first or wait for her to call me? Should I avoid going Dutch altogether on dates? Are flowers appropriate for a first date? Is a hug ok, or would a kiss on the cheek do? And what do we talk about? Will the conversation flow, or will things get awkward. Compounding things even more, will I be able to understand her speech since I’m hearing impaired? Or will she have the kind of low voice I’ll barely be able to understand?

These thoughts and more invade my mind at breakneck speed. I’m constantly analyzing myself and every word she’s written to me, trying to make sense of it all. It’s enough to drive even the most mild mannered of people crazy. I definitely need to slow down and take it easy with all this. But when you’re a guy like me who has far too much time on his hands, even the most trivial of things can weight heavily on our minds.

As things stand right now, I guess the next important step is to talk on the phone. For normal people, this would usually be the first thing they do, but because I’m hearing impaired, me and the phones don’t get along too well. I put it off afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her clearly and hence embarrass myself. But I get the feeling she is more of a phone person than an email one, and this is something I may just have to risk, especially if it helps us connect more and determine whether this is something worth pursuing any further.

I’m reminded of a phrase I’ve heard once before: “Life is nothing without risks.” I think it’s time I need to start getting out of my shell and start taking chances. If I get burned…..AGAIN…. well, so be it.