Tag Archives | loneliness

A mind of mush, and why it makes me want to kill people and break things

Written by on June 22, 2011
Filed Under Personal Reflections

Lately if I could remember my own name, I consider it a success worthy of the Nobel prize. My mind has just been in a funk lately, uninspired to blog, uninspired to plan any new trips, uninspired to do pretty much of anything except roll into bed and sleep for a 100 years.

And I think I know why I’ve become like this lately. I have the kind of mind that needs to be stimulated in order to stay sharp, or in other words, to be challenged with a concept or a puzzle that forces me to engage my brain juices. The times I feel most alive are the times when I’m exploring something new (and hence why I’ve been infected by the wanderlust bug.) Uncharted territory that kicks my mojo into action so it can start processing this new, uncharted information and try to make sense of it all.

You know what helped in this regard? What REALLY helped a LOT? Having friends. Actual, living, breathing friends I could relate to, who were blessed with an intelligence that often challenged my own. It’s just a fact plain as day that close friends will make you see the world in a way you haven’t considered before, offering perspectives and truths that would have never even occurred to you. Think Odd Couple, Shawn and Gus (from Psych), Tango and Cash, Milo and Otis. There’s a biblical proverb about friendship: “iron sharpens iron…” that bore a simple truth as to why my mind was far more active, and why I actually FELT better whenever I conversed with my closest friends on a regular basis. They got me to THINK.

And now I want to kill them all.

Imagine if you will, your favorite restaurant opened a new place just down the road from you. And by favorite I mean every conceivable goodie that has ever blessed your taste buds, they have in ample supply. A restaurant so good God would be happy to build that same restaurant into your future heavenly mansion just because He knows how much you love it so. Not only that, but this restaurant has a book section, so you can go in, order your favorite whoopie pie with a stack of fried twinkies toothpicked on top just for good measure, curl up with a nice book, and engage your mind and senses in a immensely satisfying way. And even better, the fried twinkies are actually healthy for you (yes yes I know, but this is an analogy, so shut up, fitness freaks.)

But… imagine if suddenly, that restaurant changed its policy so that it’s now open only once a week. And then shortly after THAT, the policy changed again so it’s now open only once a month.

So what happens when you find the ONE PROVEN THING that can keep the gears in your head chugging along in blissful ease is now only available to you once a month? Suddenly, a mind once pondering Einstein’s theory of relativity is now either in a drunken stupor, or completely mad with blind, unhinged rage.

That’s me now. That’s what happened when “friends,” who once had all the time in the world for me, now have NO time for me because they need to tend to their stupid jobs and stupid families and other stupid obligations that have consumed their lives so completely that if I died today, they wouldn’t learn of my demise for another 6 or 7 months. What about ME, huh? What about MY needs?

And now that I’ve been thoroughly abandoned, I’m forced to find something else to occupy my mind with, except that now, I’m so unmotivated and drained of energy that I can’t even do that anymore. Maybe it has to do with having befriended another person recently I seemed to connect with, only to find that SHE has no time for me either. Seriously, why do I even bother anymore? So now, I’m just kind of coasting along on auto pilot, wandering aimlessly in the world (and more recently in Star Trek Online, where I’m currently engaged in a passionate love affair with my Borg officer), wondering if I’ll ever find another version of my favorite restaurant again that will actually stay OPEN this time.

Yearning, for my calorie free fried twinkies and whoopie pies.

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Well I won’t be doing THAT again for a while…

Written by on May 19, 2011
Filed Under Tumblelog

Made a near midnight run to 7-11 for cookies and ice cream.  You know, it’s right down the block from me and I’m thinking it’s late, nobody should be around and I can get my goodies in peace.  Instead I run into a old lady flailing her arms because her car broke down, running around the store like we got hit by a nuclear attack, and then some cute girl, and I mean REALLY cute girl, with hot pink sweatpants comes in too… on the back of her boyfriend… and start making out in the ice cream section before I can get to my Haagen Dazs.

Because you know, I need to be constantly reminded that I’m single and nobody wants me, even at 11 o’ clock at night at a 7-11.

Just shoot me now.

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A Melancholy Evening in Portland

Written by on February 15, 2011
Filed Under Travelogues

Been feeling a little blue today, partly because I haven’t been feeling well, and partly because the loneliness has been creeping in while I was hanging out at the lounge.

I was at the Portland Museum of Art for most of the morning, a pleasant surprise as I found most of the art to be intriguing and fascinating to look at. There was one in particular that really captivated me, titled “Autumn Birches,” by Albert Bierstadt:

Autumn Birches by Albert Bierstadt

I <3 this painting.

You know how it is when you first glance at a painting, your initial thought is, “Meh, looks nice?” But then you take a closer look, and after a while it starts to speak to you? That was my experience. It was a painting that embodied everything I loved about nature: mountains, fall foliage, even a darkened sky that hinted at a coming storm. I knew all about that storm too: it was my life after all, which began on the same day a violent hurricane hit our coastlines, and that same storm has been with me in some form or another ever since.

Yet at the same time, I welcomed it in a way, especially its raw power and destructive force. It had the capacity to destroy, while at the same time leaving behind the things that really mattered to me: such as the mountains and the trees with its vibrant autumn leaves. As violent and disruptive as these storms could be, in the end I was left with the hope that everything was still going to be ok. Life would still go on. The mountains would remain unmoved and the trees would continue to grow.

So in spite of this melancholy rain sweeping over me, evening will soon turn to morning and I can look forward to a new day, one taking me back to the safe mountains of New Hampshire.

Children's blocks spelling FIND LOVE

A set of children's blocks at the Portland Museum of Art

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

Written by on November 27, 2010
Filed Under Personal Reflections
Mini Christmas Tree with Soldier and Train

Ok, so it's small.

The decorations are up, and the Chipmunks are back on my iPod playlist.  It’s that time of year again, so you know what that means: time to plan another early Christmas getaway!  :-D  Last year I traveled to Stockbridge in Massachusetts in a quest to recapture the Christmas spirit, something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time.  I was somewhat successful, partly because it had snowed during the weekend I was there, creating a beautiful wintry wonderland that made me feel right at home.

This time I’ll be heading further north, all the way to New Hampshire to the very heart of the White Mountains. I found a place to stay with a fireplace and jacuzzi in Jackson, just a few miles from the busy town of North Conway. This will be the first time I’ve ever traveled to New Hampshire as an adult too, (I passed through once when I was 9 on the way to Maine), so I’m pretty excited.

I kinda wish I wasn’t going by myself though, but it’s like I decided before, if I just wait around for someone to share my life with, then I will have ended up wasting an entire life. And now I’m truly convinced I’ll never meet someone, so it’s time to really start putting this behind me. There was one Christmas tradition I used to follow that I’ll finally be ending this year: boycotting the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Because I never had a chance to see this film, I wanted to save the occasion for the day when “she” and I could watch it together. It was a stupid romantic notion, and year after year would go by without meeting “her” and thus never watching the movie.

This year however, I’m taking the DVD of “It’s a Wonderful Life” and I will finally end that silliness, accepting the reality that I am always going to be alone. I just wasn’t meant to get married or have a family, but you know what, I think I’m finally ok with that. As long as I keep traveling, and keep moving, I won’t have time to be lonely.

So instead of being financially and emotionally burdened down with a house, screaming kids and a wife who would probably hate my guts before long and have an affair with a Latino named Pancho Spanknuts, I’ll instead be in the snowy mountains once again, quietly sitting by the fireplace and sipping delicious hot cocoa, while the scents of Christmas from a Yankee Candle jar fills the air.

Is there really any better way to live?

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I Hate The Holidays

Written by on November 24, 2010
Filed Under Personal Reflections

There’s something about this time of year that always brings out the gangsta violence in me. It’s a time when all my online friends completely abandon me to go be with their families, and I have no recourse but to hang out with my real-life friends instead for company.

Only problem is, I don’t HAVE any real life friends.

Then there’s the obnoxious crowd raiding the stores so by the time I actually get to it, they’re all out of my favorite pumpkin pies. The roads are jammed up with drivers off their gourds, the supermarkets are stripped bare, the malls clogged up with early Christmas shoppers, and everyone is generally stressed out and being ugly to each other. It’s disgusting.

And then there’s being held captive by my own parents, who both seem to have this crazy notion that the holidays is a time for us to be together, not a time for me to disappear off into the mountains somewhere on my own so I could go…. err… spelunking.

I guess this time of year upsets me so much because it’s a reminder that I haven’t been able to forge a real bond with anyone outside my own family. Usually I pride myself on being anti-social and hermit-like in my personality, but this is probably one of the few times of the year when I regret being that way. I have nobody to share my life with, no one to plan adventures together with, no one to sit down and have a special meal together with. It’s just me, myself and I. When the time eventually comes when both my parents should leave this earth, I won’t have anybody. That’s why sometimes I secretly hope I will pass on before my parents do. At least this way they inherit my pension and possessions and can retire in comfort and peace.

I didn’t end up a loner for lack of trying either. I do my best to forge relationships with others, giving them time, attention, gifts and whatnot, but rarely is any of that reciprocated. I know at the end of the day and despite my best efforts, no one is going to be thinking of me or wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving unless I prompt them to. I’m just not memorable enough or important enough to even register as a blip on their social radar.

I think part of my problem is that what I’m looking for can’t be found in acquaintances or long distance friends who already lead busy lives with little time to spare for dead weight like me. I need a brand-of-brothers type of friendship that leaves me with the comfort of knowing no matter how down life can get, things are going to be ok, because you won’t have to have to face it alone. I always thought I could experience that if I could just find the right girl, or even a new best friend. But I think I’m pre-destined to live a life of solitude.

Ah well, maybe after Thanksgiving dinner I can find a way to sneak out and escape to the mountains when my parents aren’t looking.

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