So it’s Thanksgiving Eve, and they let everyone go home early!

Except of course, me. Not because I’m essential, mind you, but simply because I’ve caused trouble with the higher ups before, so this is either their way of getting back at me, or it’s because they presume because I’m youngish and single I obviously don’t have a life or a place to get to, so why would I need to leave early?

Really dudes? Place is a ghost town, there’s no work to be done, but hey, let’s keep me here till the dead of night! Awesome.

Like I needed more frigging reminders that this time of year always without fail turns me into a virginal orphan, real life Robert Neville, and gee don’t even say Happy Thanksgiving when y’all leave either. Suckfaces.

Crap I just get sick and tired of these boinky boink brains and their junior high school “let’s all be petty because lil’ old Linc here dared to defy us, and God only knows we need to salvage whatever’s left of our shriveled up nuts” mentality.

Yeah, I admit it, they got under my skin. God I hate being alone.

Tags: alone, depression, employer, home, loneliness, omega man, Thanksgiving, work
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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Today was probably the most fun day I’ve had in a while. I took an extended walk downtown, and armed with my iPod and my steely wits, I was ready to make a second go of geocaching.

I couldn’t locate the first cache on my list, but the second one proved to me why this would be a worthwhile hobby to pursue. It brought me to a little known deck 30 feet high that had a garden and a breathtaking view of the waters. On such a gorgeous day as this, it was truly a major treat for me. Had it not been for geocaching, I never would have discovered this little known spot. It really does provide a great way for me to see the world from a whole new perspective.

Even though my iPod started going boinky on me, I did manage to pinpoint the area where the cache would be, leading me to an inconspicuous looking park bench:

Hmmmmmmmm...

After feeling and groping around the area like a lonely old man at a brothel, my efforts at long last were finally rewarded:

Yes my friends, I am no longer a geocache weenie virgin.

I look around to make sure no one was watching, then pulled out the cache and opened it up. It contained a logbook signed by all the other cachers who had also found the box. No trinkets or coins to be had though, but I was happy enough just to FIND the flipping thing.

I signed my name as well and carefully out it back in its place, then went out onto the deck to a enjoy a splendid view of the city.

And the best thing about all this, was that I didn’t really feel lonely. One of the biggest reasons why I rarely go out these days was because I just can’t stand to watch the world as they walked around in pairs. It always brought me pain and the constant reminder that I was always alone. But I didn’t feel that today. Instead I felt… happy. I was so busy hunting down geocaches and enjoying a view of the city that I had forgotten all about my loneliness, and for the first time in a long while, I could actually enjoy being single again.

Up next for a fun day of cache hunting: Sleepy Hollow! I might be able to pull that off this weekend before I head off to Pennsylvania for a bluegrass show, and yes I realize that also happens to be the same weekend as Halloween, but I’m not worried. I’m much more manlier than Ichabod ever was anyway.

Unless we’re talking the Johnny Depp version, then we’re like, totally even.

Tags: cache, city, geocache, geocaching, ipod touch, loneliness, lonely, park, single
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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And that is without a doubt, because by next year I’ll not only be debt free, I’ll also have a nice little nest egg too, so I’ll be able to afford a hooker for V-Day 2010. 

What?  I’m not gonna do anything, I’m just looking for the company, that’s all. 

Hopefully though it won’t come to that.  Maybe sometime between now and next February, things will have changed enough that the doors to love will finally swing open, and young, single women everywhere will suddenly discover my inner hotness and wubs me for who I am, green warts and all.  It could happen right?

I want to believe it could happen, and indeed I was even given a sign that it would happen, but here’s the thing:  I suck.  I truly, unequivocally, unquestionably suck a moose’s dead cooties.

No decent girl on this earth who has lived a virtuous life full of kindness and charity should have to be punished by being saddled with a mooch guzzling hairy buttbag like me.  I really don’t deserve to have someone special in my life.  I don’t deserve to have a helpmate, a best friend, an equal partner in love.  I don’t deserve to be happy.

I’ve been a failure my whole life, and I will always be a failure.  That’s just how it is, and the kind of girl I’m looking for deserves nothing less than a winner.  Besides, it’s too late to meet someone anyway.  I’m already past my prime, I’m disabled, my hair is turning gray and I’ll probably be bald by Christmas, and God knows I’m already ugly enough as it is.  All I’ve ever wanted was to experience young love, and that opportunity has finally slipped away.  I’ll never know what it’s like to “rejoice with the wife of my youth.”  I’ll never know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s in love with me.

I don’t even see the point of blogging any more.  All I’ve done was work myself like a dog for over two years to keep this site going and hoping some day to profit from it, and then I have to watch while others blog for merely a week and suddenly they get opportunities left and right without even breaking a sweat.  Why?  Because I suck.  Al Bundy has had more success than me.  At least he scored 4 touchdowns in a high school football game.  I was in the marching band, and I wasn’t even first string either.

Sigh.  I suck.

Tags: Al Bundy, blog, depression, failure, hooker, loneliness, love, sadness, single, success, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I hate Friday nights when I’m working.  My schedule is set up that I have to work by myself till late, so there’s no one around in the office, and the building itself pretty much shuts down except for a few stragglers here and there.

Usually this is the time for me to strip down to my undies and start watching Hulu while chowing down on pizza, or prance around the office to the sound of Loverboy’s “Working for the Weekend,” but over the years it’s gotten to be a pretty depressing time for me.  It’s like I’m the only person left in the world, with no one to talk to, and it’s just me getting intimate here with a stack of papers until it was finally and mercifully time to go home.

So imagine my surprise when all of a sudden, while I was playing with my pens and swooning to Survivor’s “High On You,” this gorgeous brown-eyed girl materializes out of nowhere.

“Hi, I was wondering if you had change for a dollar?  The soda machine won’t take singles here.”

I looked at her and wondered if she was real.  She had long flowing, dark brown hair and had deeply tanned skin, and was dressed up in a classy outfit that would have been fit for weddings and funerals.  Her eyes seemed to dance.

“Mmwhhh… maawhhmmmm?”  Was all I could manage to get out.

“What?”

“Ah… bahmmywhhhhhw… chhh… chhh… ange?  Yeah, um sure, um, let me see…”

I promptly opened up all the drawers at my desk.  Oh please, please, please let there be change somewhere, anywhere, please, quarters, nickels, Lord, please, help me help me help me help me…

“Sorry, we usually keep a stash somewhere for the sodas, but I we’re out it tapped, uh tapped it out, uh it’s gone, I mean…”

“Awww, that’s ok, I’ll see if maintenance has anything.  Thanks anyway!”  She smiled brightly, then left, almost as quickly as she appeared.

I sat there for a minute, trying to unfreeze my brain to say something, ANYTHING besides the typical office banter.  You know, something like, “Honey, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I would regret it forever if I didn’t ask you right now if you wanted to get together some time, and see if our meeting here hadn’t in fact been arranged by the stars of destiny and true love.”

But nothing came out.  I hung my head and went back to turn up the speakers again, where Pandora had been dutifully playing Eric Carmen.

“Allllll byyyyyy myyyyyyseeeeelf, don’t wanna be…”

Tags: banter, brown eyed girl, Friday, friday night, girl, loneliness, pandora, soda, working
Categories: In The Coal Mine, Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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There used to be a time in my life when Christmas actually FELT like Christmas.  I used to get into it so much that I would get out my Christmas tree and start decorating before even Halloween itself came around, much less the holiday season.

The magic in the air was just intoxicating, and I could always smell the fresh, sweet aroma of evergreen everywhere I went.  Lights would twinkle, while carolers jingled, and sometimes if we had a cooler than normal season, we’d even get snow to complete the ensemble.  And of course there was my favorite tradition of all time: the mistletoe. 

Yep, it was that time of year that made me prance me around like Pee Wee Herman in blissful joy joy happiness.

But then something happened.  Year after year we would go through the same ritual as before, but the magic was somehow gone.  I just couldn’t experience the joys of celebrating the season like I used to.  Somewhere along the line, I had grown up.

I went from the little kid who would breathlessly wait for Christmas morning to come before flying to the living room at breakneck speed to open his presents, to someone who was now spending every Christmas season, alone.

Oh, so very alone.

It didn’t seem fair that my favorite season had to be ruined each passing year just because I didn’t have anyone special in my life.  That shouldn’t have to matter, right?  But it does, somehow.  It always matters, especially around this time of year.  I always thought about what I was missing, not about what I already had, and yet no matter how hard I tried, the despair of loneliness just couldn’t be fended off, and it would drop over my spirit like a wet, smothering blanket.

Christmas was now a time that made me yearn for a life where I could share these precious moments with her, whoever she was.  I wanted to see her laugh every time a Chipmunks song came on.  I wanted to see her eyes twinkle as she hung ornaments on our tree.  I wanted to see her hold me close as we danced and kissed under the mistletoe.  These were moments I could see only in fragmented dreams, in visions that would tease me with promises of happiness and love, only to fade away to the dark realities of my failed existence.

But still I hoped.  Still I push on, ever forward, ever hoping that dreams do indeed come true, and that one day, some day, I will see the Christmas stars of a wish come true reflected in her beautiful eyes.

Some day…

Tags: alone, Christmas, christmas season, christmas tree, despair, dream, dreams, holiday season, loneliness, love, mistletoe, tradition
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Death,

Surrounds us,

Draws us,

Time stands still,

Yet moves so quickly,

Alone,

Unwanted,

Unloved,

Darkness seeps in,

I am cold,

Am I alive, or am I a ghost?

Tags: alone, death, depression, loneliness, poem
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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