Now that it’s been two years since I created this blog, where do I go from here?

Looking back, it’s interesting to see how things played out.  When I first started out in 2006, I blogged under the assumption that I would be eventually be attending law school later that fall.  I thought the name “Habitation of Justice” was a suitable name then, and the blog would have basically been a chronicle of my adventures in law school, as well as my subsequent journey into the legal profession.  Since I was so focused on getting everything in place so I’d be ready in time for school, I rarely posted for the first year.

Eventually though I had to defer my enrollment when my hopes for a scholarship fell through.  The deferment lasted a year, but nothing had really changed by the time it ended, so I had no choice but to withdraw.  I made one more try by attempting to go to school part-time at a local university instead, but eventually those plans fell through as well.

When it seemed like my whole future had collapsed, I eventually became fixated on making money off my blog, and spent the rest of 2007 working towards that end.  I devoured everything I could find about making money online, getting more and more frustrated because most of what I read were actually tips that I had already read off dozens of other sites, so I ended up reading the same fricking material over and over again.  Yet this was an idea I wanted to work so bad because I hated my job, and the allure of being able to live off the Internet was a really strong one.  2007 was all about establishing my blogging identity and doing whatever I could to bring in the traffic I needed so I could turn my blog into a money making machine.

That of course also met with miserable failure.  I had a huge identity crisis to deal with in that I just didn’t know what my blog should be about, and I knew I had to find a niche I was passionate about but still could make good money in.  I dabbled in doing paid reviews and other gimmicks here and there, but nothing really met with success.   All I could do was burn with envy at those who had become wildly successful with their own blogs, and nothing I could do could even remotely come near to their level of success.  The kicker was reading about a 19 year old weenie punk of a teenager who was raking in tens of thousands of dollars a month by running fake review sites containing hidden affiliate links.  They seemed to make money without even trying, and they did it with impunity.

Eventually I just gave up.  2008 began with me resigning myself to the fact that I would never get anywhere in life, much less with my blog.  I had no skills, no talent, nothing I could offer that could make this whole endeavor worthwhile.  The initial hope I had during the beginning of the year quickly dissipated as my health started to deteriorate, and I sunk even lower in despair and loneliness, fearing that I would forever be trapped in a dead end job and a dead end life.

But then somewhere along the way, in the midst of all that self-pity and despair, hope once again began to spring eternal.  The more I thought about law school, the more I began to believe God was doing me a favor.  I was happy enough to accept that such was His will, but what I was NOT happy about was being strung along for over a year when I kept asking and begging for confirmation that I was going down the right path.  Yet when I think about it, maybe it took so long to get an answer because I was meant to learn something in all that, and who knows what kind of chain of events that whole experience set off too, which I may not ever truly realize the depths of until later on in life.  They say sometimes the journey itself is more important than the destination, and I think that wise proverb applies here as well.

I also started to realize that part of the reason I had such an identity crisis was because I was trying to mimic other people’s lives (and subsequently the successes they enjoyed.)  I was trying to fit the square peg that I was into the circle of life, and as long as I continued to do that I’d never be able to move forward.  When I finally began to accept that my life was being defined by a complete different set of standards apart from the world’s own, I started to feel much better.  And my blog at long last began to take coherent shape.  My journal here is ultimately, a personal one, a catalog of both my physical and spiritual journey through life.  And that is probably what it will always be.

It also occurred to me that the driving force of my personality was my humor.  It was both sardonic and sententious, expressing an outright disdain of life’s petty silliness and the world’s stupidity, especially those of Christians who should know better.  Laced in sarcasm and saltiness, my voice was a fire breathing one, crying out in the wilderness that is the Internet, and because of it I would alienate all, and yet somehow, I would also allure all.  My life was nothing else, if not a paradox.  Here the laws of physics come to an end, and the laws that only God can control begin to take hold.

I still dream of a life of self sufficiency, where I no longer have to be tied down to one place, but can travel freely and live freely, (writing about these experiences on my blog of course), and doing those things that never would have been possible had I had a wife, a family, and a house that surely would have kept me chained down with obligations I doubt I could ever fulfill.

That’s why I feel the road calling out to me.  It beckons, with its hidden dangers (as well as hidden promises.)  There may soon come a day when I will don my leather jacket, and ride my Black Stallion to wherever that highway takes me, hoping to find that spiritual and physical dwelling where true justice reigns supreme.

The Habitation of Justice.  

Update: How about them GIANTS, eh Patriots fans?

Even though it already seems to be something of an American tradition, I’ve always been one to root for the underdog, which is partly why I’ll be rooting for the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl this Sunday, so they can finally wipe the smug expressions off the faces of those arrogant Patsie snotballs.

It’s always gratifying to see a team or a person accomplish something that nobody on this planet expected them to achieve, because if they can do it, it makes you believe you can to.

My own life has been the life of an underdog as well. Because I had an idiot for a father, and because I had several disabilities holding me back, it was expected that I wouldn’t amount to much when I grew up. Teachers were already recommending that I be put in Special Resources, (which to put it uncharitably, is where they dump all the retards.)

I quickly exceeded expectations though, and when it became obvious I wasn’t being challenged enough, I kept moving up the tracks until I found myself taking honors-level classes. When high school came around, I even took advanced classes that helped me earn college credits before I graduated. By the time I finished my academic career, I had already earned two college degrees. In addition, during the time I spent contemplating a career as an attorney, I had scored above average on the LSAT and had been accepted to several law schools.

Not bad for a retard, eh?

Yet even now, I’m still treated like an underdog. I’m never taken seriously, and whenever I come across people looking for aid, help or advice, they take one good look at me and decide I’m not worth their time.

And then when something happens that completely defies their biased perception of me, they’re left in a state of complete and utter shock.

Eh, whatever. I sort of like being the underdog now. Being the guy who continuously proves everyone wrong. Being the guy who can succeed in the face of a world who had already declared him a hopeless failure.

Despite my unexpected accomplishments, if they still think I won’t ever amount to much, then I have only one thing to say to them:

GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Californian fires got me thinking about how much worth people place on material possessions, and how quickly it can all be lost through circumstances beyond our control. It’s so difficult and takes so long to build up our material wealth, and yet the cruelties of life have shown us that in a mere moment it can all be taken away.

I certainly learned that lesson when I lost my house and found myself utterly homeless for the first time in my life. The feeling that you suddenly have no place on earth anymore to call home is simply indescribable. It was surreal for me, and the shock of that experience changed me forever. These days I no longer place any value in owning a home, and I continue to wittle down my possessions in order to make myself more mobile. Nowadays I place my value in my independence and the freedom of not being tied down to one location. I want to be able to move any where on a dime’s notice, and as a result I’ve been making it a rule of mine to ensure I don’t own more than what I can fit into my own car. Fortunately though I own a SUV.

For the longest time I’ve romanticized the idea of living a nomadic lifestyle, and whenever disaster strikes somewhere in the U.S., I liked the idea that such a lifestyle meant I could just hop in my car and go to lend whatever helping hand I could. I hated to watch these kinds of events unfold, (such as the fires happening now), while I was stuck on the sidelines, tied down to a dead end job, suffering from poor health and with bills that never seem to stop coming. I haven’t entirely proved myself useless though, since I’m using my income to help provide for relatives in need, but there was a part of me that always held on to the notion that I was meant to do more. Not merely token gestures of charity, but the capacity to truly help those in need in ways I’m either incapable or have been unwilling to do now.

To me this felt like the real way to live. It would feel right. It would feel JUST.

There’s a Hebrew word that describes my feelings here, down to a T. The word is Tzedakah, and while it is translated to mean “charity” in English, in truth the meaning is much deeper than that. According to Judaism 101:

“Tzedakah” is the Hebrew word for the acts that we call “charity” in English: giving aid, assistance and money to the poor and needy or to other worthy causes. However, the nature of tzedakah is very different from the idea of charity. The word “charity” suggests benevolence and generosity, a magnanimous act by the wealthy and powerful for the benefit of the poor and needy. The word “tzedakah” is derived from the Hebrew root Tzadei-Dalet-Qof, meaning righteousness, justice or fairness. In Judaism, giving to the poor is not viewed as a generous, magnanimous act; it is simply an act of justice and righteousness, the performance of a duty, giving the poor their due.

When I first started this blog I was under the belief that I would eventually attend law school so I could help find justice for those in need as an attorney, and when those plans fell through, I felt like my life was basically over, and as a result I sunk even further in my depression. Before the thought of law school I once had a lifelong dream of establishing a career in law enforcement, but after 7 years of working in one of the most corrupt law enforcement agencies I’ve ever witnessed in all of creation, that dream was pretty much derailed as well.

Law enforcement didn’t pan out, the legal profession didn’t pan out, so where was I supposed to find justice?

Then I thought, maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. It’s a given that God never sees things the way we do, and maybe there’s huge part of a picture in all this that I’ve just haven’t been able to see yet. Maybe the kind of justice I’m looking for can’t be found in a courtroom, or from wearing a badge. Instead of letting myself completely unravel and succumbing to my depression, it might be time to consider that there really is a life being prepared for me that will end up being better than anything I’ve ever imagined, and the kind of justice I seek and find in that life will prove to be more profound and far more rewarding. I just need to believe it again.

I still have a long way to go before I can finally consider myself ready for such a life, but it’s time I broke this cycle of despair and began my own personal basic training program.

After a little over a year of this blog being online, I have finally reached my 200th post!

I have to admit that’s kind of sad. After a year’s time I should have had twice as many posts by now, and if I had stuck with posting at least one entry a day, my traffic would be ten times what it is now. Maybe.

Oh well, the good news is that when it comes to blogging, it’s all about endurance, and I just have to keep at it, even if I still don’t know what the heck this blog should be about. I went from thinking this blog would be based on my experiences in law school (and ultimately the legal field), only to end up griping about how online dating bites the big one, and how my health problems has been sucking out the life out of me, and how I think God is to blame for every little thing that has ever gone wrong in my life since I came out of the womb.

Still, I’m beginning to see the value in posting at least one entry a day. It’s helping me find my rhythm, and as the writing continues to flow I think I’ll eventually find my muse as well. It’s just a matter of time. Meanwhile my more frequent posting has already had an impact on traffic. I seem to be ranking highly in Google again, and as a result more people are coming from the search results they’re finding there.

I’m reminded of the Scripture, “Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.“

And I guess that’s the important thing. No matter if I haven’t found my niche yet, or how bad my writing can get at times. Just gotta keep at it… keep going… let nothing break my stride, and just keep on movin’…

Today marks the one year anniversary of the Habitation of Justice. I should say something profound, so here it is:

The chocolate moose is not in season.

If you can figure that out, let me know. On a more serious note, as far as blogs go, this has been a pretty quiet year for me. There were times when I literally would get only one visitor a day, and sometimes I’d let weeks go by before blogging another post. I had been focused on other things, (like going to law school), but as soon as it became clear that my life wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon, I started to pay more attention to my blog. The last few months were all about promoting my site and optimizing it for search engines so I could bring in more traffic. Now I’m getting upwards of about 100 visits a day, which is still nowhere close to my goal, but at least it’s much better than what it used to be.

Sooooo, now that it’s been a year, where do I go from here? What direction should I take this blog in? Ever since my law school dream bombed out, I’ve been entertaining fantasies on how I could make a living out of blogging instead, quitting my dead end job and hitting the road, living the life of a nomad as I moved from place to place, finding ways to help people I encountered in my travels, and experiencing exciting new adventures that would endlessly provide great writing fodder for my blog.

Could it happen? Not unless I can find a way to monetize my blog so that it brings in a full time income, a feat that only one half of one percent of all bloggers on the Internet have been able to accomplish. And usually those types of blogs have the kind of niches where they tell everyone else how THEY can make money off their sites. Either that, or it’s rife with affiliate marketing and other business related themes that I simply can’t get into. I just don’t have the mentality for it. I can only tell a story, and telling stories through this particularly venue has not proven to be an especially profitable one for most people.

But…. it’s all I got. After racking my brain trying to come up with a niche suitable for me, I decided that it had to be something that I could always love doing, rather than delving into a niche only because it might prove to be more of a money maker. I loved to write, but not about products and marketing and technology and business and whatnot, but about life in general. About what’s real. About my deepest emotions, hopes, and despairs. About my life experiences, and how readers could relate to it. But I realized in order to blog about life, I had to first HAVE a life.

So I guess that’s what will define my second year: finding a life worthy of blogging about, and telling a story that could immerse the reader in my riveting world. Well… at least as riveting as I can possibly make it.

Only time will tell if this will be my breakout year (both online and offline), and whether I’ll be able to generate the kind of readership that I’ve been looking for.

So stay tuned, it’s going to get very interesting from here on out.

Well, I did have a nice six day reprieve from work, but that ends tomorrow (uhh, make that today.) Joy joy, joy joy joy.

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever hated my job as much as I do now. An awful boss running us into the ground, an awful coworker whose useless, fat wide load of an ass takes up valuable real estate in our section, a workload that’s spiraling out of control, and colleagues with frayed nerves that makes me wonder if my bullet riddled carcass might soon end up on the news.

I guess it’s no surprise then that I’ve thrown everything into getting this blog off the ground, not only to boost traffic levels, but also to make some serious coins out of it so I can get the holy hell outta here. 7 years I’ve been at this job, with no end in sight. Something’s gotta give.

I really thought I had something going though by deciding to apply for law school, and I can’t believe how it all turned to crap, even in spite of almost two years of praying, seeking, knocking and begging for answers. Instead of being shown the way, I get jerked around by a God who really seems to be doing His darndest best to show me how much He hates my filthy hide.

Fine. Message received. Way to show the world how You take care of your own by screwing them over when they need Your help the most. Sheesh. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not Lord, but I’m feeling pretty fricking abandoned and betrayed right now.

Ok, calm down Linc…. breathe in… breathe out… serenity now…

To be honest, it really is disconcerting to feel this deep seated rage boil up within me whenever I think about the events of the past few years, from getting evicted out into the streets, to getting stuck in a dead end, soul sucking job, to watching my health deteriorate and my prospects dry up, even while everyone else around me find their true loves, marry up and move on to greener pastures, and here I am, still stuck in first gear, partly because I was stupid enough to believe God had something better prepared for me, and that I need only be patient enough to wait for it. Sure, all fine and good, until I finally realized that only applies to people He actually gives a rip about.

Well ok then, how about this: You hate me, I hate You, so let’s just stay out of each other’s way from now on, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to salvage the remaining pieces of my almost completely destroyed life, mmmmkay?