MOVE YOURSELF!
You always live your life,
Never thinking of the future…

PROVE YOURSELF!
You are the move you make,
Take your chances winner/loser…

I was planning to blog a short series of posts given the unusual lineup of Friday the 13th being followed by Valentine’s Day this year.  Ironically enough both days have significant meanings to me.  One of the worst days of my life happened on Valentine’s Day, while my career plans to attend law school effectively ended on a Friday the 13th.

Instead I got caught up staring at my server logs all day long because my blog kept going down in flames during heavy traffic spikes, and I couldn’t figure out why.  It got to the point that I was ready to quit blogging once and for all.  That’s how upset I was.

In a way I feel like this is it, the last option I have in weaving a career and a life that I could be happy with.  And given the times we live in today, I don’t think I could have picked anything as monumentally stupid to stake my future on than this.  But I felt like I had no choice.  God had closed every other door I tried, to the point that it seems like my destiny will amount to nothing more than working a deadend job and living with Mommy dearest until I die of a brain tumor.

And just to make sure I absolutely know what a miserable failure I am, let’s have a blogging success story that I can only dream about thrown in my face the very same day I spend hours crying and tearing my hair out over my own malfunctioning blog.  Yes, let’s do that, because God knows my batter and bruised esteem simply hasn’t been stomped on enough throughout the years.

Why does that happen anyway?  Am I imagining this?  Because it seems like whenever I’m at a pivotal point where I endure a major setback or failure, right at my lowest moment I get bashed over the head by the prosperity and success of others close to me.  What the hell, dude.

It seems like the entire universe is conspiring together to either drive me to suicide or a catatonic state where I spend the rest of my days staring at the wall of a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why all of life is determined to crush whatever hope is left in me, and that it actually seems to step up its efforts to do so on Valentine’s Day.

SEE YOURSELF!
You are the steps you take,
You and you – and that’s the only way…

SHAKE -  SHAKE YOURSELF!
You’re every move you make,
So the story goes…

There does come a point where I have to shake the hurt off and move on though.  And I guess this year is going to be all about accomplishing just that.  I can either move forward and push just as hard as life keeps pushing me until I finally prevail, or I can lay down and die, both spiritual and physically.  But no matter how beaten down I’ve been, that hope that’s still flickering somewhere inside me continues to survive, and as long as it’s there, I don’t think I’ll ever truly give up.  I may despair and cry and whine and wail at times (ok, a lot of times), but though I am cast down, I am not defeated, and my heart may be lonely, but it isn’t broken yet.

So go blow it out your ying yang Valentine’s Day, and whatever dark forces that keep conspiring to put an end to me, because I am not going to go silently into that good night.  Bring on the noise. 

WATCH IT NOW – the eagle in the sky,
How he dancin’ one and only…

YOU – lose yourself,
No not for pity’s sake,
There’s no real reason to be lonely…

BE YOURSELF -  give your free will a chance,
You’ve got to work to succeed!

Tags: blog, blogging, career, career plan, conspiracy, destiny, failure, fight, friday the 13th, future, God, job, law school, life, lonely, meaning, server, success, Valentine
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I always get cheesed whenever a woman blows me off or treats me with utter and pointless disrespect, but when I really stop to think about it, I realize I’ve been treated by dudes the same way too, so this is pretty much par for the course as far as my experience with the human race goes.  Not that I’m into dudes or anything, but it would be kinda nice to find someone I could be B.F.F.’s with again, since it could help take the edge off the fact that I’ll never find the girl of my dreams because women have all become evil spawns of the devil.  Well, at least the ones in New York have.

I remember back when I thought I’d be attending law school, I touched bases with this guy from California.  Had a wife, several kids and a job, but felt “led” to pull up roots and head over to the eastern coast to pursue a career as an attorney.  At the time I was reading and studying several primers on the law to help me get started, so we traded a lot of emails about the law and about preparing ourselves for the fall semester.  Things went south for me so I ended up not attending, but he went on and started his first semester.  We still exchanged emails, and we had planned to do a live chat to work on a “fact pattern” so he could better prepare for his next class, and I was happy to help out since I wanted to get the hang of doing these fact patterns myself when it came time for me to start school as well.

And then I never hear from him again.  I still sent him an email every now and then, just wanting to make sure he was ok and that he was doing well, but even though I got his read receipts, I never did get a response.  I even sent him a Christmas e-card, which he of course picked up but never bothered to say thank you for.  And that was pretty much the end of that.

You know, it wasn’t even the fact that I was blown off inexplicably that frosted my rear so much, but the fact that this guy was supposed to be a Christian, and technically that meant I’m supposed to be his brother in Christ, right?  So where was the camaraderie or respect, or even just the simple fricking courtesy to acknowledge the help I gave him and maybe say thank you for it?  Is this the kind of people I’m going to be meeting up with in heaven too?  Great, spending eternity with a bunch of snotheads who were too good to give me the time of day on Earth.  Yeah I can’t wait.

Maybe it’s because I don’t attend church, but I usually have a much deeper sense of appreciation for fellowship than my church going dweebs do.  A lot of them just seem to flip it off like its meaningless.  Really, I don’t get the coldness.  It’s not even that it’s cold hearted,  but like, no feeling at all.

I know these things happen, and that’s life.  I get that.  People are jerks, but every now and then this jerkiness really, REALLY grates on my nerves, especially when there’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Maybe that’s why I like to antagonize people so much.  At least then when they hate on me I totally know why, and I’m cool with it.  Heck at times I even revel in it. 

But when I’m all sweetness and light and snuggly wuvables, yet still get treated like a compost heap in New Jersey, that’s when I get upset and start writing really bad things on bathroom walls.  There’s just no logic to such behavior, at least not one that’s apparent to me.  It’s the mystery, the not knowing why people go rogue like that that drives me nuts.  One minute everything is fine, the very next I don’t know which end is up, and the worse thing about it all is that I can’t learn from the experience.  I can’t figure out what it is I might have done wrong so that I could learn from it and move on from there if necessary.  But no, nothing.  Just the cold random encounters of life that brings me nothing but frustration and thoughts of mixed martial arts violence.

In a weird way, I guess that’s why I find comfort in being a badass who just loves to rub people the wrong way.  There’s something… safe about it, the security in knowing you’d never have to deal with the mystery of why people might hate you so much or disrespect you, unless they happen to see through the facade of course, in which case I’d be screwed totally. 

Tags: behavior, camaraderie, christian, Christians, church, disrespect, facade, hate, law, law school, logic, mystery, women
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships
 
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Now that it’s been two years since I created this blog, where do I go from here?

Looking back, it’s interesting to see how things played out.  When I first started out in 2006, I blogged under the assumption that I would be eventually be attending law school later that fall.  I thought the name “Habitation of Justice” was a suitable name then, and the blog would have basically been a chronicle of my adventures in law school, as well as my subsequent journey into the legal profession.  Since I was so focused on getting everything in place so I’d be ready in time for school, I rarely posted for the first year.

Eventually though I had to defer my enrollment when my hopes for a scholarship fell through.  The deferment lasted a year, but nothing had really changed by the time it ended, so I had no choice but to withdraw.  I made one more try by attempting to go to school part-time at a local university instead, but eventually those plans fell through as well.

When it seemed like my whole future had collapsed, I eventually became fixated on making money off my blog, and spent the rest of 2007 working towards that end.  I devoured everything I could find about making money online, getting more and more frustrated because most of what I read were actually tips that I had already read off dozens of other sites, so I ended up reading the same fricking material over and over again.  Yet this was an idea I wanted to work so bad because I hated my job, and the allure of being able to live off the Internet was a really strong one.  2007 was all about establishing my blogging identity and doing whatever I could to bring in the traffic I needed so I could turn my blog into a money making machine.

That of course also met with miserable failure.  I had a huge identity crisis to deal with in that I just didn’t know what my blog should be about, and I knew I had to find a niche I was passionate about but still could make good money in.  I dabbled in doing paid reviews and other gimmicks here and there, but nothing really met with success.   All I could do was burn with envy at those who had become wildly successful with their own blogs, and nothing I could do could even remotely come near to their level of success.  The kicker was reading about a 19 year old weenie punk of a teenager who was raking in tens of thousands of dollars a month by running fake review sites containing hidden affiliate links.  They seemed to make money without even trying, and they did it with impunity.

Eventually I just gave up.  2008 began with me resigning myself to the fact that I would never get anywhere in life, much less with my blog.  I had no skills, no talent, nothing I could offer that could make this whole endeavor worthwhile.  The initial hope I had during the beginning of the year quickly dissipated as my health started to deteriorate, and I sunk even lower in despair and loneliness, fearing that I would forever be trapped in a dead end job and a dead end life.

But then somewhere along the way, in the midst of all that self-pity and despair, hope once again began to spring eternal.  The more I thought about law school, the more I began to believe God was doing me a favor.  I was happy enough to accept that such was His will, but what I was NOT happy about was being strung along for over a year when I kept asking and begging for confirmation that I was going down the right path.  Yet when I think about it, maybe it took so long to get an answer because I was meant to learn something in all that, and who knows what kind of chain of events that whole experience set off too, which I may not ever truly realize the depths of until later on in life.  They say sometimes the journey itself is more important than the destination, and I think that wise proverb applies here as well.

I also started to realize that part of the reason I had such an identity crisis was because I was trying to mimic other people’s lives (and subsequently the successes they enjoyed.)  I was trying to fit the square peg that I was into the circle of life, and as long as I continued to do that I’d never be able to move forward.  When I finally began to accept that my life was being defined by a complete different set of standards apart from the world’s own, I started to feel much better.  And my blog at long last began to take coherent shape.  My journal here is ultimately, a personal one, a catalog of both my physical and spiritual journey through life.  And that is probably what it will always be.

It also occurred to me that the driving force of my personality was my humor.  It was both sardonic and sententious, expressing an outright disdain of life’s petty silliness and the world’s stupidity, especially those of Christians who should know better.  Laced in sarcasm and saltiness, my voice was a fire breathing one, crying out in the wilderness that is the Internet, and because of it I would alienate all, and yet somehow, I would also allure all.  My life was nothing else, if not a paradox.  Here the laws of physics come to an end, and the laws that only God can control begin to take hold.

I still dream of a life of self sufficiency, where I no longer have to be tied down to one place, but can travel freely and live freely, (writing about these experiences on my blog of course), and doing those things that never would have been possible had I had a wife, a family, and a house that surely would have kept me chained down with obligations I doubt I could ever fulfill.

That’s why I feel the road calling out to me.  It beckons, with its hidden dangers (as well as hidden promises.)  There may soon come a day when I will don my leather jacket, and ride my Black Stallion to wherever that highway takes me, hoping to find that spiritual and physical dwelling where true justice reigns supreme.

The Habitation of Justice.  

Tags: black stallion, blog, blogging, christian, confirmation, God, internet, journey, law, law school, leather jacket, legal profession, loneliness, making money, miserable failure, personal, success, writing
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Update: How about them GIANTS, eh Patriots fans?

Even though it already seems to be something of an American tradition, I’ve always been one to root for the underdog, which is partly why I’ll be rooting for the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl this Sunday, so they can finally wipe the smug expressions off the faces of those arrogant Patsie snotballs.

It’s always gratifying to see a team or a person accomplish something that nobody on this planet expected them to achieve, because if they can do it, it makes you believe you can to.

My own life has been the life of an underdog as well. Because I had an idiot for a father, and because I had several disabilities holding me back, it was expected that I wouldn’t amount to much when I grew up. Teachers were already recommending that I be put in Special Resources, (which to put it uncharitably, is where they dump all the retards.)

I quickly exceeded expectations though, and when it became obvious I wasn’t being challenged enough, I kept moving up the tracks until I found myself taking honors-level classes. When high school came around, I even took advanced classes that helped me earn college credits before I graduated. By the time I finished my academic career, I had already earned two college degrees. In addition, during the time I spent contemplating a career as an attorney, I had scored above average on the LSAT and had been accepted to several law schools.

Not bad for a retard, eh?

Yet even now, I’m still treated like an underdog. I’m never taken seriously, and whenever I come across people looking for aid, help or advice, they take one good look at me and decide I’m not worth their time.

And then when something happens that completely defies their biased perception of me, they’re left in a state of complete and utter shock.

Eh, whatever. I sort of like being the underdog now. Being the guy who continuously proves everyone wrong. Being the guy who can succeed in the face of a world who had already declared him a hopeless failure.

Despite my unexpected accomplishments, if they still think I won’t ever amount to much, then I have only one thing to say to them:

GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: american tradition, disabilities, disabled, education, law school, new york giants, perception, retards, school, super bowl, underdog
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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The Californian fires got me thinking about how much worth people place on material possessions, and how quickly it can all be lost through circumstances beyond our control. It’s so difficult and takes so long to build up our material wealth, and yet the cruelties of life have shown us that in a mere moment it can all be taken away.

I certainly learned that lesson when I lost my house and found myself utterly homeless for the first time in my life. The feeling that you suddenly have no place on earth anymore to call home is simply indescribable. It was surreal for me, and the shock of that experience changed me forever. These days I no longer place any value in owning a home, and I continue to wittle down my possessions in order to make myself more mobile. Nowadays I place my value in my independence and the freedom of not being tied down to one location. I want to be able to move any where on a dime’s notice, and as a result I’ve been making it a rule of mine to ensure I don’t own more than what I can fit into my own car. Fortunately though I own a SUV.

For the longest time I’ve romanticized the idea of living a nomadic lifestyle, and whenever disaster strikes somewhere in the U.S., I liked the idea that such a lifestyle meant I could just hop in my car and go to lend whatever helping hand I could. I hated to watch these kinds of events unfold, (such as the fires happening now), while I was stuck on the sidelines, tied down to a dead end job, suffering from poor health and with bills that never seem to stop coming. I haven’t entirely proved myself useless though, since I’m using my income to help provide for relatives in need, but there was a part of me that always held on to the notion that I was meant to do more. Not merely token gestures of charity, but the capacity to truly help those in need in ways I’m either incapable or have been unwilling to do now.

To me this felt like the real way to live. It would feel right. It would feel JUST.

There’s a Hebrew word that describes my feelings here, down to a T. The word is Tzedakah, and while it is translated to mean “charity” in English, in truth the meaning is much deeper than that. According to Judaism 101:

“Tzedakah” is the Hebrew word for the acts that we call “charity” in English: giving aid, assistance and money to the poor and needy or to other worthy causes. However, the nature of tzedakah is very different from the idea of charity. The word “charity” suggests benevolence and generosity, a magnanimous act by the wealthy and powerful for the benefit of the poor and needy. The word “tzedakah” is derived from the Hebrew root Tzadei-Dalet-Qof, meaning righteousness, justice or fairness. In Judaism, giving to the poor is not viewed as a generous, magnanimous act; it is simply an act of justice and righteousness, the performance of a duty, giving the poor their due.

When I first started this blog I was under the belief that I would eventually attend law school so I could help find justice for those in need as an attorney, and when those plans fell through, I felt like my life was basically over, and as a result I sunk even further in my depression. Before the thought of law school I once had a lifelong dream of establishing a career in law enforcement, but after 7 years of working in one of the most corrupt law enforcement agencies I’ve ever witnessed in all of creation, that dream was pretty much derailed as well.

Law enforcement didn’t pan out, the legal profession didn’t pan out, so where was I supposed to find justice?

Then I thought, maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. It’s a given that God never sees things the way we do, and maybe there’s huge part of a picture in all this that I’ve just haven’t been able to see yet. Maybe the kind of justice I’m looking for can’t be found in a courtroom, or from wearing a badge. Instead of letting myself completely unravel and succumbing to my depression, it might be time to consider that there really is a life being prepared for me that will end up being better than anything I’ve ever imagined, and the kind of justice I seek and find in that life will prove to be more profound and far more rewarding. I just need to believe it again.

I still have a long way to go before I can finally consider myself ready for such a life, but it’s time I broke this cycle of despair and began my own personal basic training program.

Tags: California, charity, cruelties, depression, fire, fires, gestures, God, hebrew, helping hand, home, homeless, judaism, justice, law enforcement, law school, life, material possessions, material wealth, nomad, nomadic, notion, own car, place on earth, relatives, righteousness, shock, sidelines, tzedakah, word
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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After a little over a year of this blog being online, I have finally reached my 200th post!

I have to admit that’s kind of sad. After a year’s time I should have had twice as many posts by now, and if I had stuck with posting at least one entry a day, my traffic would be ten times what it is now. Maybe.

Oh well, the good news is that when it comes to blogging, it’s all about endurance, and I just have to keep at it, even if I still don’t know what the heck this blog should be about. I went from thinking this blog would be based on my experiences in law school (and ultimately the legal field), only to end up griping about how online dating bites the big one, and how my health problems has been sucking out the life out of me, and how I think God is to blame for every little thing that has ever gone wrong in my life since I came out of the womb.

Still, I’m beginning to see the value in posting at least one entry a day. It’s helping me find my rhythm, and as the writing continues to flow I think I’ll eventually find my muse as well. It’s just a matter of time. Meanwhile my more frequent posting has already had an impact on traffic. I seem to be ranking highly in Google again, and as a result more people are coming from the search results they’re finding there.

I’m reminded of the Scripture, “Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.“

And I guess that’s the important thing. No matter if I haven’t found my niche yet, or how bad my writing can get at times. Just gotta keep at it… keep going… let nothing break my stride, and just keep on movin’…

Tags: blog, blogging, dating, endurance, experiences, God, google, health problems, law school, matter of time, miletone, muse, niche, rhythm, Scripture, traffic, womb, writing
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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