So this morning I go to the range to get my Beretta on and shoot up some paper, pretending the targets were the very things I loathe most in this world, such as terrorists, songs sung by Jessica Simpson, and broccoli.

I do this every month since I’m part of a gun club that includes a close relative and some people I know from work. It’s usually the same old group of 50-60 year old guys that I have nothing in common with, except that we all like to shoot (them more than me though.) Today however was a little different.

I walked in, and as soon I approached the target room I saw a feminine shape standing by and watching the other guys shoot.

What the… there’s like, a GIRL here? Who the…

Then she turned and saw me right away, waving. It was Karen from work, a girl I used to majorly crush on once upon a time, though it was a crush that was sadly unrequited. She had quickly met and married another coworker within the span of a hockey season afterwards too. I wrote the backstory on this a few times before, but I won’t repeat it here or I’ll just start crying again.

I quickly got over the initial shock of seeing her and managed to greet her warmly. “Hey, how are you?”

We chatted for a bit while I set things up. She was wearing protective glasses and ear muffs, her long brown hair tied up, looking positively adorable. There were some new dudes here too, and Karen had pointed out that one of them was her husband.

I had never met the guy before, even though ironically enough, the Beretta I own now actually used to belong to him. Here was my chance to finally meet the man that I was passed over for (at least in my own self-loathing mind.)

He looked decent enough, a few inches taller than me and older too, which surprised me. I had seen pictures of him before but he looked much older to me in real life. He also completely disregarded my presence too, which was… awkward. My relative had to formally introduce us before I finally registered on his radar.

“Hey, nice to meet you dude, heard a lot of great things about you!”

He just shook my hand, said a few words, and then went back to shooting. Um… I tried to get his attention again and chatted up some more, using my trademark humor that you have all come to know and love.

“Oh, just wanted to thank you for the Beretta, it’s taken care of so many problems for me, especially now that I’ve learned how to dispose of the bodies properly.”

Blank stare.

“Um, so… hey, has this weather been awesome or what? Think I might go to Little Italy today since it’s been so good.”

Blank stare.

“Okay… so… … I’m… just gonna go back to shooting here.” I walked back to my post and started loading my clips.

Yeah so ok, the man has a personality of a stone. Seriously, she married HIM? I don’t know about you honey, but that 1000 yard stare would creep me out just a wee bit. Maybe he’s just shy though, I dunno. But sheesh dude, work with me a little here.

I watched as Karen and him would sometimes alternate between shooting sessions, and Karen would awkwardly try to shoot a Smith and Wesson six shooter, completely missing the target even at 5 yards.

“I think I know what you’re doing. You’re missing the target on purpose, practicing your warning shots right?” I grinned.

She laughed and giggled. “I think I hate this gun.”

“Yeah the handle’s awful.” I picked it up and the handle was so short I could only grip it with two fingers. Weird. I had no experience with shooting anything other than the Beretta though, so other guns were unfamiliar to me. I let her know that too, and that I just wasn’t big on the gun culture, only coming here to practice and humor my relative. I had to admit I was glad she was there. She probably felt out of place, but I actually did too, and it was nice to have that camaraderie for once.

“Oh, do you need another target?” She quickly walked over the table and picked up another target for me.

I thanked her and she held my arm and smiled. Somewhere in the distance I heard a heavenly choir singing, lifting their voices higher and higher…

“Hey, you wanna try shooting my gun? You might end up doing better.”

“Sure!” She walked over and I loaded a clip and pulled the slide. “Ok you’re good to go, just point and shoot.” I held her arms up so she had a better sight on the target. I happened to glance over and saw her husband chatting with the other guys there like good old boys. Oh, so THEM he talks to no problem? Schmuck monkey.

“Ok, fire away.” I stepped back to watch. She started shooting low but her aim was much better this time. “Just a little bit higher, there you go!” Eventually she was hitting black and had already gone through two clips. She was positively beaming at the end.

“I think I like this one!” She laughed again. My relative had been watching too. “Yep, everybody loves the Beretta,” he grinned.

“See, you just need a little practice. I think you’d end up shooting better than me too, because I’ve been doing this for months and I still can’t shoot the broad side of a barn.”

“Aw, you shoot awesome though!” She laughed and leaned her head on my arm. Her perfume was light and but they still sent me someplace distant and happy. I could feel her warmth, and wondered how she could feel so at ease with me like that. Women, seriously, STOP DOING THAT. These platonic gestures of affection are like burning acid to a love starved dweeb nozzle like me.

But then again… hey, if ya GOTTA do it, who am I to say boo?

Somehow, I managed to get back to planet Earth and we mingled and shot up some more paper until our time was finally up. Her husband picked up the ammo box while she picked up the target paper, the guns and a duffel bag, completely loaded down. I waited to shake her husband’s hand but he had gone back to not acknowledging my existence again and simply walked out. To be fair, it was the same deal with most of the new guys there that I hadn’t met before, and really it’s how most people here behave, so I’ve become used to it.

I turned back and waved to Karen. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work, dear!”

She tilted her head, smiled and held her gaze at me, and for a second I might have seen just a hint of sadness in her eyes.

And then she was gone.

Tags: affection, beretta, camaraderie, coworker, gun, guns, husband, karen, range, shooting, unrequited
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I was at my desk working checking my emails when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped 3 feet up in the air.

“Ooo, I’m sorry Linkie!”  It was Karen, looking very pretty, and very married as usual.

“Oh hey, what’s up?”

“I was wondering if you could run these names for me?”

“Sure!” I sprang up and took her list, then sat down to use our state of the art 30 year old terminal.  I felt her hand on my shoulder again as I started running through the names.

Ah man… 

I tried to concentrate but kept getting the names jumbled up.  Was that Billy or Willy?  Ah who cares, I’ll just make some names up to keep the searches going longer. 

We chatted up a little about life, news and politics until I was finished, then gave her the printouts.

“Thanks sweetie!”  She smiled, then turned and left.

I glanced over at one of my coworkers.  “I hate her.”

“Huh?”

“Why she gotta be like that man?”

“Like what?”

“You know, all nice and everything.”

Tags: coworker, coworkers, karen, married, smile, work
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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I finally got my pistol license! 

Of course they got my address wrong, and after they printed out and gave me another card with the correct info, I looked at it and said, “Dude, I pay $200 and you can’t even laminate this thing?”

A shrug of the shoulders.

Ah well, at least it’s legit.    It also means I can finally roll this outside my place:

Let’s see Fido try to take a dump on my lawn now.    I keed, I keed… sorta.   My first ever firearm is a wee bit smaller, a Beretta 92 which turned out to be the gun I was most comfortable (and accurate) in shooting with.  Oddly enough the very same gun used to belong to Karen’s husband, who I had just daydreamed about being an abusive loser scumbag that I finally one-up by getting his girl after all (see last post.)  Truth is, he’s really a nice, decent guy, which is probably why I hate the bastard so much.  And now I have his Beretta to always remind me of what I could have had.    Ah well, at least now I’ll have something to bitterly cling on to.

Anyone know where I can get some cheap ammo?

Tags: beretta, firearm, God, gun, husband, karen, permit, pistol, pistol license
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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“Linc, Karen wants to see you.”

Hmmm… she’s married, but maybe she finally came to her senses?  Oh yeah, I can see it now:

“Oh Linkie poo, I was so wrong about him!”  She runs right into my arms for manly comfort.  “He’s such an abusive, unfaithful, ugly loser, but I realize now that you alone were the only one for me!”  *kissy kissy smoochie smoochie*

I smiled broadly at the fantasy and walked over to her section.

“Hey Karen, what’s up?”

She looked up.  “You dropped your keys.”  She handed them over.

“… … … … … … … … … oh.  Thanks.”

“What’s wrong?  You look disappointed.”

“Er, nothing.” I muttered, and quickly walked back to my desk.

Tags: fantasy, karen, married, reality
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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“Linkie?”

“Yeah, Karen?” Karen was a co-worker of mine who worked in our firearms division. I’ve had a thing for her ever since she started working here…that is, until she passed me up and married another co-worker last January. Of course.

“Do you know what band sang the song with the line ‘broken wings’ in it?” She then proceeded to hum the song, her cute face partly visible as she leaned over the cubicle wall that divided us.

“Hmmm, not sure, but I can Google the lyrics pretty quickly for you if you want. You can check to see which band rings a bell.”

“Is Mick around? Maybe he knows,” she said, completely ignoring my suggestion. Her hands were on top of the wall now, the shiny wedding ring on her finger gleaming in the light. I cursed inwardly.

But it wasn’t just the ring that annoyed me. I also HATED it when people would initially ask me for help, and then quickly dismiss me out of hand in favor of someone else. Don’t even give me a chance here to prove I’m not the idiot they think I am. Sheesh.

Dammit people, I’m a @#$%-ing human being. Can I not be afforded some modicum of respect at least?

“Sorry, Mick went on vacation. Let me look it up for you though, I’m sure I can find it. I’ll let you know.”

“Ok…” she said, and her head dropped out of sight. I could still hear her humming the song from beyond the wall.

I went to Google and found the lyrics to several songs containing the phrase “broken wings”, so I jumped up to call Karen over and have her take a look.

“Hey Karen,” I said, peering over the wall, “I got a few hits here and…”

But she was already gone.

I just stood there, marveling over how easily this woman could still hurt me, even now.

“Take these broken wings,
And learn to fly again,
And learn to live so free.
And when we hear the voices sing,
The book of love will open up,
And let us in….“

Up yours Mister Mister.

Tags: book of love, broken wings, co worker, firearms, fly, google, job, karen, loneliness, lyrics, mister mister, phrase, respect, song, suggestion, unrequited love, voices, wedding ring
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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