As each year draws to a close, I find myself losing more and more hope that I’ll ever find my future beloved. She exists only in a dream, her warmth and love such that only a woman can give was something I would never experience in real life. Any experience I’ve had with the opposite sex have instead always resulted in my heart being ripped out and torn to shreds.

But then something happened on Friday that infused me with a renewed sense of hope. It started when I received some white chocolate treats from a coworker, a pretty brunette I once had a major crush on, until she of course fell in love with another coworker and promptly married him a few months later.

“Wow, thanks Karen, these are great!” Then in passing I mentioned that while I liked white chocolate, dark chocolate was actually my favorite.

So she went home and made a fresh new batch of dark chocolate, just for me. I couldn’t believe it.

“Karen, you didn’t have to do this! I was just teasing!”

“It’s ok, I wanted to.”

I was stunned. This act of charity was truly unexpected and something I never thought would come from her.

Later that evening, I checked the latest video of TV Squad Daily, hosted by the stunningly gorgeous Brigitte Dale. I made a somewhat tongue in cheek comment a few days before asking her to sing a Christmas song, and to my complete surprise, she actually answered that request in her next video (beginning 00:34 seconds in):

Too bad she didn’t post my blog address though. Still, it was a much welcome gesture, especially coming from someone who is quickly coming close to taking the same throne once occupied by Jessica Alba. Ok, that’s enough dreaming now, Linc-O.

In any event, these two acts of goodwill went a long way in taking the bite out of what had otherwise been a stingy Christmas season for me. 2007 had been a terrible year, both health wise and spiritual wise. I needed to believe that better times were ahead, and I’ve been holding dearly on to the hope that 2008 will finally be THE year where everything will change, and where the identity of the mystery blonde will finally be revealed.

I still have a long and grueling road ahead of me though, and the outcome is still uncertain. Yet these two beautiful women collectively gave me the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for: hope.

I thank God for this renewed sense of hope and purpose, as it carries me through this Christmas season and into the dawn of a new era.

I used to have an 8×10 photo of Jessica Alba on my desk. It has now been replaced by a giant question mark.

A dark figure approached me today, his deep voice uttering words I never wanted to hear:

“Linc, Jessica Alba is back with her boyfriend, and pregnant.”

“No. That’s not true. It’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”

The comely Rachel from Just Something to Think About tagged me up with a Giving Thanks Meme, and while Thanksgiving has already come and gone, I guess I can reiterate some of the things I’ve been thankful for. Here’s my top five:

1. Being alive, which is solid proof that God still doesn’t hate me enough to lob a meteorite in my general direction. And of course my loving parents, who only occasionally regret not giving me up for adoption.

2. Being so good looking.

3. Pizza!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Fall Foliage.

5. That Jessica Alba is still single.

I’d pass this on to 5 other blogging friends but I’m just too lazy today. Besides I only counted 3 or 4 altogether that I could consider my friends. Gees, that’s actually kinda sad.

I won a prize! No, it wasn’t money. No it wasn’t a date with Jessica Alba. So what did I win you ask? Lookie here:

Yep, in what I am now convinced is a global conspiracy to obliterate whatever ounce of manhood I had left over from 31 years of pain, agony, and surviving Backstreet Boys mania, Danielle from Pink Internet Marketing has declared me the random winner of her fluffy pink bear.

Still, I will accept this cuddly bundle of cuteness on Danielle’s promise that it will someday help me win over the heart of my future honey pot bon bon bunnycakes, whoever she may be.

Assuming of course, she can get past the fact that the studly man of her dreams now keeps a pink teddy bear in his bedroom.

Yep, there’s really no other explanation for why I keep going back to online dating sites. As much as I bashed and thrashed eHarmony in the past, what do I do?

I sign up for another 3 month account.

After seeing the truly bizarre matches I’ve been getting, I came to my senses before it was too late and cancelled my subscription. I have to give eHarmony credit for making it relatively easy to cancel and get a refund, so at least here there was nothing gained, nothing lost. So what do I do now?

I sign up for 3 months with Match.com.

Where’s the nearest exit sign so I can find my way out of this damned stupid body of mine? Yoish. Despite paying less and getting to choose my matches now, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m doing this. I also signed up for several other sites that allow me to post a free profile, but I won’t even think about paying for their services unless I get contacted by a REALLY good prospect, or by Jessica Alba herself.

I guess this is my way of putting myself out there while I fight my health battles, and maybe by the time I get my body under control and in shape again, I will have already met someone online that I’d be ready to meet in real life.

One can dream anyway, at least.

As much as I don’t want to, I think I have to give up the notion that there is a girl out there willing to accept my imperfections upfront and even help me improve on them. I always thought a lot of women liked the idea of changing a man (a la Jerry Maguire), and that they would appreciate a guy who was honest, even if he wasn’t perfect.

Nope.

This is why guys who lie their asses off on their profiles or in real life get all the girls. Even when they get found out (as they do eventually), the girls are already emotionally invested and stick with them. The result is a lot of unhappy marriages where the women eventually become sadder, older and wiser, realizing they should have gone for that honest nice guy all along. But of course now it’s too late.

So what’s the morale that nice guys should learn from this? Simple:

LIE. Lie your big fat holy righteous ass off. Girls say they want honest, nice guys and are ok with a few imperfections. This is true, but only when a relationship has already been established. Prior to that, your life and personality has to be a resume to them. Every success has to be embellished, and every seeming shortcoming has to be minimized or omitted. You must appear in every shape or form as the perfect guy to them. Just like the mighty moose, you have competition from other male moose who all want to get it on with the same hot babe with the sexy antelopes that you’re interested in. You have to be stronger and better than all of them to win her heart. And if you’re not, you do the next best thing: lie… lie…. lie…. Don’t worry, if you win her heart, she’ll eventually forgive you. THEN you can safely start being the nice, honest guy that women truly want you to be, even though they tend not to realize that until much later on in life.

And that’s the way it is.