Ever since Uptown Girl wrote back to me, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I wanted more than anything to meet her in person and see if we could hit it off right away, but I knew I wasn’t ready just yet. I was also afraid once she saw me in real life she would become extremely disappointed and that would be the end of it. By keeping our correspondence online for the time being, I could at least maintain the facade of being the kind of guy she was actually interested in.

But now that it’s been a week since I last heard from her, I’m wondering all over again whether I’m just being humored here. She did indicate that she would have a busy week at work, but was that just an excuse? Was she already looking elsewhere but just didn’t have the heart to tell me she was no longer interested? Maybe she’s already dating someone else even. Or maybe…. she really was just busy this week.

But I wonder, does she think about me? Does she wonder about the kind of person I am, about my past, whether I would be a good lover and friend to her? Or am I the last thing on her mind? On the flip side, I wonder what she’s looking for. Does she really want someone like me to be not just a part of her life, but an important part? Would I inspire the kind of affection that she would clear a whole weekend just so she could spend time with me? Or would I merely be someone to fill in the gaps of her otherwise busy life?

I also realized her world was totally foreign to me. She grew up with several siblings. I was an only child. She went to a prestigious school and graduated with honors. I went to a no name college and garnered modest grades. She has a healthy circle of friends going back to her school days. I was a loner who had parted ways with his last and best friend over 5 years ago. She lives on her own. I still lived with my parents. She was a fitness addict. I was a couch potato. She loves to go out all the time. I usually spent most of my time on the Internet. She worked for a renowned company in the private sector. I was a civil service employee working in a dump of a department that apparently seems unconcerned that it’s violating several health codes.

The fact is, we were worlds apart. And I am totally scared that once she gets a glimpse of my world, she’d definitely run for the hills. In a way though, a lot of this hasn’t been my doing, but just the circumstances of life, which apparently for some reason has it out for me. All I can hope for is that she’ll be understanding of it all and give me a chance anyway. If she does just that, I could love her forever. I went through life where very few people, and certainly not any beautiful women were willing to give me a chance to prove my worth. I was always written off, abandoned, or discarded like doggie poo. Facing the possibility that a beautiful and accomplished woman would, despite all my flaws, want to be with me is a concept utterly alien to me. And with it I find myself groping in the dark trying to figure out the proper etiquettes of how to move forward from here. How often to email her? Do I only email her when she emails me? Should I call her first or wait for her to call me? Should I avoid going Dutch altogether on dates? Are flowers appropriate for a first date? Is a hug ok, or would a kiss on the cheek do? And what do we talk about? Will the conversation flow, or will things get awkward. Compounding things even more, will I be able to understand her speech since I’m hearing impaired? Or will she have the kind of low voice I’ll barely be able to understand?

These thoughts and more invade my mind at breakneck speed. I’m constantly analyzing myself and every word she’s written to me, trying to make sense of it all. It’s enough to drive even the most mild mannered of people crazy. I definitely need to slow down and take it easy with all this. But when you’re a guy like me who has far too much time on his hands, even the most trivial of things can weight heavily on our minds.

As things stand right now, I guess the next important step is to talk on the phone. For normal people, this would usually be the first thing they do, but because I’m hearing impaired, me and the phones don’t get along too well. I put it off afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her clearly and hence embarrass myself. But I get the feeling she is more of a phone person than an email one, and this is something I may just have to risk, especially if it helps us connect more and determine whether this is something worth pursuing any further.

I’m reminded of a phrase I’ve heard once before: “Life is nothing without risks.” I think it’s time I need to start getting out of my shell and start taking chances. If I get burned…..AGAIN…. well, so be it.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there seems to be a lot of weirdos hanging out at these Internet dating sites. I think my first clue may have been when I got a “wink” from a transsexual interested in meeting me. Or perhaps it was the message I received (in broken English) from an apparently Russian woman who liked my “structure.”

Regardless, surfing these online matchmaking sites has truly been one of the most depressing experiences I’ve ever had in recent years. If the demographics of these sites are even remotely accurate in revealing what’s out there in the real world, I think I might be inclined in taking a nice long nap on a busy train track.

Ahhhhhh, if only I were an atheist, ultra-liberal slimeball. Then the girls I’d be interested would be a dime a dozen. Only interested in casual sex? No problem! Want me to join you in an anti-Bush rally? Sign me up! Getting ready to go crazy at the next gothic rave? Let me put on my black lipstick and it’s on, baby!

Unfortunately, I walk a slightly different path.

But whether it was luck, (or maybe fate getting ready to play another cruel joke on me), a list of matching profiles sent by automated mail landed in my inbox. One of the profiles was of a woman who could very well be my own personal “Uptown Girl.” She was conservative, Christian, educated, and accomplished in her field. She came from an affluent background, worked for a prestigious employer, had a large family and a healthy circle of friends.

In other words, she was so far out of my league I’d need a time dilation device to open a wormhole just so I could get into the same UNIVERSE her league was in.

But for whatever crazy reason, I sent her a “wink” anyway and hoped for the best.

Well, she actually responded, gave her email address, and we have been trading messages for about a month now. There were times I thought she had lost interest, and just when I was ready to write her off, I get another email from her. Her last email finally indicated her desire to meet me in person.

Oh…….. crap.

It was in that moment that I realized I wasn’t ready for this. Worse still, my profile wasn’t exactly the most… accurate profile I’ve ever put together. I may have… embellished a few things. Truth be told, it reads more like a of resume I’d be submitting if I were applying for a job as an attorney general for the United States.

Yep, I’m an idiot.

But I knew why I did this. I’ve been observing that men who flat out lie their asses off about everything from their height down to the kind of car they drive usually get all the girls, even when they get found out. For whatever reason, girls who have become emotionally invested in these lying bastards tend to forgive them their fibs, whereas a brutally honest guy never gets a chance to begin with. Morale of the story? It pays to lie.

So that’s what I tried to do. Not so much as lying, but holding back crucial details about myself that a girl probably really does need to know about before taking the plunge with me.

Now faced with this dilemma, I realized something else: Damn I suck at lying. I mean what happened to me? I used to be so good at this, and now instead I’m racked with guilt for even telling a little fib. I knew deep down I’d never be able to master the fine art of playing the kind of dirty games that other scum sucking man pigs from the depths of hell had become so adept at playing.

So when Uptown Girl expressed a desire to meet me, I decided to be more forthcoming about who I was. A LOT more forthcoming. Most of my dirty laundry had been aired in my last email to her, and I concluded by saying I’d understand perfectly if she decided against meeting with me, and if she was longer interested in me romantically, that maybe we could at least be friends. I knew if none of my flaws were enough to deter her, then I just might have something here.

Maybe this time, I won’t have to pretend. Maybe this time a girl will finally show interest in me for who I am, not for who I pretend to be. Maybe, JUST maybe, I will have finally found someone looking for a downtown man to call her own.

I haven’t heard from her since the beginning of the month. Yep, a nap on the train tracks is starting to sound REALLY good right now…