We have a clipboard in our section that shows a list of the latest death notices for workers or workers’ relatives who recently passed away. I noticed one woman had a tendency to check the list every day when she walked by our section. She was doing it again today, so I said:

“Checking to see if the hitman did his job?”

She looked at me without emotion and then walked out of the room.

I turned to my coworker. “Why does nobody appreciate my sense of humor?”

Is it me, or does it seem like women are getting married at earlier and earlier ages these days? Or am I just getting older and older?

I blame Christians for this (naturally), particularly those within the Bible Belt who push to get their daughters married by the time they’re 18, so by the time they’re 25 they will have already loaded themselves down with 7 kids and done their part to keep God’s army of little cherubs going. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but honestly, how many of these disgusting little snotbags does a family really need to have anyway?

#%$ Christians.

But I guess if I wanna up my chances of meeting a nice, Christian girl, then I’m gonna have to catch them young. Really young. Like maybe before they graduate high school young. Yet another reason why the teaching profession appeals to me.

Of course they’ll probably still have dweebish boyfriends then, but I can clear that hurdle easily enough once I home in on some cute girl who has potential, then it’s just a matter of cornering her dork beau in a dark alley somewhere and wailing on him until he promises never to call or go near her again.

And when she’s depressed and lonely and wondering why her pimple faced sweetheart doesn’t love her anymore, I’ll be there to give her all the comfort she needs.

Of course I’ll probably only be able to enjoy the relationship for about 5 minutes before I get tossed into the slammer. Ah well, life can be so cruel sometimes.

You know the commercial. Always when I’m eating too, this stupid ad for Valtrex comes on where some ugly schmo confesses to the world that he has genital herpes, flanked by a gorgeous girl who looks on with lovey dovey eyes and then turns to the camera to inform us that she doesn’t.

“And together, we’re trying to keep it that way.” She then wraps her arms around him in a show of warmth and wubs.

I have a message for the girl: dump Herpo-man and dial me up. There’s no need to roll around in the hay with a disease-riddled dweeb when you can get some fresh, wholesome, whistle-clean loving from a guy like me. Really, why would you want to stick long-term with a bum who has now medically proven to us all what a promiscious man whore he is? This is somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with? What’s next, adopting a pet dog with rabies?

So really, drop this silliness and come cuddle up with me. I’ve had my shots, a clean bill of health, and all the love you will ever need.

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Jessica Simpson, including photos, pics and videos?

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Reese Witherspoon, including photos, pics and videos?

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Rachael (Rachel) Ray, including photos, pics and videos?

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Sarah Michelle Gellar, including photos, pics and videos?

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Jessica Alba, including photos, pics and videos?

Looking for nude, naked and bikini shots of Charlize Theron, including photos, pics and videos?

Well then you’ve come to the wrong place!

But thanks for playing.

A dark figure approached me today, his deep voice uttering words I never wanted to hear:

“Linc, Jessica Alba is back with her boyfriend, and pregnant.”

“No. That’s not true. It’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”

With all the hoopla over Google’s latest PR update, I decided to dedicate a karaoke song to all those bloggers out there feeling the pain of seeing their PageRank reduced. You’ve heard of Backstreet Boys “Quit Playing Games With My Heart?” Well this is my personal rendition, “Quit Playing Games With My Blog!” Feel free to listen to the podcast of me singing the song, but I should warn you, I’m a really bad singer. Here are the lyrics:

Google…. Oh…..

When I load my site, I see
You’re not being true to me
I looked at my toolbar, and saw
You left me with PageRank of three
Sometimes I wish I could, turn back time
When a listing on Yahoo was free
Oh I wish I could, so bad, Google
Quit playing games with my blog!

Chorus:
My blog!
My blog!
With my… I should have known from the start!
My blog!
My blog!
With my blog!

I code my site, the way, to
Keep your bots coming back to me!
Everything I do, is for you
So what if I had a paid link or two
Sometimes I wish I could, turn back time
When there was no such thing as nofollow,
Ohh I wish I could, so bad, Google you better
Quit playing games with my blog!

Chorus

Quit playing games!

Google, Google!
The link love we had was so strong
Don’t penalize me forever!
Oh Google, Google!
My site is optimized so let’s
Stop this tonight!

Google…. Oh….
Quit Playing Games!
Na na na na na na
Na na na na Google
Na na na na na na

Sometimes I wish I could, turn back time
When Altavista was number one
Oh I wish I could, so bad, Google
Quit playing games with my blog!

Chorus

Quit playing games with my…
Na na na na na na
Na na na na Google
Na na na na na na
Quit playing games with my blog
With my blog
With my blog
With my blog!

You can see the original lyrics to the actual song here. Apologies to the Backstreet Boys for torpedoing their song.