Maybe.

18 months of soul searching, seeking, knocking, begging for clear direction, begging for signs, begging for ANYTHING that might give me an indication that I wasn’t making the mistake of my life by signing up for law school, and now here I am… one day before the deadline, STILL without an answer.

I spoke to my supervisor about my intentions and how keeping night pay would be a necessity for me even if I switched to a day shift. One of my co-workers was still getting it even though he now works days, so I knew it wasn’t impossible, and if they rejected it in my case while he continues to collect night pay, it would clearly show favoritism, and they know I’d raise hell about it. After my boss spoke to his boss, he came back to me and said I would need to come up with a plan and a new schedule that would still keep everyone happy, and if I could I do that, maybe I’ll be able to keep my night pay as well.

I looked at him like he had gone mad and thought, “Isn’t that supposed to be YOUR job??” I couldn’t believe his response to my request had been to simply pass the buck to me.

So I went to my union rep, who told me she would call another union rep, who as luck would have it, was out with a broken ankle and wouldn’t be back for some time. After I kept emailing her, she sent me a testy response basically indicating that I was on my own.

I didn’t know what to do. Why couldn’t I get any straight answers from anyone? Why couldn’t I just have been told, “No, you can’t do it!” and then I could finally move on with my life? Why did I even have to be accepted to law school in the first place, and thus avoid all this grief?

I was now saddled with the burden of coming up with a new work schedule to accommodate 5 people, while also having to ensure that their work schedules would stay intact with as little change as possible. I also had to deal with one erratic co-worker who I knew could not be trusted to adhere to any schedule I propose, even if she might initially agree to it.

What a mess. With a broken and heavy heart, I called my coworkers together and explained the situation. We talked about it for a while without really resolving anything, and then I went to work on diagramming our complete work schedule to see how I could possibly fill in the gaps.

Some how, some way, I saw a possible solution that involved my coworker Mickey coming in a little later than usual on Mondays and Fridays to cover, which he agreed to. I put together the new proposed schedule with a letter, and left it on the desk for my boss to go over tomorrow, which of course is also the same day as the deadline to make my deposit.

And I know what will happen too. Nothing will get resolved, the issue of whether I’ll be able to keep night pay will still be in limbo, and if I make a deposit after the deadline expires, I’ll only be able to secure a seat if someone else withdraws and my name comes up next on the waiting list. I could easily be waiting all summer long before I’ll know anything for certain.

I’m beginning to understand now why so many Christians simply can’t wait around for an answer regarding these kinds of life changing decisions. Who could do this really? Who could be willing to wait and wait and wait while life passes you by and all of heaven seems to be as brass? Some people just do whatever the heck they want and assume whatever path they choose is automatically God’s will, yet without consulting with Him, or seeking His direction, or waiting to give Him a chance to guide them. And sometimes they’ll get blessed anyway, in which case they become even more obnoxious and convinced that because they prospered, they have been operating within God’s will all along. It’s a form of pragmatism that never did sit right with me.

I always thought it noble that I defer to God’s own desire for my life, and allow Him to guide me where He wanted me to go, instead of just simply doing my own thing. But I NEVER expected that this would have been the price I’d have to pay for clinging on to that belief, losing so much time and experiencing so much agony just in waiting for an answer that may in fact, never come. It angers and depresses me that this how I am rewarded for having what I thought were the noblest of intentions. I wasn’t arrogant in pursuing my own path. I wanted the Lord to lead me, to choose a career for me, since I felt He of all people of course would know where I’d be able to make the most difference, where I could do something worthwhile and meaningful. Instead, I’ve been left to drift endlessly, mourning wasted years and feeling abandoned by a Father who had promised He would never abandon me.

What kind of testimony can I possibly give now to the world? My very life up to this point indicates that it is unprofitable to wait on the Lord for much needed answers. We can but only direct our own life without His input or His guidance. We are in a way orphans, left to fend for ourselves, tossed to and fro by the storms of life, without hope of ever seeing calmer waters.

And yet, in spite of it all though, somewhere deep down inside of me, my soul is still clinging on to hope… praying that the stormy chaos of today will give way to a peaceful, joyful calm in the morning.

So let us see what the morning will bring.