This mixture of hellish humidity and heat is sucking the ever living joy joy out of me.

Top it off, the female race found yet another occasion to twist the knife in my back just a wee bit more, this time while I was trying to enjoy a nice quiet dinner at my desk. So I’m sitting here, downing a few bites of cold baked ziti, when in walks this drop dead gorgeous bombshell, asking for help on a court paper she needed to find info on.

My mouth stuffed with ricotta cheese, I barely managed to choke it down as I dropped my fork and managed a friendly, muffled hello.

“Ok, let’s see what we got here.” I recovered slightly and took the paper she had. Her light and pleasant perfume was starting to make me dizzy.

It was something I needed to check in the state database, so I walked over and fired up the box to make an inquiry. In the meantime I tried some small talk.

“So… had enough of this humidity?”

“It’s alright,” she said in a bored tone. “Is this going to take long?”

“Oh.. uh.. no, should come up right away.” I felt my cheeks getting hot and tried so very hard not to stare at her figure. Checking her papers, I tried again to get a conversation going by pointing out a few things I thought might be worth checking out.

She wasn’t impressed. The printout finished, so I tore off the info and gave it to her.

“I haven’t seen you around before, are you working in the new –” I never got a chance to finish as she mumbled a curt “thanks” and quickly walked out.

“Goodbye,” I said wistfully, to no one in particular.

Good grief, no sooner had I posted my hypothesis on the actual causes of global warming than Pat Robertson starts proclaiming his newfound belief in it.

Well Pat, if you’re truly a believer, and want to do your part to help cool off the earth, then I have good news for you! As I theorized earlier, the overflowing abundance of hotties bouncing around in skin hugging outfits has done more to warm the earth than any of the other contributing factors (including carbon dioxide) put together (despite what Al Gore would have you believe). It’s now time to assert yourself and demand that the mass of womankind stop dressing like Babylonian harlots, and start putting on burqas! ((As I noted earlier, conservative women need not apply.)) By preaching against the coarse immorality that’s pervaded our country since the 60’s, you would also in fact be doing your part to help stop global warming, effectively killing two birds with one stone. So let’s get to it! You could even introduce a new line of TBN sponsored burqas for those true believers who really want to make a difference. It would be a perfect supplement to the diet shake you recently started marketing. Think of the potential revenues this could generate! Heck I should be paid royalties for coming up with these brilliant ideas.

Ok, if I could be serious for one minute…

It’s hard to take the doomsayers seriously. For one, nobody can honestly tell you what causes global warming, or if it even exists. ((And if they say otherwise, they’re either ignorant, like Pat Robertson, or a lying piece of bottom feeding scum, like Al Gore.)) Look at most graphs, and what it appears to show is that this steady rise in temperature may in fact be merely part of a normal cycle that spans thousands of years. I’m more inclined to believe the likes of Bill Gray, one of the world’s most foremost and outspoken experts on hurricanes and global climates, than I would some commie pinko liberal who flips me the bird because I’m not driving a Prius. Prof. Gray by the way believes we are heading for a cooling period in the next few years. I believe that too, and if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be glad to eat my blog.

In the meantime, there’s plenty of info out there that should give us pause about global warming, even in this blistering heat.

Update: A cold front is headed into our area this weekend.

Update 2: The hottest summer on record was actually in 1930. More interesting is that the unusual warmth might be attributed to the growing number of urban buildings that retain heat (rural areas notably shwoed no marked change).

Maybe these facts along with the long awaited relief from the heat will bring good old Pat and the others back to their senses… then again, maybe not.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. - Evan Esar

The ever resplendent blogging diva (you know her as La Shawn Barber) is fed up with the heat. So am I, and I’m glad I’m not the only one. This has been a particularly miserable @#$% summer for me, and not just because of the heat… but that’s another story.

I hate summer. This is the one time of year where I’m forced to abandon my black leather jacket and hot looking clothes for ugly looking flip flops instead. It’s the time of year where the usually gentle warmth of the sun morphs into homicidal death rays bent on scorching the hair off my body and causing my skin to burst into flames. That and of course the humidity, both of which conspire together to suck the bloody life force out of me until I’m left with virtually no desire to live anymore. Yep, I truly hate summer. I detest it, loathe it, would spit on it if I could. I always thought this was God’s way of reminding us how worse off hell would be if we didn’t wise our unrighteous asses up.

Worst yet, I have to put up with the global warming wacknuts screaming in my ear, “I told you so!!!!! The icebergs are melting and it’s all Bush’s fault!!”

Well now. I believe last year was one of the warmest on record if I’m not mistaken, and this year will probably surpass that, so at this pace the world should probably end in a couple of years, forcing us all to live on boats and grow gills behind our ears in some perverse Waterworld reality. Maybe Kevin Costner was on to something after all.

Out of a more sobering curiosity though, I wondered how this summer would in reality compare to the global temperatures of the past few years. After some googling, I found more information than I could ever absorb in three lifetimes, hosted by the fine folks at Junk Science. Apparently, it’s been a half degree warmer than the historical average so far. The highest peak had been in 1998. I think.

Yet the only honestly definitive answer to the question of whether it is truly getting abnormally warmer is “Maybe.” Even less definitive is what might be contributing to it, but liberals are convinced beyond all doubt that it’s those damned gas guzzling Republicans that are the culprit. But… I have another working theory as to what might account for this relatively recent increase in balmy temperatures. Look at basically any global temperature chart, and you’ll see things started heating up around the late 60s, early 70s. Now think about it, what was so significant about that particular period? My hypothesis is that the global warming phenomenon had its genesis in what would later become known (ironically enough) as the Summer of Love.

Yep, this was the era girlie magazines like Playboy hit the big times and free love was all the rage. Notably the women’s liberation movement also experienced a surge here (which I suspect at the time was really more about being liberated from their clothes than anything else). The sudden rise in public displays of fine young women frolicking around in their birthday suits would result in a collective worldwide rise in body temperatures, experienced mostly by men in heat. This rise in body temperature has thus become the driving force behind the global warming phenomenon we are seeing today.

Not convinced? Note the charts indicate the temperature climb becomes even steeper in the early 90s, precisely around the time the protocol known as the World Wide Web (WWW) is introduced, making it more easier than ever for millions to download content they wouldn’t want their mothers to know about. Consequently, global warming increased dramatically to levels never seen before in contemporary history. Still have doubts? Consider this then: In 1997, Maxim releases the U.S. version of their girlie magazine. One year later, we experience the highest peak in global temperatures on record. Coincidence? I think not.

So there you have it: global warming is not being caused by gas guzzling SUVs, evil Republicans or even greenhouse gases. Nope, it’s hot looking babes that are the culprit. Miss Barber complains about the heat? She’s a part of that group that’s BRINGING the heat. Smokin’ hot women worldwide are endangering this planet and threatening all of life as we know it. It must stop!

So here’s what I propose: all you liberal women out there who profess to care so much about the environment, it’s time to stop dressing like hookers walking the 42nd Street beat, and start doing your part to save the planet! I suggest wearing burqas from now on, especially since many of you seem to be such big fans of Islam. That alone should cause the body temperatures of millions of young men to plummet dramatically, sparking a cooling effect that will at long last bring global temperatures back to normal levels. Any refusal to do so will prove to us all how hypocritical and unconcerned you truly are in wanting to save the world. Yes, no doubt men everywhere will be sorely disappointed and distressed at your decision to put in, rather than put out, but we all have to make sacrifices here. So dress up, or shut up!

Conservative women need not apply of course, since they are a considerable minority, and thus any action they take would probably have only a nominal effect on the environment. So my advice to all you conservative women would be to simply carry on, and keep up the good work.