To the poor little boy who found my blog using the search phrase,

“i’m 12 and i like this girl who is dating another guy how do i win her heart”

Congratulations, you are now about to embark on what will undoubtedly be the start of a lifelong journey of unrequited love and gut wrenching heartbreaks, because that cute little girl you’ve been mooning over for months and leaving little notes for is in fact one vicious, bedazzled terrorist of a creature who was fathered by Satan and mothered by the Antichrist. There is no doubt that she would not hesitate for a second to claw your eyes out and bite you in the face just for daring to pollute her existence, and then going off to laugh with her spiky haired boyfriend about what a huge loser you are.

So give it up. No matter what you do, she will never, ever like you, and those freckles on your face that Mamma said made you look so adorable, in fact make you look like a genetic mutant freak of nature to the object of your affection and the rest of the real world.

Consider this your baptism of fire into a life of bitterness and loneliness, because things are about to get much, much worse. As women get older, they will have outgrown the physical biting and clawing your eyes out, because by then they’ll have mastered the art of psychologically screwing your mind over so badly that all that will be left of you by the time they’re done is a shell of a human being wrapped in a strait jacket, muttering incoherent thoughts in a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.

So, you can take this as an early lesson that women are not cuddly bundles of love, but are in fact hateful instruments of torture and destruction who will happily dance all over your carcass while playing suck face with their latest trailer park trash boyfriend who just made parole.

Learn this truth now my boy, and you can save yourself by writing off the female race altogether, and then throwing down a daily dose of Prozac to numb out your feelings so you’ll never fall in love again.

Happy Valentine’s Day.