There may be nothing else in life that could capture those elements of my personality that equally combine outrageous comedy, despair, hope, and yearning for love than this famous Saturday Night Live video, starring John Belushi and his rendition of Joe Cocker’s “I Get By With a Little help From My Friends.” As dark as my personality can be at times, I am at heart, a true comedian.

One of the reasons my blogging has been so sporadic is that I am attempting to come across as a mellow, mild mannered, polite good old boy.

In other words, the exact opposite of who I really am.

To be sure though, there are many facets to my personality. I can indeed be mellow, lighthearted and fun loving. But there’s a darker side to my personality, one I try to bury (with little success) both in real life and on the Net. It’s the kind of personality that has gotten me banned from various different forums and censured in others, and even almost arrested a few times. Some people write me off as a hateful ne’er do well, while others (perhaps out of morbid curiousity) stick around just to see what I’ll say next.

I’ve always despised this part of my personality, wishing instead that I could always give off all the warmth of a cuddly teddy bear named Bobo, instead of the (thankfully occasional) demeanor of a hammerhead shark that hasn’t eaten for weeks.

The fact is, I’m an angry white man with a lot of issues that I need to work out, and I’ve been debating over whether I should use my blog as an outlet for some of these issues I’ve been trying to deal with. My temper has been known to spill out at inappropriate times, and though I’m almost never violent, I have been very violent with words. Words are my stock in trade, and mine can often cut to the heart if I’m not careful.

But honestly, I’m getting tired of walking on eggshells. I know people get turned off by those who aren’t happy 7 days out of the week, or who must always have a pleasant demeanor lest they should flee away and never befriend them again. But since I have no readers or friends, I really have nothing to lose here by letting loose. Perhaps clearing the air will prove to be a theraupetic exercise for me. Then again, perhaps not. But at least in this sense I’m being more true to who I am as a person, rather than just putting up a more benign facade just so I won’t scare people off.

The truth is, I’ve become very bitter. Like a wounded animal that snaps at anyone who gets too close, even those who just want to help, I find myself trying to deal with painful and open wounds that deeply affect my psyche, wounds that refuse to be healed even years after they’ve first been inflicted on me. It’s made me bitter and angry, at a loss for answers, and wondering how I managed to sink so low. In my journey to find truth and justice in this world, I hope part of that journey will see me escaping this mire of bitterness I’ve created for myself. Only time will tell though whether that will be the case.