BOOYAH!

It’s time to not only celebrate my blog relaunch, but my two year blogging anniversary!!    And dude, the video totally captures the moment here.  I’m talking a blog wrecked to death, only to come back stronger, sleeker, and totally badass with some badass music cranking in the background and leather jackets and cool black vintage cars cruising the highway and let us go have a throwdown and kick some serious scum of the earth hellbags because baby,  I am back!

Yeah, I’m a little excited here. 

But really, what I just pulled off was a miracle that only God could have given me, and I now have the latest version of WordPress along with a new Who-is-your-DADDY theme that is all kinds of awesomeness. 

I still need to work out a few kinks and decide on a new photo gallery to use, but for all intents and purposes the site is now live, with a sleeker, faster look and a few new bells and whistles I think you’ll all enjoy.   For an idea of what’s new, see the little oval thingie jiggy to the right of each post title?  Go give that a click.

Cool, huh? 

In addition, you’ll now be able to edit comments as well.  I also dropped a few plugins, added a cache system and went with a 2 sidebar look again to reduce clutter.  Yes the ads are still there, but they are no longer as obtrusive as they used to be.  To be honest I got tired of having a larded up ad block embedded inside my posts, partly because I couldn’t quote or post any media content on the fly.  The ad would jam it up and I’d have to manually remove it in order for the post to show cleanly.  Not cool.  But I still need the ads though, since the 50 cents I’m making a day is paying for my newspaper, and I just don’t know how I could live without those two quarters a day, ya know?

As for the dark theme, I’m working on creating a white backdrop just for the posts and comments for easier reading (while still maintaining a dark look), so stay tuned there.  I might have gotten it done sooner but the theme kept overriding my color settings.  Regardless, let me know what you think.

It wasn’t easy though, but I got through it, and now I can finally enjoy the fruits of my labor…. except of course, Google just had to rain on my parade by dropping my pagerank from a 4 to a 3 while I was busy upgrading.    Really Google, why don’t you just suck my ass times a thousand?  Dweebs.

But meh, whatever.  I finally made a leapfrog in upgrading without having to spend a fortune to have a designer do it, my sleek black car will get a nice facelift and wax job by the end of the summer, and in a few more months I’ll be out of debt,  cruising the road and enjoying my new lease on life.  All I’ll need then is a weathered black leather jacket, and my life will truly be complete. 

To the visitor who found my blog using the search term:

“my girlfriend stays out till 4am”

Newsflash: Your girlfriend dumped you. You just don’t know it yet, and apparently your mind must be so hazy that you’ve had to resort to doing a Google search just to figure out why a girl might want to stay out till the wee hours of the morning rather than stay in with her honey snuggles.

But if you still need some convincing, here’s a couple of solid reasons why you’re hugging the air instead of a warm body at 3AM in the morning:

Your one true love has another boyfriend(s). Yep, after spending the entire evening telling you just how much she yearns for you in your absence and how you complete her, she then casually leaves you as you snore away to go see her other true loves, Bob, Mike and Omar, so she can tell them all how much she yearns for them in her absence and how they complete her too.

Or… your girl is a strip dancer at the local hoinkie boinkie bar. While you dream of gingerbread men dancing on your head, your darling sugar pie is shaking her gimmy-gam gum-gums in front of a horde of drunk, strange men, one of whom she takes back home with her for a witching hour special.

But perhaps I’m being too unreasonable here. Maybe your girl is simply just a light sleeper, and sometimes likes to take 5 hour long walks in the park so she can clear her mind and think about how truly blessed she is to have you in her life. That’s gotta be it right?

Had a unusual dream the other night:

I found myself trapped inside Google’s algorithm, which oddly enough turned out to be two towns, built side by side. One town was called Relevant Search Results (RSR), while the other town was called Irrelevant Search Results (ISR). RSR was a sunny looking place: blue skies, flowers blooming, dewy meadows, and all that jazz. ISR on the other hand looked like a New York slum, a dark, grimy looking town with a bizarre populace that looked like it had been the product of several generations of inbreeding.

Guess where I was?

As I walked down the streets of ISR, I was able to behold just about every keyword and search result Google ever found irrelevant, and yet the only thing I remember about the town was meeting Chuck Norris. Yes, THE Chuck Norris, who inexplicably was also walking around ISR looking just as lost was I was. Not only that, he was bald. I’m not talking a little hair loss either, I mean baldy bald-o 100 watt soft white bald. I guess Google didn’t deem a baldheaded Chuck Norris worthy or relevant enough to be a citizen of RSR, so he was stuck in this horrific place instead.

But God bless the man, he was determined to make the best of a bad situation, and even began to perform some of his trademark kicks to help boost my spirits, when I woke up.

Now before you ask, no I don’t do crack, and no I didn’t have 18 shots of whiskey before I turned in for the night, but those are definitely questions I would ask of someone who actually thinks he could interpret this dream.

With all the hoopla over Google’s latest PR update, I decided to dedicate a karaoke song to all those bloggers out there feeling the pain of seeing their PageRank reduced. You’ve heard of Backstreet Boys “Quit Playing Games With My Heart?” Well this is my personal rendition, “Quit Playing Games With My Blog!” Feel free to listen to the podcast of me singing the song, but I should warn you, I’m a really bad singer. Here are the lyrics:

Google…. Oh…..

Quit playing games with my…
Na na na na na na
Na na na na Google
Na na na na na na
Quit playing games with my blog
With my blog
With my blog
With my blog!

You can see the original lyrics to the actual song here. Apologies to the Backstreet Boys for torpedoing their song.

This recent screenshot of Google’s share price last Monday might offer a few clues:

Source: InsideGoogle

Update: For those who seriously wanted to know, Google was founded by Sergey Brin and Larry Page. It’s current CEO/Director is Eric E. Schmidt. Since it launched an IPO in 2004, Google is largely owned by stockholders, though no one as of yet has claimed a majority share of Google’s stocks.

Previously, I wrote a post pointing out several suspicious sites that were offering natural cures for shingles, GERD, ulcers and genital warts, all written by the same person. It was ranking pretty well on Google for about a week or so, and then suddenly my rankings vanished. I couldn’t find it anywhere on Google, no matter how many different combinations of relevant keywords I used. Meanwhile this motherf-, excuse me, this dude continues to litter the first page search results for the same keywords.

Ahhh, Google, that ever eternal gatekeeper for quality content on the Internet.

I’m just trying to do a good thing here, trying to help people avoid getting ripped off, and then these anal Googlie Wooglie fartbags had to go breaking my blogging balls.

Ironically enough I stumbled across yet another version of those “natural cure for shingles” sites, this one on the same simpleshinglescure domain, but with the page title saying “Natural Cure for Acid Reflux,” and the author here is an Aaron D. Smith, rather than the Aaron E. Smith shown on the other sites. Different picture too. So there are two Aaron Smiths now? Both hawking cures for shingles?

I have a headache.